Stranger Anxiety

 

Stranger anxiety, also known as infant shyness, represents a normal stage in the life of an infant. It will likely be most intense around seven to ten months of age, coinciding with the baby having become more attached to you and the members of her immediate family. Your infant’s discomfort around strangers might be only a short phase or it could last a good bit longer. For most kids it passes within a year or two.

How can you avoid pushing your baby too hard into new situations, while still helping her become comfortable around strangers as well as the new faces she’ll encounter as her social world expands? Is allowing a stranger to hold your infant a beneficial step in the process of socialization? Or should you be more protective?

Competing Opinions

Perspective #1: Protect your baby, of course, and when she shows signs of feeling stressed or overwhelmed, you obviously need to pull back and give her time to regulate and regain her calm. But it’s good for her to be introduced to new people and to see that she can get through and deal with moments where she’s uncomfortable. Interactions with others will help her build confidence and social skills from infancy.

Perspective #2: Aware that your baby’s fear is a natural stage of development, you should be careful about pushing her to interact with new people before she’s ready. Responding to her cues and natural inclinations is part of respecting her and helping her build trust. She’ll have plenty of time down the road to develop social skills; when she’s this young, it’s important to help her feel safe and to let her know that you’re there for her and will keep her safe, both physically and emotionally.

What the Science Says

THE KEY FINDING to keep in mind is that stranger anxiety is a perfectly typical stage in a child’s development. Studies have demonstrated this primary fact for decades, so there’s nothing to worry about if your baby suddenly leans away when she meets Uncle Dave for the first time. Aside from this, we can point to certain findings that can guide us as we nurture our children through whatever fear or anxiety they’re encountering when they meet new people.

For example, research shows that how a parent responds when encountering a stranger influences a baby’s reaction. In one study, mothers were taught how to display non-anxious mannerisms as well as socially anxious behaviors, and to exhibit those tendencies when meeting new people with their infants. As expected, the babies of the mothers who appeared nervous and uncomfortable “were significantly more fearful and avoidant with the stranger” themselves.

Other interesting work has been done on infants’ ability to distinguish strangers from non-strangers by the sound of their laughter. Even as young as five months, babies can learn to glean important information from specific acoustic characteristics of laughter, then “index” that data in such a way that allows them to determine the social relationship—whether the new person is a friend or a stranger. As the authors of the study put it, “Infants heard co-laughter between friends and co-laughter between strangers [as] depicting one of two different social contexts: either two people affiliating or turning away from each other.” Once again, the babies were reading their parents’ cues and responding accordingly.

One other dynamic that’s important to consider is the importance of temperament. Research clearly demonstrates the importance of parents adjusting their expectations and approaches depending on their child’s personality and temperament. A baby who feels more shy or sensitive is going to respond to one parental behavior and not another, whereas a more outgoing child could behave completely differently. (See “Sensitive Babies.”)

The Bottom Line

NOT ONLY DO babies follow their parents’ cues when it comes to social interactions with people they don’t know, but they can also be very perceptive to subtle nuances within relationships. Add the fact that temperament can lead one child to be comfortable being held by a stranger at the grocery store and another one to be wary even around Grandma, and it’s no wonder there are questions about how best to respond to a baby’s stranger anxiety.

Where does all this lead us? As with so many other parenting questions, it all comes back to relationship. You want to get to know your child—your unique, individual child—well enough that you can recognize the moments when she needs to bury her face in your chest and be allowed to stay there, as opposed to the situations when, with a bit of encouragement, she might be willing to come out of her shell a little. Based on the intimacy of your relationship and mutual understanding, you can find a way to thread the needle and avoid the two extremes. You don’t want to push her so hard that she ends up becoming even more reluctant to socialize the next time she meets a stranger. But you also want to give her opportunities to understand that she can handle a certain amount of discomfort, and that it can be fun to meet new people and try new experiences.

One other point: As parents, we can too quickly move to compare our child with others’ and assume that there’s a “normal” way children should behave. When it comes to personality and temperament, this parental tendency can be especially problematic. Yes, your sister’s baby might smile and laugh for new people he meets, and your baby might be more naturally withdrawn and reticent about warming up to others. In that case, you need to show up for your child and support her with whatever she needs, not push her to act in ways that simply aren’t who she is at that time.

Helping your infant to be comfortable around people outside her family, to cope with the stranger anxiety that’s often a natural part of her social development, takes your patience and presence. If your baby is uncomfortable with strangers, or even with members of your extended family who want to hold her, there’s no need to rush. Ask them to wait a bit for her to feel more secure. Introduce her to new people, but stay close—your presence will reassure her, and her ability to tolerate new people and experiences will expand over time.