“PACEMAKER?” THOMAS SAID, dumbfounded, as Geraldine did chest compressions. He was angry at himself for not acting faster. For not knowing about Zoe’s pacemaker. For hesitating.
Wake up!
“Yes,” she answered. “They need to be an inch away if you’re going to shock her.”
“I know,” Thomas snapped. He adjusted the pads an inch away from where Geraldine indicated the device was implanted. “Clear.”
Geraldine moved her hands and he shocked his baby sister. It almost too much to bear, watching her convulse as the electric shock moved through her, trying to start her heart again. It was more than he could bear and he cried out as he watched her. The only real family he had. The only one who’d loved him unconditionally since his mother.
“Let me do that,” Charles said gently, taking the paddles from his hands. “You can’t, you’re family.”
Thomas mumbled his thanks and took a step back. Feeling lost and helpless, all he could do was watch. It was agonizing.
Geraldine continued chest compressions. “I think the pacemaker stopped firing.”
“When was the last time she had it checked?” Thomas demanded.
“Three days ago. She came to see me, and it was fine,” Geraldine said.
Thomas was so angry. Why hadn’t anyone told him that Zoe had a pacemaker, and since when? He also wanted to know who had put it in. He was ready to throttle whoever had. He felt like his trust had been violated, and he felt like a complete fool for saying that Zoe and he never hid anything from each other.
She clearly did and for one moment he wasn’t sure if he could trust anyone.
No wonder Geraldine had looked so oddly at him, it was because she knew the truth. She knew there was something that Zoe had been hiding from him. He felt betrayed and hurt. There was no one he could trust.
“Clear,” Charles shouted.
Geraldine stopped compressions and Thomas turned away, not wanting to watch has they shocked his sister again. This time, though, Zoe gasped for breath as the pacemaker obviously kicked back on.
Thank God.
“Zoe, you’re okay,” Geraldine whispered. “You’re okay. Your pacemaker stopped working and you had a seizure.”
Zoe didn’t say anything, just nodded and took deep breaths. The paramedics arrived then and Thomas stood back as they loaded his sister onto a stretcher, Geraldine and Charles were telling the paramedics all the important health information.
Geraldine picked up her skirts and began to follow the paramedics out. Thomas raced after them and took Zoe’s hand.
“I’m her brother and her guardian. I’m going with her,” Thomas stated firmly, not letting his sister’s hand go. He wouldn’t leave her. He’d take care of her. He hadn’t been able to save his mother all those years ago, but he’d save his little sister.
The paramedics nodded.
Zoe clung to her brother. She was shaking as she took deep breaths through the oxygen mask. Geraldine helped push the gurney out to the waiting ambulance. She climbed inside.
“You don’t have to come, Geraldine. I have it from here.” Thomas didn’t want to take her from the party. Zoe was his responsibility. The truth was that he didn’t want Geraldine to see him at this vulnerable moment with his sister. She couldn’t see him like this. No one did. Only there was also a piece of him that wanted her there.
“I’m coming with you. I’m her doctor.”
“No, you’re not her doctor. I’m her doctor.”
“No. You’re her brother. You can’t help and you know that. I am coming with you,” Geraldine said firmly, but with tenderness that he appreciated.
Thomas nodded and then squeezed Geri’s hand in thanks. She was right. He had no choice. He was Zoe’s brother, family, and there was no way he could be her doctor right now because doctors couldn’t work on their own family members. He had to let Geraldine help him.
“What if she needs surgery? You can’t help her then,” Thomas said. “I’m the cardiothoracic surgeon.”
“No, but I can find someone who can. We’ll get her help, don’t worry.” She squeezed his hand back, her touch reassuring. It felt so good to have that human connection. No one had ever shown him compassion like this before. He didn’t know what he’d been missing.
Thomas didn’t say anything further.
Still, he felt angry and hurt he hadn’t known about Zoe’s pacemaker. How could both Charles and Geraldine hide this from him? They were his partners. How could Zoe hide this from him? He felt hurt and he felt betrayed, but there was nothing he could do right now.
Right now his focus had to be on his little sister. And he was angry at himself for not seeing the signs of her condition. He was a cardiothoracic surgeon, for God’s sake.
The ride to the hospital was tense and he couldn’t stop the feelings of anger, confusion and fear whirling around inside him. He felt like he was going to burst at any moment. They pulled up at the hospital and all he could do was hold his sister’s hand as they wheeled her into the accident and emergency department.
They called down a cardiothoracic surgeon and Thomas felt foolish standing outside the pod, not being able to do what he was good at. This was the one time his medical training was useless, because there was nothing he could do to help.
And for the first time in a long time he understood what his patients’ families went through. He always had that sense of sympathy and connection with them because of what had happened to his mother, but he forgot what it felt like to feel completely helpless, and he didn’t like it one bit.
Geraldine stood back as the cardiothoracic surgeon stepped in and started checking the pacemaker. Scans were being ordered. Geraldine was just a cardiologist. She had hospital privileges, but she wasn’t a surgeon; didn’t have the training.
She glanced back at Thomas through the glass of the trauma pod and he could see the sympathy in her eyes. He went to the doorway.
“Do you want me to leave?” she asked.
“No. Please stay with her. I know there’s not much you can do, but it would make me feel better if you stayed with her. Zoe trusts you. She came to you. Not me.”
And it killed him to admit it.
“She didn’t want to worry you,” Geraldine said, trying to ease his concern, but it didn’t work.
“I would’ve rather known. This is a thousand times worse than not knowing.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t tell you. Doctor-patient confidentiality.”
And of course she was right. Geraldine had been just as stuck as him. In the heat of the moment he had been looking for someone to blame, but Geraldine couldn’t have told him even if she’d wanted to.
“Please stay. For me. I need you to stay.” His heart was tearing in two, waiting for her answer, and for putting his heart on the line, asking her to stay for him, but he needed her. Which terrified him.
Geraldine nodded. “I will. Of course I will.”
* * *
Geraldine stood by helplessly while the cardiothoracic surgical registrars did their work in the cath lab, but she’d promised Thomas that she would stay with his sister the whole time. She felt a little bit foolish, standing off to the side in a ball gown, but after a bit she didn’t care. She’d reminded herself that she’d done more embarrassing things in her younger days. This was nothing. She was doing this for her colleague.
Possibly her friend?
And she was doing this for her patient above all.
She’d seen the hurt in Thomas’s eyes. She knew how much he cared for his sister and it broke her heart that this had had to happen. Zoe was too young to have this kind of thing happen to her, but then again she thought that about all her pediatric heart patients.
They were too young to have broken hearts, as it were. They didn’t deserve it, which was why she wanted to become a cardiologist. To save lives.
It was why she’d wanted to become a cardiothoracic surgeon. Only her foolish dealings with Frederick had ruined all that. She’d allowed her emotions to rule her instead of her head.
And when she and Thomas had been in that alcove together, she’d wanted him to kiss her. She had foolishly allowed her emotions to drive her decisions. And she was mad at herself for that. She was so weak.
She wasn’t going to let another man get in the way of her career again.
She was here to be a cardiologist. That was it. There would be no running away this time, because she wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.
Right now while they were doing a heart catheterization to repair the damage to Zoe’s pacemaker she wished she had her surgical training so that she could help Zoe, to ease Thomas’s worry. She knew how to do this. She was good at heart catheterizations. Zoe was her patient and she should be the one in there.
Only she wasn’t. And it was all her own fault.
Thomas was pacing in the hallway. The pain etched on his face was more than Geri could bear. She’d never seen him like this. He’d always had that air of devil-may-care, always joking, always smiling, always a twinkle in his eye. There were also times he was so arrogant it set her teeth on edge, but this was different. She felt bad for him. She felt bad that this was happening to him. Her friend. That’s all he was. Her first real friend in London.
Geri took a deep breath and stepped out into the hallway. Thomas came rushing over to her, pain and worry etched into his face.
“Well?” he asked.
“They are doing the heart catheterization right now. The pacemaker was fine when I checked it four days ago. The computer ran a perfect test. She’s had that pacemaker since she was ten, there was nothing wrong with it.”
Thomas cursed under his breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “Yes, but, like all technology, all machines can be faulty. They’re not good enough.”
“The heart catheterization will work. They’ll repair the faulty wiring in the pacemaker. She won’t need to have another one inserted again. She’s going to be fine.”
“How do you know that?” Thomas asked.
“You should know that. You’re a surgeon. A heart surgeon even. She’s in good hands.”
“Who’s doing the catheterization?”
“Dr. Sandler is doing it.”
Thomas groaned. “Ugh.”
“Is there something wrong with Dr. Sandler performing the procedure?” Geraldine asked.
“No. Nothing wrong. He’s a good doctor.”
“Then you shouldn’t be worried.”
“Well, I am worried,” Thomas snapped. “Zoe’s all I have left. My father is gone, my mother is gone... Zoe is all I have.”
“I’m here,” Geri said. “I promised you I wouldn’t leave her side.”
“Why are you doing this?” Thomas asked. “We’re just colleagues. You’ve said so yourself several times.”
“Yes, we’re colleagues and this is what good colleagues do for one another. We’re partners in a practice. I would hope when it came to my father you would do something to help.”
Thomas’s expression softened. “I wish I could do something, but cancer isn’t my forte, unless it was cancer of the heart, but even then he wouldn’t let me operate on him.”
Geri cocked an eyebrow. “Why is that?”
Thomas chuckled. “Because we’re too close. He’s been my mentor. He was also my father’s worst enemy.”
She laughed. “Yes. Rivals who fought over my mother apparently.”
“Right. I’m sorry for telling you that.”
Geri shrugged. “If it’s the truth, don’t be sorry. It’s too bad that my mother caused such a rift between your father and mine. My mother had a way of ruining so much.”
“You don’t think very highly of your mother.”
“She didn’t think very highly of me either. My childhood was very lonely, only I didn’t have boarding school to escape to or a half sister to show affection to.”
“We’re pretty similar,” he said quietly.
“How? We grew up in different worlds.”
“We both had pretty crappy childhoods.”
Geri chuckled. “That we did.”
Thomas sighed. “Well, if you must know it wasn’t just your mother that caused the rift between our fathers. My father was an Oxford man and your father was a Cambridge man. I believe they both were on the rowing teams and your father’s team would often best my father’s team. It enraged my father that your father seemed to beat him.”
“Your father held a lot of grudges.”
“There’s a very old rivalry between the two schools.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “I think it’s more than that.”
“I agree, my father was a jerk.” Then they both laughed at that. “I’m surprised your father gave me the time of day, but he did. He’s a good man, you know.”
“I know,” said Geri, her voice wobbling ever so slightly.
“He’ll beat this. He’ll come through,” Thomas said.
Geri took his hand in hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “And Zoe will be fine.”
She stared into his eyes and was completely lost at that moment. Her hand felt so tiny in his strong ones and she wanted to hold him closer. To comfort him.
He’s not yours.
Thomas snatched his hand back and cleared his throat. He looked uncomfortable. “Thank you for being there with her.”
“It’s my pleasure. She’s my patient.”
“Sorry your night was ruined. It was your first social function and I know how much your father was looking forward to you going. He wanted to show you off.”
“It’s all right. This is why I became a doctor. This is what I’m passionate about, not dressing up in ball gowns and dancing. Though I wish I could’ve tried some of those desserts.”
Thomas laughed. “They weren’t that great.”
“Oh, come on, they were traditional Victorian Christmas desserts. I mean the whole theme was Victorian Christmas.”
He rolled his eyes, but smiled at her. “You and Christmas.”
“You know you’re a bit of a Grinch,” she teased.
“A what?”
“Don’t you remember watching that cartoon as a child?”
Thomas shook his head. “I didn’t watch cartoons as a child. Remember, I’m not a big Christmas fanatic like you are.”
“You mean you’ve never seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Zoe?”
“No,” he said. “In her younger days, before Zoe’s mother joined Doctors Without Borders, Zoe spent Christmases with her. I’ve only had her at Christmas for the last three years and she was never really interested in watching cartoons by the time she came to me.”
“Well, you’re maybe going to have to rectify that. She’s going to need a few days of bed rest,” Geri said.
“I wouldn’t even know where to begin with Christmas specials.”
“Well, maybe I’ll help with that. I have an extensive collection.”
“How extensive?” he asked carefully.
“Quite extensive. I have cartoons, funny movies and those Christmas specials that bring a tear to your eye.”
“Ugh,” he said dramatically. “That doesn’t sound painful at all.”
“How can you not like a big fat orange cat bringing Christmas to a grandmother? Or a family whose Christmas goes absolutely and completely wrong in a house full of annoying relatives? Or those old classic movies where the Christmas carols were written? Bing crooning away those familiar tunes.”
He smiled and she melted slightly. What was she doing? Why was she still trying to get closer to him? Why couldn’t she keep away from him? They were colleagues, partners, and that was it. They could be nothing more. She didn’t want to be his friend outside work. She didn’t want to be anything other than a medical associate. That’s all she was here for. She wasn’t here for anything else. And he was definitely not the right man for her.
He was a duke. She was struggling with the idea of being a lady, an heiress. She didn’t want any part of that life.
Thomas is more than just his title. Just like you are.
“Well,” she said, clearing her throat. “I’d better get back in there and see how it’s going. You should get some rest in the doctors’ lounge. It might be some time yet.”
“No, I can wait it out in the hallway here. I’m not leaving her side. As I said, she’s all that I have.”
Geri nodded and headed back into the heart catheterization lab. All she had was her father. Her mother was off goodness knew where and doing who knew what, they had never really been close. Though she wasn’t close to her father yet. She enjoyed being in his company, he was a brilliant physician and she hated seeing him sick. Yet, if he had been on this table, would she be as worried? Would she feel as hurt?
She wasn’t sure. It had been so long since she’d cared about anybody. She wasn’t even sure that she could anymore. She wasn’t sure that she could open up her heart to anyone ever again.