he men in my family are good at fixing motorcycles and welding I-beams together and building extensions on their houses. I like glitter. My dad can dissect a broken air conditioner and find fascination in repairing it, whereas I enjoy examining objets d’art and figuring out how to make similar ones at home.
I’m not so good with the butch things, but as it turns out, I’m pretty handy! I discovered this thanks to my obsession with mosaics. See, I used to travel to work in Manhattan on the subway (still do sometimes), and to avoid the gaze of weirdos and sociopaths, I would focus on the beautiful mosaics lining the stations. I became fascinated with the craftsmanship that went into these mosaics and had the itch to make my own. After completing an eight-week mosaic class, I ended up with a fabulous table and I’ve never looked back.
I guess you could call what I do “crafting,” though the C-word, I must admit, tweaks me out a little, as it conjures images of women in crocheted vests and short, sensible haircuts. I like to craft while wearing something cute and drinking a crisp sauvignon blanc. That’s how I recommend you craft too. None of this roll-out-of-bed-and-fall-into-a-basket-of-fabric-remnants crap. Treat your crafts with the respect they deserve. Put on a little lip gloss and some Tom Jones. You know, like you would for a third date. If your projects think you really care about them, they’re more likely to put out.
When I told people I was writing this book, some had the nerve to say, “What the hell do you know about being on a budget?” To which I snapped, “You don’t know my life!”
Sure, I’ve got some money now—not as much as Honey Boo Boo—but for many years I was broker than broke, to the tune of $87,000 in debt and making $24,000 a year. Good times. But I didn’t want to be reminded every day that I was living hand-to-mouth, so I always kept my apartment looking somewhat upscale. And I did that by being clean, shopping wisely, and getting crafty. In this section you’ll find some of the things I made when I was paying my dues (and my credit card bills) while living in New York City in the ’90s.
But before we craft, we must cleanse. Here’s my easy-peasy cheapo plan to make over your space in FOUR STEPS.
SCOUR LIKE YOUR SOUL DEPENDS on it!
Let’s say you want to make over your living room. The first thing you have to do is move every piece of furniture and every accessory the hell outta there. Now get down on your knees and scrub like there’s no tomorrow. There’s a brilliant scene in American Beauty you might want to use as motivation. If you haven’t seen it, Annette Bening plays a high-strung real estate agent who’s preparing to show a house and she is just cleaning like a madwoman and repeating her mantra, “I will sell this house today.” Oh, it’s genius. I live for her. Every time I attack the bathroom grout, I pretend I’m Annette. And let’s keep that our little secret.
The cost of this step? Nada. Except maybe springing for some cleaning supplies. Microfiber cloths are pretty awesome and delightfully reusable. And a combination of white vinegar (1/2 cup), baking soda (1/4 cup), and water (one gallon) works wonders. Please don’t ever mix bleach and ammonia—you’ll die. Or give birth to kids with three eyes.
GET with the PLAN, PAM!
Determine the purpose of your living room. How will you use it? For genteel conversation with your book club? As a rehearsal studio to act out your fantasy of being a Rockette? Spaces used for quiet contemplation can handle more furniture than ones used to entertain large extended families. I highly recommend taping out a floor plan to visualize furniture placement, using blue painter’s tape that won’t leave sticky residue. The scale of the room weighs heavily in selecting where things go. Just as a big-framed lady can wear big prints and carry a large handbag, a spacious room can handle an oversize sofa as well as bold wallpaper. But smaller rooms need smaller furniture—or less of it. It’s all about creating the right proportions. You need about two feet of space around most pieces of furniture to create a good flow. Allow eighteen inches between a coffee table and a sofa or chairs. And for television viewing, allow six feet between the TV and the sofa. If you have too much stuff, find another place for it: in the attic or Mom’s basement or a guest bedroom.
When you’ve got the blue tape on the floor, act out how you’ll use the room. I do this all the time. It’s fun! “Well, hello, Carol. Thank you for coming over today. Please have a seat on the chaise. Oh, I just realized you can’t get to it without stepping on the buffet. Silly me.”
TIME for a WHOLE NEW HUE
Touching up moldings and painting the walls with a fresh coat of paint does wonders in refreshing the look and feel of your home. It’s like wearing good foundation garments—you need a solid base in order to build fabulously up! Painting the walls is probably the fastest and easiest way to change the entire feeling of a room for a relatively small sum. As soon as the last coat goes on, you’ll witness the transformation into a whole new space, fresh and clean as a summer’s day. And, having painted more rooms than I care to count, I can give you these pieces of advice: Spackle the cracks, use fine-grade sandpaper to smooth out imperfections before you paint, do a coat of primer (even though you don’t want to), and choose a color that you think might be too light. When you see a color on a paint chip that floats your boat, buy the paint that’s a shade lighter. I have never said, “I wish this wall color were brighter!” But I have said many times, “I should have chosen a lighter shade. I’m such a dumb-ass.”
BE a RUTHLESS BITCH
Finally, don’t put clutter back in the room. I just helped you clean it and now you plan to crap it all up again?! Don’t make me come over there and whoop you upside the head.
With every accessory you bring back into the room, you must ask yourself, “Do I even LIKE this? Or am I putting it on the coffee table because Aunt Betty gave it to me on my sixteenth birthday while I was in my harlequin phase?” If it’s chic, keep it. If it’s not, chuck it. Don’t let the past screw up your future fabulousness. And don’t worry about hurting people’s feelings! People shouldn’t give you ugly stuff to begin with. It hurts my feelings when they do, and as we all know, my feelings are more important than anyone else’s.
In case you were wondering, here’s the difference between a collection and clutter: A “collection” is limited in number and cleverly displayed. “Clutter” is squeezing every last figurine you own on a shelf where they collect dust and make people talk about you behind your back. If you just have to display those jaunty plastic penguins you’ve amassed over the years, rotate them in and out of the living room. Even the best art museums change things up now and then. In my humble opinion, displaying more than six of anything at one time is creepy.
And so is any lifelike doll owned by anyone who has successfully exited puberty.
NOW WHAT?
Maybe you have a little extra cash to spend. Maybe the living room looks so enticing after the simple makeover that you just can’t stop the wheel of fabulousness from turning. Add another layer to the room, my friend, with either or both of these enhancements.
FURNITURE
If you’ve already flipped ahead to the “Style” chapter, you know that I highly recommend visiting upscale stores to fondle and stare at expensive clothes. The same goes for furniture. I want to shout it from the rooftops: You can’t look expensive if you don’t know what expensive things look like! Same goes for your pad. So get out there and plop your cute tush down on some overpriced love seats. Visit high-end furniture stores to see what pricey pieces look and feel like. Furniture is expensive. No way around it. Is it easier to create a gorgeous room on a $100,000 budget? Hell, yeah. But if you know how to make smart choices, you can be Freakin’ Fabulous for less. (I’d also like to take this opportunity to say that I’ve been to the homes of many rich people who have crappy taste, so money does certainly not guarantee fabulousness. I’d much rather spend time in a clean, uncluttered, freshly painted room than in one dominated by a 14-karat-gold statue of Venus de Milo riding a panther.)
When you’re not shopping, buy decorating magazines and make a folder of the rooms that inspire you. That’s what interior designers do. Bookmark the websites that get your creative juices flowing, or scour Pinterest for inspiration and start pinning your favorite looks. Once you develop the visual language of decorating, you can “speak” it when shopping at more affordable retailers.
And don’t think you’ve got to get it all done at once. Add in furniture slowly. Pacing yourself will prevent errors in design judgment and ending up with a living room that looks sloppy and rushed.
y this point, you get it—
Employing the power of the craft saves money, gives you one-of-a-kind original style, and provides an outlet for your creativity that you haven’t enjoyed since that interpretive dance class in college. Ah-hem.
When your friends exclaim that your fabulous décor must have cost you a fortune, remember to take the compliment and shut your trap! Smile, nod politely, and simply say, “Thank You.” Practice in the mirror.
An easy place to start decorating with crafts is on your table. When I’m dressing up my table I like to mix it up, from the plates to the napkins, like I did here.
I mix china that I found at flea markets, vintage finds from the Internet with some of my grandma’s old china, or something new. It looks chic as long as the colors and patterns work together.
The same goes for table linens and napkins. And when it comes to accents, it’s okay to mix your metallics.
ee how all of those concepts are working here on this table. Guess what? I made the table runner, napkins, napkin rings, votives, and vases myself. You’re impressed.
And, I’m going to show you how to do it too.
Flowers are a lovely way to add beauty to any table. Remember, though, that the point of your dinner party is to allow your guests to gossip about everyone who didn’t show up, and they can’t do that if they can’t see one another. Keep your flowers low on the table so that your guests can see everyone and the food.
You don’t have to break the bank on flowers. These can be inexpensive white carnations and spider mums. I can hear you gasping in horror now: “Carnations! Clinton, not you!” Yes, me. Don’t they look fabulous? Cut low and arranged tightly, they’re elegant and clean.
Keep thinking outside the box. I’m not a fan of those infamous floral fillers—ferns and baby’s breath. Instead, herbs such as rosemary and mint make a chic substitute.
