On the other side of the set of buildings that makes up Bussu Bay Resort and Water Sports Centre, a little further along the beach, there is an area where the greenery and palm trees start to encroach on the sand. That’s because, behind it, there is a series of caves that you can only get to by a very rocky path. Some of the rocks on the path are so large that you have to step up on top of them to get over them.
When I was little we would come here from England to stay with my grandparents for the six-week summer holiday. My parents would bring me to play on this area of the beach, while they were making their plans to build Bussu Bay. Work started when I was ten, and finished when I was about seventeen. A year after that, my parents left England to come here, to open their resort and change the lives of everyone in the community.
Sometimes my cousins would be here too, but mostly I was on my own. I’d go off exploring, and would spend hours in these caves, drawing pictures on the sand floors, running my fingers along the cool, damp walls. I would bring toys and hold tea parties with bits and pieces I found on the beach. The older I got, the more time I would spend in the caves just reading.
I walk down to the caves now, hoping I can disappear for hours like I used to when I was a child. Hoping that I will be able to run my hands along the clammy walls and conjure up a time in my life before Drew, before the death that was not a death.
I have walked around this cave, one of my favourites, for a while now and feel calmer for it. I need to decide how to tell Nia and Marvin.
It took me a while to pull myself together after the panic attack outside the kitchen. By the time I was able to go back inside, Marvin told me his mum had gone to unpack and then have a nap, and Nia and Marvin were going to help make lunch before they went to the beach. Drew was nowhere to be seen, and Marvin had explained his dad had gone to explore the area.
I’d stared at Nia and Marvin, knowing I should tell them they were brother and sister, but the words would not come out of my mouth. This is why I have come to the caves – to gather strength and get my head together.
As I stand here, I know that with every hour that passes, the more I am colluding in what is going on with my daughter. I have to summon up my courage to tell her and Marvin. I close my eyes and stand very still. I don’t want to do this.
‘I thought I might find you here.’ Drew’s voice echoes on the stone around us. ‘I guessed this would still be your most favourite place in the whole of Ghana.’
I open my eyes but I do not know what to say to him. Well, I do. I have lots of things to say to him: What are you doing here? Did you fake your own death? Do you have any idea what you’ve done to the last twenty-four years of my life? How could you even bring yourself to come back here after the last time? Do you still love me? Did you ever love me? I have many, many things to say to him, but nothing will come out.
‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’ Drew asks me.
I can’t do this, I realise. I can’t stand in here, one of my special safe spaces, the place I shared with only him – not even Nia knows about this place, let alone Jake – and talk to him. I just can’t.
I start to leave and he stands in my way, stops me from exiting. Our bodies almost but don’t quite touch. He brings his face down towards mine, leans in close and lowers his voice.
‘I didn’t want to leave you,’ Drew says. ‘But I had no choice. Jake tried to kill me.’
I dried my eyes before I picked up the intercom. I’d tried to ignore the doorbell, but the person wouldn’t stop pressing it, so I guessed they knew I was in. I cleared my throat and said, ‘Hello?’ into the receiver.
‘It’s me,’ Jake said.
‘Ah, Jake, sorry, Drew’s not here.’
‘It was you I came to see.’
Short of being rude, I had to let him in. I looked a horror as I’d been crying most of the morning. I’d been crying so much and looked so dreadful, I’d had to take the day off work. ‘Come up,’ I said and buzzed him in.
‘Why aren’t you at work?’ he asked the second he saw me. ‘I called to see if you and Drew wanted to meet up tonight and they said you were off sick.’ He peered at me. ‘Are you really sick? Because you just look like you’ve been crying.’
‘I’m tired,’ I replied. Not sick, just tired. I was tired of where I was with Drew. For some reason, we just couldn’t get on right then. We had the wedding booked and he’d been talking about us having a baby. The problem was, I was enjoying my job in marketing – there was a real chance of promotion, and I wasn’t sure I wanted a baby at that time. Drew didn’t understand that. He just saw it as me not being as committed to him as he was to me.
‘Tired of what?’ Jake asked.
‘It’s complicated,’ I replied.
It was complicated. Because Drew wanted it all – right now. He wanted the big wedding, the baby, but also he wanted to open a bar – and he wanted me to ask my parents for the money to pay for it. He had this idea that, because they’d opened a hotel, they were rich and they should be helping us out more. Both his parents had died, so he felt my folks should be willing to finance our dreams. I’d never relied on my parents for anything and I had always paid for my own lifestyle, so there was no way I was going to start asking them for money now. This was what caused most of the arguments between Drew and me: I wouldn’t ask, and he took that as a sign that I didn’t want him to succeed in life.
That was why I was tired: we kept having the same arguments and it was wearing me down. But I loved him. He sometimes made me feel incredible and I knew this patch would eventually pass, but it was exhausting. And I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, because it would make Drew sound awful. And when we were through this awful period, when things were perfect again, the person I had told those things to wouldn’t forget; they’d continue to think badly of him.
‘If he’s being out of order, tell me and I’ll sort it with him,’ Jake said.
‘It’s not like that,’ I told Jake. We hadn’t moved from the corridor, which was probably a good thing, because I could tell Drew in all honesty that Jake had just popped by but hadn’t set even a foot inside.
‘I’ll kill him if he hurts you,’ Jake said. ‘I’ve told him that – if he hurts you, I’ll kill him.’
‘He wouldn’t hurt me,’ I replied. Those other times – like the time he took away my medicine, the time he grabbed my wrist and squeezed, the time he threw a mug and it smashed near my head – those weren’t anything serious. They didn’t count as hurting me. ‘And you mustn’t say things like that, Jake. Someone might overhear and take it the wrong way.’
‘There’s only one way to take that,’ he said. ‘He’s always treated his girlfriends badly – I thought he’d stopped with you. But if he’s making you cry and miss work, then he needs sorting out. And he knows I’ll do it.’
‘It sounds like you’ve ignored how he treated his other girlfriends, and you’re only drawing a line with me,’ I said.
‘I am. I should have stopped him a long time ago, but, yes, I’ve told him if he hurts you, I’ll end him.’
‘Why me?’ I asked.
He put his head to one side, went to say something, then seemed to change his mind. ‘Because you’re my friend too.’
I wanted to hug Jake but didn’t – I couldn’t risk Drew catching me touching him, let alone holding him. ‘Thanks, Jake. It makes me feel safe to know you’re looking out for me, but there really is no need.’ I smiled at him.
He looked again like he was about to say something, but again changed his mind. ‘Take care of yourself, all right?’
‘I will,’ I replied. ‘I will.’