13 REMEMBER WHEN . . .

Sweet memories, of holding hands and red bouquets, of twilight trimmed in purple haze, and laughing eyes . . .

—“Memories,” performed by Elvis Presley

WE’VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT ONE of the best ways for couples to build intimacy is through reminiscing. Remembering and celebrating special times in your relationship are very important. Often when we think of reminiscing, we tend to frame it in the context of remembering those really big events from marriage—our wedding day, the birth of a child, a dream vacation, and so on.

But what about the little things? Sometimes, the sweetest, most tender memories are those that happened during unplanned moments that may seem unremarkable to the casual observer. Think about some of those times in your own marriage: doing the dishes or other household chores together, working in the garden together, or just sitting on the front step on warm summer evenings watching the neighborhood wind down. These are typical daily occurrences, but when viewed from the present looking back, they can carry an added sense of peace and connection between you and your spouse.

Embrace this date as an opportunity for you and your spouse to remember some of your happiest times together, whether big events or simple everyday activities. As C. S. Lewis wrote, “A pleasure is full grown only when it is remembered.”[11]

ACTIVITY: We live in a mobile society, so statistically, the chances aren’t great that you still live near the old haunts you visited during your dating or courtship. Some couples move several times within their first few years of marriage! Nevertheless, if you do still have access to some of the places you frequented during the early years of your relationship, why don’t you visit them again? And even if you’ve moved away, you can improvise. Maybe you had a favorite coffee shop in Des Moines when you first met during your college years. Now that you live in Sacramento, see if you can find a similar coffee shop that will help you relive that experience.

QUESTIONS: What are some favorite things we used to do as a couple early in our marriage? Can we start doing some of those things again, even with the realities of our busier lifestyle? Name two special memories you cherish that have nothing to do with the big events of our relationship (the wedding, childbirth, etc.). Why are those memories so special to you?