As Burrhus Frederic Skinner, one of the most influential psychologists in human history, lay on his deathbed, his mouth grew dry. When a carer gave him some water, he sipped it gratefully, then uttered his final word: ‘Marvellous’.
Inspiring, isn’t it? To think that even on his deathbed, with his organs failing, his lungs collapsing and leukaemia running rampant through his body, B.F. Skinner could enjoy one of life’s simple pleasures.
This true story contains three important themes relevant to every human being who seeks inner fulfilment. No matter how you travel this path, whether through modern Western scientific approaches such as ACT, or through ancient Eastern spiritual approaches such as Buddhism, Taoism or yoga, you will encounter three core themes I call the three P’s: Presence, Purpose and Privilege.
If we wish to find lasting fulfilment, we must develop the ability to live fully in the present moment. However, to stay fully present — engaged in and open to our here-and-now experience — is not easy. Why? Thanks to that wonderful gift we are all born with: the human mind. Minds are wonderful things — we’d be in trouble without them — but if you’ve got one, then you can’t help but notice that it never stops thinking. The mind churns out thoughts all day long, and often we get ‘hooked’ by them and pulled out of our life. Most of us walk around lost in our thoughts for large parts of the day, missing out on our experi ence in this moment. And many of us fail to even realise it.
For example, have you ever done something like this? You get into the shower, the warm water hits your body and, for a moment or two, you’re fully present: fully engaged in the rich sensual experience of the shower. The water flows down your back, the warmth soothes your muscles, your body hums with pleasure. And then . . . within the space of a few seconds, you drift off into your thoughts: ‘What’s on the to-do list for today?’ ‘Oh, I have to get that project completed.’ ‘Oh no, I forgot to tell Susan about the girl’s night.’ ‘What will I make Timmy for lunch today?’ ‘Only three more days until we go on holiday, yippee!’ ‘Hmmm. Getting a bit chubby around the waist, better start exercising again.’
As you get more and more drawn into your thoughts, the shower progressively recedes into the background. You know the shower is still happening, but you’re no longer fully engaged in it. It’s more like your body is over there, taking the shower on autopilot, while you’re over here having a fabulous conversation inside your head. And then, before you know it, the shower is over.
Most of us, if we’re honest, spend large chunks of our day lost in our thoughts, wandering around in a veil of ‘psycho -logical smog’ and, consequently, we miss out on much of the richness of life. This is all the more likely when we face a large reality gap; our minds churn out no end of painful thoughts and we easily get ‘pulled in’. For example, if reality dumps something dramatic and unexpected on our doorstep — a sudden death, a divorce or a disaster — we may wander around in a daze, unable to ‘think straight’, or remember properly, or even perform our routine tasks adequately.
Furthermore, the ability to engage fully in what we are doing, and keep our attention on the task, is essential for mastering any skill or activity, and vital for effective action of any kind. So if we wish to respond effectively to whatever painful blow life has dealt us, we have to be ‘present’.
(Note: ‘Presence’ is more commonly known as ‘mindfulness’ and, throughout this book, I will use the two terms inter -changeably. Mindfulness is currently a hot topic in Western psychology, and in textbooks and self-help books you’ll almost always find its origins attributed to Buddhism. However, this is a major misconception. Buddhism is only 2,600 years old; mindfulness is much older than that. We can find it in Judaism, Taoism and yoga, going back around 4,000 years. Indeed, the Buddhist scriptures make it clear that the Buddha originally learned the art of mindfulness from a yogi! In this book, we will approach mindfulness, or presence, from a Western scientific tradition — ACT — which has plenty of similarities to these ancient approaches, but also many differences.)
‘Yes, yes,’ people will sometimes say, ‘it’s all very well, being present, but what do I do with my life?’ This is a very important question. Much as a flower needs sunlight, presence needs purpose; otherwise we run the risk of being fully present in a life that lacks meaning.
One of the greatest challenges we all have to face is discovering what we want our lives to be about. What sort of human beings do we want to be? What do we want to stand for in our brief time on this planet? Towards what ends do we wish to invest our time and energy?
Of course, some people are happy to go along with the purpose imposed upon them by their religion, family or culture — but for most of us, this is not the case. Most of us have to create that sense of purpose for ourselves — a task easier said than done. The more we can connect with a purpose that guides our actions now and in the future, the more we will experience a sense of fulfilment; we will feel we are making the most of our time on this earth.
For some of us, when a huge reality gap opens, it actually helps us to clarify our purpose in life: we get in touch with ‘the big picture’, we reflect on what life is all about, we connect with our core values, and we grow and develop. We may even discover a cause or create a mission, which ignites our passion and gives us a sense of vitality. For others, though, it has the opposite effect: our minds may react strongly against the gap and claim that life is pointless, hopeless or unbearable. And if we get hooked by these thoughts, all purpose is lost: life becomes a burden, it has no point. So if we want to take a stand in the face of this gap, we need to be in touch with what really matters; we need to know what our values are, so we can create and draw on a sense of purpose.
When wood and fire combine within the hearth, they provide us with a wonderful experience of warmth. And when purpose and presence combine within our heart, they provide us with a wonderful experience of privilege. A privilege means a special benefit, or an advantage granted only to the few. When we experience life as a privilege, something to be appreciated and relished, rather than taking it for granted or treating it as a problem to be solved, then naturally it is far more fulfilling. We all pay lip service to the notions that life is ‘short’, ‘precious’ or ‘a gift’, but all too often, lost in our thoughts, adrift from our purpose, we fail to truly appreciate what we have in this moment.
This is especially likely during times of great suffering. Our minds may well protest, ‘It’s not fair!’ ‘Why me?’ ‘I can’t stand this’, ‘Why is life so hard?’ ‘It shouldn’t be like this!’ ‘I can’t carry on any longer’, or even, in severe cases, ‘I want to die’. And yet, believe it or not, even in the midst of great adversity, it is possible to treat life as a privilege and make the most of it. (And as I said in the previous chapter, if your mind protests that this is not possible for you, just let it chatter away like a radio playing in the background, and carry on reading.)
The story of Skinner’s final word neatly illustrates the three P’s. Even on the verge of death — and reality gaps don’t get much bigger than that — he was fully present, able to savour that last sip of cold water. As for purpose, Skinner’s whole life was devoted to helping humans lead better lives. (This was something he achieved in abundance: his theories and research revolutionised Western psychology and strongly influenced many contemporary models of therapy, coaching and personal development.)
Was this same sense of purpose present to him on his deathbed? Well, we can only speculate. But it seems to me that the very same purpose (helping others) extended to the utterance of his final word. After all, what was the point of saying ‘marvellous’, if not to inspire and comfort his loved ones during a time of great suffering?
And as for the third of the three P’s, did he not beautifully model what it means to treat this life as a privilege and make the most of the opportunities it affords us?
This story is relevant to all of us. How often do we fail to appreciate what we have? How often do we take life for granted? How often do we miss out on the marvels and miracles of human existence? How often do we amble through life on autopilot, without any clear sense of purpose guiding our actions? How often do we get so caught up in our problems, fears, losses and regrets that we forget about all the good stuff in our lives?
Now don’t worry — I’m not going to go all airy-fairy on you and pretend that life is all sweetness and roses and we can all live happily ever after. The undisputable fact is that life is difficult and it involves plenty of pain. And no matter how good it gets, sooner or later, if we live long enough, we’ll face a huge reality gap. However, as well as the pain and hardship, there is also much to savour, appreciate and celebrate — even if we’re in the midst of great grief or enormous fear. Yet we will not be able to do this without first applying the principles of presence and purpose. (And that is why ‘positive thinking’ — telling yourself that every cloud has a silver lining — is highly unlikely to help you if it’s your main strategy for dealing with pain; in fact, as we’ll see later, there’s a good chance it will make your pain worse in the long term!)
Obviously if someone is in truly dreadful circumstances — living in a concentration camp, or being tortured in a prison, or starving in the Ethiopian wilderness — there will be very little to savour or appreciate; but if you are reading this book, clearly that is not your situation. Still, to some readers, it may seem that your situation is just as bad or almost as bad as those mentioned, and the last thing I want to do is debate that with you. All I ask you to do is to keep an open mind; you don’t have to believe that any or all of these three P’s are possible. Just read the book and be curious about what happens.
For now, my aim is solely to heighten your awareness. So what I invite you to do is this: as you go about your day, notice when and where the three P’s occur. For example, after the death of a loved one, many of us experience all three P’s at the funeral. At times, we are very engaged in the ceremony (presence); at times, our words and actions are loaded with purpose; and at times we are grateful for the kindness and love of others (privilege). So whatever you are grappling with in your life, notice when these moments happen.
When and where are you fully present and engaged in what you are doing? When and where are you aligned with purpose and doing what truly matters to you? When and where do you experience a sense of privilege: embracing and appreciating life as it is in this moment?
Also notice how you help to create these moments and how they contribute to your life. This simple act of noticing can make a vast difference. It might not seem like much, but as we shall see, it forms the very foundation of inner fulfilment.