Ali, an Iraqi refugee, had been horribly tortured under Saddam Hussein’s regime. Because he had dared to publicly criticise the government, he had been thrown into prison for several months, and during that time, his jailers had done the most horrific things to his body. Two years later, as he sat on the other side of my office, Ali kept having ‘flashbacks’ to those events. A flashback is a memory that is so vivid and incredibly real, it’s as if it is actually happening here and now. If you’ve never had one, you can scarcely imagine how terrifying it can be.
Whenever Ali tried to talk to me about his time in prison, a flashback would hijack him; his body would go rigid, his eyes would glaze over, and his face would go pale and sweaty. Dragged back into the past, he would relive the torture as if it were happening again. So my first task, before addressing any of his other serious problems, was to teach him how to get himself back to the present.
Now although Ali’s case is dramatic, it is similar in nature to the challenge we all face whenever a large reality gap opens. The mind has many different ways to hijack our attention. As with Ali, it may pull us back into the past, replaying the painful events that opened the gap, or it may push us into the future, conjuring up all manner of fearful scenarios. It may even drag us deep into the swamp of our current problems: bogging us down in our pain and our stress and our hardship. For example, in the first week after my son was diagnosed, I was consumed by a thick black smog of rage, despair and fear; totally lost in thoughts such as ‘It’s not fair’ and ‘Why me?’ and ‘If only’. I was furious with reality: how could it treat me this way? I ranted and raved about the unfairness of life: How could this happen? How come some parents, who are totally unfit for the role of parenthood, get healthy normal children that they don’t even want?
But while it’s perfectly normal for our minds to react this way, it is not particularly helpful. We can’t respond effectively to a reality gap while we’re lost inside a smog of painful thoughts. So the first thing we need to do is learn how to bring ourselves back into the present. And we do this by using a skill I call ‘connection’.
‘Connection’ is one of the three core skills involved in presence. (The other two are called ‘defusion’ and ‘expansion’, and we’ll get to them in the next few chapters.) Connection means engaging fully in your experience: paying full attention, with openness and curiosity, to what is happening in the here and now.
Think of life as an ever-changing stage show. On that stage are all your thoughts and feelings, and everything that you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. Connection is like bringing up the lights on the stage in order to take in the details: at times, shining a spotlight on a particular performer, at other times illuminating the entire stage.
Connection is essential for effective action. If we want to do anything well, from dancing and skiing, to making love and conversation, to stacking dishes and playing cards, we need to keep our attention on the task at hand. The more we get entangled in our thoughts, the less attention we pay to what we are doing, and the more ineffectively we act. Our performance suffers; we make mistakes; we do things badly. We’ve all experienced this many times, in hundreds (if not thousands) of different activities.
And here’s the thing: no matter what sort of reality gap we face — a terminal illness, infidelity, obesity, bereavement, social isolation or unemployment — some sort of action is required. So, if we want to act effectively, we need to pull ourselves out of our thoughts and connect with the world around us. The following exercise shows you how to do this. I call it ‘Be Like A Tree’, and I like to do it at least two or three times a day. However, when I’m very stressed, I do it far more often.
Be Like A Tree
Think of a mighty tree: its long roots stretching deep into the ground below, its sturdy trunk rising upwards, and its branches stretching into the sky above. Use this image to inspire you as you follow the steps below.
STEP 1. ROOTS
Whether you are standing or sitting, plant your feet firmly on to the floor. Get a sense of the ground beneath you and gently press your feet downward. Notice the pressure of the ground against your soles and the gentle tension in your legs. Straighten your spine and let your shoulders slide down your back. Get a sense of gravity ‘flowing’ down your spine, into your legs and feet, and into the ground below. It’s as if you are taking root in the earth and ‘planting’ yourself firmly.
STEP 2. TRUNK
Slowly draw your attention upwards from the roots to the trunk (it is no coincidence that your abdomen and chest are called the ‘trunk’ of your body). Maintain some awareness of your feet against the floor, but focus mainly on your trunk. Sit up in your chair, or stand up straight, and notice the change in your posture. Breathe slowly and deeply, and notice the rise and fall of your rib cage. Note the gentle heaving of your shoulders and the rhythm and movement of your abdomen. Empty your lungs completely, then allow them to refill by themselves. Now expand your awareness: notice your whole trunk at the same time — your lungs, chest, shoulders and abdomen. Do this for at least ten breaths; if you have more time, do fifteen or twenty.
STEP 3. BRANCHES
Just as the branches of a tree reach into the sky, you now reach out into the world around you. Activate all five senses and extend them in all directions: notice, with curiosity, what you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch. Maintain some awareness of your roots and trunk, and the background rhythm of your breathing, but focus your attention mainly on the environment. Get a sense of where you are and what you are doing. Smell and taste the air as you breathe it in. Notice five things you can feel against your skin, such as the air on your face, the shirt on your back or the watch on your wrist. Notice five things that you can see and pay attention to their size, shape, colour, luminosity and texture. Notice five things that you can hear: the various sounds of nature or civilisation. Now engage fully in whatever task you are doing, giving it all your attention.
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The ‘Be Like A Tree’ exercise takes anything from three to six minutes to complete, depending on how many breaths you take in Step 2. And, as a general rule of thumb, the greater your emotional pain, the longer you should do it. And, if you like, you can add in the ‘Compassionate Hand’ exercise as described in the previous chapter. If you wish to do this, then in Step 2 of the exercise above, you would place a hand gently on your body and ‘send yourself’ kindness and warmth. This helps to infuse the exercise with self-compassion.
Now you probably found that despite your best intentions your mind repeatedly pulled you out of that exercise; it hijacked you and bundled you off before you even realised it. (If that didn’t happen, you’re either lucky or you’re already good at this skill.) In the following chapters, we’ll look at how and why the mind does this and what we can do about it.
In the meantime, practise this exercise every day, ideally two or three times. And even if at first it seems to make little differ -ence, persist. Over time, it will pay great dividends. And if your mind gets impatient for results, then remember these words, which come from the great Scottish author, Robert Louis Stevenson:
Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap,
but by the seeds that you plant.