Life is both kind and cruel; it doles out both wonder and dread in generous serves. In my years as a GP, I met many people who had suffered terribly in life. I saw children disfigured by fire and babies with fatal diseases. I saw strong capable adults reduced to invalids and brilliant minds wiped away by dementia. I saw bodies misshaped and deformed through all manner of injury — the victims of violence and disaster. I saw refugees from foreign lands, struggling to rebuild their lives after rape and torture, or struggling to start again after losing most of their family. I saw the freshly bereaved, howling in their anguish; distraught mothers clutching their still-born babies. I saw men with weeping sores and blistering skin, and women with broken bones and bleeding arteries. I saw the blind, the deaf and the paralysed, the seriously ill and the newly deceased.
And in the midst of all this pain, I saw courage, kindness and compassion. I saw people reaching out and helping each other; families bonding through crisis; friends and neighbours holding each other’s hands. I saw men and women facing death with dignity; love and affection pouring from broken hearts. I saw parents slowly rebuilding shattered lives, finding the strength within to persist and grow.
It never ceases to amaze me that in the midst of great pain we find great passion. A terrible crisis frequently brings out the best in us. It prompts us to open our hearts and search within — to reach inside and discover what we are made of.
Now, obviously, none of us likes or wants a reality gap. Indeed, the greater it is, the more intensely we dislike it, and the more desperately we want to get rid of it. But we can all make a choice about how we respond to it, and at times of great crisis many of us surprise ourselves. We may doubt ourselves or blame ourselves, but still rise bravely to the occasion and discover courage and strength in abundant supply.
Sadly, many of us only find these inner resources when reality knocks us over and stamps on our head. So why wait until that happens? Why not get in touch with our hearts right now and get clear about what we want to stand for in life, so we can align our actions to a chosen purpose? That way, when the reality gap opens wide (and it will) we can be prepared for it. This preparation is important, because when we have a strong sense of purpose in life, it is easier to make peace with a reality gap and make room for the pain that goes with it; it enables us to find vitality through taking meaningful action, despite all the pain. Without a sense of purpose, we can easily give up on life when the pain gets too great; we lose hope, ‘fall into a heap’ or put our life on hold. But if we take the time to infuse our life with meaning, we are far less likely to give up on it when the going gets tough.
Now as I mentioned earlier, when I ask my clients about meaning, purpose or values, they commonly become anxious, confused or go blank. At that point, I often take them through an exercise called ‘The Sweet Spot’, which was created by one of my mentors, the brilliant psychologist Kelly Wilson. I invite you now to try a simplified version of this exercise.
First, retrieve a memory — it could be a recent one, or one from the distant past — which encapsulates some of life’s sweetness for you. (Yes, even though life serves up much sorrow and pain, it also serves up much that is rich and sweet.) This memory does not have to be dramatic. It could be something momentous, such as skiing in the Swiss Alps, hiking through the Himalayas, holding your newborn baby in your arms, or having mad passionate sex with the love of your life. Or it could also be something as simple as sitting in a café and reading the paper while sipping your freshly brewed coffee, or riding your bike through the park on a sunny afternoon, or playing tennis with a friend, or reading a book on a beach, or having a hug with a loved one, or playing your favourite music. Literally anything that captures a taste of life’s richness will do.
Now close your eyes and make that memory as vivid as possible, as if it is happening here and now. See if you can tap right into the sweetness; to drink it in and let it flow through you; to appreciate the fullness of life as it was in that moment. And you may well find as you do this, that the sweetness of this memory is mixed with pain. You may encounter some sadness, longing or regret. This is hardly surprising, because whatever we hold precious will usually bring us pain. So as you engage with this memory, be open and make room for all that arises: the sweetness and the sorrow; the pleasure and the pain.
When you reach the end of this paragraph, put the book down, straighten your spine, let your shoulders drop and push your feet gently on to the floor. Close your eyes and take a few slow, deep breaths. Once you are calm and centred, relive your chosen memory in vivid detail. Take at least a minute or two, or longer if you wish. And as you relive this memory, look around inside it and explore it and notice what you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. And really savour that sweetness — really let yourself feel it, and as you do so, make room for all that arises.
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So how did you find that? Did you find it enjoyable? Did sadness or other painful emotions arise? If so, did you open up and make room for them? That was actually just the first part of the exercise. The second part is to go back into that memory, take a good look at yourself and:
Notice, inside that memory, what are you doing?
Notice, inside that memory, how are you behaving?
Notice, inside that memory, what personal qualities you are exhibiting?
Notice, inside that memory, the nature of your relationship with whatever activity you are doing: are you connected or disconnected; engaged or disengaged?
Notice, inside that memory, how are you treating yourself, others, and the world around you?
Then ponder the following questions for at least a few minutes:
What does this reveal about the personal qualities you’d like to embody?
What does this suggest about the way you’d ideally like to behave?
From an ACT perspective, there is no such thing as a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ value. For example, suppose you wish to be loving, caring, spontaneous, generous, supportive, sensual or forgiving: those values are not ‘right’ in any objective sense. Your social group may well judge your values and if the consensus is that they are ‘good’ they are then called ‘virtues’. But values themselves can’t be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, any more than our taste in pizza, ice-cream or wine can be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Like our taste in food and drink, our values simply express our preferences: they describe how we wish to behave on an ongoing basis.
Because of this, no ACT coach or therapist would ever dream of telling you what values to live by — only you can make that choice for yourself. However, I would like to share some information with you in the hope that it might help you clarify what your values are. You see, I’ve questioned thousands of people about their values and, while they come up with dozens of different words, their answers usually fall under three main headings: Connection, Caring and Contribution. And I’m willing to bet that your ‘sweet memory’ involves some or all of these three values. So let me ask you:
In this memory, are you deeply connected (i.e. engaged or fully present with someone, something or some activity)? Are you connected with another person, or with some miracle of nature, or with some type of food or drink or art or music? Are you connected with some activity: whether it is physical, mental or creative? Are you connected with your body, mind or spirit?
And within this memory, are you caring about someone, something or some activity? Is your heart wide open? Are you in touch with something that matters to you? Are you expressing concern or affection for yourself or others? Are you treating someone or something as precious or important?
And in this memory, are you contributing to someone or something? Are you contributing to your own health and happiness? Are you contributing to others and either sup -porting, nurturing, helping or loving them? Are you looking after nature or taking care of the environment? Or are you looking after your body, mind or spirit? Are you creating something for others to appreciate, or contributing to a team, group or community? Are you sharing something special with a loved one? Are you reaching out with kindness, warmth or tenderness? Are you contributing love, enthusiasm, curiosity, courage or creativity?
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I must confess that I am feeling quite nervous as I write this section of the book. This is because, as I said earlier, in ACT we do not tell you which values to choose, but offer all sorts of exercises to help you clarify your own values. (You’ll find such an exercise in Appendix 3.) Therefore, let me say once again, the three C’s are not the ‘right’ values, or the ‘best’ ones, or the ‘proper’ ones, and there is no need to agree with them or embrace them as your own. However, the three C’s are very common and many people find them useful as a starting point for living life with purpose. (This is why you’ll repeatedly encounter them in virtually all spiritual, religious and personal development pathways, across many societies, in virtually every period of human history.)
Now obviously there are many human values. (Indeed, you’ll find a list of fifty-eight common values in the aforementioned exercise in Appendix 3!) However, if you look closely, you’ll find that almost all values grow from within the soil of the three C’s. For example, values such as love, compassion, kindness, honesty, intimacy, trust, creativity, authenticity, openness, forgiveness and courage all have their roots in connection, caring and contribution. To help make this clear, let’s take a look at the roots of love.
When you hear the word ‘love’ what springs to mind? Most people think of it as a feeling: a blissful emotion that floods your heart with joy. But we can also think of love as an action. For example, when we say ‘she is a very loving person’, we are not referring to her feelings, we are referring to the manner in which she acts: her words, her deeds and her gestures. And if we wish to love well — to love anyone or anything, including ourselves — we will need the three C’s to do so.
For example, consider the love of a parent for a child. If you want to be a loving parent, then feeling love for your child is hardly enough. There are plenty of parents in the world who have feelings of love for their children, but neglect or abuse them. To be a loving parent, you need to act with love.
You need to connect with your child: to engage with him or her and be psychologically present. (If you are distracted or disengaged and not paying attention, then what message are you sending?)
And you need to care about your child: to care about his or her health, wellbeing and happiness; to understand his or her fears, passions and dreams, the way he or she sees the world, and his or her hopes for the future. (If you are uncaring, then what message are you sending?)
You need to contribute to this child: to actively nurture and support him or her; to help and encourage him or her; to soothe and reassure him or her; to give kindness, understanding and affection; to give time, energy and attention. (If you contribute little or nothing, then what message are you sending?)
Hopefully you can see that connection, caring and contribution are the three pillars of love, not just if we wish to be loving towards a child, but also if we want to be loving towards a partner, a parent, a pet, a project, a friend, a relative, a hobby, an activity, the environment, the planet or ourselves. And if you explore other values in a similar way, again and again you’ll find the three C’s at their root.
Suppose we think of our life as a huge and complex network of relationships: relationships with our body and mind; relation -ships with our family, friends and colleagues; relationships with our work and environment; and so on. If we want to live with purpose — to stand for something that matters — this idea is a very useful starting point. It enables us to let go of unhelpful stories such as ‘Life has no meaning’, or ‘I don’t know what to do with my life’, or ‘Is this all there is?’ Instead, we acknowledge that our life — no matter how wonderful or dreadful it may be — is a rich tapestry of relationships, and our purpose is to make them as good as possible.
If you agree with this proposition, then here is all you need to do, in any moment, to infuse your life with purpose: choose a relationship that matters and help it to flourish. And what might that involve? You guessed it: connection, caring and contribution. Let’s talk this through.
If we want to make the most of any relationship, we need to connect: to engage, to participate, to be fully present; to be conscious, open and involved. When we connect fully with anyone or anything, the relationship is far richer than when we are disconnected or ‘absent-minded’.
There is little hope for a relationship if we do not care. When we truly care about a relationship, and we act in ways that are caring, the relationship thrives. But if we act in ways that are hostile, uncaring or neglectful, the relationship withers.
To help a relationship flourish, we need to contribute: to support, to help out, to provide, to give, to nurture, to care, to share. If we don’t give to the relationship, it will suffer.
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To make this clear, let’s look at three different relationships. First consider your relationship with this book. Are you connecting with the words? Are you engaging in the experience of reading? Do you care about what you read? Do you care about the difference it could make to your life? Are you contributing enthusiasm or curiosity? Now consider this: have you ever had a relationship with a book where you didn’t connect with the words, or you didn’t care about the content, or you didn’t contribute enthusiasm or curiosity? If so, was it rewarding and fulfilling, or did it feel like a waste of your time?
Next consider self-compassion: a relationship with yourself. Clearly it is based on all three C’s: you are connecting with yourself, caring about yourself and contributing kindness to yourself.
Last but not least, consider defusion and expansion. In practising these skills, we are building better relationships with our thoughts and feelings. We care about them: we care about what they mean and how they affect us. We also connect with them: we notice where they are and what they are doing and what they look like, sound like or feel like. And we contribute to them: we give them space, we offer them peace and we contribute our curiosity.
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The great thing with this approach is that we can instantly make our life more meaningful — we don’t have to wait until we find some noble cause or life mission, we can simply bring the three C’s into any or all of our relationships, here and now. In the next chapter, we’ll look at how to do that, but in the meantime, let’s finish with something to reflect on: a quote from the Canadian poet, Henry Drummond:
You will find, as you look back upon your life, that the
moments when you have really lived are the moments when
you have done things in the spirit of love.