When was the last time you received a reality slap? We’ve all had plenty of them in our lives: those moments when life suddenly deals us a painful blow. It’s a shock, and it hurts, and it knocks us off balance; we struggle to stay on our feet, and sometimes we fall.
The reality slap takes many different forms. Sometimes it’s so violent, it’s more like a punch: the death of a loved one, a serious illness or injury, a freak accident, a violent crime, a disabled child, bankruptcy, betrayal, fire, flood or disaster. At other times the slap is somewhat gentler: that sudden flash of envy when we realise someone else has got what we want; those sharp pangs of loneliness when we realise how disconnected we are from others; that burst of anger or resentment over some sort of mistreatment; those short, sharp shocks when we catch sight of our reflection and we don’t like what we see; those painful stabs of failure, disappointment or rejection.
Sometimes the slap quickly recedes into memory: a passing moment, a brief ‘rude awakening’. At other times it knocks us senseless and leaves us wandering in a daze for days or weeks. However, whatever form it takes, one thing’s for sure: the reality slap hurts. We don’t expect it, we don’t like it, and we definitely don’t want it. And, unfortunately, the slap is just the beginning. What comes next is much harder. For once the slap wakes us up, we then face the gap.
I call it ‘the reality gap’ because on one side is the reality we have, and on the other is the reality we want. And the bigger the gap between those two realities, the more painful the feelings that will arise: envy, jealousy, fear, disappointment, shock, grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, outrage, dread, guilt, resentment; perhaps even hatred, despair or disgust. And, whereas the slap is usually over quickly, the gap can persist for days, weeks, months, years and even decades.
Most of us are ill-equipped to deal with large reality gaps. Our society doesn’t teach us how to handle them or, rather, it doesn’t teach us how to handle them effectively, in such a way that we can thrive and find lasting fulfilment. Our first instinct, whenever we encounter a reality gap, is to try and close it; we take action to change reality, so it conforms to our wishes. And if we succeed, the gap closes and we feel good. We feel happy, content or calm, with a sense of achievement or relief. And this is all well and good. After all, if there’s something we can do to get what we want in life — and if it’s not a criminal activity, and it doesn’t go against our core values, and it’s not going to create even bigger problems for us — then it makes sense to go ahead and do it.
But what happens when we can’t get what we want? What do we do when we can’t close that reality gap; when someone we love dies, or our partner leaves us, or our kids move overseas, or we can’t have children, or our child has a serious disability, or someone we want to be friends with doesn’t like us, or we lose our eyesight, or we are diagnosed with an incurable or chronic illness, or we’re not as smart or talented or good-looking as we would like? And what happens when we can close the reality gap, but it’s going to take a long, long time to do it; how do we cope in the meantime?
I once read an article that claimed all self-help books could be lumped into two categories: those that claim you can have everything you ever wanted in life, if only you put your mind to it; and those that claim you can’t have everything you want, but you can still lead a rich and rewarding life. This book is definitely in the second category.
To be honest, I am amazed that people buy books in the first category. If you look closely at anybody’s life, from Bill Gates to Brad Pitt, from Buddha to Jesus, from the rich and famous and powerful to the beautiful and strong and smart, you will see that nobody gets everything they want. It is impossible. During our time on this planet, we’re all going to experience disappointment, frustration, failure, loss, rejection, illness, injury, ageing and death.
If the reality gap is small, or it seems like we can close it relatively quickly, then most of us handle it reasonably well. But the bigger it gets, and the longer it stays open, the more we tend to struggle. And this is why ‘inner fulfilment’ is so important. Inner fulfilment is a deep sense of peacefulness, wellbeing and vitality that you can experience even in the face of a large reality gap: even when your dreams don’t come true, your goals aren’t achieved and your life is harsh, cruel or unfair.
This is very different to ‘external fulfilment’: those good feelings we have when we manage to conform reality to our wishes; to close the gap, to achieve our goals, to get what we really want in life. External fulfilment is important: we all like to achieve goals and get our needs met. But external fulfilment isn’t always possible. (If you think it is always possible, you’re definitely reading the wrong book. You should read one of those books that claim you can have whatever you want simply by asking the Universe and believing it will deliver.)
In this book, then, as you’ve probably gathered, we’re going to focus on inner fulfilment: a deep sense of wellbeing and peace that we cultivate from within ourselves, rather than searching for it outside ourselves. And the good news is, the resources that enable inner fulfilment are always available to us; they’re like a bottomless well deep inside us, from which we can draw whenever thirsty. However, just because this is our focus, it doesn’t mean we give up on all our worldly pleasures, desires, wants, needs and goals; we’ll certainly look at how to close the reality gap, if and when it can be closed. What it does mean is that we no longer depend upon things outside ourselves for our sense of wellbeing and vitality; that even in the midst of great pain, or fear, or loss, or deprivation, we can find a sense of peace and comfort within.
You probably know the old story about the three blind men and the elephant. Just to refresh your memory, three blind men approach the ringmaster of a circus. ‘We want to know what an elephant is like,’ they say. ‘Can you let us touch one?’ The ringmaster agrees and allows them to touch his prize elephant who, luckily, is very friendly and accommodating. The first blind man grabs the elephant’s trunk and feels it all over. ‘Gosh,’ he says, ‘an elephant is just like a python.’ Meanwhile, the second blind man is running his hands all over the elephant’s leg. ‘It’s nothing like a python,’ he protests, ‘it’s like a tree trunk.’ At the same time, the third blind man is feeling the elephant’s tail and says, ‘I don’t know what you two are talking about. An elephant is like a piece of rope.’
Of course, all three men were accurate in their observations, but each one of them held only one piece of the puzzle. And this book is somewhat similar: I liken it to twenty-two blind men exploring an elephant. Each chapter will bring you into contact with one aspect of the elephant — sometimes a large part, like the trunk, and sometimes a smaller detail, like an eyelid. Eventually, by the end of the book, the elephant will be revealed in all its glory. (I even thought about calling this book The Elephant Within but it just didn’t have the same ring.)
The elephant in question is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT (which is said as the word ‘act’, not as the initials). ACT is a scientifically based model for enriching and enhancing human lives, created by US psych -ologist Steven C. Hayes, based on the concepts of mindfulness and values. If you’re new to these concepts and how they help us thrive in the face of life’s challenges, then this book will give you a gentle but thorough introduction. But, if you are already familiar with these concepts, then this book will help you to gain new insights, remind yourself of the things you had forgotten, or revisit old places and discover something you hadn’t previously noticed.
The chapters in this book are designed not only to open up your mind, but also your heart. In some I’ll be playful and light-hearted, and in others I’ll be deadly serious and share deeply personal stories that may even bring a tear to your eyes. I like to think of each chapter as windows opening on to a magnificent landscape: they enable you to appreciate where you are; they extend your view, allowing you to see further and more clearly; and they open up possibilities for new directions.
So please take your time and enjoy the journey. There is no need to rush. Each time you touch the elephant, savour that contact; each time you open a window, appreciate the view. In this way, step-by-step, and moment-by-moment, you will learn how to find fulfilment when reality hurts.