As both houses were being furiously packed up and shipped off, we found ourselves in the way. Fritzy suggested some exercise up the mountain. The summit was reporting a fresh ten inches with pleasant weather through the afternoon. Franz's prodding and temptation won out at last, and I found myself on the way up the mountain in full gear. Frieda still had not uttered a word to either of us, but as we were leaving, a basket full of food appeared. Judging from the contents, it was the basket Klaus had sent with us. I had sent word to Eva hoping she would sneak away, but she declined, requesting another trip a little farther away. I sent word back to plan a trip to Mayrhofen for the coming week, as her schedule allowed.
The conditions were ideal, we took the low run first for a warm-up. On the second run, we went all the way to the top, wagers being made the entire ascent. The sky was a clear baby blue, the powder on top perfect. With Fritzy having already taken the win for the first run, I had the determination to take him on this one. We started at a count of three.
Flying down the run, I felt free for the first time in months, years. Straight lining brought me down faster than I wanted to admit possible. Before I realized it, the run-out was in front of us.
"YEAH!" I shouted, barely crossing the end marker before Fritzy face-planted me for my trouble. It was worth it though. Like two kids, we could not wait to get back to the top.
Early afternoon brought clouds massing on the peaks north of us and marked an end to the trip. Truth be told, we were beat and happy for the basket of food and a beer. Being Austrian, my aversion to beer seemed almost criminal, but it simply never appealed to me. When necessary, I could push myself to drink a half pint or so. It took some real effort on my part though. Instead, I would opt for other libations. Just now, water was sweet nectar from the gods.
We made short work of our lunch and headed back to Innsbruck. Franz drew the straw for the trip. I almost passed out in the passenger seat when he dropped the bomb.
"So, you finally figured it out."
He said it like I understood exactly what he was talking about. I lay against the seat trying to decide if I wanted to sit up or just engage in a relaxed position. Better judgment warned me to sit up. I stretched my overtaxed muscles and sat up, ready to duel.
"You have baited the hook, accept this gesture as me grabbing your line and running upstream," I said, looking at the clouds rolling along the peaks, edging their way down the slopes.
"You dope! Eva! You finally figured out why you couldn't stay away from her."
I sat up farther, moving my left leg onto the seat and turning my body so I could look full on at him.
"Fritzy, how the hell do you know anything about Eva?" Considering our track record, it put me off thinking he knew or had known for any amount of time.
"Only twice in our entire lives have I ever seen you pining for a woman. Anytime we are away for more than a few months you start… ‘When we get back, I'll go see Madame, I wonder when we'll be back so I can go see Madame, I wonder if Madame is still there.’ It does not matter that there are houses at your disposal all over Europe, you only want to be here. I thought you would never figure it out!" Franz said, rolling his eyes.
"You knew, you knew, and you never said a word? You knew when, when...." My throat closed off; I could not say it. My throat burned like liquid fire tears were behind my eyes, and rage swelled in my chest. "Stop the car!" I said in a voice that did not even sound like mine.
Franz pulled over. I got out, grabbed my coat, and started walking. Fritzy drove up beside me with the window down.
"Come on, Sandy, get in the car."
I ignored him and kept walking. I do not know how long it was before he gave up and drove off.
Women were a problem when we were younger. Inevitably, we always fell for the same girl. In time, we would let the girl choose, of course, the girl had no idea, or if they did, they never let on. There was never anyone serious, as usual with us, the competition and the challenge became the catalyst. At 26, in the middle of a ski holiday, we met her. Amalia Maria Magdalene Von Steiner, the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Fritzy felt the same way of course. There was a meeting over hot schnapps in front of the fire in our suite. All bets were off, every man for himself, and luck to both! Her Brown hair glistened, her lips were perfectly shaped, and her hazel eyes showed the light of a million stars. Listening to her voice brought a feeling of love to my chest, words fail me even now.
But Amalia fell madly in love with Franz.
Franz understood my plight, he struggled with the hurt I felt, mingled with his love for Amalia. I left for Innsbruck immediately, truly wishing him the best but needing to escape. Months went by, I took a sabbatical from my internship at Innsbruck University. Franz reached out often, genuinely concerned, even offering to walk away. Absurd! The blessing of love is a raffle we often do not win. Franz and Amalia both won a gift not to be discarded. Within that first month, the dreaded question came. Best man, best man at the wedding of the woman haunting my mind. Of course, I would accept the obligation of best man. When was the wedding? Where? We must celebrate the bachelor’s holiday before. Fortunately, it would be months away still, with two families from minor nobility, formalities would drag the timeline like a tiny barge tugging an overloaded ship.
Eva lingered in my mind in those dark days, but somehow, I could not bring myself to go to her. Instead, Switzerland became my immediate destination after the wedding news. Unbeknownst to me, my parents followed close behind. The entire world seemed in crisis, a mirror of my embodiment. My continuing goal inadvertently became transmuting myself into a bottle of alcohol, no matter the type. Less than a week after my arrival, Father, accompanied by his manservant and several other gentlemen I had never seen before, barged into my suites, packed me up, and pushed me into a carriage, gifting me and my screaming head a seemingly endless ride to the Villa we would be staying at. I was pounced upon, hauled to a large bath, scrubbed head to toe, dressed, given hair of the dog, thankfully, and presented to all just in time for supper. After supper, my mother forgot her normal departure and joined my father and me in the drawing room. Surprisingly, a very generous portion of honey liquor found its way to my hand courtesy of my Father. He had acquired a taste for it in his youth. Rarely had I observed him partake, but tonight he held an equally generous portion. The shock came when he handed my mother the same. A memorable family moment was about to happen in 3, 2, 1... Father's posture became statuesque as he began the practiced speech.
"Son, you credit the name Von Rieser. The actions you have taken throughout your life serve as a model for others. We take considerable pride in your life and the achievements thereof. The recent developments in the Dolomites are unfortunate on your part. However, as your parents, we have ever sought to impress upon you the unforeseen consequences of the wrong left turn, as it were. We are led to understand the young lady betrothed to Franz never had intentions for anyone else?"
It was obvious from the tone that this was posed as a question, and they both looked at me waiting for a reply. The words hurt as they passed my lips.
"No, Amalia never made any pretense of having the slightest interest in me."
The pain must have been visible as Mother averted her moist eyes and Father, very discreetly, cleared a tightened throat.
"Alexsander, your recent lack of standards is understandable had the young lady trifled with you at any point, love is something we deeply understand," he cast a glance at Mother, "but we also understand the damage it may wreak under these circumstances. Therefore, you shall convalesce here at the Villa for as long as necessary, out of the public view. Your Mother and I will remain with you for any support you may need; but Alexsander," he dropped his voice low and looked straight into my soul, "do not drown in your sorrow. The body requires breath to live."
As if emphasizing his point, both downed the entire contents of their glasses. Mother, slightly breathless, came over, kissed my cheek, and whispered in my ear.
"We will retire now, we love you, Alexsander."
With that they were gone, shoes clicking up the stairs.
I took my glass, finished filling it, as the honey liquor had become a favorite of mine also, and stepped out into the night air to drown. The moon was almost full, sleek, and lovely in her grace. Turning a lounge chair toward the moon, I sat down to look forlornly at another lady I would never touch. Halfway through my glass, my father's manservant inquired after my needs. I assured him there was nothing he could satisfy, and he retired for the night.
Only when Otto passed had there been a deep sadness from either of my parents. Tonight, would indeed be one for the records. Throughout my life, they had supported, suggested, and spun tales regarding morals, consequences, and outcomes. The solemnity of what had just transpired was anything but lost on me. I rose and walked to the edge of the veranda, looking longingly at the white lady in the sky. I slowly poured the rest of the expensive glass of honey liquor over the railing. Whispering to her, "My only true love."
I entered the drawing room, turned the glass upside down on the tray, and went up to bed. I lay on top of the covers with the curtains wide, bathing in the love of the lady that would ebb and flow through the rest of my life. She took pity on this poor mortal man as he bathed in her caresses, falling asleep in her embrace; perhaps Amalia was an infatuation made more appealing by her unavailability. I prefer to believe my lovely lady moon healed me in exchange for my expression of devotion. Whichever it was, the morning dawned on a ravenous appetite and the question to my parents in between bites.
"May we please just go home?"
A look passed between them never observed by me before, it felt like love jumping into joy’s arms.
I had taken up my post at university again when I returned to Innsbruck, but not before taking comfort from Madame for a few weeks. Then off and on for some months after. Looking back, he was not wrong, my core feelings for Eva were almost identical to my feeling for Amalia. With a caveat, my feelings for Eva were intimate, solid, and unwavering. To this day, I still feel the same way for Amalia as I always had. Now though, in the light of the truth, those feelings had always been there for Eva. I simply knew being with her was impossible, therefore I never took the time or the chance to entertain anything more.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I am such a child," I said to no one.
Looking around for the first time in what seemed forever; I tried to get my bearings. Christ, it was raining, how long had it been raining? Irritated, chilled, and a little off-kilter, I stopped, and just took a few breaths for a minute. My eyes closed, and I heard the distinct sounds of an ale house. Just down the road a bit. I was just walking across their lot when my car pulled up next to me.
"Sandy, just get in will you, we'll work this out," Franz said.
I looked at him, but the rage was burnt out, gone. I climbed into the passenger side feeling cold, wet, and betrayed as we headed home. How the bath was hot and ready for me, I do not know, but it was. I saw no one when I came in, went upstairs, stripped, and climbed into the bath. The comfortable warmth enveloped me. Then Fritzy barged in pulling a chair and table up to the tub. He retrieved a tray prepared by the same mysterious person I assume prepared the bath. He gingerly set the tray on the table and took a seat.
"We are bathing together now?" The words took on a snide tone as they left my mouth.
"Well, if you'd like, but it will be tight, let me get undressed first," Franz said as he stood up and began taking off clothes.
"Stop, please, Franz, just leave me in peace."
"No, Sandy, no I will not leave you in peace, I will not leave you period, just as you never leave me when I need you," Franz said with fierce determination, staring at me. "Here, just drinks the damn thing!" Franz said, handing me a hot peppermint Schnapps.
I had to admit it hit the spot.
"How could I know, Sandy, how could I know how you would feel about her too? Neither of us could know. At first, I thought it was infatuation. If you could see the way you are when you are with Eva. On some level, it did not seem possible to feel the way you did for her and still fall for someone else. Then, when it happened, when your depth of feeling hit me, I realized you had no idea about your feelings for Eva. None."
I started to interrupt.
"No, let me finish my thoughts, it has taken years to find the words. I love you, Sandy, you are my brother, my twin, the other half of me. How was I supposed to tell you that you really love another, and you cannot have her either? Even if by some fluke you had listened, what would you have done? What could you have done? You are thirty-five, Sandy, you are secure in yourself, your station, your faith, would you have been able to love her at twenty-six?" Franz sat back as he finished speaking. He ran his hands through his too-long blond hair, poured another schnapps, and leaned back heavily in the wing chair he had dragged in next to the tub.
Suddenly, like a madman, I was struck by the scene. Me, naked in the tub, Franz in a wing chair crammed in next to the tub, and a reading table with a platter atop crammed in between the tub and chair. Laughter consumed me, all I could do was laugh, before I knew it, Fritzy was laughing right along with me. We laughed until we cried, stopped, started, and laughed some more. Our ribs hurt by the time we were able to stop. We sat quietly, staring at each other. Franz spoke first.
"Sigmund Freud has some interesting theories on what just happened."
"Let me guess, a minor psychotic break resulting in an uncontrollable release of penile frustration?" I said.
We both started to laugh again but had to stop.
"For God's sake hand me a towel and let's find some food!" I said, draining the tub and standing up.
We ended up at a favorite supper house by the plaza. Orders were placed, and we relaxed in the quiet corner we had asked for.
"You know me better than I know myself in some ways." I was looking across the room as I said it, watching people interact with each other. Spotting their habits, their patterns, and nervous behaviors.
"As you do me," Franz replied, also observing the room.
"I would have destroyed her, would have blamed her, accused her of...of tricking me, trapping me, wanting my wealth. Anything that would have driven her from me forever, knowing I couldn't be with her, couldn't bring her home, marry her, parade her around in the way she deserves." I looked over at Franz as I said it, shame filling me, I went back to observing the room.
Franz swirled his drink, still watching everything around us.
"If it had gone the other way, you would have devastated them both. Eventually, Eva would have overshadowed her. She would never have been able to live up to the goddess firmly entrenched in your heart." He sighed a heavy, hurt filled sigh, continuing, his voice almost breaking, "Her very temperament was a gentle summer breeze. Eva is a whirlwind of fire; it would have broken you after you broke both of them."
He swallowed the contents and motioned for another. The thoughts formed into words behind his eyes.
"When you went to Switzerland,” he continued, “I had the ticket to follow you, but Uncle Otto said ‘no,’ he would not allow me to go. ‘Spend time with your betrothed,’ he said, ‘enjoy the chaos of insanity you are both about to experience before you settle down.’"
Franz's drink arrived with the hors d'oeuvres we had ordered. He woofed down several and resumed.
"Uncle Otto did not know, but we were set to call the whole thing off if you and I were unable to overcome the wedge. I would not settle for one or the other. We made a promise to each other, you, and I, when we were young, a promise that has carried us through everything in our lives. As long as I breathe, my oath will remain whole." He stared at me, laughed, and looked back at the people getting on with their lives. "I hear what you're thinking, Sandy, we both know you would have done the same for me. So, climb down from the cross you are erecting in your soul. Christ already owns that property." We stared at each other; a small laugh escaped me.
Dinner came with a beautiful steak, side dishes covering the table. The thought we would never eat all of this was on the tip of my tongue. However, our last meal was a light snack on the slopes. I even made a good showing, wiping out the steak and finishing several helpings of sides. The waiter came back to check on us and looked surprised. "Skiing!" I said, and he assured us they were able to provide additional items if needed. We both chuckled as he moved away.
I gave up while Franz scraped the bowls clean.
"A heavy burden to carry for nine years," I said as he pushed his plate back.
"Is it, Sandy? Is it heavier than the burdens you carry for me?" Franz replied with a question, looking at me intensely.
"I suppose it isn't, Fritzy, but it certainly makes you a disagreeable fuck at times."
We both laughed, relaxation slowly seeping back in. Much to Franz's delight, the dessert tray arrived, leaving one of each, at his request. For an unknown reason, this caught the attention of all the patrons in the vicinity. We both smiled our most brilliant smiles, and everyone turned away. Which prompted more laughter from us. The waiter returned to check on us, bringing a hot buttered rum for each of us, compliments of Herr Schumacher's table, current Governor of Tyrol.
Franz inclined his head, as Schumacher was in his field of view.
"Looks like both of our parents, along with other members of the front are there. They are just off the main dining area in a private salon." Franz said, smiling and talking.
"I quite prefer to remain seated here, thank you." I said watching Franz for cues.
"Well, no one waved us over or inclined we should volunteer, oh there we are, they have closed the doors, off the hook." Franz said, his shoulders relaxing.
Time ticked by the crowd had thinned, and we were both enjoying coffee. Still occupying our spectators’ playground.
"Will she renounce her lifestyle and seek absolution from his holiness?" Franz threw it like a trump card.
I stared at him, unsure of how to reply. I had not even thought of it. Second, I doubted very seriously she would feel she needed to be absolved of a life she was forced into. Lastly, and more importantly, marriage was not a condition she seemed inclined to.
"Gaining absolution may not be a pursuit she finds worthwhile." But even as I said it, I realized where he was headed with this.
"Yes, I will be your best man, regardless of the official capacity of the relationship. However, take the time to consider all the implications and the people they will affect. It is easy to take on, the you-and-me-against-the-world persona when you have nothing to lose in life. However, we are not afforded that luxury. We will not stop being held to standards because we are in love."
Franz sounded so very much like my father as he spoke the words. But he was correct, I glanced back at the closed doors of society behind me.
I too pass from the night,
I stay a while away O night,
but I return to you again and love you.
Why should I be afraid to trust myself to you?
I am not afraid, I have been well brought forward by you,
I love the rich running day,
but I do not desert her in whom I lay so long,
I know not how I came of you,
and I know not where I go with you, but
I know I came well and shall go well.
I said it quietly, only Franz to hear the truth of it.
"Perhaps, if we form a united front and speak with her together, she will understand the gravity of the situation," Franz said.
"‘Our love will be kept here for us in safety until I sell this place and find a new chapter for my life.’ Those were her words to me, she understands the situation all too well, she has for years."
The bill was paid, and we began the walk home. The air was cold, we walked in silence, pulling our coat collars up and our hats down. Upon arriving, we both went to the study, built up the fire, and pulled the lone remaining chesterfield close to the flames. We lay back, each at our own, established end. So much still needed to be said, discussed, and worked through. I still had not relayed Eva's idea for extracting information from those patrons belonging to the Reich. I also needed to discuss the possibility of needing to move two Jewish girls who worked in her establishment out of the country. My mind worked through all the things we needed to talk about.