hat does the perfect home life look like to you?Life at home can drive you crazy. Here’s a plan to keep you sane.
hat does the perfect home life look like to you?
Did you write a description of what things are like in your house right now? I’ll take a pretty safe gamble and guess you didn’t. More often than not, people think things at home are way worse than they actually are. But if you really thought about it objectively, you’d probably have to admit your family isn’t so bad. Most of the time, though, it’s like you’re wearing glasses with magnifying lenses: everything your parents and siblings do, no matter how small or benign, seems huge, like it’s just another part of the conspiracy to ruin your life. And you’re not crazy—someone really is out to screw up everything for you.
What you need to realize is its not your family conspiring against you—its Satan. This is the first of five chapters that focus on specific areas of your life where you might need some help living out God’s plan. I’m highlighting these areas—family, friendships, dating, sex, and pornography/masturbation—because they’re the parts of your life where Satan works hardest to get you to believe his lies. In your family life, his plan is to drive a wedge between you and your parents or siblings any and every way he can. And one of the best and most effective ways he does this is by convincing you that your family is worse than any other family. One after another, angry ideas will pop into your head, courtesy of the world’s first and best liar:
“Your parents suck! Your friends’ parents are so much cooler.”
“Your parents just don’t get you. Forget them. You don’t need them.”
“Your younger brother is so annoying. Just ignore him.”
“Your parents like your sister more than they like you.”
Family is very important to God. Why do you think he calls himself the Father and Jesus the Son? Why does he call us his children? Because he knows the bond between family members is one of the greatest and strongest this world can offer. So causing problems in your family doesn’t just make you and your parents and siblings unhappy—it makes God unhappy too. Your job as a man is to make your family relationships better, not worse. So take a shot at putting aside the things that sometimes go wrong, and let me suggest a few ways you can make more go right in your house.
Whether you have one or both parents actively involved in your life, you probably drive each other crazy a lot of the time. Maintaining a healthy relationship with Mom and Dad is not solely your parents’ job. Remember, you’re a man of responsibility. Romans 12:18 says to “do your best to live at peace with everyone” (CEV).
Recently I was in Texas, speaking to students in public schools. One night during my trip I spoke to parents. That’s where I met Pam, a single mother of three. Her husband had left her four years earlier. Her two sons and a daughter are teenagers. Pam explained how being a single mom and working a full-time job leaves little time for real communication with her three kids. She explained how her once close family was now falling apart because all of them were busy living their own lives and not paying much attention to one another. Pam was devastated by this.
I offered some possible solutions for Pam to try. However, in this situation, like many, it takes work from everyone involved. For healing to happen in many families in a funk, all family members have to do their part. Your number-one responsibility is to do your part—not tell your little brother what to do (even though he may really need it) and not blame every problem on your parents being “unfair” (even though their rules can seem really unnecessary sometimes). So how do you do your part? Here are a few ideas about how to have a better relationship with your parents.
Children with good sense make their parents happy, but foolish children make them sad. (Proverbs 10:1, CEV)
Okay, let’s start with the verse I’m sure you’ve heard more times than you’d like to remember. Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother.” There’s no mistaking what God is saying in that verse. It doesn’t say to honor them unless you disagree with them. It just says honor them. Period.
Showing honor to your parents is easy on Christmas morning when they’re giving you the newest video game system or, even better, keys to your first car. Respecting their wishes when you don’t agree with them is a different thing entirely. In that situation, honoring them may not give you the result you’re after. But consistently being respectful will show your parents that you’re mature enough to obey them, even when it stinks. This will prove to be to your advantage someday. Take a look:
Obey your father and your mother, and you will have a long and happy life. (Ephesians 6:2–3, CEV)
Plus, they might let you do more stuff if they see how respectful and mature you can be.
Think back to the last argument you had with your parents. What was it over? Does it even really matter today? If you’re being honest, you’d probably admit that most disagreements you have with Mom and Dad begin over little things. But if you’re not careful, these little things can start to become big things. When you and your parents disagree, it’s important to be honest and on point at the beginning, so small disagreements don’t turn into all-out war. When you don’t communicate exactly how you feel, you build up a lot of anger and often end up saying something hurtful that you’ll regret later.
But it can be risky to be open and honest, especially when you assume the thing you’re going to say may not be received too well by your parents. That’s why you need to remember these three tips when you’re trying to resolve an argument:
1. Always speak with respect. Your parents may not agree with what you say. However, an honest word spoken with respect will get you a lot further than an honest word spoken with disrespect.
2. Never speak with anger. This may mean that when an argument starts, you need to take time to cool down before a discussion continues. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up” (CEV). If you really want to resolve a conflict rather than keep arguing, then don’t forget this: Speaking out of anger will never resolve a conflict. It’ll only make it worse.
3. Choose your words wisely. Speaking honestly is important. However, this doesn’t mean that you have complete freedom to babble on and on just to get your point across. Choose your words wisely. Proverbs 10:19 says, “You will say the wrong thing if you talk too much—so be sensible and watch what you say” (CEV).
Parenting is a tough job. And your parents aren’t perfect. No one could do what they do flawlessly all the time. But your mom and dad are doing their best, and their best is probably a lot better than you realize.
Have you ever stopped to consider how much your parents do for you? Without even realizing it, you most likely expect one or both of your parents to be a financial manager, housekeeper, personal shopper, launderer, chef, volunteer, medic, counselor, groundskeeper, chauffeur, and hander-outer of cash when you’re in need of a financial fix. As if all that weren’t enough, they also have more than just you to worry about: your siblings, your grandparents, their jobs, the bills, the dog you promised you would feed but never actually do … it’s a long list. No parent could handle all this stuff perfectly, because no parent is perfect. And in case you’ve forgotten, you aren’t perfect either.
So when your parents make you angry, try to remember all the things they do right rather than the few times they fall a little short. I’m sure you’d like them to do the same for you, especially when you’re asking to stay out an hour past curfew.
Anthony said the reality hit him during his senior year of high school: soon he wouldn’t be living under the same roof as his parents anymore. In his effort to make the most of the time he had left at home with Mom and Dad, he blocked out time one night a week to hang with his parents. Going to a movie, watching a game, working in the yard, or just sitting and talking created lasting memories to take with him when he left for college.
When was the last time you did something special for a parent? Maintaining a healthy relationship with Mom and Dad isn’t just about doing everything right in a moment of conflict. Be proactive in strengthening your relationship with your parents. I’m not saying to kiss up to them or angle for favors. But going the extra mile, especially when it’s least expected, can do wonders for a relationship.
Surprise Mom and Dad this week:
• Clean up the house without being asked.
• Look around the yard for a project that your mom or dad hasn’t found time to finish—and finish it.
• Take your younger brother or sister to the mall or to a friend’s house to give Mom and Dad a night to themselves.
• Cook dinner for them.
Give ’em a heart attackBelieve it or not, Mom and Dad still like to spend time with you. Instead of hanging with your friends, take one night this weekend and ask your mom and dad out on a date. Take them to their favorite restaurant, and eat, talk, and get to know each other even more. And hope that your parents offer to pay.
I have two brothers. One older. One younger. Yes, I’m a middle child. And yes, this explains a lot about me. Growing up was never dull in our home. One bathroom, one go-cart, one Atari, and three boys always meant that someone was hoarding, someone was complaining, and someone was waiting in line.
I remember the time my older brother and I painted our neighbors’ fence, without their permission. And then there was the time we walked across the top of a waterfall, barefoot, on incredibly slippery rocks, fifty feet above a riverbed. I also recall when we stripped down to our skivvies and water-skied past a boat full of fishermen. That was pretty funny, until I lost my balance and came to a sudden stop on my … Well, lets just say it hurt. We did some pretty stupid—and awesome—things growing up.
We had a lot of fun together, but like all siblings, my brothers and I didn’t agree on everything. And a lot of times we found ourselves in some heated arguments, usually about really insignificant things like who got to hold the remote or whose turn it was to mow the lawn or who was going to ride shotgun. There were times when the arguments got really intense, and we would get so mad at each other we couldn’t stand it.
But today my brothers are two of my closest friends. And the time I spent with Kent and Jeremy growing up made for memories that’ll last a lifetime. The ups and downs of sibling relationships are a part of every family. And rivalries among siblings are a normal part of growing up. There’ll be times in even the best relationships when conflicts flare up. But there’s a right and a wrong way to handle them.
In the story about the first brothers on earth, Cain, Abel’s brother, handled their sibling conflicts completely wrong. Let’s see what we can learn from their story.
Abel was a herdsman and Cain a farmer.
Time passed. Cain brought an offering to GOD from the produce of his farm. Abel also brought an offering, but from the firstborn animals of his herd, choice cuts of meat. GOD liked Abel and his offering, but Cain and his offering didn’t get his approval. Cain lost his temper and went into a sulk.
GOD spoke to Cain: “Why this tantrum? Why the sulking? If you do well, won’t you be accepted? And if you don’t do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it’s out to get you, you’ve got to master it.”
Cain had words with his brother. They were out in the field; Cain came at Abel his brother and killed him.
GOD said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?”
He said, “How should I know? Am I his babysitter?”
GOD said, “What have you done! The voice of your brother’s blood is calling to me from the ground. From now on you’ll get nothing but curses from this ground; you’ll be driven from this ground that has opened its arms to receive the blood of your murdered brother. You’ll farm this ground, but it will no longer give you its best. You’ll be a homeless wanderer on Earth.” (Genesis 4:2–12, MSG)
What a sad story. Cain made a terrible choice that cost him his brother, his family, and his future. As a man, you’re responsible for being a brother who works toward unity, no matter the situation, no matter who’s right, and no matter how wronged you may feel.
The story of Cain and Abel is the first story of many about two brothers caught up in competition. Cain realized that Abel had one-upped him before God. Instead of celebrating his younger brother’s decision to honor God and commending him on a job well done, Cain allowed jealousy and pride to overtake him. The end result was devastating.
Proverbs 16:18 says, “First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall” (MSG). A real man understands that brotherly love always trumps pride. Work hard to be a brother who lifts up your siblings rather than tearing them down.
a little brotherly love• Be a brother who defends a sibling when they’re being criticized or made fun of.
• Keep a sibling accountable for their actions without being critical.
• A younger brother or sister may seem like they’re always in the way. But remember, they most likely look up to you, and because of that, they want to be around you. Work to be someone who deserves their admiration.
Family conflicts will never completely disappear. You won’t always agree with your family members’ choices, convictions, or lifestyles. You need to know that’s okay. There’s no one on this planet exactly like you, so there’s no one you’re going to agree with 100 percent of the time. But remember, God has given you your family. It’s the only one you’ve got. So you should take good care of it.
Also keep in mind that in a moment of conflict, rather than fighting to the very end to win, no matter how angry you may be, you need to be a man who’s willing to walk away. Cain wasn’t willing to do this, and it cost him a brother and gained him a life of misery. Proverbs 10:12 says, “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” Love can overcome any conflict. Strive to be a peacemaker in your house. In family life, disagreeing is inevitable. But as you’re working to become the man God wants you to be, strive to be a brother and a son who promotes love, not anger.
Here are some suggestions to get you headed in the right direction.
The next time an argument begins to brew, regardless of whose fault you think it is, step back and take a breath. Most likely the thing that’s got you upset will be long forgotten before you know it.
Also, if you’re not fighting to be the one who makes his argument first, you will have the chance to listen to someone else. Lines of communication break down because everyone’s more concerned about their own agendas than with actually trying to find common ground. More times than not, we fight because no one can button their lips long enough to listen.
You should be quick to listen and slow to speak or to get angry. (James 1:19, CEV)
It takes a real man to realize that arguing will never resolve a conflict. This is one of the few times in life when it’s okay for you to be a slacker. When in a fight, rather than “fighting to the death,” just cut them a little slack.
As you continue to grow and mature, you’ll start developing your own convictions about your life. When you do, it’s inevitable that sometimes your beliefs will be at odds with your parents’ or siblings’. When that happens, you need to remember that God’s Word never shifts or changes. When you disagree, the best place to look for resolution is the Bible. Turning to Scripture can be a powerful lesson for both you and the rest of your family.
This one might really freak out your parents, but in a good way. Before you have another one of those wake-the-neighbors, call-in-the-reinforcements kind of arguments, approach your family about establishing a few guidelines all of you will follow the next time you find yourself in a family funk. I’ve really made this one easy for you. Below is a list of Cool Conversations Criteria that you can take to your parents. Read over it, add a few of your own if you want, and yes, you can copy them onto a different sheet of paper and really impress them with these ideas you came up with “all on your own.”
If you haven’t carried out such mature procedures in the past, you may want to ask your parents to sit down before you discuss these Cool Conversations Criteria with them. If they do happen to be standing when you present them with these criteria, allow time for them to get up off the floor before continuing the conversation. Also, be ready—there could be a momentary skip in their heart, loss of blood to their brain, or simply a shock that sends them into hysteria. Remain calm. This will pass.
Cool Conversations Criteria
In a moment of disagreement:
1. Give each person adequate time to talk.
2. When one person is talking, they must do so in a calm, reasonable tone. Otherwise, the conversation should stop until all parties have cooled off.
3. When one person is talking, the other(s) should listen without interrupting.
4. If the argument cannot be settled right then, agree to a time when all parties will reconvene to finish the conversation.
Have you ever said or done something you regretted later? If you haven’t, then you just must not be very human. When you’re willing to admit you’re wrong, you show you’re a man who’s trying to live a godly life. Numbers 5:7 says a person “must confess the sin he has committed. He must make full restitution for his wrong.”
Don’t be a fool and quickly lose your temper—be sensible and patient. (Proverbs 29:11, CEV)
This verse doesn’t say you only apologize to someone when you’ve been caught. It could be that, without their knowledge, you’ve wronged someone by disobeying them, lying to them, or keeping something from them. Your relationship with your parents and siblings will only be as strong as your willingness to maintain honesty. If you’ve wronged someone in your family, go to them and ask for their forgiveness.
Everyone’s family smells at one time or another. And I’m not only referring to when one family member has eaten a double pepperoni pizza. Sometimes family life isn’t fun. Sometimes it’s unfair. Many families suffer through divorce, abuse, addictions, anger, and abandonment.
Maybe your dad walked out on your family years ago. Or your mom cheated on your dad and no longer lives at home. Maybe one of your parents hits you. It could be that your parents put you up for adoption when you were born, and you’ve never even met them. You may have a parent who’s made it clear that they have no desire to be part of your life. These are really difficult things to handle, but you can always hold on to this promise:
Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD cares for me. (Psalm 27:10, HCSB)
You may have plenty of valid reasons to feel hurt, upset, or even ticked off at a family member. And some problems are too big to be fixed simply by implementing my suggestions. But it may also be true that your anger, no matter how justifiable it seems, is keeping you from living a full, godly life. It may be holding you back.
You’ll never have the answers to all the whys: Why did they leave me? Why didn’t they want me? Why do they hurt me? There can be so many. You can’t control what your parents have done or will do. But you can control how you choose to deal with it from this moment on.
Check out Colossians 3:13:
Put up with each other, and forgive anyone who does
you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you. (CEV)
Listen, I know this one may not be easy. And if it seems like life has dealt you a bad hand thus far, I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be upset. However, you’ll never become the man God desires if you’re harboring anger in your heart. Do you need to forgive someone? If so, take a moment and write a letter of forgiveness to them. You might never show this to them. But releasing your anger can be freeing—even if you’re only releasing it onto a piece of paper.
Dear____,
If you’re dealing with a painful situation at home, remember: your home life is no surprise to God. He knows exactly what you’re going through. And don’t forget: God never makes a mistake. He’s placed you in the family you’re in for a reason. It may seem like hell on earth to you right now, having to deal with your family issues. But don’t give up—that’s what Satan wants you to do. He worked to destroy planet earth’s first family, and he’ll work just as hard to destroy yours. Your situation may stink, but remember, everything is part of God’s great plan for you.
Romans 8:28 says, “We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (NASB).
God has created you for this moment in time. He will cause the story of your home life to help fulfill his plan for you. As God continues to mold you into the man he knows you can be, you can use the lessons learned through your family conflicts to help others through theirs.