Every guy struggles with lust. But every guy doesn’t have to lose.
still remember the day clearly. It was a Friday afternoon during my seventh-grade year. As I’m sure the case is with you every Friday, I was excited about the end of another school week. On this particular Friday, I was even more excited because after school I was going home with my best friend, Steve.
His parents were still at work when the school bus dropped us off at his house. After we’d spent time checking out his horses, his new Atari, and his go-cart, Steve told me he had something else to show me. He took me to his parents’ room, reached under their bed, and pulled out a box. Inside the box was a stack of Playboys. I’d never seen a “girlie magazine.” But I knew what was inside. For the next half hour, Steve and I gazed at images unlike anything I’d ever seen. I still remember wondering if Steve’s parents knew that he knew about the magazines. I also remember not wanting to stop looking, even though I knew I should. I had no idea that thirty-minute experience as a seventh grader would still be burned into my memory all these years later. But it is. I don’t remember much about the seventh grade, but I still remember those pictures. I can also still remember how ashamed and guilty I felt afterward.
You have heard that it was said, “Do not commit adultery.” But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27–28)
You probably remember that verse from the last chapter. And you probably remember that Jesus said it. The woman he’s talking about doesn’t have to be a live woman—she can be in a picture, in a video, or on your computer screen. I felt guilt and shame that day in seventh grade because I had a serious encounter with lust (and with simply doing what I knew I shouldn’t). Lust is powerful—and dangerous. Lust is why Playboy exists.
But these days you don’t have to look under any beds to find lust-worthy stuff. It’s everywhere. You can see about as much skin as I saw that day just by flipping through Maxim or walking past Abercrombie & Fitch or Victoria’s Secret. (By the way, have you ever wondered why the name is Victoria’s Secret? It’s definitely no secret what “Victoria” is all about.) Billboards, commercials, music videos—you don’t have to look far to find stuff that’s just barely this side of pornographic. And then of course you’ve got the real stuff—the magazines and movies and Internet sites that are completely, 100 percent pornographic. But whether it’s the stuff anyone can get their hands on or the contraband you have to be eighteen to buy, all of it can knock you off the path God wants you to be on.
By definition, the word pornography isn’t only about nudity. It’s about causing sexual arousal. It’s about making you have feelings and do things that should be shared with your future wife. You may think you’re “just looking,” but those images are setting off lust explosions in your brain. And many times that leads to something you’d probably rather not discuss—masturbation.
There’ve been countless books, blogs, and articles written about whether or not masturbation is wrong. Rather than asking if the act is right or wrong, the more important question is, “Is it pure?” I’ve never talked to a guy your age struggling with masturbation who said he didn’t also fantasize about a girl while doing it. I’m pretty sure you also know that lustful thoughts and masturbation are not sold separately. And since fantasizing and lusting are impure acts—sin—then masturbation is stamped with the same label.
Acting out your lust may seem satisfying in the moment. And these days, guys joke with each other about stealing their sisters’ magazines and using them as “inspiration,” like it’s no big deal. Masturbation and teen boys seem to go hand in hand—we think that’s simply what guys that age do. But don’t fool yourself. The purity we talked about in the last chapter isn’t just about keeping your hands off girls. It’s about trying to keep your mind off them too. Because, if you’re not careful, lust will prevent you from becoming the man God is making you to be.
• That it satisfies.
• That it gives you a glimpse of what sex will be like in marriage.
• That it fulfills sexual fantasies.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)
1. Lust can’t be avoided.
Reese was an eighteen-year-old counselor at a camp where I spoke one summer. He was an exceptional leader and a great role model to the campers, and he could play a mean guitar. During the two weeks at camp, I spent a lot of time with Reese and was impressed by him in a lot of ways. One night, during worship, Reese asked me to pray for him. He admitted he had an addiction to porn. He’d accidentally stumbled upon a porn site on the Internet, and one look was all it took to get him hooked. Reese was a great guy who was striving to live for Jesus, but he’d made a costly mistake.
Many guys I’ve counseled who are controlled by their lust, or even the ones who just slip up occasionally, didn’t initially go searching for pictures of naked girls or whatever else turned them on. That stuff found them. At some point, it’ll find you too. The question is, will you be prepared to handle it?
2. Lust never satisfies.
Since the first sin in the Garden of Eden, taking a bite of the “fresh and delicious” has been tempting. But the problem with lust is it never satisfies the hunger. It’ll always leave you wanting more, and more, and more. And what may initially seem like an innocent bite can quickly turn into a harmful habit or a dark addiction.
3. Lust infects your mind’s hard drive.
“The hardest part about not looking at porn anymore is the pictures in my mind. I can still see those pictures!” When I read this e-mail from Chad, I knew exactly what he meant. When you look at porn—or any kind of sexually arousing stuff—you’re actually downloading images into your mind’s hard drive that will be extremely difficult to delete. That’s why just one look can be so dangerous. You may only look at those pictures one time, but they’ll stay with you—and continue to tempt you—for much, much longer.
The more time you spend “taking care of your own needs,” the more your view of girls will change. Eventually, you won’t be able to see girls as God sees them. Instead they’ll just be objects there to fulfill your desires. And the more distorted your view of girls gets, the less respect you’ll have for them. A disrespectful guy who treats girls like objects may be the norm in the media these days, but those aren’t the qualities that win over nice girls. And they’re definitely not the qualities God created you to have.
5. Lust encourages you to give life to your cybergirl.
Looking at a cybergirl, and maybe doing more than just looking at her, will eventually become old school. When the online fantasy no longer satisfies, that fantasy will fight to make itself reality by enticing you to bring the pornographic images to life with a real girl.
6. Lust destroys relationships.
Porn and masturbation will create a fantasy world in your mind that just can’t exist in the real world. It’s impossible. Those things are clearly aimed at satisfying your own selfish desires. In reality, relationships take two, but in your lust-driven fantasy, it’s all about you. The more time you spend in your alternate reality, the more you’ll destroy the basic character traits needed in any healthy relationship, like sharing, trust, honesty, and faithfulness. If you don’t develop these characteristics, your selfishness will keep you from finding the happiness God wants for you.
7. Lust destroys your character.
As you dive deeper into the world of self-gratification, your character will be destroyed. Galatians 6:7–8 says, “A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction.” You’re really being fooled if you think you can casually dabble in porn and masturbation and also live the life God would have you live. We’ve talked a lot about showing God to people when they’re watching. But you should also be God’s mirror even when no one’s watching. If you don’t, your character will become more worldly than godly. Make no mistake, if you let Satan into one part of your life, pretty soon he’ll be on his way to taking over all of it.
Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.…
Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
(Proverbs 4:23, 25–27)
If you’re struggling with lust, you’re not alone. And if it’s not a problem for you right now, you need to make sure it’ll never be. Every man, at some point in his life, will have to fight incredibly hard against sexual temptation. The ones who overcome it are the ones who are man enough to first admit that they have a problem and then get serious about defeating it.
So the choice is yours. What will you do when temptation overtakes you? Will you:
• choose to do nothing?
• assume it’ll never find you?
• think it’s no big deal?
• sit idly and hope for the best?
Guarding your heart is a big responsibility. You have to be proactive. Here are some suggestions that will help you win the struggle with lust, now … and later.
1. Make a choice.
Choosing a life of purity is the first step. You’ve got to decide that you don’t want to live under the guilt that lust creates and choose to get serious about defeating it.
2. Protect your mind’s eye.
The struggle with lust doesn’t begin in your pants. It begins in your mind. Don’t look at porn or read magazines, listen to music, or watch any TV show that might send impure thoughts racing through your brain.
So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet. (James 4:7–10, MSG)
But let God change the way you think. Then you will know how to do everything that is good and pleasing to him. (Romans 12:2, CEV)
3. Know what you can’t do.
We’ve talked about knowing your edge when it comes to sex. The same goes for lust. Different people have different things that flip that “dirty” switch in their minds. Maybe using the Internet late at night while your parents are asleep tempts you to just glance at a Web site you shouldn’t. Or it could be something a lot simpler, like watching a movie or thinking about a girl at school you really like. Or even something that seems sort of dumb when you think about it, like staying in the shower too long or looking at a girl’s feet (don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about your foot fetish). Only you know what gets you going, and only you know where to draw the line.
Make a list of all the things that tempt you, and then be determined to avoid these things:
Have a plan of action that you’ll use when you’re tempted. Again, winning the war with porn and masturbation is all about winning the war in your mind. The key is to get your mind on something else.
Look back at your list of temptations from number 3. What will be your way out if you’re confronted with any of them?
A guy I counseled told me what helped him get his mind off his lustful thoughts:
I used to feel tempted to look at porn at night in my bedroom when I used the Internet. So I started watching TV in my bed at night rather than getting online. TV took my mind off of it and helped me avoid feeling tempted.
Here are some other escape tactics you might use:
• Turn on the radio to get your mind off what you know you shouldn’t do.
• Wear a bunch of layers of clothes to bed. Yeah, this sounds really silly. But think about it—when tempted, if you have to remove four different layers of pants, by the time you take them all off, you’ll have had time to stop and think about what you’re doing and hopefully talk yourself out of it.
• If you’re in bed thinking some impure thoughts about that girl in algebra class, get out of bed and turn on the lights.
• Go for a run.
• Call a friend.
• Open your Bible and read a chapter or two.
• Give the dog a bath. (Hey, if that doesn’t put you completely out of the mood, I don’t know what will.)
5. Arm yourself with Scripture.
I know you’re probably thinking, Sure, Jeffrey … I’m going to actually recite a verse while I’m thinking about masturbating! It may sound ludicrous. But check out Psalm 119:9, 11: “Young people can live a clean life by obeying your word.… I treasure your word above all else; it keeps me from sinning against you” (CEV). Find a scripture that works for you, memorize it, and repeat it out loud whenever you feel tempted.
6. Set a goal.
Set a realistic goal that you can work toward. For instance, try not to masturbate or look at porn for one week. After reaching the goal, reward yourself with your favorite meal, a movie, or an iTunes purchase. Then go for two weeks, a month, two months. After you make it to your early, shorter goals, the longer ones will seem a little easier to reach.
Christ gives me the strength to face anything. (Philippians 4:13, CEV)
7. Strive for purity.
If you want to become a man more in tune with God, you can’t do it if you’re consistently focusing on an impure thought. Whether it’s masturbation, lying, or cheating, you should want to strive to be a man of purity who honors God in every area of his life.
Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (James 1:14–15)
Pray that God will give you the desire to become a man of purity, not just on the outside, but in your heart and mind too. When you do fail, ask God to give you strength to move forward rather than looking back.
8. Hold yourself accountable.
I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. (Job 31:1)
If you’ve got a problem with lust, you probably feel guilty, embarrassed, and maybe even helpless. But remember, you’re not alone. Every guy will fight against lust of one form or another. Rather than making excuses like a lot of people do, choose to take action. One way to do this is to find a friend or adult you can talk to openly about your feelings, frustrations, temptations, and setbacks.
One teen recently wrote me that he had put this step to practice. He said, “I found an accountability partner, just like you suggested during your message. At first I was nervous about sharing my personal stuff with someone. But it felt so good just to come clean with a friend who understands what I’m going through. We really have become close through it all and now hold each other to the fire when it comes to girls, porn, and all the physical temptations.”
You can do this too. As you strive to make a commitment like the one in Job 31, share it with someone you trust who’ll hold you accountable by asking you the tough questions about your private life. Commit to check in with this person consistently. Also, spend time praying together.
The proof is in the verse: you must do your part in the fight against lust.
9. Don’t give up.
We must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially the sin that just won’t let go. And we must be determined to run the race that is ahead of us. We must keep our eyes on Jesus, who leads us and makes our faith complete. (Hebrews 12:1–2, CEV)
If you’re struggling with lust, the problem didn’t just appear overnight, and you most likely won’t get rid of it overnight either. Work hard every day to do these steps I’ve given you. But don’t kick yourself when you give in to temptation. Remember, the race you’re running isn’t a hundred-yard dash—it’s a marathon. There’ll be times when you fail. But don’t use this as an excuse to give up. Rather, use it as a reminder that you’ve got to rely on God to help you overcome this or any other problem you have.