It is probably true that Irish people’s innate ability to drive a car is no worse or better than that of most nationalities. Where we differ is that in Ireland, traditionally, crap drivers have been allowed to get away with all kinds of shite, and so our forefathers’ lousy habits have been passed on from generation to generation. So, like our freedom to vote and to have basic healthcare, we regard it as a sacred right to drive like psychos, simpletons or arrogant geebags.
Where we excel in our incompetence is on the motorway. These great national thoroughfares have only really been around a couple of decades in Ireland, so we haven’t quite gotten the hang of them yet. It is quite common to see complete morons stopping in the hard shoulder and then opening their door out into the left lane and clambering out to have a stretch. Every now and again the sap is stretched alright – along 100m of tarmac, having being splattered by a passing juggernaut.
Then there’s the popular Irish game of motorway hopscotch. This involves two eejits overtaking each other repeatedly to show what cool dudes they are. It’s a bit like cock-fighting but without the benefit of the cock’s walnut-sized brain.
There is also one concept that the Celtic brain seems incapable of grasping – the overtaking lane. It seems simple enough on paper. The lane on the left is for driving and the lane on the right is for overtaking only. Yes, this will come as a shock to most Irish people. Overtaking only. Not for driving. Not for listening to Ian Dempsey or Newstalk Sport. Not for looking at the scenery. Not for preventing other drivers from overtaking. Not for having a fag while you sing along badly to Stairway to Heaven. It’s for overtaking! Pull out. Overtake. Pull back in. That’s all there is to it. The key phrase being ‘Pull back in’. Arrrrgggghhh!
And, while we’re on the subject, overtaking via the hard shoulder is another favourite in Ireland. These overtakers often end up in the hands of undertakers.
Then there’s the safe driving distance. Internationally, the three-second rule is used to gauge a safe distance, that is, it should take you a minimum of three seconds to traverse the distance to the car in front of you. In Ireland, this is known as the tenth-of-a-second rule, as a great number of gobshites, whether on motorways or elsewhere, seem to believe they can safely stop, even if they are so close to your car they can see a bleedin’ pimple on the back of your neck.
These are just a handful of the highlights. So remember this the next time you take to the highways – it takes nearly 10,000 bolts to assemble a car, but just one feckin’ nut to spread it all over the road.