The first thing Irish cyclists will do when there’s any complaint about their behaviour is to go on a rant about how crap Irish motorists are. But as there’s already a piece about our brutal driving in this book, tough shit, it’s your turn, Mr or Ms Cyclist.
Irish cyclists are almost immune to all forms of legislation. That fact is based on the number of cycling offences committed annually versus the number of prosecutions, which is roughly in the ratio of 56 trillion to one. This perceived legal immunity gives cyclists the sense that that are also immune to the impact of trucks, cars and pedestrians.
For non-cyclists or anyone thinking of taking it up, here’s a brief guide to Irish cyclists’ understanding of various cycling/motoring terminology.
Red light: A district where hookers ply their trade.
Lamps: Things with shades that sit on your coffee table.
Reflector: Fancy word for a mirror.
Cycle lane: Footpath.
Stop sign: No such thing.
Hand signal: Something deaf people use.
Bell: A yoke in a church steeple.
Pedestrian: A target.
High-vis clothing: A T-shirt that reads ‘Beans Meanz Fartz.’
Helmet: A German boy’s name?
Drunk cycling: A means of sobering up after the pub.
One-way street: Two-way street.
Motorist: The Prince of Darkness.
