Dammit.” Sasha dropped the bag of sandwiches on the van’s back seat and slid her ringing phone out of her jeans pocket. She was starting to wonder how many phone calls it would take for the damn thing to run out of battery and give her some peace.
Trevor had called a few minutes ago with what he’d found out from the motel clerk. Cynthia hadn’t been in her room when the clerk poked his head in, but she wasn’t half dead in the bathroom, either. One less thing to worry about. Theoretically.
Sasha wasn’t optimistic enough to expect this latest call to be her mom, but she was still startled to see Nova’s name on the screen. She’d been so caught up with everything else, she’d barely remembered their first practice of the season was on Monday.
She hesitated for a moment with her thumb over the reject button. But knowing Nova, she’d call again in a few minutes. Likely after Sasha was upstairs with the Hans. At least Sasha was on her own at the moment. It was as good a time as any.
Perching on the carpeted edge of the van, she answered the phone. “Hey, Nova. What’s up?”
“Okay,” Nova said breathlessly, “so I don’t know if you noticed how gorgeous the weather is today, but I was talking to some of the girls and we all thought it was perfect weather for a little preseason pickup game. You in?”
“I . . . can’t. Today,” Sasha said, pulling at her ponytail. “You guys have fun without me.”
“What, seriously?” Nova complained. “You can’t be so behind on assignments you can’t take an hour or two to milk this sunshine while it lasts.”
Sasha’s mouth twitched into a smile as she watched the thin cover of clouds gliding over Charlotte. Part of her wished she could take Nova up on the plan. Nothing helped her focus as much as getting out on the field. And boy, could she do with a dose of focus today. “Sorry. Maybe next time.”
“Ugh. Fine. But you’re missing out.”
“I know it,” Sasha said. “You kick some ass for me, okay?”
“Yeah, whatever. Hey, listen,” Nova added, perking up again. “I did some research and found a few gay bars in the neighborhood that seem promising. Relatively low-key and casual, which I know is the only way to get you into a bar anyway. What do you say we meet up tonight and hit the town?”
“Oh. Right.” She’d forgotten about the meeting-people plan. She didn’t want to explain to Nova that she physically couldn’t go because she was in North Carolina playing the hero. For the woman Nova’s plan was supposed to get Sasha over, no less. “About that . . .”
“Don’t tell me you’re backing out, Deforest.”
“It’s not a good weekend for it. I’ve got all this stuff to take care of before Monday, and I’m just . . . I can’t.” She sounded cagey as hell, but she couldn’t come up with a decent lie right now. She didn’t want to hear Nova’s opinion on exactly how stupid and hopeless this entire rescue-Kinsey idea was. “Maybe we should just forget about it.”
“What happened?” Nova asked, her tone darkening. “Did Kinsey say something to you?”
“What? No.”
“She did, didn’t she? She said something to make you feel like you’re not allowed to meet a nice girl and move on with your life.”
“No, just—You know what?” Sasha could hear the edge in her voice, but couldn’t seem to dull it down. “Can we let this drop, please? I hate bars, and I hate picking people up, and it’s just . . . it wouldn’t work.”
“It’s better than letting her walk all over you, isn’t it? It’s not fair of her to keep you on the hook like this. It’s not good for you.”
“And jumping in bed with a frigging stranger would cure me, right?”
“Yikes,” Nova muttered. “No one’s forcing you to sleep with anyone you don’t want to. I’m just trying to help.”
Sasha took a breath of damp, cold air through her nose. Walls. She used to have them. Where had they run off to? “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I’d just . . . I’d rather figure it out myself. Without forcing it.”
“Well, okay, but—”
“Drop it, Nova,” Sasha said, more harshly than she intended. She flinched and rubbed her forehead. “Sorry. I didn’t mean . . . I just—I gotta go, okay? Talk to you later.”
“Yeah,” Nova said, sounding confused. “See you.”
Sasha sat there for a few moments longer, fighting to find her center. She was usually better at keeping her feelings under control.
It had been a while since she’d had to deal with one of Cynthia’s breakdowns, though. She was out of practice—whatever skill she had handling her mom was weak from disuse.
But she’d managed before. No reason she couldn’t now. Her mom might be temporarily MIA, but she would come back to the hotel room or turn on her phone eventually. If Cynthia needed something—and she was bound to need something—Sasha would be the first person she’d try.
It couldn’t be that much harder to support Kinsey while she waited for her mom to check in. Even if the Han-family-being-adorable thing kept pinching at her heart, leaving painful little bruises that only hurt more as the day went on.
They just loved each other so much. All three of them. You only had to look at them together and you could tell.
Sasha never had that. Even when Cynthia went on one of her good-mom kicks, Sasha was always bracing for the inevitable crash. And the few times she’d lived with her gran, there had been that constant feeling she could never quite make up for being Cynthia’s daughter. Soccer had given her a team to belong to, but it wasn’t the same thing as knowing where you fit in your own family. Knowing you had people who’d love you whether or not you made the next goal. Who’d love you even if you broke down every now and then.
She shook out her shoulders, blowing out a heavy breath. Breaking down wasn’t an option. It wouldn’t make her mom answer the phone and it wouldn’t make Sasha feel any better. She couldn’t fall apart. She wouldn’t. She was stronger than that.
“Come on, Deforest,” Sasha muttered, retying her ponytail. She snatched up the bag of sandwiches and hauled the van’s side door shut behind her. “Keep it together.”
BY THE TIME SHE MADE it back to Mrs. Han’s room, Sasha had managed to pack most of her unwieldy feelings behind a smile. She’d even mentally set aside a few anecdotes that wouldn’t come back to bite her later, in case she needed a quick deflection. No one would have to know how much she was struggling. Or how hard it was to be on the fringes of such a tight family.
But she caught Kinsey giving her an odd look as Sasha picked at some lettuce in what was left of her sandwich. Which meant she hadn’t packed her feelings away as neatly as she’d thought.
Might be time for a run. It wouldn’t be as good for her focus as the pickup game would’ve been, but the rhythm usually leveled her out. Gave her a chance to pull herself together.
She rolled the last of her sandwich in its paper wrapper and stood up, grabbing her keys and wallet. “Listen, I think I’m going to take off for a little bit. Get out of your hair. You can call me if you need anything.”
“Why don’t you take Kinsey with you?” Mrs. Han asked, before Sasha could flee. “You can keep each other company.”
Kinsey choked on a potato chip and threw her mom a glare. Mrs. Han sat forward and serenely thumped her back.
Sasha felt her ears warming. “I don’t—I thought maybe you’d like to have some time to yourselves,” she started, rubbing the back of her neck as she edged toward the door. “I can just take myself out of the way. I don’t mind.”
“You’re not in the way at all,” Mrs. Han said, smiling warmly. It was impossible for her not to notice Kinsey’s glare and Sasha’s growing embarrassment, but she was doing an excellent job of ignoring both. “But since you’re going out anyway, you’ll do me a favor if you make sure this one here”—she poked Kinsey’s wrist—“can’t fret over whether my sheets are soft enough for the next two hours. I get enough of that from this one,” she said, patting Mr. Han’s hand.
“We love you, too,” Mr. Han said dryly.
“Um—” Sasha exchanged a glance with Kinsey, part help!, part what do you want to do?
“Mom,” Kinsey protested, finally recovering from her coughing fit. “Sasha’s probably sick of us and is just too polite to say so. She doesn’t want me to come.”
“I didn’t say that.” The words were out of her mouth before Sasha knew she was going to say them. Her ears burned when all three Hans stared at her. “I mean, I’m not—I’m not sick of any of you. I’m just . . . I know I’m not family, so—”
“Nonsense,” Mr. Han said, with a frown that was nearly identical to Kinsey’s supportive lecture time frown. “If being a good friend to our only daughter for the last year wasn’t enough to qualify you for family status, getting her down here on a moment’s notice cinched it.”
“Well put,” Mrs. Han agreed.
“I—Oh,” Sasha said, touched and confused and wary all at once. She didn’t know what else to say. She didn’t want to let the words sink in for fear she’d start blubbering in front of all of them.
Mrs. Han didn’t give the pause time to turn awkward. She turned to Kinsey with her eyebrows raised expectantly. “Now do you have an actually good excuse not to go, or will you leave your father and me to watch Forensic Files in peace?”
A strange look crossed Kinsey’s face as she stared at her mom. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”
“The doctors assure me I’m in no danger of dropping dead anytime soon,” Mrs. Han said, prodding Kinsey out of her seat. “Even if I was, I’ve got your dad here to perform CPR as needed.”
Kinsey frowned as she stood. “That’s not funny, Mom.”
“Off you go,” Mrs. Han said brightly, waving Kinsey toward the door.
“Have fun, girls,” Mr. Han added.
Sasha smiled at the familiar, affectionate joking, pushing down the faint sense of longing she didn’t know what to do with. She slung her bag over her shoulder while a glowering Kinsey collected her things, then led her down the hall to the elevators.
“I can drop you at the hotel for a while,” Sasha said as she hit the down button. “We don’t have to hang out if you don’t want to.”
“Who said I didn’t want to hang out?” Kinsey asked, crossing her arms and scowling back down the corridor.
“Yeah, no, you’re right. I don’t know how I missed such a blatant display of enthusiasm.” Sasha grinned when Kinsey’s scowl turned her way. “I like your parents. They’re kind of great.”
“I think they like you too.” Kinsey sounded baffled.
“Hey, people like me,” Sasha said, with mock defensiveness. “I’m very charming.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Kinsey said, glancing at Sasha with what looked like genuine remorse.
Which was weird. Sasha had been expecting her to take the opening and poke fun at her. She felt odd. Like she’d stepped off a curb she hadn’t realized was there.
The elevator doors opened before Sasha could figure out how to respond, and the cluster of nurses and another trio of visitors inside prevented any further conversation until they were outside in the brisk February air, walking toward the van.
“So where were you going before my mom made you drag me along?” Kinsey asked.
Ah. Hitting up the nearest park for a long run wasn’t Kinsey’s kind of afternoon. And she looked like she needed something fun to do, to take her mind off her mom’s health for a little bit.
It took only a second for Sasha to hit on an idea she thought would do the trick of distracting both of them. “Doesn’t matter,” she said, twirling her keys around a finger. “We’re doing something better now.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means it’s a surprise.”
“Sasha. Just tell me. I hate surprises.”
Sasha grinned as she unlocked her van. “Relax, babe. I got this.”