Theophrastus
Translated by James Diggle, 2004
Theophrastus (371 BC–c. 287 BC) was born on Lesbos and succeeded Aristotle as head of the Lyceum – the Peripatetic school of philosophy. His book of Characters consists of a series of pen portraits of human character types. Whilst capturing the realities of ancient Athens, Theophrastus’ caricatures are truly timeless. Who hasn’t encountered a Shabby Profiteer or Tactless Man? Here are three of his most dynamic and familiar personalities.
[Petty Ambition would seem to be a mean desire for prestige.]
The Man of Petty Ambition is the kind who, when he gets an invitation to dinner, is eager to sit next to the host. He takes his son to Delphi to have his hair cut. He goes to the trouble of acquiring an Aethiopian attendant. When he pays back a mina of silver he pays it back in new coin. He is apt to buy a little ladder for his domestic jackdaw and make a little bronze shield for it to carry when it hops onto the ladder. When he has sacrificed an ox he nails up the skull opposite the entrance to his house and fastens long ribbons around it, so that his visitors can see that he has sacrificed an ox. After parading with the cavalry he gives his slave the rest of his equipment to take home, then throws back his cloak and strolls through the marketplace in his spurs. On the death of his Maltese dog he builds a funeral monument and sets up a little slab with the inscription ‘** from Malta’. He dedicates a bronze finger in the sanctuary of Asclepius and does not let a day pass without polishing, garlanding and oiling it. And you can be sure that he will arrange with the executive committee of the Council that he should be the one to make the public report on the conduct of religious business, and will step forward wearing a smart white cloak, with a crown on his head, and say ‘Men of Athens, my colleagues and I celebrated the Milk-Feast with sacrifices to the Mother of the Gods. The sacrifices were propitious. We beg you to accept your blessings.’ After making this report he goes home and tells his wife that he had an extremely successful day.
[Shabby profiteering is desire for shabby profit.]
The Shabby Profiteer is the kind who does not provide enough bread when he entertains. He borrows money from a visitor who is staying with him. When he is serving out helpings he says that it is right and proper that the server should be given a double helping and so he proceeds to give himself one. When he has wine for sale he sells it to a friend watered down. He takes his sons to the theatre only when there is free admission. When he goes abroad on public service he leaves his official travel allowance at home and borrows from the other delegates, loads his attendant with more baggage than he can carry and provides him with shorter rations than anyone else, and asks for his share of the presents and then sells them. When he is oiling himself in the baths he says to his slave ‘The oil you bought is rancid’ and he uses someone else’s. If his slaves find a few coppers in the street he is liable to demand a portion of them, saying ‘Fair shares for all’. He takes his cloak to the cleaner’s and borrows one from an acquaintance and puts off returning it for several days until it is demanded back. [And the like.] He measures out the rations for the household in person, using a measuring jar set to the old Pheidonian standard, that has had its bottom dinted inwards, and rigorously levels off the top. ******************. And you can be sure that when he repays a debt of thirty minae he pays it back four drachmas short. When his sons do not attend school for the full month because of illness he deducts a proportion of the fees, and he does not send them for lessons during Anthesterion, to avoid the expense, because there are so many shows. When he collects his share of a slave’s earnings he charges him for the cost of exchanging the copper coin; and when he gets an account from < >. When he entertains members of his phratry he asks for food for his slaves from the communal meal, but he has an inventory made of the radish-halves left over from the table, so that the slaves waiting at the table won’t get them. When he is abroad with acquaintances he uses their slaves and lets his own slave out for hire and doesn’t put the proceeds towards the joint account. And, needless to say, when the dining club meets at his house he charges for the firewood, beans, vinegar, salt and lamp-oil that he is providing. When a friend is getting married or marrying off a daughter he leaves town some time before, so that he won’t have to send a present. And he borrows from acquaintances the kinds of thing which nobody would demand back or be in a hurry to take back if offered.
[Tactlessness is choosing a time which annoys the people one meets.]
The Tactless Man is the kind who comes for a discussion when you are busy. He serenades his girlfriend when she is feverish. He approaches a man who has just forfeited a security deposit and asks him to stand bail. He arrives to give evidence after a case is closed. As a guest at a wedding he delivers a tirade against the female sex. When you have just returned home after a long journey he invites you to go for a walk. He is liable to bring along a higher bidder when you have already completed a sale. When the audience has taken the point he gets up to explain it all over again. He will enthusiastically try to secure what you don’t want but haven’t the heart to refuse. When people are engaged in a sacrifice and inclining heavy expense he arrives with a request for payment of interest. He stands watching while a slave is being whipped and announces that a boy of his own once hanged himself after such a beating. When he assists at an arbitration he puts the parties at loggerheads, though they are both eager for a reconciliation. When he wants to dance he takes hold of a partner who is still sober.