HAVE A LONELINESS GAME PLAN

EVERYBODY GETS LONELY sometimes. Whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, married, single, old, or young—it’s just one of those annoyingly inevitable parts of life. Aside from the fact that feeling blue is unpleasant, it can also trigger some unhelpful coping mechanisms that can tear down our self-esteem and undermine any progress we’ve made toward our health and wellness goals. Eating to combat loneliness—especially eating unhealthy “comfort foods”—is very common; so is drinking. Some other examples of when a comforting activity can become a problem: binge-watching TV, playing video games, or gambling to the point where other things in your life slide.

As I wrote about earlier in the book, shopping is one I know I have to be careful not to turn to when I’m feeling lonely. That’s why when my clients talk about raiding the vending machine or hitting up the candy aisle at the drugstore when they’re feeling blue, I totally get it! We all have our thing.

Most of the time, feelings of loneliness pass quickly, but if yours become overwhelming or don’t lift after a few days, or if you find yourself feeling hopeless, losing interest in things you once loved, or experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help from a therapist or doctor.

Having a game plan can help you get through these times without mindlessly falling back on unhelpful or self-destructive behaviors. Try these:

• Know your triggers. Get real with yourself about situations when you tend to feel lonely and about how you cope. Some of your coping mechanisms might be healthy (hitting the gym, texting a supportive friend), others aren’t. Resist the urge to judge or criticize yourself. Just take note.

• Make a list of things to do when you feel lonely. Once you’ve identified your triggers, come up with some alternatives. If you’ve noticed, for example, that Wednesday evenings are tough for you, book a weekly workout class, manicure, or other self-care practice to do something nice for yourself. If you feel especially lonely or depressed when your partner travels for work, make a date with friends to catch up while he or she is away.

What’s key about your loneliness game plan is that it needs to include activities that you actually enjoy doing (though be mindful not to make destructive choices). Don’t make a list of things you think you “should” do. If cleaning when you feel down genuinely makes you feel better, awesome! But if you put “clean/organize” on the list because you’re like, “I may as well do something useful if nobody wants to hang out with me,” that’s just going to perpetuate a self-loathing mind-set.

• Be kind to yourself. Changing habits is a process. It’s worth noting that emotionally challenging situations can also make it harder for us to stay motivated, so if it takes some time for you to get on track with responding to loneliness constructively, that’s okay. Acknowledge where you slipped up and use that information to take a better course of action next time.

What About When You Need to Grow Your Network?

If feeling like you don’t have a strong network contributes to your loneliness, the good news is that it’s possible to find people you connect with—yes, even as an adult.

Business coach Emily Merrell, who is the founder and chief networking officer at Six Degrees Society, used her own childhood experience of frequently changing schools as inspiration for creating a company that, as she describes it, serves as “a place where individuals could come together from all industries, all backgrounds, and show up as who they are—unapologetically. Nothing makes me happier than connecting people who could mutually make each other’s lives more enjoyable.”

Talking about her childhood schools, she explains that, “The common denominator was that there was always that girl at the lunch table. You know that girl, the girl that is nice and makes an effort and takes you under her wing. She’s the girl you’re looking for when entering a new cafeteria, she’s the one that waves you over or asks you to come over to a sleepover. She’s that person that makes each day more exciting and less nervous.”

Fast forward to today, says Merrell, “I’m that girl at the lunch table. I never want someone to feel the way you do on the first day at a new school at networking events. That’s why I created my networking organization, Six Degrees Society.”

Loneliness, she explains, is a huge problem she’s trying to help solve. We’re so connected and plugged in via technology “that we forget how to be alone with ourselves.” What happens then is that “we start craving this external need for attention and stimulus, but we really struggle with just being.” This struggle with not knowing how to enjoy our own company contributes to feeling lonely, and it’s made worse, she adds, by the fear of missing out (FOMO), the comparison game, and the craving for attention and validation that social media triggers. “We need to re-teach being present,” she adds, and expressing our feelings to each other.

When you move to a new city, change jobs, or when a close friend or family member moves away, these are all times you’re especially vulnerable to loneliness and may benefit from going to events to help you connect with new people and expand your personal and professional network. “I believe that it’s super important to build your network when you aren’t looking and tap it when you do.”

Don’t overlook connections you might make in line at a coffee shop or a fitness class. I met some of my closest friends waiting for the bathroom at workshops or connecting with classmates outside the fitness studio! Networking events have also been places where I’ve first met people who later became true friends. You just never know whom you might meet! You can also go to a structured event. Here are some of Merrell’s tips for getting the most out of your networking efforts.

Show Up with an Open Mind

“Start with being open-minded and come from a place of openness,” says Merrell. It can be hard to shelve expectations, but if you show up thinking you know what’s going to happen, you might miss out on a great opportunity that wasn’t on your radar.

Go to Events Where You’ll Meet People You’d Like to Know

“Sign up for activities where you think you’d meet individuals that might convert into friendships.” If you’re interested in particular topics or activities and want to meet other people who enjoy those things, sign up for events centered around those things. Merrell adds, it can also help to have future events in mind if you want to ask someone to join you, so you don’t feel like you’re awkwardly asking, “Do you want to be friends with me?”

Go It Alone

“Don’t talk yourself out of going to an event,” says Merrell, because you don’t have someone to go with. In fact, if you go by yourself, “you’re more likely to meet people and genuinely connect with other attendees.” Even if you’re an introvert and this feels absolutely impossible, it’s worth giving it a try.

Make the First Move

It can feel awkward, but be the one to say hi and introduce yourself. The other person will appreciate it so much—and it’s a hell of a lot less awkward than just standing there making half-assed attempts at eye contact with other people. Just talk! At first it may feel uncomfortable, but over time, it gets easier, promise.