A cooperative household is a home. As in a healthy family, there must be some non-negotiable expectations, such as being safe from physical and emotional harm. In this chapter, we offer some “tough love” messages for you, if you are considering cohouseholding.
In our case, we happen to have a lot in common in many essential ways, including religious beliefs, race, politics, same generation, same basic lifestyle, and even musical preferences. We can’t know to what extent greater differences would have created stressful challenges.
Before you become involved in joint householding, we ask you to consider potentially difficult situations, in which different opinions, backgrounds or lifestyles could create tension for you.
Religious differences should be discussed, especially if one of you is particularly passionate about your beliefs. For example:
•Christians, Jews, and African-Americans who celebrate Kwanzaa: How will you handle the traditional holidays at the end of the year?
•Muslims and Buddhists: How will you find a way to comfortably pray or meditate daily in a mixed-religion household?
•Religious proselytizers: Will you seek to convert the others?
•Nonreligious: How will you react to others’ religious practices, beliefs and talk?
Similarly, differing political views can quickly polarize relationships and result in disagreements that extend into other aspects of living together. How would you feel if one of your housemates placed a political sign on the lawn without your agreement? Can you imagine a battlefield yard filled with competing political signs?
An overlapping circle of friends, in addition to separate friendship circles, has made socializing easier than it might have been if we had three completely different groups to accommodate at parties or gatherings. On the other hand, our total number of friends and acquaintances is pretty large, because we participate in a number of different activities and associations. As a result, we have a constant stream of visitors and social obligations.
Our first lesson regarding friendship circles came when we drew up the invitation list for the open house right after we moved in. We expected the combined list to be about 50 people. Imagine our shock when we realized that we had verbally invited over 100 people even before we had made the list.
A warm and welcoming place for family and friends.
Consider whether you and potential housemates have compatible social life needs and comfort levels about having people in your home.
Since the three of us have entirely different schedules and all still work full time, each of us has the house to herself occasionally, adding to the sense of privacy and independence. If you and your prospective housemates all have the same schedule, you may want to consider whether too much togetherness might become an issue. Be sure to think about how much space you need, and how much “alone time.”
Pets, allergens, odors, colors, patterns, decorating preferences, cleanliness, neatness, noise level, taste in music, house temperature, personal hygiene, substance use, and gun ownership are among the many factors that affect your comfort.
Which ones are important to you and to your prospective housemates? What other strong views and preferences will come into play? How compatible are you?
Don’t Go ThereHere is a list of deal-breakers – circumstances that we believe should prompt you to stop any work you are doing on a cooperative household. If any of these situations applies to you, or to anyone with whom you may want to share a house, then run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction.
•Substance abuse/addiction (alcohol, illegal drugs, food, gambling, compulsive shopping, sexual addiction).
•Uncontrolled medical condition.
•Financial instability/irresponsibility.
•Unmanageable significant other (ex-spouse, child, other).
•History of violent behavior.
•Serious legal problems.
•You view this person as someone who needs your help.
•You view this person as someone who can save you from your situation.
This list might seem harsh. But a cooperative household, as we envision it, is not the place for giving or receiving therapy for psychological problems, for recovery from substance abuse, or to regain financial or personal stability.
Under the right circumstances, cooperative householding offers a fabulous opportunity for reasonably mature, stable, independent adults to share community, resources, space, responsibilities, fellowship, and maybe even a feisty old cat.
