TIME seemed to have leaped past in the few hours since she’d passed out with Saul wrapped around her. Caera didn’t know how much time, but seeing as the sun shining through the chink in the curtains was strong and warm, she presumed it was at least midday.
She stretched languidly and moaned with the intensity of sensation coursing through her body. Her well-pleasured and fabulously satisfied body. Part discomfort, she decided as she stretched again, and part…almost-orgasm.
The space beside her was empty with the vaguest hint of warmth. Saul had been there but must have left at least twenty minutes before she’d opened her eyes to the new day, new Caera.
She smiled and shifted to sit on the side of the bed. There was something different inside her—a light, a glow, a feeling of…normalcy. Something she’d never felt before and yet was so uplifting she found herself wanting to frolic outside in the woods like a naked nymph, singing to the tweeting birds and quiet wildlife like some crazed Snow White.
Standing and walking posed a whole range of issues. Muscles twanged and popped from her thighs to her feet, while the rest of her body ached. Between her legs, embers banked and glowed.
Saul really knew how to give a body a workout, she mused, and giggled to herself. After the anxiety of the night before, it was kind of a relief to have the scariest part over with, to know her body could function like a normal, healthy adult woman’s. To experience the pleasure she never thought she could.
She wobbled toward the shower and noted the fogged window and damp footprints on the mat. The stall was decorated with droplets. Even the air felt moist and warm. She was on Saul’s trail, intentionally or not.
She just didn’t know how to act when she caught up to him.
It sounded ridiculous, even to her naïve ears, but she felt lighter, freer, high on an inexplicable crescendo of relief and endorphins. Finally, she had become a woman in every sense of the word.
The water was hot, close to unbearable, when she stepped beneath the strong jets. She held her ground and let the water beat into aching muscles and soothe the tiredness. Inspired, she closed her eyes as she lathered using soap scented like honey and almonds and began to sing.
Anything and everything that came into her mind burst from her lips in happy vocals. Note for note, she segued from one tune to another. A new lease on life had started. It banished so much of the putrid darkness that had surrounded her for as long as she could remember.
Would Saul come in here with her? Caera was eager to see his body from hair to toes and to run her hands over every part of him in between. Was that brazen, she wondered, or was her tiny palmful of courage finally blossoming into something vast?
Sparkly clean, Caera stepped out of the shower and wrapped a warm, fluffy towel around her too-lean frame. She avoided mirrors like snowmen avoided fire; she couldn’t stand to see herself. But Saul didn’t seem to mind, even if he was hell-bent on feeding her up.
A robe hung on the back of the door, midnight blue and deliciously soft to the touch. When she sniffed it, Saul’s scent filled her nose. Feeling just a little bit wicked, she toweled off quickly and slipped into the velvety warmth of her lover’s robe.
Her lover.
Caera twirled a little in delight. Maybe her lover would be interested in round three. She knew she was, despite the pings and aches. Underneath those little signs of finally becoming a sexually active woman, her libido was primed and raring to go.
She secured the robe and wandered out into the hallway. She could hear Saul’s voice in the distance and followed it to the outside deck and a beautiful sunny day. She stepped onto the deck and saw him sitting in one of the rockers with his phone against his ear and a wide smile on his face.
“…nothing like I’ve ever known, Tess. She is perfect. I want to tell her everything, but she’s not ready for it yet. I’m not ready to take a chance on losing her.” He chuckled softly. “Yes, I’ll bring her to meet you if she wants to. Just promise not to scare her off.”
He had secrets? Caera’s mind went crazy at the idea of him holding something back from her. Good secrets, bad secrets? They had to be bad if she wasn’t ready to hear them. Oh, God, was he a criminal? Some sort of monster?
No, no of course he wasn’t. A monster couldn’t be as patient and kind as Saul had been with her last night. She stepped back awkwardly, deciding to muse upon this new information in private, and rapped her shoulder into the doorjamb. She yelped and then froze.
Saul’s head snapped toward her. For a second, concern flashed over his face and then he beamed at her. He held his hand out to her. “Speak of the devil and she wakes.”
Caera rotated her shoulder gingerly. “You’re on the phone.”
Those magic fingers of his wiggled in a ‘come hither’ gesture. “Tess is asking after you. And I want to cuddle you on a chilly day after our first night together,” he said as his gaze roamed over her hungrily, lighted with approval, “while you’re wearing nothing but my robe.”
Horrified, Caera gestured at the phone with no little panic. What would Tess think? She wanted to make a good impression with Saul’s new boss, not give the woman a reason to think Saul had gotten tangled up with a slut. A dirty, no longer innocent hussy.
“She’s heard worse, done worse, implied worse,” Saul said as though he’d read her mind. He stood. The body she’d had pressed against hers all night was dressed casually in black joggers and a matching hoody. It suited him; that ensemble of black cotton matched his hair and the color of his eyes when he became aroused.
Her body trembled as he approached her and she knew it had nothing to do with the subtle bite of the air. She quivered like a mare in season, catching sight of the dominant stallion coming to cover her. The answering desire in his eyes made her weak at the knees and her thigh muscles dissolve into jelly.
“Any ideas what I should do with a stunning, wearing only a robe young woman, Tess?” Saul smirked. Standing close to Caera, he used his free hand to part said robe with an easy swipe down the middle.
It fell away, leaving a bared path of skin from her throat down. The curves of her breasts were exposed, the nipples perking to attention under his hungry gaze and the caress of chilly air.
He laughed softly and handed the phone to Caera. “Tess wants to talk to you, baby.”
Oh, boy. She took the device but kept her eyes on the now-predatory movements Saul made toward her. She backed away slowly while Saul stalked her every step until her back hit one of the support beams by the steps leading down to the forest path.
“Caera?”
“H-hey, Tess,” she managed to stammer. Saul had her pinned, his hands sliding up the baggy sleeves of the robe and stroking along her forearms. When he dragged his fingertips back down the sensitive flesh of her inner arms, she shivered with almost orgasmic force.
“Saul tells me you went through with last night. How did it go?”
Those clever hands slipped the robe from her shoulders and left her bared to the elements and the heat from Saul’s body. Fingers skimmed over her breasts and circled the tender flesh.
“I, ah, yeah.” Her mind went blank.
“That good, huh?”
“I…what?” Caera arched, moaned, and fisted her free hand in Saul’s hair when he bent and captured a nipple in his mouth. She felt the dampness between her thighs turn to dripping heat, and she despaired at the lack of friction. She wanted, no, needed him to touch her there.
Tess’ laugh rang clear as a bell. “I take it Saul’s got you fairly occupied. Tell him to keep his hands off you while we have a chat.”
Caera whined. “But I don’t want him to.”
Saul’s mouth curved against her breast and began to kiss randomly over her chest toward her throat. One hand slid behind her and pressed against the small of her back. The other trailed down to her belly button and rimmed the indentation. “Tell Tess you’ll call her back.”
“I-I-I…oh, God, Saul. Don’t tease me.”
“Jesus, the man’s a sex machine, obviously. Put him back on, Caera.”
Wordlessly, she handed the phone back to Saul. His fingers closed around the phone and left her sex wanting. She stifled a scream of frustration.
“Busy here, boss. Caera will call you back just as soon as I’ve finished ravaging her.” He nipped at her neck and made Caera squeal. “Lift your hands, baby, grip the beam above your head. Good girl,” he praised when she obeyed, stretching her arms to comply. “I have an aroused, naked woman at my disposal, Tess. Bye-bye.”
The phone landed on the rocker and then all Saul’s attention focused solely on Caera, much to her delight. Her thighs fell apart of their own accord, giving him access to that wondrous place called her vagina.
He kneeled between her spread feet, his hands cruising up and down the lean length of her torso and her legs. Then he took hold of her hips and smiled up at her. “One of these days, I’m going to tie you up, just like this. Your hands above her head, your legs far enough apart to feel the muscles burn. My name is going to be the only thing you can think of, the only word you can say.”
Caera heard the whimper and embraced it. It gave voice to the flood of arousal and fear his words brought forth. Her hips canted toward Saul, a silent plea for him to do something.
“Were you ever spanked as a child, baby?” he murmured against the soft skin of her inner thigh. He kissed his way up to the apex and chuckled when she tensed.
Past ghosts of pain radiated over her back and buttocks. Harsh explosions of heat and the echoing crack of impact. The haunting sound of her own screams and sobs traveled through the years.
Her hands dropped to Saul’s head, and she pushed him away as she sucked in a horrified breath. Where the hell had that come from? She had no recollection of an experience like that. What the hell was wrong with her?
Get off me, you bitch!
That was all wrong. She knew it was. She just didn’t know why.
“Caera? What’s wrong?” Saul had lost his playful mood and gotten to his feet. Worry scored his face as he held a steady hand out in her direction.
Hysterical laughter bubbled up in her throat. Tears she didn’t understand were close on its heels. If she could tell him, she would. But that question was going to follow her for some time to come; she could feel the tenacity in its hold on her. “I’m fine.”
He bent and scooped up the robe and bundled her back into it. “Gonna have to call bullshit on that, Caera. You’ve downshifted from being in your headspace to slamming the brakes on. I’ve seen you pale, but I’ve never seen you borderline ash-gray. What triggered you?”
“Triggered me?”
“Something flipped a switch in your head,” he said gently as he belted the robe. He sighed and cupped her face in his big, careful hands. “Tell me so I don’t do it again.”
She just wanted to get lost in his eyes, to fall into them and never rise back to the surface of reality. She had a feeling—a warm, cuddly feeling—she would be safe there and protected by him until the end of time. With him, maybe she’d be lucky and he’d stop time for her at a point where she could be happy. Happy and wanted. Loved.
“Caera, you have trauma written all over you. Whatever it is you’ve managed to repress, it’s killing you. Day by day, every time you skip a meal or just nibble on a piece of bread, the flesh melts off your bones. Exhaustion is a disease eating you from the inside out; it’s a fucking brutal circle that’s tough to escape. The night terrors are your subconscious’ way of relieving pressure. Your body is trying to tell you something’s wrong. When are you going to wake up and listen to it?”
She flinched at the hard undertone of his words. One of her pet hates from her childhood was being lectured. Years of put-downs and the disapproval of her entire family had worn her down into a meek and silent magnet for their ill-masked insults and disgust.
“What do you want me to do?” The bitterness of her own voice surprised her. “I’ve spent more than half my life like this. It’s my lot; I do the best I can with it. I accepted it would kill me a long time ago, when other kids my age were still hung up on braiding their hair or playing video games.”
Saul straightened to his full, imposing height. The difference she’d recognized from the beginning, which she’d spoken to Tess about, covered him like a second skin. For a moment, she was afraid of what he’d become, of the power he exuded from his pores.
“We touched on the subject of an alternative method,” he murmured.
The breath caught in her throat. Her hand clutched the robe between her breasts. “We didn’t talk about it at length.”
“No. I think it’s time we rectified that.”
Caera searched his eyes for a sign of the less intimidating Saul and saw a flicker of him at the edges of the man he’d changed into. There was relief in that; he wasn’t gone completely.
“This is a massive step beyond anything you’ve dreamed about, Caera. It’s not easy and it’s not for the faint-hearted. Coming into my world will scare the shit out you, and I’m not exaggerating. There’ll be times you will want to run for the hills.”
Like now? She wondered if her apprehension was as easily read as she thought. It seemed as though she glowed with anxiety at what he was saying.
“I’ve watched you over the time we’ve been together,” he continued solemnly. His gaze was stark and honest, black as the pits of hell. “In my opinion, you’re strong enough to walk this path with me. But I can’t make the decision for you; only you know if you want to go down this route.”
Something deep inside her twisted. Caera didn’t know what Saul wanted her to do, but he made it sound…daunting. “I can’t make a decision when I don’t know what I’m walking toward, Saul.”
“I know. I’m trying to figure out whether it will be easier for you to grasp if I attempt to explain it or if you’ll accept it better by seeing it.”
Oh boy. The ground beneath her feet began to turn to quicksand. Nothing would ever be the same after this, she knew without a doubt. Whether she walked with him or away from him, Saul was about to change her world irrevocably.
“Are you scared of me, Caera?”
She blinked. The question was unexpected and she gave thought to telling him a little white lie. But he’d taught her too well in the days they’d known each other, and rule number one was drilled into her bones. So she would abide by it and give him the complete and utter truth.
“Yes. Yes, right now, I am.”
His perfectly sculpted mouth twitched. “You should be. This part of me craves you just as much as the other half of me does. The difference is, this part is more ruthless, more assertive and a lot more demanding than the other half. I’ll make you beg, Caera. I’ll make you cry, make you scream, make you surrender any piece of you I want.”
“I told Tess there was something different about you.”
The twitch blossomed into a cocky grin. “Tess is a world apart from anyone else I know, sweetheart. She can teach you a lot if you let her. They can help you just as much as I will if you let them.”
That gave her something to think about. “They?”
“Mac, Tess, and Dee.”
All the color faded from her face. Caera felt it as keenly as losing warmth from her skin. “So whatever it is you want me to try, there’s going to be four of you? Four?” Her voice hit a high, uncomfortable note.
“My family,” he said gently. “You’re going to be in the best hands with me and my family, Caera. Trust me when I say there’s no safer, more capable hands out there than theirs.”
“Safe and capable? Why the hell do I need safe and capable hands?”
“Because BDSM isn’t easy but it can be fun. When you have friends, you enjoy it more. Trust is so important in our world, Caera, and you need to feel you have people you trust.”
“BDSM.” The acronym spun wildly in her mind. She’d heard the term before but wasn’t completely sure she understood what it entailed. Whips and chains, masters and slaves came to mind immediately. She imagined herself on her knees, a thick black collar around her neck and the leash that trailed from it wrapped around Saul’s fist. “Shit.”
“Don’t look at me like I’m the devil, baby.” He reached out to stroke her cheek. The wounded look on his face when she flinched almost broke her. “I won’t hurt you, Caera. Have I given you any indication I want to cause you harm?”
She felt her bottom lip begin to tremble. “No.”
“That’s a start.” Saul rubbed a hand over his face. “Tell me what you believe BDSM stands for. What that brings to mind for you.”
“Bondage.” Tied to her bed, begging her mother not to do this, not to hurt her again. “Discipline.” The bitter sting of whatever her mother had found to torture her for an imagined infraction. “Sadism.” Laughter, so much laughter, from her torturer as Caera’s small body writhed in unimaginable agony. “Masochism.”
“Not a bad definition,” he murmured. This time when he touched her face, she let him. He smiled kindly at her. “Do you remember the rules?”
“We only covered one.”
“Which was?”
“Honesty.”
He nodded. “I want to take you to the club, Caera. To meet my friends, the people I trust more than anyone, the ones I consider my family. I can’t reiterate that point enough. My family doesn’t cause harm, and we love each other unconditionally. There is no judgement, no cruelty. What we are is freedom.”
“What are you?” It was a question she’d wanted to ask for a while. Time to throw all the cards on the table, Caera decided. She didn’t have a whole lot to lose.
“I’m a Dominant. I like rules, Caera. I love having a woman look at me like I’m her world, treating her like a queen, giving her everything she needs on every level. Sexual or otherwise. This time, with you, there’s a bit of a complication.”
“Oh really.” Her spine was starting to snap back into place. It had taken a good beating, had nearly broken, but she was determined she’d stand straight in the face of whatever was happening here on this beautiful sunny day.
“It’s the first time I’ve been in love with a woman who I want to introduce to the important people in my life. Shit, who am I kidding?” Saul muttered darkly. He caught her hands and held them tight. “It’s the first time I’ve been in love.”
Hope ripped through her. One dream, one yearning, and it was right here in reach. Reality kicked in, each and every word her parents had ever thrown at her, and she tugged her hands free. “No one can love me, Saul. I’ve gone my whole life without anyone saying those words to me. I’ve no reason to believe it’s possible now.”
“Caera.” The sympathy in his voice nearly shattered her.
“No. I’m broken, Saul. There’s a giant crack in me somewhere and it can’t be fixed. If you want me to try your method, fine. I hold my hands up and surrender. Take me wherever it is you want, do whatever you want.” Tears blurred her vision as she gave up the last vestiges of waning optimism for a semblance of a normal life. “Just don’t throw love in my face and think it’s going to break down all the walls.”
“Caera, wait, that’s not—”
“I’m going to go pack. I expect you’ll want to get a good start on wherever it is we’re going.”
She walked away from him, closing the door behind her as she stepped back into the cabin. As she felt the sand of time and dreams slip through her fingers like water, Caera allowed herself the luxury of hot, mournful tears.
* * * *
The first hour of the journey back to civilization was dismal. Tension filled the SUV to the point Saul wanted to either throw himself from the moving vehicle or pull over on one of the quiet back roads and fuck the tension out of both of them.
Caera refused to look at him. She’d drawn herself out of the light and sucked herself into the shadows to hide. The barest touch of his hand on her shoulder made her flinch and huddle farther into the passenger seat.
By telling Caera he loved her, Saul realized too late he’d forced her away. The negative stresses in her life had conditioned her into thinking she couldn’t be loved, making her believe she wasn’t worthy of being loved. And that was just plain bullshit, he thought furiously.
Love wasn’t about can and can’t, worth and value. Love encompassed the heart, and the heart chose who and what it wanted with no regard to age or race, social status or monetary value.
Saul’s heart had chosen Caera. It wanted Caera. It paid no mind to what she saw as her flaws, her inadequacies and detrimental faults. He only knew her to be strong and valiant, beautiful and complex. Both sides of him craved her, desired her, adored her.
He just had to find a way to prove to her that she was meant to be his.
Engaging the in-car hands-free function, he placed a call to Mac and waited impatiently for it to go through. After five rings, the broad Scottish brogue of his boss flowed out of the speakers.
“To what do I owe the honor?”
“Hey, Mac. How’s things?”
“Oh, couldn’t be better. Got the new club up and running and it’s proving to be a hit so far. The right advertising and the masses come flooding in.” Mac chuckled. “You sure you called the right number, Saul? Seems to me you’ve been talking to my lovely fiancée more often than not the last few days.”
“Less often than you think,” Saul said with a laugh. “I need to ask a favor, Mac. One I think you won’t mind giving me.”
“Hmm, sounds promising.”
Saul flicked a glance over at Caera and noted she’d pricked her ears up to the conversation but wasn’t making eye contact with him yet. “My personal schedule has moved up faster than I thought.”
“With the young woman Tess has been keeping me updated on?”
“Yes, that one,” Saul said dryly. “I’ve told Caera a little about what we do. I’d like to show her rather than try to explain the intricacies of it all. Would you and Tess be willing to, ah, put on a private demonstration? Dee too if she’s available. I’d like Caera to meet everyone at once.”
There was a brief silence. Saul wondered if he’d pushed his luck too far. From the corner of his eye, he saw Caera sit up a little straighter, her attention focused on the speakers.
“Well, I suppose that can be arranged. When were you thinking?”
“Ah, that’s the thing. We’ll be with you in about…two hours,” Saul replied after consulting the little digital clock on the dashboard. “I’m hoping to find a hotel in the area to crash in. I haven’t moved my stuff from home over yet.”
“Don’t be ridiculously stupid. Hotel, my ass. You’ll come straight here, Saul, and bring your pretty lass with you. The day I don’t have a room to spare for friends and family is the day I sell my life’s work.”
“I’ll owe you, Mac.”
“Nonsense. Family first, Saul. Consider it a perk of the job if you must, but you’re like a brother to me. Now you’re stuck with us.” Mac’s voice was full of mischief. “So, tell me what you had in mind for this demo. I’ll see what I can do by the time you arrive.”
What did he have in mind? Lots of things popped into his head, lots of sexy and enjoyable things, but he knew half of them would send Caera heading for the door without a backward glance. He needed to show her the side of BDSM that had compassion and trust. He had to emphasize the bond between Dom and sub.
“Something simple would be best.”
Mac laughed. “We don’t do simple, Saul. Elaborate is more our style.”
“Tell me about it. Just don’t scare the crap out of her with elaborateness. Short and sweet. Tame, even. I’d just like her to see the basics in the appropriate setting.”
“Who would you like in the role of the Dom? If you’re wanting to invite Dee to the party, there may be a war over who gets Tess first.”
“No fighting between Dominants,” Saul said. “And I’d appreciate it if you’d take point, Mac. I don’t think Caera’s quite ready to tackle the concept of two women together.”
“Three Dominants and two submissives in one room,” Mac mused. “Could turn into one hell of a scene with the right incentive.”
Saul had no difficulty imagining that particular scene. Even as images erupted in his mind, his cock strained against the confines of his jeans. In a somewhat strangled voice, he said, “Don’t torture me, boss. My zipper isn’t that strong.” When Mac’s booming laughter exploded from the speakers, Saul saw a smile twitch on Caera’s lips. Laughter evidently was contagious. “We’ll stick with a basic Dom-sub scene for tonight, Mac. Safety first.”
“Spoilsport.” Mac sighed. “Drive safe, then, and we’ll see you soon. Look forward to meeting this young woman of yours, Saul.”
“Two hours,” Saul said and cut the call.
Silence filled the vehicle again but this time, to Saul’s relief, the tension had dissipated to a less stifling degree. He flicked a glance toward his passenger and was amused when he met her eyes only for her to drop her gaze to the twisted pretzel of her hands on her lap.
Without a word, he reached out and covered the trembling knot with his steady hand. She stiffened under his touch for a moment and then surrendered and turned her palm over to meet his and linked their fingers.
“Nerves are unnecessary, Caera. You won’t need them. Let them go.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared or nervous when we get to the house. Your emotions are yours, baby. No one can tell you they’re right or wrong. You feel them. But I’m telling you, as the man who’s head over heels in love with you, if you think you can lose the nerves, do.” He squeezed her hand reassuringly. “You’re going to love the girls. There’s never a dull moment when the two of them get their heads together. And Mac’s just a really big teddy bear under it all.”
Caera murmured something under her breath, and although he couldn’t catch the words, the sadness came across crystal clear.
“Say that again.”
Her eyes lifted and locked on his face. A solitary tear slipped down her cheek and dripped off her chin. “What if they don’t like me?”
“Baby.” Understanding rippled through him. He checked his mirrors and pulled onto the side of the empty road and cut the engine. With quick moves, he had their seatbelts undone, his seat shoved back as far as it would go, and Caera pulled onto his lap. Cradling her was akin to coming home and holding sanctuary in his arms. “What is there not to like?”
Her mouth quivered. “Everything.”
“Bullshit. I adore you, sweetheart, but you have the worst lack of self-respect. We need to change that.” Saul nuzzled his nose into her hair and breathed deep. Oh yes, he thought with a sense of calm. Home. “I love you. My family will love you not only because I do, but because they won’t be able to help themselves.”
Her body trembled and then heaved with the force of the sobs she tried to hold back. To hide from him. Saul simply rocked her as best as he could and tried to soothe the pain of wounds both old and new.
When she was calm, when the tears had run their course, he kissed her. Kissed her like he meant it, like she was the only woman in the world. Kissed her with all the love and longing he kept safe in his heart.
She lay passive in his arms, as docile as a child. He settled her back into her seat and dragged the belt back around her. She was asleep before he pulled back out onto the road.
“You are loved,” he told her quietly. “Whether you believe you’re deserving of it or not, you are loved.”