ROSALIE
TUESDAY, JANUARY 16
My parents think I’m at Mercy Hospital right now, visiting Carter. Instead, I’m in the O’Malley’s lot, waiting for Pau. Since the museum on Friday, I’ve been sending her regular updates, and today we finally had school again, but it’s not like we could talk about anything important in the Greater Logansville cafeteria. I’ve lived through worse days, but it’s been a while. I’m not used to coping without Pau. By the time she pulls into the lot and I slide into the passenger’s seat of her brother’s car, I’m a giant ball of nerves and sparks. I sink into the seat cushion and blasting heat, and I can physically feel my muscles uncramp.
“You look like hell, Lee-Lee.”
“I feel like hell.”
“But you did the right thing, with Carter. I’m really proud of you.” She’s beaming.
We stare at each other for a minute. I want to lean across the seat and press my lips to hers, but we’re in the middle of a parking lot.
“Let’s drive.”
Pau pulls onto the road, and for a few minutes we drive in silence. When we’re halfway to the ridge, she says, “Talk to me about what happens now.”
I’m grateful to Paulina for cutting right to the chase, but I don’t have any answers. I’m no closer to uncovering Private’s identity than I was before they put Carter in the hospital. Amanda still won’t talk to me. And we’re one email away from being outed to my dad.
“I wonder what it would feel like to be Ecclesiastically Extradited,” I say finally.
Pau tightens her grip on the wheel. “I thought your church was supposed to evangelize the lost. Isn’t banishing people kind of hypocritical?”
I shrug. “It’s complicated. The FOC’s mission is evangelical, and they don’t Extradite everyone who leaves. It’s all about fear. If the church thinks members of the congregation might be susceptible to your un-Christian influence, they’ll make the family sever ties.”
“And Lily . . .”
“They’d absolutely consider her susceptible.”
Paulina whistles slowly through her teeth. “That’s some messed-up shit.”
“Welcome to the FOC, where the specialties of the house are God’s love and messed-up shit.”
We pull in at the ridge, and for a moment we sit in silence. I’ve never been up here before. I expected it to be crawling with cars, kids hooking up in the backseat, but tonight it’s pretty empty. Probably the weather driving everyone inside. I’ve never even considered coming here with Pau—too public—but this might be one of our last nights together for a long time. The accident has been all over the news, and naturally my parents have been tuned in to every piece of coverage. Unless the story dries up fast, it’s only a matter of time before Amanda gives an interview or Channel Eleven shows a picture of Carter with his “devoted girlfriend.”
After my parents find out that I broke up with Carter, or about Amanda, or see the photos with Pau—whichever damning revelation gets out first—I’ll be on lockdown at best. With everything falling apart around me, I need something good in my life. I need to be with the person I love.
I glance over at Pau. Now that we’re here, we’re both feeling the gravity of this week hard. To break the mood, I reach for her phone and settle on an oldies playlist she has saved. Some bouncy fifties tune fills the car with good vibrations, and my phone beeps. Carter.
I miss you.
I don’t respond, and a minute later, he texts again.
I can’t stand not seeing you. Come visit me?
You know I can’t. Too public.
Come after visiting hours. I’ll sneak you in.
“Carter?” Pau asks.
“Yeah. He wants me to come to the hospital, but I’m not going.”
I type a quick reply, the last.
Can’t talk right now. Sorry.
With a pang of guilt, I switch my phone to silent and toss it in my bag. “He’s out of his mind. Over FaceTime last night, he was raving about the car accident being a sign from God that we shouldn’t have broken up.”
“No shit.”
“It’s like he suddenly found religion. He thinks we’re fated to be together.”
“You sure the car didn’t hit his head?”
“He does have a concussion. . . .”
We both laugh. Then Paulina says, “The only one you’re fated to be with is me.”
I smile, in spite of myself. In spite of everything, I have Paulina. For now.
“Listen,” she says. “I’m here for you, no matter what. I swear to Pussy Riot and David Bowie and all that is holy that I will do everything in my power to make sure the FOC doesn’t get its hands on you. Even if it means kidnapping you until you turn eighteen.”
I lean across the seat and press my lips softly against hers. “I love you.”
She glances at the backseat and raises her eyebrows. “What do you say, lover? You, me, and this luxuriously cushioned Civic?” I follow her gaze into the back, which is clean and empty except for a couple blankets. “Let’s make tonight about us. Tomorrow, we will face whatever comes.”
I climb into the back and Pau follows. Under the tree where we’re parked, it’s pitch black and quiet except for the hum of the car heater. I kick off my boots, and Pau does the same. We twist around on the cushions until I’m on my back and Pau’s half next to me, half on top of me, pretzeling our bodies into the small space. I’m used to the openness of the clearing, the chill of outside. In here, it’s warm and close and strange. Paulina bumps my knee, then puts the palm of her hand down on my hair.
I giggle.
“What?”
“It’s just so different. Than the clearing.”
I scoot my shoulders so Pau has more room. Her lips brush mine in the dark.
“Good different,” she says.
I nudge her lips apart with my tongue and kiss her deeper. I want to lose myself in her mouth, her body, her breath. I run my hands across her back and around to the front of her blazer. I slip them inside. My fingers find the softness of her breasts through her shirt. She shrugs her blazer off and tosses it to the floor of the car while I work down her shirt buttons, releasing them one by one until the only thing between us is the thin ribbed cotton of her undershirt. I trace one of her perfect, full nipples with my fingers, and Pau’s breath catches.
She leans down and presses her mouth into mine, then unzips my hoodie, and I scoot up in the seat so she can slip it off. Then, I pull her on top of me. I want the weight of her body against mine. I want the heat and the urgency. She slips her hand down into the waistband of my skirt, and I bury my face in her shoulder. In the darkness, stars explode against the perfect map of her skin.
When we’re finished, first me and then her, we wrap ourselves in blankets and curl against each other. I rest my head on her shoulder and find her hand. Her fingers weave between mine, a perfect fit.
“I’m scared, Pau.”
“Me too. But I am not going to lose you. I promise.”
• • •
At home, I give my parents Carter’s regards, then head upstairs. Lily’s already asleep, clutching her stuffed cat to her chest. I give her a quick kiss on the cheek and get ready for bed. When I’m snuggling under the covers, a wave of exhaustion hits full-force. I think I might actually sleep tonight. Before turning out the light, I dig my phone out of my bag, where it’s been on silent since we got to the ridge. Fourteen unread messages, all from Carter. I take a deep breath and open the conversation.
Can you talk yet?
What are you doing tonight?
Why are you ignoring me, babe?
Are you with someone else?
I’m sorry. They have me on some serious painkillers.
The drugs are messing with my head.
You won’t abandon me, right Rosalie?
Amanda doesn’t know.
How the accident was a sign. Everything changed.
I could have died, but I was saved.
We’re supposed to be together.
I really need you.
Text me back.
Please.
I shudder and plug my phone into the charger. I’m sorry, Carter. But I’m not the girl for you.