3 YEARS EARLIER
“Right,” Jordan said.
A breath left my body as I punched my fist into his hand.
“Higher,” followed almost immediately.
He meant my elbow. It had the tendency to drop when I got tired. I raised it and punched again, which won me an approving nod.
My arms and legs trembled from the past hour. Every training with Jordan was a carnage with only one victim: me. However, I had gotten much better because even Jordan couldn’t stop a laugh from escaping his mouth—the kind of laugh that surprised you.
After some more kicks and punches, Jordan finally gave the redeeming word, and I let myself fall backward on the mat.
“Hell,” I said as the world spun around me. “I feel sorry for your soldiers.”
“You’ll soon be one of them if you keep this up.” Jordan grinned and brought me some water—which he always seemed to do. I thanked him. “You’re better than the majority, so I think I’ll have to be stricter with them.”
I threw him a sarcastic look. “Because my skills are so disappointing?”
He pushed me back down as I tried to stand up, which made me laugh. “No. Now that I see what results can come from my hands, I’ll have to get my other soldiers up to par.
“Maybe it has something to do with the student.” I winked from where I leaned on the mat.
Jordan smiled. “Maybe.”
I straightened and wiped the sweat from my face. He only had a few drops on his temple. Extremely unfair.
Jordan’s stomach growled ferociously.
I tried to rein in my laughter. “You’re still hungry?” I asked him with wide eyes. I couldn’t believe this guy.
Lately, we’ve been having dinner together in the canteen more often. I had loads of questions, and he didn’t mind answering them. Most of Jordan’s friends had gone home for a while after all those years at the Special Shadow Unit, and they lived outside of Barak, so he had plenty of time for me.
My friends were scattered about, and I didn’t run into them often. Kelian had been called away a week after I returned from the mission to serve temporarily at an outpost as an operating assistant. Cardan was in Barak, but always busy. I sometimes talked to him and Tania, but they were usually indisposed. And Hunter… she was still on her minor break with Nikolai. I would see her in a couple of days at the ceremony.
So, besides work, it was nice to have Jordan around—a friend. A friend that had five stomachs because I had no other explanation for how he could eat like a giant.
I narrowed my eyes at him while I stood and gestured for him to follow. “Come.” I put a sweater over my head and pulled my brown curls from the braid they were in, into a topknot.
“Where are we going?” Jordan asked as I opened the door.
“We’re going to get some food from the best food stall in all of Barak.”
Jordan peered at me from over his nose and held open the door. “Then I definitely know of it.”
“I doubt it,” I said on a serious note. “It’s not exactly your… environment.”
Together, we walked through the abandoned hall when Jordan, too, put on a sweater—the fabric stretching over his muscled shoulders. His breath sounded indignant. “My type of environment? What do you mean by that?”
I waved away his words. “You know, the my-dad-is-a-delegate type of places.”
“What are you saying, Renée?” he asked and turned around, facing me as he walked backward. “You’re all talk for an almost-major. I think you’ll do good with some penalty training.”
I rolled my eyes. “Like you’re not already drilling me enough.”
He winked.
When the distance between us increased, I smiled at him. “Where are you going? You can’t get there without me.”
“You mean to Ben?” he called and smiled widely as he noticed my stunned face. “I wonder how many hotdogs he’ll have left at this hour.” He looked at his watch and tapped it a few times while he looked back at me—dimples on full display.
That sneaky—“I dare you!” I warned him, but he turned around, and I started sprinting after him through the main base’s exit.
When I finally arrived at Ben’s stall a couple of minutes later, heaving from my sprint, Jordan was already paying for the last three hotdogs.
“Hey, Raven!” Ben waved. “You know each other?” He pointed from me to Jordan.
I sighed as I approached them. “I wished we didn’t.”
“Really?” Jordan said dramatically. “Because I just wanted to share my hotdogs with you, but if—”
I punched his arm.
“The hotdogs!” Jordan yelled and acted like he scrambled to keep them in his hands. He looked sideways at Ben, who was grinning at us. “This woman is dangerous, I tell you.”
Then, he started walking back the way we came. “Nice evening, Ben!” He said cheerily.
I quickly followed, waving to Ben, who started to clean his stall.
Jordan put a hotdog in his mouth and held one out for me. He smiled with his mouth full at my narrowed eyes, but carelessly draped his free arm over my shoulders and pressed me close to his side as we walked back to the base.
By the time we returned, my cheeks hurt from smiling.
* * *
NOW
I carefully stepped out of the car and ensured my green velvet dress was wrinkle-free. The wrap dress had spaghetti straps and fell to my calves, which elongated my legs—especially combined with the high, golden sandals I wore. And finally, the golden starred arm cusp I had gotten from Hunter and Nikolai adorned my right arm.
I had pulled my hair into a low bun, and a few strands were hanging free and framed my face, making the low-cut back of my dress a feature.
Kelian offered me his arm with a slanted smile, and I grabbed onto it nervously. His dark red hair was styled fashionably, and the smoking he was wearing had been carefully selected. Even his pocket square matched the fabric of my dress.
He looked great.
Once inside, I quickly checked my reflection in one of the floor-length mirrors we passed as Kelian brought our coats to the cloakroom. It was the first anniversary gala I attended, and I had to confess I was excited.
“Ready?” Kelian asked from behind as he put his hands on my shoulders, and our eyes met in the mirror. Mine were kohl-lined, making them pop, but my gaze was uncertain as I took in the rest of me. I knew I had nothing to be unsure about; dressing up, and wearing a certain outfit, also counted as armor. And I was heavily packed this night.
I nodded and took hold of his arm again before entering the room.
It was the third time they held the gala in honor of the serum, but it was the first time I could attend since only generals were invited.
We walked around the space for a bit, chatting with several people. I had almost forgotten how to be a normal human being, but my social interactions were fine—great, even.
Finally, I spotted Hunter. She wore a beige, strapless, tulle dress adorned with pearls. It looked mesmerizing on her.
Yesterday, she had offered that I could stay the night at her and Nikolai’s house, but I had wanted to train for a couple of hours in the morning. After I returned, Hunter sent me a message saying I could always talk to her, which had made my heart clench. We had the type of friendship that didn’t need maintenance every week; when we saw each other again, it was like nothing had changed. She was my favorite type of friend.
As we stalked closer, she noticed us and smiled immediately. A group of soldiers surrounded her and Nikolai, but she smoothly excused herself to come over to us. Nikolai looked at her in a way I now recognized as mild irritation. He clearly didn’t want to be left alone in that group.
Nikolai’s gaze shifted to mine, and he nodded, his jaw softening.
I winked at him as I hugged Hunter. “Gods, I’m glad you’re here,” I said earnestly. Earning me a curious look from Kelian as he, too, hugged Hunter.
“You look good, Hunt. How’s married life?” he asked her.
Hunter radiated joy. “It’s great. But look at you! I almost didn’t recognize you.”
“Is that a good sign?” he asked semi-sarcastically.
Hunter chuckled. “You look great, Kelian.”
Kelian stalked closer to my side and poked at me. “Do I not always?”
I snorted, brushing his arm affectionately. “Of course you do, honey.”
His gaze was indecipherable, and he suddenly returned to looking around the room.
Nerves crashed through my body at the thought that I’d be seeing Jordan again. After an entire year. Even more so now that he was engaged, the reality of it probably shoved into my face for the rest of the evening.
“I’m happy you two are here, too,” Hunter said. “It’s fun to see familiar faces from 3B, but it’s unreal how many people are kissing Nik’s ass on a night like this.” She laughed and turned around to look at her husband. “He looks absolutely miserable.”
I laughed with her and felt some of the tension leave my body.
“Jordan and Ashley have arrived.” Hunter looked behind me and smiled.
“What?” I asked, a little shaken, and I felt my cheeks burn.
Hunter’s eyes focused on something behind me. “They’re coming this way,” she said. “I’ll do the talking.”
“Why wouldn’t we talk?” Kelian directed his question to me, genuinely baffled. But his brain seemed to catch up quickly as he watched me. He cleared his throat.
“Is it too late to walk away?” I asked, and Hunter mouthed a curt yes. I didn’t want to keep standing there, but this moment was inevitable. As we turned around, I grabbed Kelian’s arm and took in the couple before us.
“Raven—” Kelian started, but Hunter interrupted him.
“Jordan! Ashley!” she said.
I plastered the biggest smile on my face that I could manage, which wasn’t much at all.
“Hunter,” Ashley reacted just as enthusiastically, albeit a bit modestly, and kissed her on both cheeks. Hunter immediately started talking to her, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Instead, I shifted my focus to the man in front of me.
Jordan was already taking me in. His eyes whirled from my dress to the hand clasping Kelian, and back to my face—staring. He was definitely staring.
I stared right back and swallowed—my throat suddenly parched.
His ash-blonde hair had grown a little. His black suit was perfectly tailored to his body, and his stormy blue eyes told me everything he didn’t dare to say himself.
Hunter quickly lay a hand on his shoulder as she kissed him on the cheek. The movement finally tore his eyes away from me, and the tight band around my chest loosened a little. I inhaled sharply, testing the restraints of my dress.
I moved my gaze to Ashley, who Kelian introduced himself to and who then smiled at me. “Raven, right?” she asked. “Ashley. We met at Hunter and Nikolai’s wedding last year.”
“Of course,” I nodded and smiled back. She was beautiful. “I remember. You looked just as amazing as you do now.”
She smiled with the confidence of a woman that knew she looked good. “Likewise.” She winked. “I think I dreamt of your golden dress that night. You should pass me the details of your designer.”
I couldn’t answer with, well, funny you mention that! I dreamt about your man that night. Want to trade? So I settled with, “I will.” Although I couldn’t remember the name even if I had wanted to.
She smiled a little wider. “I’ll keep you to it.”
Next, Kelian greeted Jordan, nodding in recognition as they shook hands.
After an awkward silence, I finally let my eyes glide to Jordan, who was staring at me again. Why couldn’t he just say, “Hi” like a normal person?
“Congratulations,” I told them and smiled at Jordan before looking back at Ashley. I refused to look at the ring. I also didn’t ask them how he’d done it. I didn’t want to know the details—didn’t want to hear anything about it.
“Thanks,” Ashley answered, and frowned at Jordan. She nudged him.
He scraped his throat and said hoarsely, “Yes, thanks.”
A shiver ran through my body. What that voice did to me, even after all this time, you’d think there had passed none at all.
Ashley rolled her eyes and gave me a sympathetic smile. “He’s been that way all night,” she told us, but directed it at me. Ashley looked like she knew there was some history between us, but I highly doubted she knew what kind of history. She spotted someone in the room and excused herself as she left our group.
Yeah, she didn’t know.
Hunter also turned around and folded her lips. “I’ll check on Nikolai to see if I can save him. We’ll see each other later, okay?”
I knew what they were doing.
They were giving us time and space to talk. I watched as she hugged Jordan, threw him a look, and disappeared into the crowd.
Kelian lay a hand on my arm as he picked up on the cue. “I’ll be at the bar if you need me,” he whispered. Jordan followed the movement, jaws clenching.
I knew I could go with him, but I needed to get this over with. I dipped my chin and watched him retreat into the crowd.
Reluctantly, I tore away my gaze from Kelian and met Jordan’s eyes. He looked pained—like I was a puzzle he couldn’t solve.
“Hi,” I finally said, and kept holding his eyes. I had the distinct impression I was burning—the urge to move closer and farther away at the same time was just as strong. He looked incredibly handsome in smoking. I wanted to scream out of frustration.
Jordan still hadn’t smiled, but his forehead smoothed—the first sign of the man I used to know. “Raven.”
“It’s been a long time,” I said.
“Too long,” he agreed. He clearly wanted to skip the small talk. Or did he want to end this conversation as much as I did?
I swallowed and broke eye contact. This was easily the most awkward conversation of my entire life.
“You already met Ashley?” he asked.
My eyes returned to his. “At Hunt and Nik’s wedding. You’re a lucky man, Jordan.” My compliment sounded hollow, even though I meant it.
“Yeah,” he said flatly, and rubbed a hand over his throat.
“How are you doing?” I asked him, but I didn’t know what answer I hoped to get. My feelings ran rampant.
He shook his head.
I felt my throat constricting and my eyes burning. I hadn’t been ready for this conversation, this moment, the rejection—to see him again. My hand clasped my arm, fingers playing with the cuff, and I was just about to turn around when he stepped closer and—
“Wait,” Jordan breathed. “Wait. Shit, Raven. I don’t know what to do either.”
I stopped moving, but I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“Look at me.”
Breathing was difficult.
“Raven,” Jordan let his warm hand caress my chin and tip it back up to him. I inhaled sharply.
I saw a million things in his gaze. His eyes trailed over the healing cut on my cheek. He tipped my chin farther back, eyes glued to the make-up-covered bruise his keen eyes had spotted. His eyes trailed down, taking in the freshly healed cut on my arm. He did not comment on them, though I could see a storm of questions brewing in his eyes.
His hand trailed down to the golden cuff on my arm, and he smiled slightly as he let his finger roam over it—the touch, his eyes, intimate. “You’re a general now,” he said, and I swore I detected pride in his gaze.
I nodded and found my voice, “Brigadier General.”
“That’s amazing, Raven.” Dimples appeared on his cheeks. “You’ll be able to take over my job in no time if I’m not careful,” he teased.
My smile was instant. “I think I would like to sit around all day and do nothing.” The comment had left my mouth before I could think about it, and it felt so natural, so normal, that it stung.
I wanted to crawl out of my skin, run away, and never return.
Jordan barked a laugh, and I realized it had been too long since I heard that sound. “I forgot you’ve got quite the mouth.” Stars shone in those eyes. “Maybe we need to fight it out on the mat sometime. I’ve heard tall tales about your skills, so I’d like to see how you compare to your teacher.”
My lips pulled into a challenging grin, and I raised my brows. “You’ve no idea what you’d be getting yourself into, Locke. The time of you teaching me has been catching dust in my brain.”
That was a big, fat lie.
“Oh,” he answered and changed his gaze to the movements of my throat as I swallowed, “I think I do.”
I didn’t know what to do with my body or what to do with the smile on my face—which was blossoming just as the dimples in his cheeks deepened.
When a group of people behind us burst out in laughter, I was sucked back into reality. The clanging of glasses, the voices, the music—it all rushed back to me. I remembered where I was again, who I was, and why this, whatever this was, could never be.
His eyes, which had been full of warmth a moment ago, had once again frozen over as he seemed to realize the same thing.
“Well,” I said after a while, and my throat felt bone dry. “I’m going to get something to drink. I’ll see you around.” I hoped, not.
But before I could run off, he had captured my elbow.
I searched his face, which was closer now than it had been all evening.
“Don’t disappear on me,” he breathed, the words only for me, his eyes boring into mine. “Not again.”
My heart froze and burned up at the same time. I shook my head because I didn’t know what else to do.
It seemed sufficient because he let me go, and I backed away, hurrying off to whatever destination my brain had decided on before I forgot my own name. I cursed my trembling hand as I opened and closed it again.
On my way to the bar, my gaze met Ashley’s from across the room. She looked behind me and back—not angry, but more… somber? I returned her gaze with the only smile I could manage, because I knew Jordan’s eyes were still trained on me. I felt them.
And Ashley finally figured out what that meant.