3 YEARS EARLIER
Hunter had come to the infantry department to have lunch with Jordan and me. We had declared we didn’t see each other enough, so she came over during one of her hospital breaks and asked us where we were hanging out.
Jordan and I had been at the canteen, where we spent most of our spare time lately—if we weren’t walking through Barak, training, or joining another meeting. It seemed like we were always together.
Which felt good—being near him.
Neither of us had talked about what happened a few weeks ago, and I preferred it that way. Jordan came to dinner the day after, like he always did, and had pretended nothing was amiss. We slid back into our routine easily. I was grateful to him for that. He quickly became one of my best friends in the short time we had spent together, and the last weeks had propelled our bond to new heights. The last thing I wanted was to fight with him.
Jordan and Hunter were looking at me expectantly.
“Sorry, what?” I asked as sounds rushed into my ears.
“Are you having fun at the infantry?” Hunter repeated.
Jordan grinned, and my heart pounded uncontrollably. I nodded. “It’s everything I hoped it would be.” I looked back at Jordan’s soft smile. Heat crawled into my face.
A week ago, I officially switched to the department and secured a position as an infantry major—a proud moment. Jordan had helped a lot, although he hadn’t been allowed to be part of my entrance committee because of our friendship.
“She’s doing really well. By far my best student,” he added, and I realized he was sincere. That glittering in his eyes only appeared when he was passionate.
Averting my gaze, I focused on Hunter, who squeezed my arm lovingly. “I’m happy for you,” she said.
I smiled at my best friend. How far we had come kept blowing me away. “The only downside is the infantry’s canteen. It’s always so damn cold. My hands freeze into lumps of ice whenever I’m here,” I joked.
Jordan grabbed my hand from the table and harbored it between his own warm hands.
I froze.
Burned.
He had touched me before; we had hugged. He had taken my hand one time to show me something. All familiar gestures… Jordan was a physical person, so it was nothing out of the ordinary.
But not this. This felt different.
How he held my hand between his own, and curled his fingers securely around it—felt different. It was intimate. Did he feel it, too?
Chuckling a little, I tried acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary, but I felt my cheeks turn an even darker red. I was glad I wore my curls free, so my hair concealed parts of my face. And that I didn’t have such a pale complexion, like Hunter, which would have immediately alert them to my blushing.
Hunter waved at someone at another table, but I was trapped in this moment.
“It feels warmer already, thanks,” I told Jordan, and tried to take my hand back.
His head tipped to the side like he wanted to say something, but eventually he let go.
I nodded and let my trembling hand glide underneath the table. With a confident smile, I asked, “Can’t you pull some strings as a general? Some radiators wouldn’t hurt this place.” The smile didn’t reach my eyes.
Either Jordan played along, or he was unaware of my predicament as he narrowed his eyes. “You aren’t already insinuating that I abuse my position now, are you, Renée?”
My eyes trailed to Hunter. “What other reason would I have to be friends with him?”
Hunter chuckled, but I still felt his eyes trained on me.
“I would be wary of tonight’s training if I were you,” he warned, a dimple appearing.
Then he focused on the food in front of him. Hunter grabbed my still trembling hand underneath the table and squeezed it—grounding me—as the realization hit me.
I was falling for Jordan Locke. And I was falling hard.
* * *
NOW
The cobblestone streets of Damruin were just as I remembered them. The terraced houses were a dull grey, lined with rows of flowers in all colors that had survived the darkening. This part of town was called the flower neighborhood for a reason, and it seemed everyone in the street had taken part in this year’s gardening competition.
“This sight warms my heart, darling,” my father beamed at me as I clutched his arm a little tighter. We made our way through the streets, greeting the people—all so familiar.
My heart filled with warmth, and joy flooded my brain, overriding any sense I had. I tilted my head to the sky, feeling the sun’s heat on my face.
Suddenly, my father stilled beside me, and I opened my eyes again, following his gaze. The house he was staring at rang a bell so loudly that I gasped, my feet trailing forward.
“Can it be…” my father stammered.
I was holding his arm, throwing him a sidelong glance, and I realized he wasn’t looking at the house at all. A woman sat on her knees in the dirt, a beige sundress pooling around her ankles, the fabric streaked with earth. We walked into the front garden lined with orange, pink, and blue flowers—all maintained in perfect condition and taken care of by expert hands. Hands I had watched working in that garden a thousand times. Hands I had never forgotten.
I now looked at them once more. I followed the path from the woman’s hands and arms to her long brown hair that hung over her shoulders and draped onto her back. A straw hat shielded her face.
“Natasha?” my father asked, and as I looked at him, I shrunk, and the world enlarged. Suddenly, I had to look farther up, my hand tiny compared to his—my father, younger.
The woman looked up and shielded her face against the sun as it dipped below her hat. Her eyes widened, and she pushed herself from the ground, rubbing her hands on her dress. “Leon?” she gasped.
My father let out a sob. He stepped forward and dragged her into an embrace. He cupped the back of her head and buried his face in her neck. Her body heaved with silent sobs as he said, “I thought I had lost you.”
“Mama?” I asked, biting my trembling lip.
She let go of my father and crouched before me, taking my head between her hands and kissing every part of my face before dragging me to her chest.
“You’re better?” I asked her.
My mother laid her hands on my shoulders and squeezed me reassuringly. “I kept the house clean for when you would return to me. Where you belong.” She flicked the tip of my nose as she had often done, and a smile blossomed on my face.
She walked forward and opened the front door. Our front door. A gentle hand rested on my back. Looking up at my father, he nodded for me to follow her. My tiny heart squeezed, hope filling the empty spot it had once occupied. Light shone through the opening, and I stepped toward it, squeezing my eyes at the brightness.
The door shut behind me, and all the light vanished. A chill crept over my spine at the sudden change. Shivers wreaked their way through me, and I wrapped my arms around myself to shield my body against the cold. “Mama?” I spoke. “Papa?”
“Here, dear.” My mother’s voice came from the back of the room. It took some time for my eyes to adjust to the dark. I could only see a large, dark shadow in the corner—where the voice had come from.
My lips started trembling. “I’m afraid, Mama. Where are you?”
The shadow in the corner started moving forward, and fear paralyzed me, rooting me to the spot. As the eerie shadow stalked closer, it reached out a hand.
Now, my body was trembling, and I slowly started crying.
“Mama’s here,” her reassuring voice came again, but this time, I closed my eyes, afraid of what I was about to see.
“Look at me, sweetheart.”
I shook my head, pressing my eyes and lips as close as possible, shielding myself from the world.
“Look at me.” More demanding now.
I didn’t.
She yanked my arm. “Look at me!” she yelled.
Tears kept streaming down my face as I wished for it all to stop.
“LOOK AT ME!” she screamed in my face, and all I could do was scream with her.
My throat burned as I pushed myself upright in bed, my hair wet with tears and sweat.
“Not real,” I whispered to myself. “Not real. Not real. Not real.”
It had been over ten years since I last had that nightmare.
Ever since my father and I had fled from Damruin, our hometown, I had lived through many nightmares about the place. It haunted me—how it had once been my home, and is now a forgotten place draped in shadows. Nothing left of it but the memories and the ghosts of our past that no doubt haunted it now.
With one hand on my chest and another on my belly, I regulated my breathing and tried to calm my raging heart. Not in a million years had I pictured myself going on a mission to Damruin. It was fucking with my head.
The place where I was born, where I grew up, and where I had seen my mother for the last time. My mother, who had been sick because of the mutation, and—
No. I couldn’t think about that now.
I won’t.
* * *
My throat was still sore by the time I had freshened up and walked toward the mission briefing. With every step I took, I cursed Domasc for making me go. It had already proved taxing on my mental health, and I wasn’t even on the mission yet. The little girl within me was terrified at the prospect of going back to Damruin.
I rounded the corner and walked into the briefing room.
“Brigadier General Renée?”
I looked up at the threshold. Colonel Keano, who I recognized from the SSU, was already sitting inside with a couple of others. She and I had been in the same extraction group on more than one occasion, and I remembered her as very capable.
“Hey!” I said, glad to see a familiar—and friendly—face.
I walked into the room and greeted the others: Major Britton, also from my time at the SSU—and the other two I didn’t know yet: First Lieutenant Gabon and Colonel Kilich.
I sat down, finally relaxing a little. This group was capable, and the people seemed chill, which helped with my anxiety. Gods, it felt like a weight lifted from my chest.
But then Jordan stepped into the room, and our eyes met.
My lips parted. What was he doing here?
I was the first to speak. “Lieutenant General Locke. I think you’re in the wrong room.”
Jordan put down the folder he was carrying. “I’m in the right room, Brigadier General. Thank you for your concern.”
I was under the impression that Domasc would do the briefing himself. Hadn’t thought about it, really. I had been too busy forcing the mission to the back of my mind from the moment it was assigned. But this… I hadn’t expected this.
My feet were glued to the ground, forcing me to stay put.
“He’s hot,” Colonel Keano whispered to me.
All I could do was clench my fists, letting the frustration of Jordan’s presence dissolve, and resist the urge to rub my temples—to soothe the aching headache that had started the moment I arrived.
The emotion in his eyes perfectly matched mine. Neither of us voiced it, though. We never did. The consequences would be catastrophic.
Jordan broke the tension by laying down the folder and taking one of the digital markers. His eyes left me as he blindly closed the door.
“So, how are you?” I asked Keano, but I looked Britton’s way, too.
Britton cupped his jaw as he cocked his head to the side. “Great. Got a nice promotion—more pay.” He rubbed his fingers together with a lopsided grin, as if that explained everything.
“Cool,” I responded and locked eyes with Keano, who rolled hers at me.
I bit my lip to keep from laughing. “And you?”
“I’m okay. Not sure what the fuck this is, but I decided to go with the flow more, so I’m trying to keep my cool.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but all chatter died when Jordan clapped his hands together, wringing them. I turned around. Jordan leaned on one of the larger stools, half sitting down, half standing up, with one foot firmly planted on the ground.
“This is an unusual mission,” he started, “but it’s also an unusual situation. You all know that unknown activity has been detected on the shadow plains. Damruin is on Ardenian soil and there are no missions stationed there, which is why we will investigate. All we know so far is that we are not dealing with mutants.”
We? As in, he was coming with us?
He tapped the screen with his marker, opening a file that contained multiple aerial photos showing activity and movement through the plains over the past few weeks.
It was hard to focus on his words while looking at him, so I tried to focus on the photos on the screen.
Jordan went through the information Domasc had given us, which wasn’t a lot. We were only investigating, but still… I had no idea why a group of SSU soldiers already on the base couldn’t go, but I was a long way from wanting another chat with the Chief General.
He was the holiest of assholes.
The rest of the briefing was vague. But again, so was the mission. Before returning to the shadow plains we would have a couple of days at the SSU mission base near the wall—formerly known as the 3B mission base. Jordan promised us, a group of six people, including him, that more information would come before the start—because of the sensitive nature of the mission and the fact that we didn’t even have all the info yet. Which meant the situation was a lot worse than I thought.
Pushing myself off the chair, I nodded to a few people as they left the room.
“See you later, Brigadier General,” Keano said.
“Yeah,” I responded, smiling at her.
I waited until everyone had left the room before walking over to where Jordan was already looking at me, his arms crossed as if they posed a barrier between us.
He was wearing the same uniform as me: dark green cargo pants and a fitted long-sleeved shirt of the same color. But where there was only one star embroidered on my breast, he had three.
“Are you stalking me, Jordan?” I asked, forcing as much playfulness into the words as I could muster, but it came out cold.
“What? No ‘Locke’?” he asked, scanning my face—his eyes lingered on my lips. Going by his expression, not in the romantic sense. “You’ve been keeping yourself busy, I see.”
“Yeah,” I drawled, brushing a finger over my split lip. “Rough lover.”
His eye ticked. Jordan looked as if he wanted to say something else, but decided against it.
I inspected my nails, avoiding eye contact. “So, are you going to tell me why you’re here?”
“I volunteered to be the leading general on this mission,” he said.
What? “You volunteered?” I repeated.
He nodded, eyes dipping to my lips again.
“Why would you do that?”
Jaw clenching, Jordan turned off the screen.
“Jordan?” I tried. My heart thudded viciously as I added in a whisper, “Don’t tell me you’re here because of me.”
Blue eyes found their way to mine, emotions lingering there. “I won’t.”
Clearing my throat, I stepped closer. “Why, Jordan?” The silence crackled with the tension between us.
He looked at me for a long moment, a storm brewing in his beautiful eyes. “You know why.”
Goosebumps erupted from his admission.
I forced myself to nod and hurried from the room before I could say or do anything I would regret.