3 YEARS EARLIER
I had decided today was the day.
Yesterday, Jordan had left for dinner at his parent’s house, and I had missed his presence so much that I’d simmered through our shared memories. Realization had hit me. I couldn’t do this any longer—pretend like we were just friends. I had taken the whole day to gather the courage to tell him about my feelings. Darting around this conversation would not cut it anymore. I had to get an answer to move on with my life. If I prolonged this, my feelings would drown me.
Jordan had feelings for me, too. Of that, I was sure. I wasn’t stupid. There had always been a certain pull between us. I wouldn’t ever profess my feelings for him if I was sure he saw me like a little sister.
My heart raced a thousand miles per hour as I walked through the halls toward Jordan’s rooms. By the time I arrived, I was short of breath, which had nothing to do with my endurance.
I knocked on his door before I could second-guess myself, and it opened almost immediately.
“Raven,” Jordan said, his eyebrows hiked up, and a faint smile appeared on his lips. He was wearing green cargo pants and a light grey shirt, his muscles shifting underneath it as he moved his hand higher on the door.
I forced my eyes upwards. “Yeah, hi. Can I come in?” I pointed into the room behind him.
“Always.” He stepped back and opened the door wider.
As I made my way inside, I put one foot in front of the other. It was neat, even for military standards—like no one was living here at all. His clothing hung wrinkle-free on a rack and lay neatly folded on the shelves. The bed I could see in the adjacent room was made with folds I had only ever seen at high-class hotels—again, wrinkle-free.
When I turned around to face him, butterflies fluttered through my body.
“Make yourself comfortable,” he said and gestured to the chairs surrounding a round wooden table. “Want something to drink?”
I shook my head. Gods, no. I wouldn’t get it past my throat. “I actually came to talk to you about something.”
“Yeah,” he said as he sat down with a heavy sigh. “I have something to tell you, too.” The light left his eyes as his expression turned grave.
I wanted to make that look disappear from his handsome face, so I asked, “What happened?”
He shook his head. “You first.”
There was no way I would profess my feelings for him while he was struggling with something. “Jordan, tell me. What’s going on? Can I help?”
After a while, he said, “I don’t know.”
I signaled for him to speak, and he rubbed his throat. “A couple of months ago, the week I just got back from 3B, before—” his eyes pleaded with mine “—before you and I saw each other again in the training hall, I went to this club in the city. I drank way too much. Partied too hard. There I reconnected with my ex, Ashley, the one I told you about.”
“The love of your life,” I murmured, not liking where this conversation was headed.
Jordan’s mouth opened like he wanted to say something, but decided against it. “She’s a successful attorney now—all grown up. I almost didn’t recognize her. We…” His eyes found mine again, gauging my reaction to the confession that wasn’t said out loud—as if he was ashamed to admit it. “It shouldn’t have happened, but I don’t know; she was familiar, we were drunk, and it was all too easy.” Falling back into each other’s arms.
I did not want to hear about who he slept with.
I really, really didn’t.
“As you know, I had this dinner with my parents yesterday. Turns out, they had invited their friends—Ashley’s parents—without giving me a heads up.”
My brows furrowed. I held my breath and tried to calm myself.
“Her mother is my father’s colleague-delegate, and our families have known each other for years. That’s also how Ashley and I first met.” He paused, biting his lip. Jordan sighed as he focused on his hands. “And Ashley was with them, too.”
I could not care less about Ashley. “What happened, Jordan?”
He looked up at me with those stormy blue eyes. “She’s pregnant.”
Air leaked from my lungs like someone had punched me square in the chest.
Pregnant?
“She is?” I asked him, practically choking on air. “It’s yours?”
Jordan nodded, his eyes shattering as they held mine. “Before I knew it, she had asked me for a second chance.”
I had to remember to keep breathing and keep talking to him. “What did you say?” I insisted as I clasped my hands together in prayer.
“I told her I had to think about it.” He swallowed. “Shit, I don’t know.”
My mouth dropped open. “You’re considering getting back together?” I don’t know why I was so surprised about the fact. They were getting a child.
He nodded again, slower this time, and I wanted to run from this room.
“I don’t know what to do,” he confessed, looking at me like I could help him figure it out.
He might as well have stabbed me in the heart.
What did he want from me? My advice? Didn’t he fully grasp how I fucking felt about it yet? “You know my opinion.”
“She has changed,” he countered, pleading for his case.
“Then don’t ask for my opinion if you don’t want to hear it. Do whatever you want to do.”
His eyes softened, face contorting. “Raven, I’m—”
“No,” I raised a hand to stop him. “I understand this decision is hard on you, but I can’t help you make it. Just follow your heart.” I didn’t know how I managed the words, but I felt the walls build up behind them—the fortification closing me in.
“But a child—” I choked on the words. “A child is not a reason to be together.”
A cynical laugh escaped him. “My mother said the same thing.”
“And what did you tell her?” My voice was small.
He pulled a hand through his hair. “That no, a child isn’t a reason to be together. But it’s a reason to try.” He avoided looking me in the eye. “Everyone deserves a second chance, right?”
I tried blinking away the tears filling my eyes because I knew that if I said any more, my voice would surely break. How do I get the fuck out of here? I need to be alone.
Jordan still wouldn’t look at me as he started nodding to himself. “Yes,” he said, like it was the only thing to keep his life from falling apart around him. “There’s too much history between us not to try.”
Everything in me wanted to hurl at him; try to get it into his thick skull that he deserved better. But where would that get me? I wasn’t unbiased in all this. Who knew? Ashley might be able to make him happy. She had done it before. Maybe she truly had changed this time. And a child… A family… That’s huge.
It would be everything if they could make it work.
Tears pricked in my eyes, but I blinked them away.
“Sorry,” Jordan said, finally looking at me. “I didn’t mean to burden you with my problems.”
I shook my head. “No, Jordan. Don’t apologize. That’s what friends are for.” My smile was unsteady. “This—this is just a choice you have to make on your own.”
He nodded. Then he asked, “What did you want to speak to me about?”
“Oh,” I said and cleared my throat. “Nothing. Only that I’ll be taking a step back in the coming week. I don’t feel quite well.”
Jordan’s eyes turned worried. “We can do something else. Something more relaxed?”
I smiled. “No, that isn’t necessary, but thanks.” My pager went off, and I looked at the screen, thanking the gods for this timing.
Battery level low.
“Well, duty calls.” I held up the pager to emphasize my point. “Talk later?” I asked and didn’t look back as I stood and stormed from his room.
I turned a corner in the hallway, tears already streaming down my cheeks, and I finally gave my heart permission to break.
* * *
NOW
It was freezing cold in the middle of the night. The alarm had been set early that morning. I hated waking up so early, but it was part of being in the military; we had to be ready at all times of the day.
I had called my father the night before and told him I would be gone for another week or two, deliberately leaving out the part about returning to the shadow plains, least of all to Damruin. I didn’t even want to admit that part of the mission to myself. Thinking about it made me sick; talking about it would most definitely tilt me over the edge.
Colonel Keano was standing next to me and dropped her bag to the ground, her jaw tensing and her eyes puffy, like mine, no doubt. Her hair was fully braided, and I cursed myself for not thinking about that. She let out a long breath. The smokey clouds lit up by the large lamps attached to the building where we joined the rest of the group. Neither one of us was very talkative this early in the morning.
A large black bus drove up and stopped in front of the meeting place. A military driver stepped out, and we stowed our bags in the luggage compartment before joining the queue to get inside. Jordan was checking to see if everyone was with us.
I stepped forward after Major Britton and looked up at the Lieutenant General, whose chiseled face was more pronounced by the night’s shadows. Keeping my voice low, I saluted, “Good morning, Sir.”
He just looked at me, an unreadable expression on his face. “Pretty sure it’s still night, but welcome on-board Brigadier General Renée.”
I stepped inside and walked to the back, where Major Britton had pulled his hoodie over his eyes and seemed to have drifted off already. There was enough room for everyone to get their own row, so I sat down in the row in front of him, with my back to the blinded windows and my legs stretched out in front of me.
As everyone got in, the doors closed, and the bus started driving.
I watched as Jordan spoke to the bus driver for some time. Then, he walked into the bus and sat down in the front. Our eyes locked before the lights dimmed.
I pulled up my hoodie against the cold and closed my eyes.
* * *
Someone woke me violently, and one of my eyes cracked open against my will. Major Britton was smirking. “You’re a deep sleeper, Brigadier General.”
I wrinkled my nose in aggravation. “Fucking hell,” I muttered under my breath as he walked off the bus.
The lights were back on, and I noticed almost everyone had already made their way out. The movement of the luggage compartment opening vibrated through my seat. I took a couple deep breaths before pulling off my hoodie and climbing out of the bus.
A year ago, a new airport was built some distance from the city—they needed the space for people to live. Now that they had found a vaccine, the government wanted to focus more on future developments instead of battling with the past. That’s why they decided an army airport near the main base wasn’t necessary any longer. Why would there be if there was no immediate threat?
That’s why the army had received part of this newer airport, but it was a pain in the ass drive and took multiple hours from the main base.
We walked over to the hover plane while the cabin crew took our baggage away. I stepped inside, put on my seatbelt, and closed my eyes again, trying to squeeze in every moment of rest I could. If you weren’t the type of person who could sleep when they needed to, you would learn to do so in the army.
Something bumped into me. A bag? A Person? I had no idea, but I didn’t care and hoped they would just sit down quickly to let me rest. As another thing bumped into my arm, I opened my eyes and suppressed a sigh.
Jordan sat next to me and fastened his seatbelt as he looked behind and checked the people on board. We were complete because he turned back around and looked my way. His smile disappeared.
Great.
“What?” I asked him. “There weren’t any other seats left?”
He clenched his jaw. “There weren’t, actually.”
I shrugged indifferently, but felt heat crawl up to my cheeks.
To my relief, I slept throughout the larger part of the flight. A little less soothing was that I woke up with my head on Jordan’s shoulder. The body part in question felt heavy as I tried to lift it, but I soon realized that his head rested on top of mine. Not on purpose, though, because his posture stiffened as I straightened.
“I didn’t—” I started.
“Yeah,” he replied hoarsely. “Me neither.”
And that was that.