3 YEARS EARLIER
After a week without seeing Jordan, I walked into the canteen. I had to admit I was nervous to see him again. Nervous about what he was going to say and what he had decided.
I glanced around the packed room, my stomach growling. The first day after the news, I cried so much that I hadn’t been able to eat, which meant that after a week of avoiding the dining hall, the smells that greeted my senses were almost a little too stimulating.
Again, I looked to my left, back into the hall, where I finally spotted Jordan.
He was already looking at me—a close-lipped smile on his agonizingly handsome face. The rest of the hall didn’t notice our exchange, but to me, he might as well have been shouting my name.
Butterflies fluttered through my stomach, and the hunger I felt moments before vanished. I had to hold myself back from running over to him like a fool. I was definitely not going to do that.
He was going to be a dad.
I held my ground as I got something to eat. Eating was important.
When I got my food, I walked over to Jordan and sat in front of him—never beside him. I loved looking at him. Still loved it, even though it hurt like a bitch.
“How are you doing?” he asked, studying me.
“Fine.” I shrugged, which was decidedly not the way to make this less awkward. “You?” I tried putting a jingle to the word, forcing a smile on my face.
Jordan looked at me like he saw right through it. “All things considered… Okay, I guess.” He took a bite. “I came by your room a couple of times.”
He said it as he would comment on the weather—like we were two people having a normal conversation. But something in his eyes made me pause and think twice about my response.
“Yeah,” I said casually. “Decided to take some time off.”
“Ah,” he said, clearly not buying that either.
The conversation flattened, and I tried to come up with things to talk about—something I had never done before. Asking him about Ashley and his growing family was possible, but a hard pass. Thinking about it made me want to scream. And that was the full extent of thoughts about him in my brain. Ashley and his growing family. Just lovely for my mental health.
Instead, I remained silent.
“Want to get back to training next week?” He hopped right over to the next subject, brushing off the rest of our conversation like it had never happened.
I took a bite and swallowed it. I smiled at him, although everything inside me cringed. “Sure.”
It wasn’t like I was lying. I wanted to get back to training—to before all of this had happened. But sadly, life didn’t always go the way you wanted.
Instead, it went the way it was supposed to go. And I clung to that belief.
* * *
NOW
The rest of the way to the mission base had been uneventful. And when the familiar lights had loomed up in the distance, they wrapped around me like a comforting blanket. I hadn’t expected to be back so soon—a part of me thought I would never be back. But in a way, it felt like coming home.
After I dumped my stuff in my assigned rooms, I almost ran from the general’s quarters, visiting the familiar halls that led to the canteen for some dinner. I passed many familiar faces on my way there, and some of them had even asked why I was back.
I picked up some food, keeping my back firmly to the rest of the room. But as I turned around, my traitorous eyes immediately looked for, and found Jordan before quickly looking away and gathering the courage to walk up to him.
It felt like a déjà vu.
After all this time, my feelings for him remained like they had never left—and I hated myself for that. Maybe it had been childish to storm off the other day, but I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as him without either wanting to strangle or kiss him.
Being near him was so overwhelming that it hurt too much.
I wanted to believe I was over him, but seeing Jordan at the gala, I knew it was a lost cause. If, after three years, my feelings for him hadn’t simmered, I would probably always keep them, just like the feelings he had for Ashley.
I noticed his eyes were still trained on me as I walked his way. He stopped eating as I sat down, and we looked at each other for a second before opening our mouths.
“Hi.” Awkward.
His slanted smile was tentative. “Hey.”
“I’m sorry,” I said carefully.
Jordan smiled like he carried the world’s weight on his shoulders. “You have nothing to apologize for, Raven. If there’s anyone who needs to be on their knees, it’s me.”
I bit my lip and dismissed his comment. “No.” Trying to clear the image of Jordan on his knees before me, I added, “It was very unprofessional of me.”
“No,” Jordan said. “I—”
“That’s all I wanted to say. Please, let me. Let’s agree to bury the hatchet, okay?”
Jordan nodded and swallowed the rest of what he wanted to say.
“How does it feel being back here?” he asked suddenly.
After a beat of silence, I looked around. “Weird, in a way. I hadn’t been planning on coming back here.” It was an olive branch of sorts.
He said nothing, but his eyes found mine, and the depth of emotions swirling in them was overwhelming. “You were planning on staying.”
I felt my hand tremble as his blue eyes scoured my face. “Yes.”
Eventually, he nodded and leaned back in his chair, his posture more relaxed. He pulled a hand through his hair, inhaling deeply. Why was he so impossibly handsome? “Good.” A smile curved his beautiful mouth like he couldn’t help himself. “But you should know, I would never have let you go back here. Not alone.”
My uniform felt too tight. I cleared my throat. “I thought as much.”
Jordan smiled at the table.
I prayed my thanks in silence as the loud ringing of Jordan’s satellite phone shattered the moment. He picked it up with resistance, the apology in his eyes warming me up from the inside.
“Okay,” he spoke through the phone and stood, jaw clenching as he gestured he needed to go. “I’m coming.”
I nodded, indicating that he should.
He held the phone away from his ear and covered the microphone. “We’ll talk later.” He walked away, speaking again. Jordan casually put a hand in his pocket and walked off like he had no care in the world.
I checked him out from behind; his tall, strong legs, firm ass, and muscled back—the cords shifting beneath his t-shirt.
Damn, he was gorgeous. Mouthwateringly so.
My heart thrashed inside my chest and got even more distressed as Jordan—with the phone still to his ear—turned around and winked at me, dimples flashing. Then, he placed his hand on the door and pushed, disappearing.
Fuck my life.
I was way in over my head.
* * *
After finishing dinner, I walked a little. It was weird to stroll over the grounds of the mission that had been my entire life not so long ago. I looked up, gazing at the sky, the forever night that was permanently littered with stars. The stars that had always brought me solace.
Ever since fleeing from Damruin, I have felt lost at sea. But here, at the mission’s base, I had found a home—and although my story here had wrapped up; it did feel good to be back. It was a sanctuary, calming me like I hadn’t been since I returned to Barak. Funny how such a high-stress environment could make a person feel more at ease than the capital, where people weren’t even thinking about the shadow plains most of the time.
An hour later, I entered the dimly lit bar where I had spent a lot of my time preparing missions, drinking, talking, and… doing other things, too. I smiled at the memories that flooded me. And as I looked up, Jordan’s eyes latched onto mine, inviting me to join him.
Somehow, I’d accepted my feelings for him, but that didn’t mean I had to act on them. I knew I couldn’t.
I felt a blush blossoming on my cheeks as I ordered a drink, leaning forward on the bar so it shielded me from his piercing gaze, and tried to forget that my body was ablaze from one look. I inspected the snacks on the menu this week—pinching my eyes as I tried to decide what to get.
“Hey, beautiful,” someone whispered in my ear as a hand curled around my waist.
The corner of my lip hiked up at the sound of his voice. I turned to look at him.
Vlad.
He hadn’t changed a bit. His skin was just as pale as I remembered, his features just as grave, and his angular eyes were still as dark as his buzz cut. The color contrasted with his skin like day and night.
“It’s good to see a familiar face,” I said.
Vlad drifted closer, his familiar scent entering my nose, which had me biting my lip. “Want to show me just how much you appreciate it?” he asked smoothly, pulling me closer into his body.
“I’m not that glad.” I grinned.
“I missed you, you know?”
I snorted. “You mean you missed me warming your bed.”
“No one does it like you,” he agreed.
I slapped him on the chest playfully, but he caught my hand—capturing it there. “You’re sure?”
“Yeah.” My eyes trailed past him to Jordan, who clenched his glass and looked at us like he wanted to smash it into someone’s skull. Vlad’s, specifically. “Not really in the mood right now.”
Vlad’s gaze followed mine, looking over at Jordan. “You’re with the prince of Barak?”
“What?” I asked him, barking a laugh in shock. The laugh sounded dangerously close to being caught. “No.” I was such a shit liar.
“Jordan Locke, right? It’s what we used to call him in training.” He tipped up his chin to the general in question. Then he looked back at me, amused.
“I’m not.” My chest vibrated with laughter, even though I bit my lip to halt it. I didn’t want Jordan to think I was making fun of him.
“He seems under the impression that you are.”
“Yeah, no.”
“I heard he is a baby daddy these days.”
My heart clenched violently. “Let’s stop talking about him.”
Vlad’s fingers trailed close to the curve of my ass, skimming lower and lower. “Sure,” he replied easily. “So, if it’s not a who, then what has you all wound up?”
My fingers rimmed the glass in front of me as I sighed. “This bullshit mission Domasc has sent us on.”
“Ah.” He let his hand fall away, the mood changing. “I heard about that from Zaregova.”
My eyes widened as I looked at him in surprise. “He told you?”
Vlad nodded. “Wanted to give me a heads up—needed me to be your eyes and ears around here.”
That loosened the knot in my chest a little. I knew how skilled Vlad was. “Thanks.”
He let his hand trail over my spine until it curved around my neck, squeezing gently. “Of course.” For a moment, Vlad’s depthless eyes looked back at where Jordan had sat. The place that was now empty. “Well, I guess that’s my cue to go, too, before he thinks of ways to flay me alive,” Vlad said, pushing himself from the bar with a generous smile. To the barman, he said, “All of her drinks are on me.”
Before he went, he grabbed my hand. “Did you visit the Sewers?” he asked, his dark eyes warm.
“I did.” I smiled.
“Good.” He kissed me on the cheek before walking away at last. “See you later, Renée.”
I tipped my glass to Vlad in salute and downed the rest of it in one large gulp before shoving it forward to get another refill.
The gods knew I needed it.