1 YEAR EARLIER
They say time heals all wounds, but sometimes I wonder if that’s true.
I looked out of the window to the world I had left behind some time ago. The choice of not returning to Barak during my time off had been deliberate—I only visited my father and Hunter, who lived outside the city.
With every lamppost we passed, my face was reflected in the window, and my shadow projected on the leather backseat of the car.
The early morning greeted me as the sunlight lamps in the distance turned on softly—mimicking a sunrise with its orange hues and rays of light. Kelian, who had been working at the SSU for the past half year alongside me, had already gone to Barak the week prior. He had wanted to extend the trip to visit his friends and family. I would only stay for the night of Hunter and Nikolai’s wedding.
Work occupied my mind twenty-four-seven, which was the perfect distraction. As I rose in rank, so did the amount of work and responsibilities. I loved being busy with actual problems instead of making my own bigger than they needed to be.
Barak’s skyline came into view, and a knot in my chest twisted tighter at the sight. It was beautiful.
I had missed it immensely.
A serene feeling washed over me as I let my head rest and closed my eyes.
Eventually, we arrived at the hotel I was staying at with the other guests from far out of town. I stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. It felt good to be back.
The driver opened the trunk and grabbed my bag. I tipped him royally. My SSU bonuses were as much as four months of pay combined when I first started in the army.
My mouth dropped open as I entered the Westeria. The hotel was gorgeous. Everything was gilded, just like the gold dress that was (hopefully) already waiting for me in my room. I was thankful to Hunter and Nikolai for hosting me in such a place. I wouldn’t have minded crashing at the base for a night, but they insisted.
A girl approached me almost instantly. “Miss Renée?”
I smiled, “Yes.”
“Welkom to the Westeria. You can put your belongings on the rack. We will bring these to your room. Please follow me.”
I followed her, grinning from ear to ear, taking in the breathtaking space. Even the elevators were golden!
As we stepped inside, her eyes fell on my coat, where my colonel insignia was embroidered. I had a habit of wearing my uniform everywhere I went nowadays. “You work with the bride and groom?”
I smiled. “I did, a couple of years back.”
Recognition flared in her round eyes. “At the shadow plains?”
The lift pinged open, and I nodded.
“Thank you for your service.” She bit her lips like she wanted to say more, but she pointed into the hallway and led me through it. We arrived at a door on the left, and she put a golden card in the little slit, opened it, and gestured for me to enter.
I walked inside, and for the second time today, I gasped. “Wow.” I also noticed the rack in the middle of the room where my golden dress hung.
Then she suddenly asked, “Do you maybe have a tip?”
“What?” I turned around, confused.
The girl shook her head like she was clearing it. “For the army. I applied for the next selection round after I finally turned eighteen last month.”
“Really?” I regarded her for a moment, thinking. “You want a tip for the selection process?”
She nodded eagerly.
I regarded her for a moment, cocking my head in deliberation. “The most important thing I can think of is your motives—your intrinsic motivation. It has to be strong. Why do you want to join the army?”
“To help people,” she said immediately.
I smiled. “That’s a great start, but you can help people in a million ways. Why do you want to help people specifically through the army?”
She had to think about that question a little longer, but the girl had an answer. “When I see soldiers, the sight of them brings me a sense of safety. And when I think about possibly being a soldier, I feel powerful. Not in a greedy way, but in the way that counts. I haven’t always felt powerful in my own life.”
Nodding, I bit the inside of my cheek. “Bingo,” I said. “If you keep holding onto that, the rest will fall into place.”
She beamed. “Thanks… Colonel.”
I winked, and then she was gone.
* * *
The hall was beautiful, a perfect mix of old and new: one wall was made entirely of glass, and the other walls were decorated with a golden relief.
My golden, A-line dress, which I specifically bought for the wedding, was made from tulle. A strip of fabric was wound around my waist, creating the perfect silhouette for my body. The back was open, and the whole dress sparkled, reflecting the lights surrounding me. I wore golden sandals with golden straps that climbed up my legs, and golden earrings adorned my ears.
My hair was half pinned up, and the front braids pulled around my head to meet at the back like a halo. The other half hung loose, accentuating that my curls now fell to my waist.
The last time Nikolai came to check the mission’s progress, he had brought me the marriage invitation. Hunter had added a personal note to it and asked me if I wanted to be her witness, and of course, I said yes. I hadn’t been a good friend the last years, as I mostly spent my time on the shadow plains. But our friendship wasn’t measured by the time we were together. Every time we saw each other, it felt like no time had passed at all—no matter the amount of time or space between us.
I walked through the hall and focused on anything but the mingling crowd. My eyes strayed over the architecture, the beautiful decorations—anything to distract me from finding someone I didn’t want to see. I was glad when Hunter’s mom walked out of a door into the large hall and beckoned me closer almost immediately.
When I got closer, I gestured approvingly to her wine-red wrap dress. “You look stunning, Mrs. Jameson.”
“Dear Raven, didn’t I tell you to call me Clara?” She smiled and planted a kiss on my cheek, then pointed to the semi-open door at the end of the hallway behind her. “Hunter is in there.”
I gave her a knowing smile as I walked to the room. I pushed the door open and heard Hunter sigh deeply before she pulled me into a tight hug. “Raven! It’s so good to see you. I’m so glad you’re here.”
Laughing, I took her hand and squeezed. “You look beautiful, Hunt.”
“I regret inviting so many people,” she confessed as she fussed with her hair.
I smiled at my best friend. “I’m sure that once you’re inside the room, the only one that will matter is Nikolai.”
Hunter bit her lip. Nodded.
“You ready?” I asked her.
She inhaled. Exhaled. Then she smiled. “Let’s get this over with.”
“I’ll see you inside.” I gave her one last hug and exited the other way I came in, straight into the ceremonial hall where all the guests had trickled in. I walked past Kelian, Cardan, and Tania—waving to them and gesturing I would meet them later, but I refused to look anywhere else. At the end of the aisle, I took my spot in the front row beside Hunter’s parents.
* * *
His eyes had been boring in the back of my head during the entire ceremony. It wasn’t just an illusion; he had been looking at me. When I was addressed from behind, my glance had drifted off to the left, and our eyes had locked.
The rest of the ceremony was beautiful; violins had played as Hunter walked to Nikolai, waiting for her on the dais. They were such a mesmerizing couple. And as their witness, I had to sign Hunter and Nikolai’s wedding document at a small table on the dais beside them. When I lay down the pen, I once again felt the heavy weight of Jordan’s gaze on me. I had tried to ignore the feelings that stirred up as much as possible.
Now I stood at the sidelines of the party, to which about two hundred people had been invited. But I only focused on Hunter and Nikolai, slow dancing together. I knew that if I didn’t focus on them, my deceptive eyes would stray in search of a particular general.
I needed a drink.
Carefully, I let my eyes wander, finding the bar. My feet moved forward, and I tried my hardest not to look around to see if I could spot any of my friends. Where were they when I needed them?
I was ordering a glass of champagne at the bar when someone walked up next to me. At first, I was afraid to look to the side, but when I saw it was a woman, I physically relaxed. Not for long, though, because I recognized her blonde hair and delicate features.
Up close, she was even prettier.
She didn’t look at me, but seemed to be deciding what she would get.
I pointed to the champagne in my hand. “This one’s good if you love sweet drinks. I recommend it,” I said, tipping my glass to the sky in emphasis.
Cringe.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“Then I’ll take that one,” she said to the bartender. Her smile was friendly, and it was directed at me. “I’m Ashley.”
“Raven. You’re Jordan’s girlfriend, right?”
She nodded, a proud glint in her eyes. “You know him well?”
“Reasonably,” I said carefully, “We worked together at mission 3B.”
“Oh! Of course. Raven!” She facepalmed her forehead like she thought she was an idiot. “He mentioned you, but you went away some time ago, right?”
My chuckle was awkward. Strained. “Yeah… That’s me.”
“So that’s where you all know each other from? 3B?”
“Most of us, yes,” I answered. I gestured toward the hall. “Speaking of, I have some more catching up to do. But it was nice to meet you.”
Ashley smiled broadly, radiating joy.
I would be, too, I guess.
“Yes, of course. Enjoy your evening.”
I smiled at her before I turned around and hurried off. Why the hell had I opened my mouth? Why, why, why?
On the way to wherever I was going, I finished my champagne and grabbed another from a passing tray.
I found a door behind a curtain that led to a balcony, and I almost groaned in relief as I made my way outside into the crisp evening air. Walking to the railing with big strides, I leaned my body against the cool stone and took a few deep breaths. I placed my glass on the rim and gripped the balustrade with both hands.
The balcony looked out over the city—the lights complementary to the stars I could faintly see. At the SSU base you could see them all, their beauty unhindered by our light pollution. The stars were the only real thing in our sky that we hadn’t fabricated. I stared up at them. They always calmed me down—the idea that we didn’t matter all that much. That we were just a tiny blip in a sea of stars.
The door banged shut behind me and I jumped, causing me almost to drop my glass of champagne from the ledge. I spun around.
Swallowed.
And swallowed again.
“Jordan,” I finally managed. My lips wanted to twitch into a smile at the sight of him, as if my body didn’t care what happened in the past. But I really did not want to smile.
I wanted to cry.
“Hey,” he said, looking me up and down. He cocked his head as he walked closer. Dimples appeared on his cheeks. Jordan wore a gray suit paired with a white shirt, the top two buttons undone. His tanned chest was visible and—
“How are you?” I asked him abruptly. My hormones were raging like I was a teenager again.
He nodded and reached a hand into his pocket. Leaning against the railing, he said, “I’m fine.”
I nodded furiously. Come on, Raven. “Congratulations on your promotion to lieutenant general.” I wanted to kick myself.
Jordan inclined his head in thanks. He looked at me again, his eyes searing a path over my body, goosebumps trailing in their wake. “You look beautiful, Raven,” he said out of nowhere. His Adam’s apple rose and fell. “You always do.”
Blood flowed to my cheeks, and I blushed a deep shade of red.
He took another step forward. If one of us leaned in, we would be touching.
I met his dark blue eyes. I forgot everything. What I thought, where I stood, who I was.
Jordan, too, searched my eyes with an intensity that made me quiver. Then his eyes dipped to my lips, and one thing became abundantly clear.
If he kissed me right now, I would be his. If he chose me now, I would choose him back.
But he didn’t.
Of course, he didn’t. It was a fantasy he could never afford. One I couldn’t permit.
“I think—” I took my glass of champagne from the railing, my movements slow. “I think this isn’t a good idea.” I wanted to slip away and get back inside before he could hurt me more than he’d already done. But before I got past him, he gripped my arm.
“Raven…” he said, his voice taking an apologetic tone that I absolutely couldn’t stomach. “About when I—”
I nodded firmly as I looked up at him. “Let’s not make this more complicated than it needs to be.” My breath came in sharp, and I almost choked on it. “A lot of time has passed in which we both went our separate ways. It’s fine.”
I was lying. None of it was fine.
Jordan stared at me, a crease forming between his brows. He seemed to want to say more, but I didn’t want to hear his apologies or why he couldn’t choose me.
I wouldn’t put myself through that. Not again.
“Get it together, Jordan,” I hissed. “You’ve made your choice; now stand behind it. That’s what’s best for everyone involved.” Including your child. But I couldn’t get myself to say the words. I hadn’t been able to since the moment I left. It wouldn’t be true if I just didn’t speak it into existence. I knew it was immature, but it was a coping mechanism.
Imagining him with a happy family… In love… It hurt too much.
His eyes were unreadable, but eventually he let go of my arm and let me slip back inside, merging with the crowd.