Chapter 8

 

FUNNY HOW WALKING out of the clinic felt as though I was escaping. Kinda like when I’d left Serenity Hills, I got the feeling somebody was gonna haul my butt back inside.

Nobody did though.

I shivered without my jacket as I stood there, waiting to be escorted but no one batted an eyelid at me. They’d returned my clothes at least so now I was in the clothes I’d been in when running. Black cargos, boots, and a t-shirt with my name stamped on it, because they must have figured I was dumb enough to forget my own name.

The main drag was busy. People hurried from building to building. Frei’s office was opposite and I looked up at the top window, assuming that’s where a general would be. From a slave to a general, that was some going.

I rubbed my cool arms and decided that the escort wasn’t gonna turn up. I had to have one everywhere before. Maybe I didn’t need one anymore. It would have been nice if someone would have talked me through everything but that would take communication. It would be logical. It would help me know what I was and wasn’t allowed to do. Least if I broke the rules then, I’d know I’d done it before guards with guns showed up to escort me to get hollered at.

The wind whipping down from the snowy mountain top stung my cheeks as I trudged down the gritted sidewalk. Renee must have been on duty as she weren’t there to meet me. A few folks cast glances at me, either ’cause I was Lilia’s kid, or the fact I was in a t-shirt.

A few minutes later I stopped outside the door to my quarters. A concrete slab, next to lots of other concrete slabs. Lorelei was chiseled into the heavy door. I stared at it half expecting to see the sticky notes that had been used in Serenity. The ones that told the guards just how unfriendly the wild animal locked inside was.

Renee’s place looked empty so I took a hot shower, changed into something that wasn’t military, and opened up my violin case. I’d missed it. It was sweet that Renee had dropped it off for me.

I picked up the violin and ran my hand over the wood. Perfect time for revisiting a friend.

Time kinda flew by and before I knew it, the heavens were filled with a twinkling starry sky. I peered out from my window and smiled up at it. There was nothing like a canvas of nature’s glory.

A breeze tickled my arms and I shivered and turned to smile at who I knew was there. “You getting air miles for all this, Nan?”

I heard her chuckle and placed my violin in the case.

“Shorty, I got some things to say to you.”

Knowing I was tensing at her words, I tried my best not to let my temper rise. “My darlin’ mother has already given me a lecture, Nan. I don’t need another.”

“What makes you think I’m gonna holler at you?” The humor in her voice had vanished.

I could almost see her, five-foot nothing and standing there with her arms folded and her short white hair bobbing on top of her head.

I missed her. I really missed her.

“Everybody else has, why wouldn’t you?” I closed up the violin case. “I did what I had to and paid the price for it. I made the right decision.”

“This about that firecracker of a blonde?” I could feel the breeze ripple across the room, as though Nan was strutting over to a rocking chair in the corner. A second later it moved as if somebody was sitting there.

“Ain’t it?” I took up a seat on the sofa, adjacent to her. I knew I couldn’t see her but if I tried real hard, I could picture her sitting with her knitting or maybe fixing this or that. She was always busy.

“In part. Here’s the deal, Shorty. What you did for her was so brave an’ true that I been beaming with pride ’bout it.”

Felt good to hear. At least someone was proud. Only, it made me miss her even more.

“Thing is, what you did kinda hurt you. That’s what happens when you do something somebody ain’t asked for.”

“So it’s a punishment?” Great. Help somebody out and get a ticking off from . . . well . . . who or whatever controlled things.

“You kiddin’ me? You think love and goodness go punishing folks for helping?” She sounded disgusted. Nan had been a real spiritual sort. I was pretty sure that going wherever she was couldn’t change that.

“That’s what it feels like.”

“Reason why is when you go fixing folks who haven’t asked, you end up taking on more than you can handle.” The rocker moved a little slower, like it used to when she was thinking. “If somebody asks you. They are focused on what it is. That way you only take what is ailing them.”

“An’ when they don’t?”

Nan sighed. “You do what you did, which is go lookin’ for every hurt they got.” The chair moved a little faster. “You ain’t meant to carry the weight of the world on them big ol’ shoulders of yours. We had someone pretty incredible who did all that already.”

“You gonna start throwing Bibles at me again?” I was half-teasing. All good was a welcome topic in my eyes. If folks were set on salvation, peace, love, or being kind to everybody else then I was on board.

“I should, maybe you’d find solace in it.” She clicked her tongue. I swore I could hear a knitting needle so maybe it was that. “Come to think of it. I’m gonna ask your mom to send that priest here and help you out.”

“Nan, I ain’t sure he would want to hang out with me.”

“The guy you met in that hole,” Nan said as if dismissing my worries. “The guy who helped you think on the armor.” She stopped rocking. “If you ain’t noticed, all your gifts have faded. You need to ground yourself and get rid of all that negativity.”

I groaned out loud. “Can’t I just stand under the shower or somethin’?”

“You want to keep on feeling like a bear sat on your hind?”

Odd image but apt. “No.”

“Then try listening, Shorty, ’cause I ain’t foolin’ around. You nearly got yourself in real trouble.”

She didn’t need to tell me. I’d lived through what happened to Renee. Not real pleasant.

“If you’d touched somebody after you saw that sheriff, you could have done a lot of damage.”

He’d had some stomach thing that was killing him. I hadn’t meant to take it away. I was fixing his knee. “But he asked.”

“No, he didn’t. He didn’t know what you were.”

“And what am I?” I knew I sounded testy but I was trying to help folks not butcher them and I doubted Sam was dealing with this much crap.

“A good person who don’t want to hurt nobody. I know you were panicking when you hit Sam. I don’t blame you, but you hurt somebody and that’s why the decision’s been made.”

I sat forward. It was hard to glare at thin air. “Decision?”

“Yup. You ain’t getting your gifts back until you understand what it’s like to live without them.”

Now, you’d think I’d be livid at such a thing but I grinned from ear to ear. “I ain’t burdened with them no more?”

“You smile now but you’ll start understanding why so many folks struggle.” She sighed. “You need to remember that it ain’t a punishment. Somebody really loves you and they want you to succeed.”

If that was the case, where had they been all my life? “Why do I need to talk to the priest guy if I ain’t got a problem no more?” To me it was a problem. If I didn’t know what was hurting people then I didn’t have to do nothing about it.

“You still got to live with yourself.” Nan sounded tired. “Shorty, I’ll see you when you figure it out but until then, it ain’t gonna be easy for us to talk.”

“Why?” That didn’t sound fair. “Nan, you’re the only one I get.”

“An’ I’m not wandering around the place. If you ain’t got gifts, you won’t know I’m here.” With that the breeze faded, the chair stopped as if she’d never sat there, and I felt more alone than I wanted to admit.

Having Nan was the sole thing that gave me courage. It was the good that came out of feeling stuff I didn’t want to. I rubbed my hand over my face. She’d sounded tired so maybe it was a good thing she had a break. I couldn’t be tempted to call on her now.

No burdens.

I grinned.

No ghosts, no visions, no feeling what folks did, no hurting when they did, no danger of hurting somebody when I didn’t know what I was doing.

Punishment? It was the best news I’d had . . . well . . . ever.