CHAPTER SIXTEEN

An audience has gathered in the common area. Two guys are playing air hockey, and two more stand nearby, watching. Four girls occupy a pair of couches on either side of a big coffee table. Hannah is near the edge of the library, talking with identical twins.

Twins? What are the odds?

Shawn and Bobby sit at a nearby table. Shawn offers a friendly smile when he spots me. Bobby is oblivious, his nose buried in a book.

Herc sits alone and sullen in a chair in a corner.

Crosby clears his throat as we approach. “Okay everyone, I know you’ve got to get to Morning Meditation, but I need your attention over here for a minute.”

Oh, god, here we go.

Crosby grabs my hand and pulls me forward to face the Atman Inquisition. “First off, for those who don’t know, this is Dez. She’s had a pretty rough morning, so please be considerate. Introduce yourselves. Be welcoming.”

I take a step back, grabbing Crosby’s arm tight as the electric grip of panic sends my mind’s wheels spinning.

No. No way. Do I really want a bunch of dead friends?

He drags me forward without missing a beat. “Be sure to check your message centers in a couple of hours. I’m going to be sending you informational pamphlets on link-bursts. You can get in touch with me or any member of the SGA staff if you have any questions. Anyone have any right now?”

The room is silent.

“Okay, then.” Crosby pats me on the back after extracting himself from my iron grip. “Go mingle.” He gives me a little push toward the group.

“Where are you going?”

“Not far. I’ll be joining you all for a bit this morning.” Crosby walks over to Herc and takes the open seat next to him. He reaches over to clap him on the shoulder, but Herc wraps his arms around a throw pillow and sinks low in his chair, glowering.

A man in his late forties steps up, looking completely out of place with his casual Friday appearance and head of gray hair. He has an easy gait that exudes confidence and purpose. He offers me a warm handshake.

“Hi, Dez, I’m Franklin, the floor advisor here on ninety-five. You feeling better?”

I nod. “A bit.”

“Good to hear. Well, we don’t stand on ceremony. We just throw you in the deep end.”

Great. Let’s just jump right into this nightmare.

The boys playing air hockey take seats at a table, and Hannah and the twins sit on the couches with the other group of girls.

“Why don’t you take a seat, and we’ll get started,” Franklin tells me.

The only open space left is on a loveseat next to Charlie.

Oh, boy.

Charlie pats the cushion, inviting me to sit. I hurry to the spot, trying to avoid eye contact with all these new people.

Franklin addresses Herc. “It’s your turn to recite the daily reflection, so why don’t you get us started?”

Herc scowls. “Pass.”

“Come on,” Franklin says. “You haven’t done it once. Just give it a try.”

Charlie and Herc exchange a look. “Do it,” Charlie mouths. Herc shakes his head.

“Herc?” Franklin’s expression turns stern. “Last chance. You are the controller of your fate.”

“Pass.”

“Suit yourself.” Franklin nods to Crosby.

Crosby stands. “On your feet, Herc.”

“Screw you.” Herc’s eyes glimmer with spite. “Oh, wait, you’d probably like that, right?”

Crosby ignores the jab. “Stand up.” He reaches for Herc’s arm.

“Don’t touch me,” Herc snaps. “I don’t want to catch what you have.”

Crosby takes a step toward him. He towers over Herc. “There are two ways we can do this, but the end result is going to be the same.”

Herc takes his time getting to his feet, a malicious smirk on his face. “All right, don’t get your panties in a wad.”

Crosby points toward the elevators. “Let’s go.”

We all watch in silence as Crosby escorts Herc off the floor. The moment the elevator doors open, everyone turns back to Franklin as though a collective case of amnesia swept through the group.

Franklin claps his hands together. “Let’s get back to business.” He scans the group, stopping on a brunette with long, straight hair and angular features. “Jessica, you want to fill in?”

“No problem,” she says with a prim smile. She clears her throat. “With open hearts and clear minds we march toward destiny, ever forward—a journey of one made strong by all.”

“Thank you, Jessica.” Franklin directs his attention back to the group. “This morning, we’re going to do a simple little exercise on the process of letting go. I want you all to close your eyes, get comfy, and open your minds.”

Everyone obeys, so I join them, settling back against the couch and pushing Herc and Crosby from my mind.

“Letting go is a big topic,” Franklin says, “but we’re going to focus in on one single thing today. I want you to search deep down in your hearts, in the darkest recesses of your minds, and find the one thing you’re most afraid of. Your biggest fear. Think about it. Let it in. Let it run a little wild in your imagination.”

Gravel digs into my cheek as the cold advances, spreading from my fingers and toes to my chest.

“Now repeat after me,” Franklin says. “You do not control me.”

“You do not control me,” the group repeats.

I can’t speak. I can’t breathe.

“I am my destiny. Fear does not determine my fate.”

The black washes over me, not just a color, but a sound. A rushing, churning din of terror.

My eyes dart open. I sit up with a gasp.

“Whatever you saw, Dez,” Franklin says, “I want you to close your eyes and let it back in.”

“No,” I say, trembling.

“Just try.”

“I can’t!” I jump up from the couch.

“Have a seat, Dez,” Franklin says, with very little niceness left in his voice.

“I—I need to get out of here.”

Charlie opens his eyes and reaches for me, but I flee, with the gazes of my new floormates burning into my back.

I’m in a chair by a window. My knees are pulled up to my chest, and my feet balance on the edge of the seat cushion while I balance on the edge of sanity.

Footsteps approach.

A shiver runs up my back. No. Not Gideon again, please.

“Just go back, I’ve got this,” Charlie says in a whisper from an aisle over. “One of us hovering is bad enough.”

“She’s my roommate, Charlie. Your raging hormones can wait.”

“Knock it off, Hannah. You know me better than that.”

“Oh, do I?” She exhales hard. “Fine. Have it your way.”

Her stomping feet make a harsh echo in this quiet, tucked-away section of the library.

Charlie rounds the corner and spots me.

“I can’t do this, Charlie.” My voice shakes, sending a tremor from my scalp to my toes.

He sits on the floor at the foot of the chair. “It’s hard for everybody. Especially when you’re brand new.”

I hug my knees. “I don’t want to be here.”

“I know how overwhelmed you feel, but we only have a few minutes before … ” He glances down at his bracelet.

“Before what?” I ask.

“Just come back with me. Please?” He looks over his shoulder.

I follow his gaze. “What’s going to happen?”

His blue eyes are full of worry. “Franklin only gave me ten minutes to bring you back.”

“What happens in ten minutes?”

Charlie hesitates.

“Just tell me,” I say.

Anger flashes in his eyes. “He’s going to call for RPS. He was going to do it right away—we can’t throw off their precious schedule, after all—but I talked him into letting me find you.”

“They think I’m unstable, don’t they?”

Charlie helps me to my feet. His warm grasp leaves me torn between fear and excitement, dread and exhilaration. “Don’t worry about what they think. You’re going to be okay.” He steps back and glances over his shoulder again, still holding my hand. “We’re almost out of time. We’d better get back.”

“Everyone is going to think I’m a freak.”

Charlie smiles. “You’re barely a blip on the freak radar. Have you seen some of the people around here?”

He coaxes a nervous laugh out of me. “Okay, you win,” I say. “Let’s get out of here before they sic Gideon on me again.”

Franklin is assigning the group into pairs when we return. “Glad you could join us, Dez,” he says. “You’re just in time for Three P.”

“Three P?” I ask Charlie.

“Partnership Path to Progress,” he explains. It’s the next thing on the schedule after Morning Meditation.”

“Charlie, you’re with Ethan today,” Franklin says. “And Dez, you’re with Abbey. I’ve already handed out today’s assignments, so they’ll fill you in.”

Charlie joins a heavyset boy of about sixteen who has a head of thick, dark hair at a nearby table. A short, stick-thin girl waves to me from a table near the edge of the library, her blue eyes glimmering with enthusiasm. “Over here, Dez,” she calls.

I traipse over to the table, debating whether this really does beat the alternative of taking my chances with Gideon and Eliza.

Abbey points to the empty chair across the table. “Have a seat.” She slides a worksheet over to me. “So, how you holding up?”

I shrug. “Okay, I guess. It’s been a pretty crazy twenty-four hours.”

“I know, right?” She nods in sympathy and gives me a sickly-sweet smile. “Don’t worry, it gets a lot better. Plus, Hannah’s a great roommate. She’s an old pro around here.” She looks over at Hannah, beaming.

Hannah is seated two tables over from us with a freckled girl who has long, strawberry blond curls. I smile at Hannah and wave. She scowls back at me.

Okay, then.

“So, Dez,” Abbey says, “I hear you had a little run-in with Herc yesterday.”

Herc again? “I really don’t want to rehash the whole thing,” I say.

Abbey pouts. “Not even a teensy detail or two? I’d love to hear it. Herc’s a dirtbag.” She puts her hand over her mouth. “I can’t believe I said that. I’m usually the nice girl around here.”

I throw an exasperated glance Hannah’s way, but she’s giving me the cold shoulder.

“Don’t we have something we’re supposed to be doing?” I ask.

“Oh, right.” Abbey giggles. “That’s me, always distracted by gossip.” She looks down at the worksheet. “You’re getting tossed right into the Franklin regimen.” She slides a pen over to me while I read.

With your partner, discuss self-help tactics that will assist afterlifers in their transition to the dormitory setting. Be prepared to offer at least six examples when you present your findings to the group.

“Afterlifers?” I ask.

“That’s a Franklinism.” She leans across the table and lowers her voice, yet somehow she still sounds like a cheerleader leading a pep rally. “It’s his way of trying to be relatable,” she says. “He thinks he sounds more like a teenager when he calls us that.”

My head begins to throb; my shoulders are heavy with the weight of this nightmare existence. The assignment and the perky partner I’ve been assigned, the daily reflection, and the propaganda posters practically screaming at me from every direction are just about enough to send me fleeing again. “Can’t this place give me a break? Just a moment’s peace?”

“Acceptance and cooperation, Dez.” Abbey taps her temple with the pen she’s holding. “Don’t forget.”

Her words ring familiar, but with all the slogans and rules swimming through my mind, I can’t place them. The cumulative effect of this place is dizzying. “I need to get out of here,” I say. “All these people? All this BS, rah-rah, ‘we’re all one’ crap? How can anybody stand it?”

Abbey frowns. “Oh, so you’re one of those girls.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She replies in a careless, breezy tone. “You know, the chip on your shoulder, loner, non-conformist, the-world-owes-me-something types.” She manages to make even that sound perky.

“And you’re one of those girls,” I say.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, the acts sweet but talks behind your back, superficial, judgmental, gossipy type.”

Abbey stiffens. “You don’t even know me.”

“Exactly my point. You don’t know a damn thing about me, who I am, what I’ve been through, any of it.”

“So you’re looking for pity? Because there’s nothing special about being dead. We all are, so you’d better get used to it.”

The girl sitting with Hannah turns to us. “Knock it off,” she says. “She’s dealing with enough right now, so dial it down a bit, would you?”

“Stay out of it, Kira,” Abbey snaps. “Besides, I’m just saying what all of us are thinking.”

My face goes hot with anger and my hands tingle as I swallow back acrid fury. I force my palms flat against my thighs. “I know we’ve only just met, but this is not the day to be pushing me, Abbey.”

“Let me give you some advice, Dez.” Abbey’s voice is flat and even, all signs of bubbly enthusiasm gone. “You’re going to have to learn how to get along around here. Blowing up at every person for every little thing they say isn’t going to make you any friends, and eternity with no friends is not something I’d like to experience. Would you?”

“It’s nine twenty-eight, so you should be wrapping things up,” Franklin announces. “Since we’re running a bit behind today, we’ll go over your answers during Sharing Circle.”

“I’m going to be late for my meeting with Kay,” I say, shoving the worksheet back at Abbey.

I walk over to Hannah and grab her hand. “I need to talk to you for a second.” Not giving her the chance to ignore me, I pull her to her feet and head for the elevators.

When we’re out of range of prying eyes and ears, she opens her mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand. “I know you’re not happy with me right now, but just let me say this.”

She plants her hands on her hips, frowning.

“You’re my roommate, Hannah, and one of a whopping two friends I have here. I know he means a lot to you, more than I realized. I’ve only just met him, but … I don’t know how not to need Charlie right now.”

“Well neither do I.” She turns her back on me and walks away.