CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

It’s amazing how a little earth-shattering shame can give perspective to a disagreement among friends. Yesterday’s fight with Hannah, spilling over into one with Charlie, seems silly and pathetic in the light of day.

Hiding in my bed seems to be my only option. After the humiliation of Crosby’s lecture, and getting both Charlie and Bobby in trouble, I can’t face anyone, and I can barely deal with myself. Gossip is a form of currency around here, and I can only imagine what everyone is saying about me.

How long can I stay here before someone drags me out of bed? I have every intention of finding out.

My first rebuff is aimed at Hannah, who shows up not long after I’ve slunk back to our room, a mess of humiliation and tears.

The door opens, and I’m quick to build a blanket and pillow fortress around myself.

“Dez?” I can hear her creeping across the room, as though she’s approaching a cornered animal instead of a devastated roommate. “I know things have been rocky between us, but I’m here if you want to talk, okay? You don’t have to go through this by yourself.”

“Please leave me alone,” I moan.

“Charlie and Crosby told me what happened.”

“Please, Hannah. I just want to be by myself.”

“Crosby feels bad about how things went down. He didn’t tell me much, but I know it wasn’t how he wanted it to go.”

She would have made a great … what do you call those people who talk other people off ledges? She’d have been good at that. She has the perfect voice for it.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about anything. All I want is to go home.” Two steps forward, fifteen steps back. My new reality.

“I hope you know you can trust me. If you want to talk, I’m here to listen. Okay?”

“Is this what it’s going to be like? Forever?”

“Absolutely not.” Her voice gets closer. “They push us from the start, drilling us with the schedule and the rules, but eventually we all wind up right where you are now. You are having a normal reaction to the most intense experience you’ll ever go through. Think of it like you’re in rehab. You’re going through life withdrawal. Kicking the habit. Once you get over the hump, you’ll feel better.”

I let out a soft, exhausted whimper. Hannah shows mercy and leaves me in peace.

How much time has passed? Hours? Days? It all runs together, and, at this point, I don’t care. Between the regret, the humiliation, and the longing for home, my schedule is full. It’s gotten dark and light again, maybe a few times, maybe not, but I refuse to check my bracelet, and have yet to give in to DSR. The side effects Bobby warned me of—disorientation, drowsiness, nausea, and tremors—come in waves, ebbing and flowing like the tide.

Hannah has come and gone, but I’ve long since lost track of how many times. She tries over and over to talk to me, but I’m a wall of stone.

This time around, though, she’s brought company.

“Hey, Dez.” Charlie’s voice is cautious as he approaches. With the agility of a cat, he makes his way across the room and sits down on the edge of my bed.

I’m too exhausted to be startled by his sudden appearance at my side, but I press my pillow hard against my face, trying to hide. “Charlie, please don’t. I don’t want you to see me like this.” The humiliation of breaking down in front of both him and Crosby is more than I can take.

His gentle hand rubs my back. “I know how it feels, Dez. You don’t have to do this alone. Remember what I told you about my first week?”

Nothing can break through this funk. The shame and humiliation of sneaking off to the city, misjudging Charlie, and royally screwing up with Crosby is probably going to keep me in this bed forever.

“I can sit here with you, if you’d like.”

“Not right now, please, Charlie.”

“Okay, but I’ll be back again in a little while to check on you. Deal?”

I shrug, but don’t know if he can see it through my cocoon of blankets and pillows.

True to his word, Charlie comes back a short time later. Hannah lets him in, but leaves us alone.

He calls to me from the couch. “Will you come sit with me, Dez?”

“No.” Until I’m dragged out of this bed, I’m not budging.

“Please? You need to get up and get moving again. Nothing’s going to get better until you at least get out of bed.”

“I can’t.”

“You can. You’re strong.”

“I told you, I don’t want you to see me like this!”

The side of my bed sinks as he sits down. “What are you so afraid of? This isn’t like life, Dez. You can’t get by on your own stubborn will. We all need each other, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you’ll start to feel a lot better. That’s why we’re all here, together. You don’t have to be ashamed to cry in front of me. Or scream, or rant, or anything else you can think of.”

All I want is to be alone.

“Have you heard how I died?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “I was at a party. Senior graduation blowout. Everyone was drinking, acting like idiots. You know how those things are. Plus, my eighteenth birthday was only six days away, so double the trouble, right?

“The party was out in the middle of nowhere. This kid lived out on a little hobby farm, and his parents chose that week to go on a cruise. They left right after the graduation ceremony. I mean, who does that? One of the many highlights of the evening was when my buddy Chris jumped off the roof of the barn. Lucky for him, he hit a pile of hay bales, so he managed not to break his neck. Banged up his hip pretty good, though.”

Charlie rubs his fingertips across my back as he tells his story. I stay huddled under the blanket; my one concession is moving the pillow away from my face.

“I had found out the previous fall I had a heart murmur. I had an athletic physical for hockey, same one I had every year, and that time they found it. They did a bunch of tests, but didn’t seem too worried. They just wanted to keep an eye on me.

“Anyway, back to the party. Chris comes in the house after his stunt, and says, ‘Did you guys see me? I jumped off the roof!’ None of us believed him, so he went out and did it again. He twisted his ankle that time, but he was fine.

“We all went back in the house, and Chris pulls this little envelope out of his pocket. He says, ‘You really wanna fly? Try one.’ I asked him what he had. It was ecstasy. I’d never tried it before, but I popped one in my mouth. I don’t know if it was a bad batch, or my heart, or a combination of the two, but here I am. Dead because I was lured in by the worst line ever. Pretty stupid, huh?”

“Your stupid doesn’t cancel out mine. Do you not remember what I did? Going to the city, getting you and Bobby in trouble, and—” I’m too embarrassed to go on.

“It’s over. Don’t even worry about it. We all did dumb things, otherwise we wouldn’t be here, right?”

He rubs my back and I try to muster the strength to say something. Anything. “Herc was right. It was a car accident,” I whisper.

Charlie pulls the covers away from me. He reaches over to smooth my braids away from my face.

I sit up. He slides over and puts his arm around me. We lean back against the headboard and I settle into his arms. His strength bolsters me just enough to make the pain and fear bearable. He feels warm and secure, and at last I feel safe enough to talk.

My voice quavers as I begin to speak. “I was driving home. The weather was cool, but I had the windows down because it felt like spring was coming. The air had that smell, you know?” My cheek rests against his chest.

Charlie nods. “Those kinds of days were always my favorite.”

The words pour out as I tell him everything: the shame, the fear, my terrifying last moments. He strokes my hair as he holds me, trying his best to console an inconsolable girl.

“I was so scared. There was so much blood and my arm was mangled. … ” I try to block out the memory.

“We all make mistakes, Dez. Sometimes it takes just a second to change things forever.”

“I don’t do things like that. I’m always so careful.” I wrap my arms around him, desperate to hold on to something real.

“It’s okay now.” He holds me tight as I fight against the fear and my aching desire to go home.

“What did I do? My mom and dad, they’re so—”

“They’ll find a way to be okay, Dez. You have to believe it. You can’t let yourself go crazy worrying about them, or you won’t be able to get through this yourself.”

“I saw them.”

“Before you died?”

“No, when I had the link-burst.” My cheeks burn at the recollection of collapsing in front of everyone, the embarrassment still fresh in my mind. “And then in the pod.”

“Tell me,” he whispers into my ear.

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

My body shakes from head to toe, but I manage at last to get the words out, and I tell him everything. Charlie sits quietly, listening with unending patience to every last word.

“Did the pod hurt you?”

“I felt pain, but I think it was from my parents. It was too much.”

“I don’t get why they even have those things in the first place, especially in some dive bar. They have to serve some purpose.”

I sniffle. “Not like they’re ever going to tell us, though.”

“Are you really going to let it go?”

“I don’t know.” I rub my face to clear the heavy fog muddling my thoughts. “My mom and dad were picking out my casket. What was I thinking, listening in on that?”

Charlie brushes his fingers against my cheek. “You don’t have to deal with this alone. Not anymore.”

“That’s what scares me more than anything.”

“What do you mean?”

The words stick in my throat. “I … I can’t.”

“Come on. You’ve come this far. Just let it out.”

“I don’t want to get too close.”

“To me?”

I nod.

“Too late,” he says. “But why is that a problem?”

“Aside from breaking the rules?”

“Well, yeah. You’re not going to let that stop you, so what is it?”

“You’re going to leave. Hannah, too. You’re going to get your tickets out, and I’m going to be stuck here.”

“Separation is only temporary. Don’t forget that. After this, we’ll all be together again. Besides, I’m pretty sure you’re the toughest girl I’ve ever met. You’re going to be fine.”

I pull away and prop myself up with pillows. “You must have hung out with a lot of wimps if you think I’m tough. I used to be, maybe, but I don’t know what I am now. You and Hannah are my only friends, so sorry if I don’t share your optimism about how I’ll be without you here.”

Charlie looks down at his bracelet. “I’m not going anywhere for a while, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay?”

I reach for his wrist, but he hides it under the corner of the comforter.

“What did they do?” I ask, afraid of the answer.

“We can talk about it later.”

“Let me see.”

“Just don’t freak out, okay? It’s really not a big deal.”

I pull his arm out from under the blankets.

LEVEL 02-002-322

My heart sinks and fresh tears well up in my eyes. “What did I do?”

He takes my face in his hands. “I’m the one who followed you. This is not your fault.”

“Why are they punishing you for my screwups?”

“Don’t worry, I’m a big enough screwup on my own. You were just the icing on my cake of rebellion.” He manages to coax the tiniest of smiles out of me. “Feeling better?” he asks.

“If I say yes, are you going to try and make me get out of bed?”

“Dez, you can’t stay in here forever.”

“Sure I can. You think I want to go out there and face everyone? You’re crazy.”

He slips his arm around my shoulders. “There isn’t one person out there who hasn’t been through this same thing. I promise nobody will think less of you.”

“Really? You mean everyone else sneaked into the city, used a communication pod, and brought down the unholy wrath of Crosby upon themselves and their friends?”

“Well, maybe not that, exactly, but I promise nobody’s going to judge you.”

I pull back and give him a frown. “I can think of two somebodies who will be more than eager to do just that.”

“Okay, well, my roommate and Abbey aside, everyone else will be fine. Now come on.”

“I’ll go sit on the couch, but I’m not going out there.” I cross my arms. Discussion over.

He throws his hands up. “At least it’s in the direction of the door.” He leans over to give me a hug.

Hello, butterflies. Where have you been?

“Well, I have a few people I need to talk to. I’d better get going,” he says.

“Who?”

“It’s nothing to worry about. I’ll be back a little later, okay?” His hand slides down my arm and he squeezes my hand as he stands to leave.

“Charlie?” I call after him. “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t even sweat it. I’ll see you soon.”

Keeping my word, I get out of bed.