CHAPTER FORTY

I’m sitting across a table from Charlie in our tower’s cafeteria, watching him wolf down another Frisbee-sized doughnut while I try to recuperate from the marathon infodump I just endured. Out of the blue, it hits me. My forgotten project. The thing Bobby can’t possibly know; the big thing that is enough to convince him. I hope.

“Higgs boson!”

Charlie wipes frosting from the corner of his mouth. “Higgs what?”

“Bobby!”

“Huh?”

“The Large Hadron Collider. It was built to do the latest research in particle physics, right?”

“Uh, sure, but why are we talking about science all of a sudden?”

“This collider they built—they use it to whip beams of protons around at almost light speed, and then smash them into each other, which releases energy and creates new particles.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“My Bobby project. Hannah told you, right? Coming up with something big he wouldn’t know?”

“Right.” Charlie takes another bite. “So we’re smashing protons together and making new stuff.”

“Exactly. Through this process, scientists have been trying to spot the Higgs boson. It’s what they believe gives matter its mass. But nobody had ever been able to prove it existed.”

“Okay.” He furrows his brow, and I can see I’m losing him.

“You may have heard it referred to as the God particle. The big news is, they’ve found it.”

“And this is earth-shattering?”

I frown. “Well, it’s pretty big, and for sure the best I can come up with.”

“Well then, I say go for it.” He gives me an encouraging smile and a frosting covered thumbs-up.

I pop out of my chair like I’m spring-loaded. “I have to go find him.”

Walking out of our tower and into Jhana Park, I remember the advice Kira offered to help ease the transition to death: make time to really take in your surroundings. I look up and pay close attention this time. The sky is a brilliant turquoise, rich and deep, swirling with shades of blue and green. It moves and churns, ebbing and flowing like an ocean. It seems to have a life, a pulse, and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to notice it.

Taking in such beauty makes it difficult to focus on anything else, but I’ve come to the park for a reason. Jhana’s my best shot at finding Bobby, and it’s also a good excuse to lose myself in serenity for a while. The peace and solitude is a welcome change from the chaos and fear I’ve been drowning in this past week. Having no one hovering over me or asking me to share my feelings is a nice bonus. There is something to be said for a little alone time, even when you’re dead.

The bank of the stream is soft under my feet, and a warm breeze kisses my skin. It’s a short walk to Bobby’s favorite spot, but he is nowhere to be found. I stop to dip my fingers in the water. Koi swim there; their orange and black bodies move at a lazy pace.

Kira was right.

A rustle in the bushes behind me is followed by a loud squawk. Turning around, I spot a familiar bird. “Is that you, Pip?”

He screeches at me. Was that a yes? “Sorry, buddy, I don’t have anything for you. You’ll have to wait for Hannah.” Another loud squawk. Am I being told off by a bird? “You could fend for yourself, you know. There are fruit trees all over the place.” With a flurry of feathers, he takes flight, landing at the top of a nearby tree. If I didn’t already know better, I’d swear he was Franklin’s spy.

I complete my circuit of the park, taking in the sights, sounds, and smells. The lush flowers, the towering trees, the glimpses of wildlife—they all give me the feeling I might make it through this. I may not have found Bobby, but the serenity of the park combined with the relief of knowing my mom is still alive has returned a bit of peace and sanity to my world. I feel refreshed and the tiniest bit closer to accepting my death. Maybe.

My search of Jhana complete, I return to the dorms to continue looking. I step off the elevator and make a beeline for the library, but stop when I come upon Shawn. He’s sitting on one of the couches along the library’s perimeter and tells me Bobby’s in their suite.

I’m a little rattled again as I head to their door. In all the chaos of these past days, I’d nearly forgotten about my quest to convince Bobby that Atman is real, but now that I’m about to make my case, I’m feeling nervous. Nobody has been able to convince him in eighteen years, so why should I be any different? And why do I care so much?

Pushing my doubts aside, I knock on the door. Bobby is quick to answer.

“Why, Dez, to what do I owe the pleasure?” He gives me a slight bow.

“I have it. The proof you need.”

“Well, by all means, do come in.” Bobby and Shawn’s room looks identical to mine, except for the piles of neatly stacked books and journals surrounding Bobby’s bed. “Have a seat,” he says as he ushers me to the couch. He sits on the edge of one of the recliner chairs. “So, what wonders of the modern world do you have for me, Dez?”

“The Higgs boson.”

He looks puzzled as he runs his fingers through his shaggy hair. “I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I am afraid Professor Higgs’s theory is one I am quite familiar with.”

“I know.”

“Hmm.” He taps a finger against his chin.

“You obviously know about the collider program. I know it was just getting started when you, uh … ” I search for a polite way to say something so awkward.

“Said my final goodbye?” he asks.

“Yeah, that. Sorry.”

“For what? I’m the one who pulled the trigger.”

It’s been years since it happened, but his casual discussion of his suicide makes me squirm. “Well, anyway, they finished the Large Hadron Collider a few years ago, and, after a few initial hiccups, it’s been up and running for a while.”

“How interesting.”

“And after a period of serious doubt and a lack of results, well, they’ve spotted it. The Higgs boson.”

“Fascinating.” Bobby sits in silence, calculating a response. He stares off into space for at least five minutes while I wait for him to speak. “I am quite sorry, Dez.”

“What do you mean?”

“While your information is quite compelling, and your concern most noble, I am afraid I remain unconvinced. It is not inconceivable, and actually quite likely, the existence of the Higgs boson would be confirmed.”

I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling, defeated. Was it pure foolishness or simple arrogance that had me convinced I could make a difference with him? Hopefully it was just my desire to be helpful, but, whatever it was, I was pretty naïve to think I could outsmart one of the greatest minds in modern history. “There’s nothing I can say to change your mind?”

“I am afraid that would be highly improbable.”

“Does the fact that they’ve found a large quasar group four billion light-years across do anything for you?”

“Intriguing, but no.”

Now it’s my turn to sit in silence, contemplating a response. Bobby grabs a journal and begins to write, as if he’s forgotten I’m here. “Bobby?”

He looks up from his writing. “Yes, Dez?”

“You win. It’s clear I can’t convince you by some scientific means this is all real. You will always find a way around any breakthrough I try to present.”

“I am afraid that is precisely so,” he says with what seems to be a hint of genuine sadness. “May I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

Bobby flips to a blank page in his journal, pen at the ready. “Why are you so intent on changing my mind?”

His question is one I’ve been asking myself. “I don’t know, Bobby. There’s something about you. Maybe it’s a piece of me still clinging to home. I may not have known you in life, but I knew of you. You’re something real, something tangible from the living world. Something familiar. And here you are, stuck. I lived my entire life in the time you’ve been here. It’s … it makes me sad for you.”

“I am not in need of your sympathies. If not fully satisfied, I am quite content here. The city will never disappoint, always waiting with new sights, sounds, and possibilities.”

“Can I try one last thing?” I ask. “If this doesn’t work, I’ll let you be, although I hope we can still be friends. I really like your company.”

He puts his pen down, giving me back his full attention. “You are more than welcome to make any additional arguments you see fit. I find your company most enjoyable, and will always welcome the sort of lively conversation we’ve been sharing.”

“Thanks.”

“It is my pleasure.”

Preparing one last argument, I steel myself for whatever may come. As my dad would say, I’m about to throw a Hail Mary. “Let’s say you’re right, and this is all some sort of manifestation of your mind, bored in a hospital bed.”

“It is the prevailing theory.”

“Have you asked yourself why I’m here? I mean, if I’m a creation of your mind, have you considered that your subconscious could be trying to tell you something? Why am I so persistent? Why am I approaching you from the basis of science? Maybe it’s because I’m you. Maybe you’re telling yourself it’s time to let go. With all that remains the same here, I’m an anomaly, right? Perhaps your mind is aware it’s trapped in a decaying body kept alive by machines, and it’s telling you the one thing still keeping you here is your own stubborn determination to solve the ultimate equation. Maybe giving in is the one thing you haven’t tried, and the only thing that will work. The one way out to the darkness, the quiet end you were searching for when you took your life.”

Bobby leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. “That is quite compelling.” His voice is so soft it’s hard to hear him.

“You’re a scientist. Why don’t you conduct an experiment of cooperation? Participate in the sessions, go to your job assignment, do everything you’re supposed to, and track the results.”

“I am abashed. I can think of no reasonable counterargument, and am rather surprised I did not come up with this on my own.”

“Well, if you believe I’m a manifestation of your own mind, then you did come up with this.”

“An excellent point.”

“Besides, every great mind needs inspiration. Maybe you’re Newton, and I’m the apple clunking you on the head.”

“I quite like that idea.”

I stand. “You want to come with me?”

“Where shall we go?”

“How about we take the first step in your experiment?”