During the next week, Ellen’s back stopped hurting, Gabi became more cheerful, Rafaela scowled less and kept looking at Ellen like the cat who got the canary to take a goddamn nap, and Ellen’s mood lifted so obviously that her coworkers pointed it out.
Who could have known that sleeping in an actual bed, eating actual meals, and having another person to help her would result in less stress and a better life overall? Ellen certainly hadn’t known. She’d thought this was the sort of silly thing romantic movies pretended was true when actually real life was never easy.
“But apparently it is easy sometimes,” she muttered to herself, peering at the eggs she was frying for their breakfast.
“Making food?” Rafa asked her, knocking her aside with a hip to get to the fridge, a sleepy Gabi dozing on her shoulder. Ellen had to take a step to the side not to fall—Rafa was so much shorter, why was she so much stronger? She could probably pick Ellen up without breaking a sweat.
“Life in general,” Ellen said, firmly slapping the thought away, because she was always blushing around Rafa and Rafa always zeroed in on it like Ellen’s stupid pink blotchy face was a Monet painting or something. “I’ve lived alone for so long, I guess I forgot what it was like…”
“How long?” Rafa asked casually, turning away so Ellen wouldn’t see the deep scowl on her face.
Ellen found that charming enough to indulge her. “17,” she admitted. “There was a thing with bills, after Aunt Glory died… anyway, here’s breakfast. Can you do the laundry today? I know it’s my turn, but…”
“Sure,” Rafa said, brightening adorably like she did every time Ellen dared to ask for anything. She was, Ellen couldn’t help but note, so sweet. She didn’t remember Rafa being so sweet. She mostly remembered Rafa trying to eat bugs.
Sweet and confusing. Who wanted Ellen to foist her chores onto them? A mystery.
She sighed and closed her eyes, telling herself to remember this moment. She’d need this sweetness to get her through lunch with her uncle today.
***
Uncle chose a day she couldn’t spare and a restaurant out of the way from anywhere she went, of course. She managed not to be late, for all the good it ever did her.
She walked up to him. His eyes snapped up to her.
“I’ve been here for ten minutes already,” he said coldly.
“I’m sorry,” she said, sitting down. “You look good, Uncle.”
He did. He didn’t really look like Miry, who had taken after her black mother while he was as white as Ellen herself, but Ellen still saw her sister in the shape of his eyes, in the cut of his jaw. She always missed Miriam when she saw him.
“You too,” he said grudgingly. “At least the bags under your eyes are smaller. How you’re managing that with that toddler is beyond me.”
Ellen kept her smile fixed on her face. She had to tell him. He always found out and it always made everything worse. “My girlfriend’s been helping a lot. We’ve recently moved in together.” His eyes went wide. Ellen marched on before he could interrupt, because maybe if she softened things up it wouldn’t be so bad— “I figured that my small studio wasn’t a good space and that getting a roommate would—”
“Since when do you have a girlfriend?!” he interrupted. “Now you’ve moved in with her? You shouldn’t be moving in with some strange girl because you were stupid enough to completely mess up your life taking in a random toddler, dragging her down with you! Who even is she? You can’t just live off this woman’s generosity, you don’t even pay your phone bills! I do! When she gets fed up with this it’ll bring trouble for the whole family! Honestly, it’s like you’re twelve instead of twenty!”
Ellen heard all of it without interrupting, hands clutched together hidden under the table. Every point of his punched a hole into the contentment she had found since moving in.
How could she have fooled herself into forgetting all of this? He was completely right. Rafa might be happy now, but she would start resenting Ellen before long.
After all, her Uncle did.
“I know this isn’t a long-term solution,” Ellen allowed, trying her best not to agree with the rest of what he said, not because he was wrong but because it hurt. “But for now, things are stable and me and Gabi are doing well.”
“You better know,” he snapped. “If you’re doing so well, then I’m taking you off the family plan for the phone. Money is tight at home, you know I can’t spare a cent.”
Ellen finally lost the fight with herself and let her eyes drop to the table between them. “Okay. I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner. How about you visit us when you can, this week or the next? You can meet Rafaela and see the apartment.”
It was a last effort to show him she had things handled. Thankfully, he nodded.
“Fine. I don’t have a lot of time to spare, girl, you know I’m always working. But I’ll open a spot for you.”
Ellen nodded back. She was already making mental plans—budgeting for the phone expense, pondering what would be a good long-term solution—but most of her mind was focused on a single fact: Uncle had reacted badly to Ellen moving in with Rafa, but not to Ellen taking in Gabi itself. It was a surprise. It was such a relief Ellen wanted to cry.
***
Ellen tried not to let her bad mood show once she got home. Though her Uncle’s words had affected her deeply and basically fucked up the contentment she’d found this past week, the last thing she wanted was for Gabi to notice and grow anxious, or worse, for Rafa to notice and try to pry the story out of her.
Of course, Rafa knew she had met her uncle, so the first thing she did once Ellen got home was try to pry the story out of her.
“It went fine,” Ellen said, smile strained. She knelt down to catch Gabi when the toddler came running toward her, effectively cutting off her convo with Rafa. “Hi, Gabi. I’m sorry I couldn’t pick you up today.”
“Rafa picked me up and we had ice cream and she gave me pebubutter an’ jam samich,” she exclaimed, loud but serious, like she was imparting crucial information. Ellen couldn’t help but smile at the way she mangled the words from how fast she was speaking.
Her uncle hadn’t had a problem with Gabi. Ellen breathed in deeply and resisted the urge to clutch the baby to her chest.
“She’s bribing you for your affections,” she said, affecting a sad tone of voice. “Is Rafa your favorite now? Are you forgetting poor Ellen? I guess with your ice cream and sandwiches, you won’t want the chicken nuggets I bought for you…”
“I want!” Gabi shouted directly at Ellen’s ear.
Ellen laughed and stood up, hoisting the baby onto her lip. Rafa was standing in front of her with her arms crossed and a deeply unimpressed look on her face. Ellen smiled vaguely at her and went to the kitchen heat up the nuggets.
“It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it,” Rafa lied badly, glaring at the microwave in an effort not to glare at Ellen. Usually Ellen would find this charming enough for the upset to melt right out of her body, but right now she didn’t know what she was feeling.
She was upset that Rafa’s plan of fake dating had backfired and Uncle had absolutely hated it. She was relieved Uncle had focused on it instead of Gabi. She was afraid that he would have focused on Gabi if the dating thing hadn’t come up.
“If that were true, you wouldn’t be asking,” Ellen said, then closed her eyes. She hadn’t managed to stop the words from bursting out, but at least she stopped herself from saying them in a snap. “It went all right. Mostly,” she allowed, giving Rafa what she wanted as an apology.
Rafa didn’t seem to know what to make of Ellen right now. She took Gabi from her and set her on the ground, muttering that she should go wash her hands. Gabi sent her a too-adult look that said she wasn’t fooled but obediently toddled away.
“So it went terribly,” Rafa translated, glare deepening. These lines around her face would become permanent someday, and Ellen would laugh. She still flinched from the glare, too tired to control it. Rafa immediately took a step back and shifted her eyes to the microwave again. “You just don’t look all right! What did he say? Did he not believe the girlfriend thing?”
“He believed and absolutely hated it,” Ellen muttered, staring down at the plate of nuggets in front of her. She pinched the bridge of her nose. “He didn’t really bring up Gabi, though, which is a relief. I’m trying to focus on that. And I invited him over to have dinner somewhen.”
“Hated it?” Rafa asked, pissed off like she was personally offended Uncle Carl hadn’t liked her lie. “What’s his problem with it? Is he homophobic?”
“Not at all, it’s just…” He’s pissed that I’m using you for money and you’ll hate me and cause problems for the family. She couldn’t say it. “It’s not that. Look, Rafa, you’ll meet him when he visits, then you can see for yourself.”
“Fine,” Rafa grumbled like it wasn’t fine at all. “Tell me when so I can schedule my things—I invited my cousin for a visit too and it’s better we don’t have those two in the same room together.”
“Connor?” Ellen asked. She didn’t know what to make of this man. Rafa sounded very attached to him, but Ellen didn’t remember meeting him or even hearing about him when they were kids.
“Yeah. The family tattled immediately, anyway, I went to work and he started scolding me about how I should focus on getting my degree and doing well at work and how this is not the time for relationships, much less something this serious.”
Ellen flinched. Those were all reasons she hadn’t wanted to impose on Rafa like this, and now Rafa’s family agreed with it and would hate her and—and Rafa, unlike other times, was not disagreeing.
Rafa was rolling her eyes fondly instead of shouting or growing angry at her cousin. She didn’t even realize Ellen’s flinch, too busy talking about how amazing older cousin whom she loved would absolutely hate Ellen.
Ellen realized, sudden like a lightning strike, that she really had been a fool.
She had managed to suppress her own fears, mostly. She could learn how to manage the fears that her Uncle had brought back to the surface. She might even had learned to bear the disappointment and anger from Rafa’s family. But the way Rafa was acting, fond and even pleased with her cousin, was too much for her.
She really had been a fool to think that things would be different from Rafa. They weren’t kids anymore. She couldn’t bear Rafa resenting her and hating her for asking for too much, like it would inevitably happen. It would inevitably happen. She shouldn’t have forgotten.
“I’m glad you have your cousin looking out for you,” Ellen said, smile strained. “Anyway, can you pick Gabi up tomorrow as well? I’m going to talk to my boss about getting more hours at work, and then I have to talk to a few professors about lengthening some deadlines.”
Rafa blinked, realizing Ellen’s shift in mood. “What? No. You moved in precisely so you wouldn’t have to do that stuff.”
“We can’t live here forever,” Ellen said firmly staring at the microwave instead of at her roommate.
“What the fuck did your uncle say?” Rafa asked hotly. “Now he’s got you talking about moving out—you’ve just moved in!”
“What about your cousin?” Ellen asked in turn, turning her face away. “Is he wrong? You do have classes and work—”
“So do you!”
“It’s not the same,” Ellen argued. “You know it isn’t.”
Rafa grabbed her wrist. Ellen startled—she hadn’t realized Rafa had gotten so close. She was clutching at Ellen like she’d disappear otherwise, staring at her with wide dark eyes. She looked—
Not afraid. Not really. She looked like she had no idea what she had done, so she had no idea how to fix it, and was feeling too much about it for it to be described as fear. Ellen felt her heart break clean in two, looking at her; she knew Rafa would hate her eventually, but she didn’t hate her yet, and for now she obviously wanted Ellen to stay.
How Ellen wanted to stay. How she wanted this sweetness to last forever, instead of slowly corroding like she knew it would.
“But you don’t have to do that now,” Rafa tried. “Right? At least? You just moved in! You’re supposed to get some rest! There’s no need to go thinking like this now. Even if you’re thinking that, that this isn’t good for the long-term, we’re still in the short-term, so you don’t have to think about it!”
Her fingers were digging into Ellen’s skin. It hurt. She wanted so bad for Rafa to keep holding on. She’d do anything, accept anything, if only Rafa would stay like this forever, wanting her to stay so much that she’d clutch at her like this. Ellen would stay for her, in this apartment, in her pocket, anywhere she wanted, as long as Rafa stayed close to her and didn’t let her go. And they could be the family they had talked about years ago, too-serious and too-heartfelt the way lonely children were.
Oh, no, Ellen thought, because she realized all those thoughts and feelings could only mean one thing: she was in love with Rafaela.
“I can’t stay here forever,” she said, swallowing nothing.
“You can’t just leave now,” Rafa argued, moving to grasp her other wrist as well.
Ellen couldn’t deal with this right now. Her body drooped with emotional exhaustion and she looked away.
“All right,” she said.
Rafa’s face slackened with relief, making her look all of twelve. Ellen tried to smile at her and wondered how much Rafa would hate her in the future when she learned Ellen had been lying, and would start looking at new apartments soon.