Rafa wasn’t proud of it, okay, she usually tried to be a good caretaker and give Gabi interesting puzzles or educational toys to occupy her with in the times she was alone with her and watching recordings of classes she missed to be at home with the kid (which her professors were allowing because her grades had, if anything, gone up after she started doing this, thank God). But today, Rafa felt like a limp noodle someone had severely overcooked, so she plopped the toddler in front of the TV and called it done.
She proceeded to pay about zero attention to the class she was supposed to be watching.
Gabi, in turn, proceeded to pay zero attention to her cartoons also. Not ten minutes after Rafa had put her to watch TV, she toddled over to her and tugged on her shirt.
“Sorry,” she said quietly. “I know you’re in class so you need to be good and quiet so we can have ice cream and play later.”
Rafa paused the video with a sigh. She dropped a hand to Gabi’s head. “It’s okay,” she said. “You’ve been talking more, huh, Gabs?”
“I know how to talk,” Gabriela said, offended. “I’m not a baby.”
“Yeah, okay.” Rafa picked her up and settled her on her lap. Gabi insisted on facing her instead of the computer, though; what did she want, then? Rafa had assumed she’d wanted to watch bunny videos or something.
“Are you leaving?” Gabi asked, then looked away. “You’re not an Aunty.”
Rafa’s heart sunk to her feet. “What? No. Who said anything about leaving? Did—did Ellen say anything about leaving?”
“You were fighting yesterday,” Gabi told her with a tiny baby frown. “And Ellen was crying and she said her Uncle is mad at her. And she said we’re a package now.” She swung her little feet, watching them instead of Rafa. “She said you and I, we’ll always be together.”
“You and her,” Rafa said numbly. “But not me.”
“Are you leaving?” Gabi asked, eyes snapping up to her. They were red.
Oh, fuck, Rafa thought. “Don’t cry!” she said, drying her chubby baby cheeks even though they weren’t even wet yet. “I’m not—it’s—it’s different with me.”
She wanted to tell Gabi she was never leaving. But that wouldn’t be true, would it? She felt like someone had stabbed her, but that only thing hurting her was her own inability to—to do something. But what was there to do? Ellen was the one who didn’t include her.
“You’re not an Aunty,” Gabi said loudly. “You said, and I hate—” She paused, then pouted. “I like Aunties,” she said instead, touching her pointer finger to her thumb, “this much.”
Rafa was startled into laughing. “What! Oh my God, you are such a good baby. Who taught you that?”
“Teacher Van says hate is a strong word,” Gabi said. “You’re not an Aunty so don’t leave me,” she said quietly, snuggling forward so her nose was buried in Rafa’s shirt. “Don’t leave.”
“I…”
Rafa was mercifully saved from having to answer this properly by the ringing of her phone. However, since she could not have nice things ever, it was an invitation to a video-call from her family. Fuck. She checked the date and the time. She’d forgotten they’d been planning on doing this now.
She accepted it, propping her phone up on the desk, and tried to smile.
“Hi, Rafa,” her mother said distractedly, eyes on a bowl of something she was whisking at her elbow. “Sorry about how short this will be, I’m in the middle of making a pie for this birthday party Teddy’s going to tomorrow—oh.”
Her eyes fell on Gabi, who had turned around to peer at the phone. Her smile visibly became strained, and so did her father’s, who was the only other person in the call.
“Ha-ha, maybe it’s for the best,” her mother said awkwardly. “Since it seems you’re busy too.”
“You’re still with her?” her father asked, making it evident to all present how much tact he possessed, which was none.
“I’ve got her right now, yeah,” Rafa said. “I was, uh, doing some class assignments actually,” she told them instead of telling them she was catching up with class, because someone perfect like their Rafaela never needed to catch up with class.
“I see,” her mother said.
They all grew quiet.
Gabi kept looking from the phone to Rafa like she knew there was something wrong and that the best thing she could do was be quiet for it. Rafa held her close and kept up her smile instead of sighing, or worse, crying, like some sort of lunatic.
She was just so goddamn tired. She only ever wanted a family, but she couldn’t hold onto any of it—not her dead parents, not the family friends who raised her for them out of duty and with a zero drop of love, not the cousin who cared for her but had apparently rejected her years before she knew him, and not Ellen, who had left her as a child and was pushing her away again now.
“I guess we’ll talk later then,” Rafa said.
“Yeah,” her father said, and the screen went dark.
***
Days passed and she and Ellen didn’t really speak about anything important. Part of Rafa was relieved, since that meant no fighting, but most of her just felt tense. Things would explode somewhen. The very air felt like there was something growing in it, something waiting.
But meanwhile Rafa got to cook Ellen breakfast and kiss her messily against the fridge, so she’d take what she could get. She was selfish like that.
When the weekend came, Rafa was surprised to wake up to Gabi doled up in her cutest outfit (oh my God are those bunny ears in that jacket) and Ellen wearing her nicest pair of pants.
“Shit.” She remembered: “We’re seeing her Gran today.”
“We’re seeing Baba today!” Gabi shouted.
Rafa hurried off to get dressed and tried not to think about how it had looked like Ellen had been planning to leave without her.
***
It took Lola a second to open the door after Rafa rang the bell of her small, very old house. It became evident immediately that this had been because the woman had been waiting for them right next to the door and not because of any agility, because it took her about six full minutes to shuffle from there to the kitchen.
Why was this woman living alone? Rafa instantly became pissed with her children, who weren’t helping her. Looking at Ellen, though, Rafa realized she looked relieved—because the woman clearly hadn’t been lying about having a good reason to give Gabi to someone else? Somehow, she thought it wasn’t because of that.
(It was because she clearly had no way to try and get Gabi back from her.)
Gabi was peering around curiously but warily, mostly hidden behind Ellen’s legs, like she didn’t remember this place at all. Which made sense—she’d probably been so small when she’d last been here.
Then Lola ushered them to sit down at the tiny kitchen table and set a full orange cake, still steaming from the oven, in the middle of it. The smell of it hit Gabi like a frying pan to the face, slapping memories into her brain.
“Baba!” she shouted, and jumped directly into the fragile old woman’s arms.
Rafa managed to grab her and hold her weight instead of letting it crash directly onto the elderly citizen’s body. Lola didn’t seem to notice, though—she took Gabi from Rafa with a laugh and the two of them clutched at each other.
“Thank you,” Lola said, happy tears in her eyes as she held her granddaughter for what could very well be the first time in ears. “Ellen, thank you. I’m so happy—I’m so relieved that my Gabi has you, that you are taking care of her. She needs someone and I know I can’t be that someone… She needs stability. I know it was sudden and it must be very hard, and I’m here for anything you need—if she needs someone to take care of her for an afternoon now and then, and I can cook, and I have money set aside for her—but she needs more and I’m so happy you’re going to be there for her.”
To be her mom.
“Gabi is everything to me,” Ellen said with a small but firm smile. “I’d do anything for her.”
“That’s what she deserves,” Lola agreed.
Rafa felt her stomach drop to her feet.
That was what Gabi deserved. What was Rafa doing? She couldn’t keep toeing the line like she was. How much would it hurt Gabi, to have Rafa nearby but apart from her, not devoting herself to her like she deserved? Staying out of fear?
Connor was right. It hurt to think it, but Rafa couldn’t bear to deny it anymore. She looked down at the table and let the conversation of the others wash over her ears. Connor had been right to stay away until she was bigger, until she could understand what was happening—instead of letting her see, as a child, that he had chosen not to keep her. How much would it have hurt her, a baby who wouldn’t be able to comprehend it?
This wasn’t fair. But what else could she do? She’d only hurt Gabi—especially since Ellen was pushing her away, anyway.
Maybe she should do what Connor did. Maybe not so extreme—she could see Gabi now and then, as a distant aunt, a family friend—but she couldn’t pretend to be her sort-of-mother-maybe-guardian-or-live-in-babysitter anymore.
Neither of the other three, as happy to see each other as they were, noticed that she stayed mostly quiet the whole visit long.
***
Rafa went to tell Connor before she told Ellen, an impulse she wasn’t keen on exploring. Things were too strained with Ellen, anyway—Rafa didn’t want to add to it. So she stayed quiet for the rest of that weekend, glad that at least both Ellen and Gabi were happy at seeing Lola and that their meeting had sped up some of the guardianship stuff, and when Monday came, she made her subdued way to Connor’s office.
He didn’t scowl when he saw her, which was surprising. Maybe he just caught something in her expression and realized she wasn’t here to argue or complain, even if she’d been trying her best not to let her face do anything.
“Hey,” she said.
He stood up and ushered her to the armchairs in the corner by the shelves instead of letting them sit at his desk like it was a work meeting. She sighed and peered at the books beside her—all about civil engineering, some about construction and others about history. All responsible and relevant, as expected of him.
“What happened?” he asked brusquely, because it was an effort for him to show concern in any normal human way.
It still made her smile.
Surely it’s not a bad decision, she thought, to allow Gabi to have something like this with me in the future, even if it means I won’t be there so much for the present.
“I’m going to step away from things, after all,” she told him, keeping her eyes on the books and resisting the urge to pull her knees to her chest like a child. “I’m not ready to take care of a child and it really isn’t fair for her. I’ll still… be around, some, and help with some things, but… it’s not fair to her for me to be sort of a mother but not really, like a nanny but not really, and not even anyone from her family.” She bit her lip. “I haven’t told Ellen yet.”
“You’re doing the right thing,” Connor said.
The tone of his voice made her look up at him with shock. He was smiling. That was a relief; he had heart, and—pride? Was he proud of her for making this decision?
Rafa felt like someone had released helium balloons in her stomach, something inside her rising light and bright with happiness.
“I told you it’d be hard,” he said, putting his hands on her shoulders. “But you’re doing the right thing. Look, I wasn’t going to invite you since you were busy with this whole thing, but I’m leaving in a couple of days to check up on a project in another state. I’ll be there for a week. It’s not too late to arrange things so you’ll come with me.”
Rafa’s eyes widened. To go with Connor to check up on a project in his area, when he had been keeping her with Kaya doing boring shit? She felt a bit like Christmas had arrived early.
“Come with me,” he said, lifting a hand to pat her hair affectionately. “Leave this behind and go back to your life. You love your work, don’t you? I bet you’ll love this trip.”
“All right,” Rafa said, helpless to say anything else. “I’ll go.”