Ellen had known it would happen. She had been bracing for it ever since she had first met Rafa again months ago.
It still caught her by surprise when Rafaela come up to her on a bright morning, one hand holding a cup of coffee and not looking her in the eyes, to tell her she wouldn’t stay.
“I’ve thought a lot about it and I think it’s best that I take a step back,” Rafa said quietly, almost inaudible under the sound of Ellen’s heart shattering in her chest. “I’m not ready to be Gabi’s mom and it’s not fair to her not to give it my all. I’ll still help! I’ll still—be around. I just can’t… be that.”
“I see,” Ellen said hollowly.
She had never thought otherwise—it wasn’t like Rafa was signing the guardianship papers with her, much less adopting Gabi properly. But—
“Also,” Rafa continued, a smile lighting up her face, “I’m gonna leave for a work trip in a couple of days, stay there a week! Connor invited me, and his area is the one I want to work with, so I’m so excited—”
Connor, her cousin. Connor, her family. Connor, who hated Ellen and was probably more than happy to see Rafa slipping through her fingers.
Ellen was so fucking tired of being put in second—third—fourth place, always behind people’s real families. Something inside of her snapped and broke, and fury rose in her chest like a wave.
“Then go!” she shouted. “I knew you’d leave eventually, you’d go back to your life because we’re too bothersome to deal with! Your Connor hates me so much, I bet he was super happy when you told him you were leaving me!”
Rafa’s expression twisted in guilt and rage. “All I ever wanted to do was keep you! You’re the one who left me, I’ve been helping you for ages but you still keep pushing me away, what am I supposed to do? Don’t blame me for stepping back when you won’t let me step closer!”
“I’m not blaming you, I’m saying I knew it’d happen,” Ellen sneered. “It really isn’t fair to Gabi for you not to give her your all. Don’t worry, you don’t have to still be around. We’ll move out like I’ve been planning to and you won’t have to think of us ever again.”
Rafa reeled back as if slapped. “I didn’t mean to say I’d just disappear from your lives!”
“What did you mean, then?” Ellen snapped. “We can live together, we can’t have a relationship if you don’t want to be a figure in my daughter’s life.”
Gabriela burst into tears.
Ellen’s expression fell and she turned around. Gabi had woken up and was hiding behind the couch, having heard it all. Ellen rushed to her side and picked her up, trying to sooth her.
“It’s okay,” she murmured. “We’re done talking, it’s okay. We’ll go see Miry now.”
“So you’re just leaving?” Rafaela said.
“Yes,” Ellen snapped.
“Fine. Fine! I’ll pack my things now and stay with Connor until we leave so you won’t even need to look me in the face until I’m back, if you’re still even here!”
And things ended between them just like that.
***
Ellen took the bus, since she didn’t have the car anymore, and was too tired to care that every other passenger was pissed at how Gabi wouldn’t stop crying. She took a long while to calm down. Ellen just held her and closed her eyes, trying not to feel anything.
Miry knew something was wrong immediately, even though by then Gabi had stopped crying and Ellen’s face was as blank as always.
“I need to talk to Uncle,” Ellen said, because now things were over with Rafaela, she could fix everything that went wrong with him. “Do you know if he’s home?”
“He is,” Miry said. “But… what’s wrong?”
Ellen shrugged. “Can you take care of Gabi while I’m there? I swear I won’t take a long time.”
“I don’t think he’s going to listen, Ellen,” Miry tried.
“He doesn’t have any more reason to be angry,” Ellen said, eyes on the floor.
Miry immediately understood what that meant… but for some reason, that only made her look more anxious.
“Ellen,” she said, gathering her courage. “You know it’s not Rafaela my father had a problem with, right? He said so, but…”
But Ellen didn’t want to hear.
She’d broken up with Rafa, so she would get her family back now.
“Here are your things,” she said, giving her sister the bag she’d been holding. “Take care of my kid. I’ll be back soon. I’m going to fix things, Miry. You’ll see. Then we can be sisters again.”
***
The family house was as huge as she remembered. It had looked positively monstrous when she’d first come here, twelve and terrified that she’d believe Uncle’s words that he’d adopt her for good just to end up alone again. But he hadn’t left her, after all. (Not until she turned 17.)
This place had never truly been comforting, but it was everything she had of home. She was trembling with the thought that she’d be allowed back. Surely she had done enough? Surely she’d waited enough, done enough? (Sacrificed enough?)
She rang the bell and waited. She waited a good ten minutes before Uncle realized she wasn’t budging from there and opened the door for her. He scowled down at her, displeased that she hadn’t had the good sense to obey him and stay away like he’d told her to.
“I need to talk to you,” she said before he could open his mouth. “It’s important.”
He took one look at her expression (gutted, resigned, tired) and another at her arms (empty) and reluctantly let her in.
***
He didn’t offer her coffee. He didn’t sit down with her in the living room. He led her to the office, again, like she was some work acquaintance instead of his kid. But that was fine. That would change now. Ellen was holding onto this thought with a panicked desperation she didn’t have the mind to examine. Everything would be all right now.
(Rafa had left her.)
(Ellen was still wearing her mother’s earrings. Even if they don’t want you, I do. I’ll keep you—)
“So?” he asked brusquely, sitting down behind his desk.
“I broke up with Rafa,” Ellen told him, not sitting down. She smiled. “I’m going to move out soon. You were right. She wasn’t… I shouldn’t have moved in with her. You were right. But I’ll do as you said now—I’ll move out and forget her.”
He didn’t look relieved. Or proud. He waited, a muscle flexing on his jaw. But he’d look relieved soon. In a second. When he understood that she was doing as she’d been told and that meant he could bring her home again.
“And the kid?” he snapped when the seconds stretched.
“Gabriela?” Ellen asked with a blink. “What about her?”
“Are you really leaving the toddler with that woman?” he asked, annoyed. “She’s not part of the family. Do you understand what your aunts and the grandmothers will say if they learn you left the kid with a stranger? At least take her to a cousin! You said Chad left her with you? His sister Cheryl hasn’t kept the kid yet, I think.”
“I’m not leaving Gabi with Rafa,” Ellen’s mouth said before her brain had caught up with the things her Uncle was saying. “She’s coming with me. I’m adopting her.”
Her Uncle’s face slowly went red.
“You have to be fucking kidding me,” he said.
“You said,” she tried, swaying where she stood, “you said—you hate Rafaela. You never said anything about Gabriela.”
“Are you stupid?!” he shouted, standing up and slamming a hand onto his desk. Ellen flinched. “Do you not have two braincells to rub together?! You can’t keep the kid! You should never have let Chad give her to you! You can’t just change everything about your life except the fact you’ll still keep this stupid toddler!”
“Why not?”
He froze, staring at her hard. “What do you mean?”
Ellen blinked slowly, feeling a bit like she was underwater. “Why can’t I keep her?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know,” he snapped.
His expression was possibly the very worst thing she had ever seen. It was a furious thing, yes, but guilty too. Shame clung to every line in his face. Ellen didn’t understand. Ellen didn’t want to understand.
“I did what you asked,” she tried one last time, for all that her hands were loose and her eyes were on the floor. “Can’t I come home?”
He looked away and didn’t answer.
Ellen nodded slowly, turned around, and left.