CHAPTER 9: Am I Rooming with an Ax Murderer?
College roommates can become your best friends or your worst enemies. Most likely as a freshman in college, you will not know your roommate. You may not even have much choice in the matter. You might be sharing a room with one other person or a suite with six other people. No matter what the living arrangement, you are sure to face highs and lows with your roommate or suitemates. You may find you have absolutely nothing in common with your new roomie, or you may instantly click and be best friends from day one until the day you leave for home in the summer. Chances are that you will at some point face some conflict with the person you find yourself living with for the next nine months. Bear in mind that conflicts are normal. Although I cannot begin to offer solutions for every situation that might arise, I will offer sound advice gathered from many sources on how to deal with the most common roommate issues.
Roommate Questionnaires
Many colleges have freshmen fill out roommate questionnaires so that they can attempt to match you up with a roommate who complements your personality type. The college will try to pair you with someone it feels will work well with you. Because the college does not know you any more than your unknown roommate does, it is important that you do not lie on the questionnaire. Do not claim to be a skydiving fanatic if you have only watched skydiving on TV. If the college does pair you up with a thrill-seeker adventure type and you are more a stay-in-bed-and-read type, you are likely to face some conflicts down the road. Do not answer the questions with how you would like to be or even how you think you will be in college. Fill out the questionnaire for the person you are right now.
After You Know Your Roommate
Try to arrange a phone conversation with your roommate before move-in day. During the conversation, discuss what items you both plan on bringing with you. Some of these items you will be able to share. You both will not need to bring a TV. You may decide that one of you will bring the TV and another will bring a DVD player. Depending on the size of your room and the furniture provided by the campus, you should also discuss who will bring the following items: couch, microwave, mini-fridge, coffeepot, and small folding table (for eating, cards, and other games). Try to split the list evenly and be willing to compromise on the items that you hoped to bring. Ask your roommate when he or she plans on arriving to campus. There often is a move-in period, during which freshmen are allowed to start moving in. You may be moving in on the first day allowed, and your new roommate may not be getting to campus for a few days to a week later.
When you arrive in the dorm room, try to wait until you both are present before you start staking claim to beds, desks, and other room territories. You may think that the first one there gets priority claim, but your roommate may disagree. Do not start out the year with a fight or disgruntled roommate. Do not forget that you have nine months to live together. If there is one bed or desk that is obviously better than the other, consider a fair way to decide who gets which one. Suggest drawing straws for the best spot. You might also consider switching halfway through the year.
Case Study: Roommates
Alan Acosta, Residence Coordinator
University Housing, Florida State University
Alan Acosta said his first piece of advice to students is to not judge a book by its cover. In the age of Facebook and MySpace, campus housing departments have seen an increase in the number of concerns (mostly from parents) where a student decides he or she does not want to live with a roommate because of something on the roommate’s online profile, even before they have met.
If the housing department sends a student the roommate’s contact information, Acosta said the student should talk to the roommate and get to know him or her. Roommates should start talking about as many things as possible before moving in, such as what items they will bring, what items they can share, and what they will need to live successfully in the room. Acosta also tells residents that if any problems arise, moving out of the room should be the last option. He advised students to try to talk it out with their roommate, get a housing staff member involved, and do their best to try to make it work. Going through that process will possibly resolve any conflicts in a more effective manner than moving out will. Finally, Acosta said, students need to be willing to compromise. Too many students come into the halls with a “my way or the highway” attitude that makes things difficult for all the roommates and housing staff. Students should try to see things from the other person’s point of view and be ready to work with a roommate to set up the living space, according to Acosta.
Eric Booth, M.A., Director of Residence Life
Reinhardt College
Eric Booth recommended that students be up front about their expectations and life style. He said students should show as much respect as they would like in return and not talk about their roommates behind their back because it will come back to them.
Kelly R. Doel, Area Coordinator
University of Central Florida
Freshmen should attempt to communicate openly with their roommates from the beginning, Kelly Doel said. Students should not forget that everyone grows up differently and brings a unique perspective with them to college. Having roommates is an excellent opportunity to learn about new cultures and traditions. She reminds students that just because you are roommates does not mean that you have to be best friends, and having mutual respect for each other will help when dealing with conflicts that may arise.
Jay Goodman, Graduate
Pennsylvania State University
Goodman never had to face roommate questionnaires. He had known his freshman roommate since the eighth grade. Although some experts advise against rooming with a best friend, it worked out well for Goodman.
Ashley Chittum, Sophomore
Tennessee Wesleyan College
Ashley Chittum lived in an all-girls dorm her freshman year of school and roomed with a girl on her volleyball team. Although they shared a common sport interest, Chittum said they were complete opposites. Despite this fact, they got along well. For her sophomore year, Chittum will not be rooming with the same girl but said they are still friends. Her suggestions to freshmen included talking to their roommates about any issues that might arise. She said students should let their roommates know up front what they like and do not like.
Carolynn S. Nath, Area Coordinator
University of Central Florida
Carolynn Nath recommended that students ask themselves how much time they plan to spend with their roommate(s). She said students should analyze whether
they want their roommates to be a “social outlet.” Students who do not plan to socialize much with their roommates because they are focused on academics should seek out someone compatible who honestly is in same mind-set.
Parents should not fill out their student’s housing applications, as that can lead to major roommate conflicts. Although parents may have good intentions when filling out a questionnaire, Nath said they might put a student down on paper as something he or she is not (i.e., a non-smoker and early riser who does not like to party). Students need to be honest and fill out the paperwork themselves.
Matthew Gramling, Sophomore
Oglethorpe College
A Protestant, Catholic, Jew, and Buddhist all rooming together. No, this is not the set up for a joke. This was Matthew Gramling’s freshman year roommate experience. He said they soon were all joking about their differences and that they never had any serious conflicts. His school offers a roommate constitution, but even with this eclectic mix of backgrounds, Gramling and his roommates did not need it. He advised that students talk to their roommates about any issues that arise. If they cannot resolve the conflict at that level, they can talk to their RA, who can mediate a discussion between roommates. As a last resort, roommates can ask to move dorm rooms when issues cannot be resolved any other way. One tip he offered is for roommates not to take things from each other without asking.
Frederica Anderson, Sophomore
Savannah College of Art and Design
Frederica Anderson advised that students should respect each other and each other’s privacy. She said students who have issues with their roommates should talk to save headaches in the future.
James Johns, Professional Student
Georgia Highlands College
James Johns summed up how to deal with roommate issues in one word: communication. He said he spent much time being angry at someone for something so little when he should have just approached his roommate and talked with him. He also stresses that respect is key to any living scenario.
Ryan Thompson, 2008 Graduate
Southern Polytechnic State University
Freshmen will have to adjust to roommates and make sure they set agreeable rules and respect each other, Ryan Thompson said, and remember that everyone will be adjusting to the new living situation.
Getting to Know Each Other
When you both have chosen your respective areas and have moved in, you will start unpacking and decorating. Take this time to also start getting to know your roommate. Be open-minded with your roommate. You may come from two entirely different walks of life. You might at first think you have nothing in common with your roommate, but do not be quick to judge. Allow you and your roommate time to get to know each other. You might end up being surprised about how much you have in common, even if you are a country boy and your roommate is still sporting the Goth look. Bear in mind that you both applied to and were accepted into the same school, so that must mean your college thought you both were the right material for that school. Your commonalities might end there, but at least you have that.
Ask questions, but do not grill the person. You are not holding the Spanish Inquisition, and your roommate is not a criminal (at least you hope not). Find out where your roommate is from, what activities he does for fun, why he chose this college, what kind of music he likes, and if he is a morning person or night owl. Again, be open-minded if your roommate answers questions differently than you would. You are just as weird to him as he is to you. Be yourself and be honest. If you do not judge him, chances are he will not judge you either. Give yourselves time to get to know each other, and try not to force a friendship.
Set Some Ground Rules
Do not be rude about it or too assertive (like you are trying to tell him he has to live by your rules), but suggest that you both sit down and create some rules for the dorm room. Make sure you both agree on any rules you decide to implement. If there are items you are sensitive about (such as never make fun of my mom or use my toothbrush), tell your roommate; ask your roommate what his pet peeves are. What are the things he gets most upset about? What is his stance on inviting friends over? When are most of his classes? Will you need to set some quiet times for your room that are different from the dorm hall once in a while? It is best to discuss issues before they become issues. Talking about rules before anyone’s feelings are hurt should help prevent problems before they happen.
Not Too Close
Do not assume your roommate is automatically your new best friend. Plus, do not cling to his or her side. Make sure you both meet other people and have experiences that do not include the other one. You will spend plenty of time together over the next nine months. If you try to attach too much too soon with your roommate, you run the risk of not meeting anyone else and getting sick of each other before you are a quarter of the way through the first semester.
Case Study: Roommates or Old Married Couple?
Jay Goodman
Penn State Graduate
About three weeks before freshman orientation week, Jay Goodman was playing playoff baseball when he got cleated tagging someone out at second base.
About a week later, he went in for reconstructive elbow surgery and came out with some prescription drugs and an immobilizer from his shoulder to his hand with a waist attachment to keep his arm from flailing around; even his pinky and ring fingers had to stay wrapped. After the swelling came down and the drugs kicked in, he started packing for college with one good arm.
Moving in was not that bad for this one-armed-bandit; there is only so much stuff you can fit in the tiny dorm rooms. One of his best friends, Jeff, who lived two blocks down the street in his hometown, was going to be his roommate. So loading up the van, driving the two hours to their new home, and unpacking went smooth for the most part.
One gimpy roommate was classic enough, but on the second night at school Jeff and Jay went to a party. Inebriated, Jeff decided it would be a grand idea to jump down a flight of steps. Thus, Jeff went home for a few days to get his knee scoped and some cartilage removed. When he came back, 709 Snyder Hall became Gimpville.
He came back the same day as move-in day for non-freshmen, so their dorm floor was finally filling up with more people. They did not know anyone, so they headed to the cafeteria for dinner by themselves. This trip soon became a pathetic comedy fest as they got to the line. Jeff was on crutches as they waddled through the line to fill their trays. Jay carried Jeff’s tray to the table and then went back to gather his own. Jay could not recall what they had for dinner, but he said whatever it was required cutting. “Ever try to use a knife to cut food with one arm?” Jay asked.
He slid his tray over to Jeff, and Jeff cut his food as if he were a three-year-old. To top it all off, Jeff joked around, playing the airplane game with Jay’s food.
At this time, Jay noticed the eyes focused to the two of them with giggles and chuckles coming in from all 360 degrees. After putting himself in their shoes for a moment, Jay started laughing too because he knew they had to look like an old married couple helping each other out with the most minuscule tasks.
Well, it did not end there. Jeff had to carefully wrap Jay’s arm with plastic wrap every time he took a shower, and Jay had the duty of waking up when Jeff did just to tie his shoes before he went to class. “Fortunately,” Jay said, “it was still summer, so I could get away with T-shirts and dress myself, otherwise, that would have led to another ridiculous routine.” On Labor Day weekend, both guys went back to their hometown because they both had follow-up appointments with their surgeon. They shared the same surgeon, and he squeezed them in on a Saturday because they were now out-of-towners. The doctor knew Jay and Jeff were roommates and was joking around how they most likely lived like an old married couple. Jay said, “I doubt he knew how right he was.”
On a side note, after about two or three days of this cafeteria comedy routine, a group of sophomores from Jay and Jeff’s floor decided they had enough chuckles and joined their table for lunch. Jay said they remained good friends throughout their years of school.