A stiff breeze blew by Hester Honeywell’s ear, insistently tugging at a dark blonde ringlet, but her blue eyes never strayed from their target. The string of the bow clasped between her fingers strained for release and Hester took a breath to steady herself.
Careful. Take your time.
She could sense the onlookers ranged on either side, eight or so faces pink from the cold. Her younger sister, Diana, host for the afternoon and young mistress of the Farleigh estate, was the only person not watching intently for the shot, far too busy charming the sole single man in attendance with her wit and gleaming smile—although not, Hester thought wryly, for her own benefit.
Poor Diana. She won’t be able to rest until she’s found me another husband. If only she’d believe me when I tell her she’s wasting her time.
What was this one’s name? Hester could hardly remember, more interested in the tiny cloud each breath made as it rose from her mouth. Another man to be danced beneath her nose, her well-meaning but meddling sister hell-bent on marrying her off once again, whether Hester wanted it or not.
And she most certainly did not. Widowhood had suited her very well indeed these past five years, and the freedom to live without an unreliable man’s hand on her shoulder was something far too precious to give up—even if it had come at the ultimate cost.
‘Are you going to shoot any time this decade? The Regent will be crowned before you let that arrow loose!’
The voice of Diana’s husband, Lord Lavendon, issued at Hester’s back and she tensed her jaw on a retort. Closing one eye, she surveyed the distance between her and the target set a good fifty yards away, trusting the calm rhythm of her pulse for the perfect chance to strike.
On the next beat—now!
She slackened her gloved fingers and watched as the arrow sliced through the chill air, flying straight and true to bury its head in the very centre of the painted circle. The collection of bystanders broke into polite applause and, turning, Hester raised a brow at her brother-in-law.
‘Was that worth the wait?’
‘Not too bad, I suppose.’ Lord Lavendon gave a grudging smile, no stranger to their good-natured rivalry. ‘But still room for improvement.’
‘Improvement?’ Diana piped up indignantly from her perch, immersed beneath several blankets on a chair beside Sir What’s-His-Name. ‘Hester is the best shot of all of us. Don’t you think she has a fine arm, Sir Matthew?’
Hester battled the instinct to roll her eyes.
I think it’s time for me to leave. A well-timed headache should do it.
‘Thank you, Diana. I can always count on you to think the best of me. With that in mind, I’m sure you’ll forgive me for breaking up the party—I’d like to return to Shardlow House now, before the wind grows stronger. My head is beginning to ache.’
She surrendered her bow to her brother-in-law, answering the goodbye bows and nods of those standing about her with a neat curtsey. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Diana rise quickly.
‘You’ll stay a while longer?’ Diana’s voice was low and warm with persuasion. ‘We haven’t even had luncheon. I’d planned to seat you by Sir Matthew. You’ve so much in common, and I know you’d find each other good company. You can’t mean to leave already, surely?’
‘I’m afraid I do. You know better than anyone that I can’t bear the cold.’
‘Then we’ll go inside into the warm! I daresay nobody else wants to shoot anyway.’
Hester glanced over her sister’s shoulder at her unwitting suitor, who seemed mercifully oblivious to Diana’s plans. Broad and florid of face, with dark hair rather than fair, the difference between this man and the one Diana schemed to replace was so stark Hester might have allowed herself a grim laugh. There was no likeness whatsoever between Sir Matthew and the late Nathaniel Honeywell, the latter tall and fair and handsome beyond all sense. Surely Hester could be forgiven for having fallen in love with him at first sight, an eighteen-year-old’s innocence giving her no clue as to what would come after he’d slipped a ring onto her shaking finger.
The split-second memory of that fateful moment never failed to make Hester’s throat tighten, this time no exception, but there was little point in revisiting that day. Ambitious, cold-hearted Nathaniel lay somewhere at the bottom of the Atlantic along with the Celeste and her crew, with no trace left behind to mark the exact spot where the Honeywell Trading Company’s merchant ship had sunk, and his untimely death had set Hester free of one who had brought her so much pain with his indifference and pride.
Diana pursed her lips, thankfully unaware of the direction of her sister’s thoughts. ‘You’re quite sure you won’t stay? Not even another hour?’ One look at Hester’s face, however, was enough to make her sigh. ‘Very well. At least let me walk with you to the gate.’
Arm in arm they crossed the sparkling lawns, the wind flattening their skirts against chilled legs. Hester’s feigned headache threatened to become real as a draught whistled in her ears, dull pain beginning to gnaw her already frayed temper. Thoughts of Nathaniel never improved her mood, a complex mixture of resentment and regret only fanned by her sister’s unwanted meddling.
‘I wish you’d stop interfering, Diana. When you invite me I never know whether it’s for my company or an ambush. I won’t keep coming if you carry on.’
Diana’s smooth brow creased in unconvincing confusion. ‘In what possible way am I interfering? Or ambushing you? I can’t think what you mean.’
They had reached the gate that led on to Farleigh’s kitchen gardens and Hester laid her hand firmly on the latch, barring the way forward. The metal glittered beneath her fingertips, the crisp scent of frost and damp earth a delicious combination that still couldn’t soothe her irritation.
‘Husband-hunting. As well you know. I’ve money and a house of my own now—there’s nothing any match could bring that I don’t have already, aside from more disappointment and grief. Why would I ever be fool enough to allow another man the chance to promise so much yet deliver so little? I had enough of that with Nathaniel—enough to last a lifetime.’
She caught the determined jut of her sister’s chin, the same movement their mother made when Father dared cross her. At barely twenty Diana might be a full five years younger than her, but at times she managed to make those years seem irrelevant, and Hester’s heart sank as she recognised the light of battle in Diana’s eye.
‘Not every marriage is like that—nor every husband. Lavendon certainly isn’t.’
‘Lavendon married you because he loved you—not to secure a deal between ambitious men! A merchant’s daughter could never rise so high as to marry a lord if there wasn’t real affection there, no matter how wealthy Father’s business made us. You know that’s the truth.’
‘Even so. You shouldn’t let your experience with Nathaniel cloud your judgement. Don’t you want to ease Mother and Father’s worries? I know how much they regret brokering the match now, considering the outcome.’
Diana attempted to walk on, but Hester stopped short, jerking them both to an abrupt halt. ‘Mother and Father think they have regrets?’ Her eyebrows rose so high they were almost lost among her curls. ‘They weren’t the ones who had to live with that mistake for two years, hanging their hopes on a smile rather than a scowl from a man who quite clearly never wanted a wife in the first place. Nathaniel only married me for what he stood to gain from our match, and he left me at the very moment I needed him most.’
When she thought now about the first golden weeks of her marriage, when the future had seemed so bright and endless possibilities had stretched out before her, Hester felt an ache beneath the bodice of her gown.
Heaven help her. She’d honestly believed that perfection was real, with her new husband so attentive and her feelings for him blossoming like a flower each time he brushed her fingers or shot her the sideways smile that had never failed to make her melt. She could have watched him for hours, drinking in every line of his beloved face, and the nights when he’d visited her bed were still as vivid in her mind now as they had been then...two sets of uncertain but eager hands, venturing further each time, until every question was answered and the last mystery was solved in a rush of wordless heat now too painful to recall.
Young and naïve as she’d been, how could she have known she was on borrowed time until Nathaniel’s façade of kindness was swallowed up by neglect, all warmth and promise snuffed out like a candle in the rain to leave her nothing but smoke and ruins?
His father’s example. I know that now. If Mr Honeywell were cut open there would be an accounts book in place of a heart, and he made damn sure to bring up his only son in his own bitter image.
The day after Nathaniel returned from a meeting with the cold, intimidating man who had sired him had been the same day Hester watched the door to her husband’s office close in her face and saw how easily she had been fooled. From that moment on everything had changed: far from seeking her out during the day as he had for their month-long marriage Nathaniel had hardly deigned to speak to her at all, instead spending almost every waking hour cloistered away about business he refused to share, and Hester had realised the cruel truth.
All that charm and attention had been nothing but a ruse to trick her papa into entrusting her to Nathaniel’s keeping, bringing the Townsend trading contacts along with her, and once she was safely wed the mask of decency could finally slip. Every act of consideration, every tender glance, even the gentlemanly hand to guide her through a door that had made her blood burn hot...each wonderful hint that he might feel something for her had disappeared overnight, and Hester’s lonely heart had broken at the knowledge he had never intended to return her love. All he’d thought about was the business, withdrawing completely from the girl who would have given him everything if only he’d asked, and his rejection had continued right up until that final day when her life had hung in the balance and still he hadn’t cared.
Would he have mourned if that fever had carried me away? Hester wondered now, perhaps for the thousandth time. I doubt it. After the funeral he would have barely given me a second thought. Only of one thing can I be certain.
‘Do you recall that he never came to see me—not even when I was so ill the doctor couldn’t say whether I’d live or die?’ Hester fought to keep her voice steady, unaware that it strayed instead into harshness. ‘We’d been wed for two years by then and still the business came first, killing once and for all any hope of reviving what I thought, in my stupidity, we could build together. Leaving me a home and my widow’s jointure were the only good things he ever did for me—a better husband dead than alive.’
A climbing vine spread across the crumbling brick wall near to Hester’s shoulder and she turned to it, more to hide her face from Diana than to inspect its brown fronds. The sweet call of birdsong echoed in her ears but Hester was deaf to anything but the memory of her own sobs, those of barely more than a girl as she’d lain alone in her great bed and fear had gripped her, terror her only companion as she’d waited in vain for her husband to come to her side.
At least that will never happen again.
From suffering came strength, and from that strength a spine of pure steel and self-respect no man’s indifference could erode. She was her own mistress—a world away from the trusting girl Nathaniel’s deceit and then apathy had slowly but surely moulded into a dignified woman. Perhaps one day she’d even be able to thank him for it; but not today, when the memories of what had been lost seemed so cold and cruel. For those few glorious weeks she’d dared to dream that happiness might be within her grasp, before he had taken her love and cast it out to moulder like rotting fruit.
A light touch on Hester’s arm drew her away from the shadows of the past, gentle fingertips anchoring her back to the present. Diana hovered at her side, some measure of Hester’s unhappiness reflected back in a matching pair of blue eyes.
‘I’m sorry, Hess. I thought finally, after all this time, perhaps you might consider... But I never should have pushed. I won’t do it again.’
Hester swallowed, her throat tight and head thumping harder than ever. Even Diana’s soft voice, usually so soothing, couldn’t calm the rough sea that churned now in Hester’s stomach, and she shook her head.
‘Is that a promise? I might ask for it in writing. I’m not sure I can trust your word.’
Without waiting for a reply she walked on ahead, fixed now on the gravel path that would lead her to freedom. She might have pleaded a headache, but in truth she simply wanted to be alone, to outrun memories of her previous life and turn her back on days she had no desire to revisit.
‘Hester? At least let’s part as friends?’
The plaintive entreaty in her sister’s voice made Hester turn just before she escaped the garden. Diana stood where she had left her, one hand toying with the leaves of the sleeping vine and looking so earnest Hester felt a sudden rush of love that helped lighten some of the weight pressing on her heart.
Meddlesome, interfering, maddening—but still my sister, and always with my wellbeing at the forefront of her mind.
‘We’re always friends. You know that. But please, Diana, no more talk of husbands. There’s nothing in the world I desire less than a man in my house—and let that be the end of it.’
The carriage juddered violently as it hit yet another pothole, but the man wrapped tightly in a well-worn cloak didn’t complain. Anything was better than that blasted boat. The weeks spent pitching and yawing were mercifully behind him now, and never—never!—to be repeated. The only way he’d set foot on another ship was if he were carried, and it was unlikely anybody looking at his hulking frame would dare to try.
Perhaps it was the broad shoulders that made his fellow passengers in the carriage give him a wide berth, or maybe the leather patch covering one ruined eye was more off-putting. Whatever the reason, nobody seemed eager to speak to him, and he was thankful for the silence as he mulled over the events that had brought him to this point.
Like something out of a novel. Shipwrecks, kidnap, and a man wondering if he can change for the better.
He folded his arms, gazing up at the roof of the carriage as it shuddered down yet another chilly country lane. It was far colder than Algiers, and he almost smiled at the notion of actually appreciating an English winter following his perilous escape. Perhaps there were other things he’d be thankful for now he’d returned, more ready than before to count his blessings...and might that even extend to people, to the faces held in his memory blurred now by the passage of so much time?
I wonder if my parents missed me. For certain Mother did, but Father?
A momentary frown crossed his face, his uncovered eye narrowing slightly as he considered the father who had taught him so harshly what it meant to be a man. From the moment he’d been able to hold a pen he’d been moulded into a copy of that severe figure—an unsmiling giant bent over accounts books with never a kind word to spare for his own child.
There was only one aim in a successful life: to make money, lots of it, and to hold oneself so coldly apart nothing could distract from that single goal. A real man was proud and unbending, focused solely on his ambition and holding his head so high no lesser person would cross him. Sentiment was a useless waste of time, reserved for weak-willed women, and no male of substance would allow it any space in his mind.
A silent grimace twisted his grim mouth.
No doubt my disappearance was taxing more for the lost cargo than a lost son. I would have written to warn them of my return if only I’d had half an idea of what to say in circumstances that defy description.
Outside the carriage window the skeletal trees began to thin as another quaint village rolled into view—a handful of thatched cottages sprinkled with sparkling white. For a moment the scene distracted him from uncomfortable thoughts, something in the peaceful prettiness reminding him of the one other person to whom his mind had so often turned throughout both his captivity and the long journey to freedom.
What would she think of all this?
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and making the passenger beside him shift uneasily.
Not something I intended to consider again after those first weeks. A clean break was what I wanted, after I remembered where my concerns should lie—and that was exactly what I managed.
A fleeting picture flashed through his mind of rustling skirts and glossy hair, topped off by a smile that could light up a room better than any fire.
Loveliest girl I’d ever seen, and clever into the bargain. Small wonder my head was turned and I had to act fast to save myself from being carried away completely.
His mistake had been in getting distracted, getting too close despite his father’s strict instruction and example, and the conversation that had reminded him of his priorities had not been pleasant.
A wife wasn’t someone to dally with—as he should have known. His own parents rarely spent more than a few minutes in each other’s company, and there was no accord between them whatsoever. Pulling away from the intriguing young woman who had made his pulse race and his attention wander from his work had been absolutely necessary, his reluctance all the proof he’d needed that it was the right course. Placing profit over people was the only way to conduct himself if he was to live up to the expectations placed on him since birth. There was no room for anything else but pure business—including the curious sensation that had shaken him every time she’d entered a room—and he needn’t forget it.
And he hadn’t forgotten again, just as he’d sworn he wouldn’t after that unforgivable lapse in concentration at the start. Not for one single day: until his whole life had been turned upside down and he’d realised nothing would be the same again.
The cottages slid away to be replaced once more by trees clawing at the vast grey sky, their limbs waving in a biting wind, but he looked through them as though they weren’t even there.
There were more important things to consider, other questions to pose. Such as wondering what she’ll say and whether I’m different enough now to make amends.
He’d know soon enough. With every clip of the horses’ hooves he drew closer to home—to the place and people he’d dreamed of for five long years—and there was nothing to do but wait.
Shardlow House stood only a few minutes’ walk from Farleigh, a smaller but still impressive residence standing tall above the other roofs of Thame Magna barely twenty miles from London. Nestled behind immaculate hedges its white walls were partially hidden by swathes of ivy, the emerald leaves waving to Hester as she crunched up the wide drive towards them.
It was a house pulled directly from a fairy tale, she’d always thought, although Nathaniel had poured scorn over that particular observation when she’d ventured to make it—as Hester recalled now, with a frown that made her headache worse as she pushed open the green front door.
‘Fairy stories are for children, Hester. It was the price that attracted me to Shardlow House and nothing more.’
She couldn’t help a scowl as an image of Nathaniel’s damnably handsome face uttering those very words flickered before her like the light of a match—one she blew out at once.
I’ve spent long enough thinking of him today.
Hester glowered to herself as the sound of quick footsteps signalled the approach of Arless, her lady’s maid.
Nathaniel took up quite enough room in my thoughts while he was alive. There can be no need for him to linger now he’s dead. All the same...
Diana’s meddling had woken something in Hester that she’d managed to keep undisturbed, locked away in the darkness, but now vague snippets of memories stirred at the back of her mind like fallen leaves.
The first instant she’d seen him, standing so tall and proud in his expensive coat that her heart had almost leaped out of her chest; how her pulse had galloped at Father’s declaration the Townsend and Honeywell trading empires were to be connected by a marriage; the warmth of Nathaniel’s hand as he’d slid it around her waist in a darkened room and sent a thrill down her spine as his lips touched hers for the very first time...
Each memory lasted mere seconds—the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of Hester’s life—and yet they were imprinted into her mind like a blacksmith’s brand. At one time they had been like treasured jewels, but now she wanted nothing more than to forget the very things she’d once thought would always bring her joy, their sparkle dulled by the unhappy years that had followed.
‘Are you unwell, ma’am? You’ve returned sooner than I expected.’
Turning, Hester saw the concern in Arless’ face, kind as always beneath her lace cap. She’d been a loyal presence ever since Hester’s marriage, and her calm competence was something even fine ladies could aspire to.
Hester forced a smile, knowing it must look unnatural as the weight in her gut pressed painfully. ‘A slight headache from the cold wind, that’s all. Nothing a short lie-down won’t cure.’
Arless watched her young mistress narrowly, but said nothing as Hester crossed the impressive hall and made for the stairs. The pale greens and blues of her rooms would be soothing to a troubled soul; or so she hoped, the prospect of an afternoon spent raking over the past something she had no desire to suffer.
‘Could you please see I’m not disturbed? I’ll be up in time for luncheon.’
‘Very good, ma’am. I’ll make sure you’re left in peace.’
The room was warm, with a fire dancing merrily in the grate, and with a sigh Hester folded down onto the embroidered coverlet of her bed. Gazing upwards, she stared at the canopy, its floral pattern so familiar she could have described it with her eyes shut.
Perhaps I ought to shut them now. I might be permitted to sleep instead of being tormented by memories I don’t want, and when I wake Nathaniel’s face might not loom so large as to obliterate all other thought.
It was worth a try. The man who had so enticed and then wounded her might retreat into the shadows if she sought escape in sleep—unless the usual nightmare, of his ghostly hand reaching for her from beneath the sea, returned to frighten her once more. It came less often these days, but all the same Hester shuddered at the idea, a cold chill running through her despite the lively flames.
Drowning was a terrible death, Nathaniel’s naval acquaintances had murmured when they’d come to pay their respects. The thought of it clamped Hester’s chest in a vice of horror and squeezed until she could barely breathe.
‘However badly he hurt me, I would never have wished that end on him,’ Hester murmured, only the damask bed curtains and rich pillows catching her low words. ‘Lost beneath the waves with no hope of proper burial. Never even recovering his body...’
The moment her father had come to Shardlow House at dawn, face white as parchment and his hat in his hand, tried to push itself forward, but Hester swatted it away immediately as though it were a fly.
No. I won’t think of it. I won’t relive the morning Father came to tell me I was a widow at barely twenty years old.
She screwed her eyes closed. Diana had a lot to answer for, her interference poking the hornets’ nest Hester had to conceal each day. It writhed inside her now, insistent, trying to find her weakest point.
Father’s shaking voice. Mother’s stunned silence. My realisation that I’d never see Nathaniel again, would have no chance at all of recapturing what I thought we’d once had—and a split second of guilt, when I wondered if I ought to be weeping instead of simply numb...
The sudden knock at Hester’s bedroom door couldn’t have been less welcome, the prospect of anyone entering her sanctuary at that precise moment one that made her grimace.
‘Ma’am?’ Arless’ voice came from the landing. ‘Ma’am, are you awake?’
‘So much for being left in peace,’ Hester mumbled into her pillow, eyes still closed. The throbbing behind them had hardly abated, and Hester knew she sounded a fraction too sharp when she called out to her unwanted visitor. ‘Unfortunately. Come in.’
Hester heard the door open and turned her head to see the maid enter—then sat up, sudden alarm sweeping through her as she saw Arless’ face.
‘You’re as white as a sheet!’
She slid from the bed and crossed the room, catching hold of the maid’s arm and guiding her into a chair beside the hearth. The other woman’s face was indeed the colour of sour milk, pale and wan as she gazed up so blankly that Hester’s fears grew.
‘What is it? What’s wrong?’
Hester watched the shake of a lace-capped head. Whatever had happened to make the servant look like a frightened child must have been dire, and Hester’s stomach tightened as dread circled inside her.
‘You’re starting to worry me. What’s amiss? You look as though you’ve seen a ghost!’
The lady’s maid passed a hand across her brow and Hester saw how violently it shook, Arless’ usual serene presence deserting her completely. The servant took an unsteady breath, seemingly to gather herself, and when she met her eye Hester felt a chill run the length of her spine at the stark fear she saw in their depths.
‘I’m very much afraid I may have done just that. There’s someone waiting for you down in the parlour, ma’am. It’s Mr Honeywell—he’s back from the dead!’
Pulling the patch a little lower to fully cover his useless eye, Nathaniel allowed the remaining one to explore the stylish parlour.
Redecorated since I was last here. Hester must have grown into a woman of good taste.
He shifted a little in his seat, bones still aching and jangled from the long carriage ride from Dover. Poor Arless certainly hadn’t looked thrilled to see him; something of an understatement, seeming as though she might pass out at the first sight of his now crooked smile. It was his home, and he had every right to be there, but for a long while it had been ruled by Hester alone...and they hadn’t quite parted as friends.
Still...
Nathaniel stretched the stiffness of travelling out of his strong arms, feeling the release of tight muscles. Once Hester got over the shock he was positive she’d be delighted to see him. Her adoration had never been a secret, after all.
That’s the Hester I remember—always watching me walk across a room and blushing when I caught her staring, even after any interest was entirely one-sided. At the time it was an irritation I didn’t want, but perhaps now I might even find it endearing.
He tapped the fingers of his right hand against his knee, the index conspicuous by its absence. The poorly cauterised stump still itched occasionally and he scratched it now—more for something to occupy his restless hands than anything else. The last time he’d seen Hester he’d been complete, proud of the comely face he had known made his shy wife flush with admiration, not possessing the hard, work-honed muscles of a slave nor the new sense of shame that sat like a permanent weight in his belly.
Did he look much older, only twenty-six but so scarred from life’s harshness that he might be a decade more? Even his skin was different, darkened by the Algerian sun that had the opposite effect on his already fair hair, now bleached from toiling all day in the fierce heat.
She might not even recognise him, Nathaniel mused—and would he know her, the infatuated young wife he had all but abandoned? In those days he’d barely cared for anyone but himself, Hester’s obvious fancy for him an irrelevant nuisance once he’d been reminded that other things were more important. But after what he had endured at the hands of his cruel keepers...
It was not a pleasant thought, and Nathaniel rose from the sofa and paced about the room as though he could outrun it.
Leaving in the manner I did was possibly not my finest hour, he admitted as he walked, but wouldn’t most rational men have done the same?
All that fuss over some trifling cold Hester claimed to have had in a ploy to stop him from going to sea... Nonsense, of course, that Father had swiftly assured him was just a cunning female ruse, and as always Nathaniel had trusted that clear reasoning. Why would he not?
Even now he could remember his relief at hearing Shardlow’s door close behind him as he escaped her tears, glad his father had been there to guide him away from any misplaced concern and back towards the trade where his interest belonged—just as had been necessary the month after Nathaniel had wed, when for a moment it seemed he might waver from his proper course.
He huffed out a heavy breath.
Profit over people. Allow no distractions.
The mantra had been drilled into him ever since he could remember, along with stories of his great-grandfather dragging himself up from nothing to build wealth and status, told so often Nathaniel could recite them word for word. By that reckoning he’d been right to crush his developing feelings for the girl who had become his wife. Money was all that mattered, capital and ambition placed above all else: even one’s own family, something Nathaniel had learned to accept as soon as he was old enough to understand.
Mr Honeywell gave no affection and wanted none in return—not from his son and certainly not from the wife he scorned for her inane chatter and pointless emotion. Caught between his mother’s love and his father’s coldness, Nathaniel had followed the path he understood, shaped by duty and greed and the ruthless ambition for more. Life was a cut-throat business, only lived right if one remained strong and unbroken and proud. Honeywells never bent the knee to anyone, instead crushing others beneath their far superior boots.
Now Nathaniel caught his reflection in the ornate mirror hanging above the fireplace and saw shame in his tanned, weather-beaten face. Doubtless his father would be horrified, then, to learn how deeply he had despaired in the days of his captivity, when his keepers had sought to break his spirit with humiliation and suffering.
He’d been brought lower than he’d known possible, living like an animal rather than a human being, and it made him grimace to think what his father would say if he ever learned of his son’s disgrace. It flew in the face of everything Nathaniel knew a man should be, such repulsive subservience deserving of nothing but contempt and it had left a stain on his character he could never hope to wash clean.
He passed a rough hand across his face, feeling the scratch of stubble as the same dark memories returned to harry him like a wolf among sheep. Everything in Algiers had been so hard—a million miles away from the comfort he’d always taken for granted and stripping away his pride until it lay in tatters. The work, his captors, finding the will to get through each brutal day with no hope of escape...
His fellow slaves—in particular a steadfast Scot named Jacob Morrow—had been the only thing that had kept him alive on days when he would rather have died than bear the shame of what he’d become, and their friendship and kindness was something without which he would not have survived until the sails of HMS Queen Charlotte had crested the horizon and Nathaniel had known he was saved.
Something his father had always taught him was a weakness had in fact been his salvation. The compassion and humanity of the other captives had been a strength, not a failing. It was a valuable lesson to learn, and perhaps one he might even share with Hester now fate had brought them together once again.
‘I’ve been granted a second chance,’ he muttered, taking another turn of the familiar room. ‘The least I can do is try to offer her my friendship—although of course that’s as far as I’m willing to go.’
Nathaniel shook his head, dismissing echoes of the past that had no place in the present. Any feelings he might once have entertained as a lad of barely eighteen lay forgotten, cut off and left to wither as useless baggage. The Honeywell Trading Company still came first despite his long absence and he knew his responsibilities, although it crossed his mind that this time it might be possible to treat Hester with some of the kindness he had learned, rather than the outright neglect his father favoured for wives.
She wouldn’t be allowed to become a distraction again—a laughable notion, since he had packed that weakness into a box and buried it so deep there was no possibility it had survived—but he could extend an olive branch she’d be delighted to accept, her eagerness to please him vaguely touching now he was more inclined to be generous.
Abruptly Nathaniel ceased his pacing, ears straining hard.
Was that footsteps outside the door?
He hardly had time to wonder before it flew open and Hester stood square on the threshold, and the stiff smile he had forced froze fast on his lips.
‘Nathaniel?’
She stared at him, eyes wide; eyes just as blue as the last time he’d seen them, although in that moment he couldn’t remember why their attention had ever irritated him. They were piercing, any naivety replaced now by a keen understanding that caught him off guard, and he blinked as an unexpected whip-crack flared in his stomach. Outlined in sunlight she looked older, no longer a shy girl, with her fair hair a halo and the porcelain contours of her face lit like something from a painting.
Can this truly be the same woman I left behind?
Secreted beneath his shirt, Nathaniel felt his heart-rate pick up. However he’d expected to feel on seeing Hester again, it hadn’t been this—wordless surprise and the sudden feeling he wished he’d thought to comb his hair after the long journey from the ship.
‘Hello, Hester.’
He too stood still, aware of how he towered above his stunned wife. She would scarcely reach up to his shoulder if they stood closer together, some part of him registered, although by the look on her face he thought she might faint if he tried.
I forgot how small she is. Or—more likely—perhaps I never bothered to notice...
Ignoring the thought, he offered a bow, feeling her stare boring into the top of his head as he bent forward. ‘It’s been a long time since we last met. I’m happy to see you’re looking considerably better than I am.’
The Hester he remembered would be quick to jump in with some clumsy compliment to deny his self-reproach—but no such thing came.
‘I thought... We all thought...’
Hester’s face was still milk-white, her hand gripping the parlour door as though she might break it off; but then her eyes hardened. All of a sudden she looked nothing like the timid, unwanted wife he’d left behind, and Nathaniel’s brow contracted in a frown.
‘You’re supposed to be dead!’
Her gaze fixed on his with such steely focus that another man might have taken a step backwards. It was a world away from the reaction he had expected, and for a moment Nathaniel was at a loss for a reply.
‘Well...’ He pushed back his shaggy hair, watching the snap of Hester’s gaze move from his patch to the missing finger of his right hand.
Periwinkle-blue? Or perhaps more cornflower? More comely than I remember, at any rate.
He almost felt as though he should apologise for not having drowned, and he couldn’t keep a touch of confusion from his voice. ‘Not the warmest of welcomes a man might hope for, especially from his wife.’
Hester’s mouth twisted, the small movement of her lips attracting Nathaniel’s attention at once.
‘Your eye...your hand...’
She shook her head, slim neck moving at the lace collar of her cream dress and drawing his eye like a magnet. Had she always possessed a freckle at her throat, or that intriguing dip between her collar bones?
If she did I never noticed... Why did I never notice?
At least to that question he could provide an answer.
Probably because I only shared her bed for that first month, and in my boyish eagerness I didn’t take the time for a comprehensive study. After I came to my senses I thought the required heir would follow later...when I found the time.
Those pretty lips were moving again, still demanding answers, and he dismissed the wayward thought. Hester and beds didn’t belong in the same sentence, surely? And yet...
‘Why did you not send word you survived the Celeste’s sinking? Not a single letter to anybody in all this time! How could you allow the mistake to go on so long?’
Nathaniel folded his arms, hardly knowing where to begin. Where were the happy tears he had prepared himself to endure with his newfound patience? Of all the possible receptions he had imagined, this had not been one of them. Hesitant, obliging little Hester, demanding answers? It was unthinkable, impossible, and it momentarily robbed him of the ability to reply.
When he didn’t speak Hester drew herself up to her full height, looking at him with all the warmth of a marble statue.
‘Forgive me. Perhaps you might want to rest a while before you explain. It must be a long story, and by the look of you your journey home has been longer still.’
If he’d possessed less self-control Nathaniel might have let his mouth fall open.
A rebuke? From Hester?
Who was this woman—and what had she done with his wife?
She still watched him, apparently waiting, and Nathaniel mustered a curt nod. ‘I won’t deny it has taken a long while. A rest would be appreciated.’
Hester lifted her chin, the image of an icily polite hostess. ‘Very good. I’ll have rooms prepared at once.’
She paused, and Nathaniel felt his pulse quicken once more as she looked him pointedly up and down.
‘And hot water sent up so you can wash.’
Again his lips felt in danger of parting by themselves as another flood of disbelief washed over him. Was that disapproval in her eyes as she surveyed him from head to toe? Nathaniel could hardly believe it. Admittedly he was not quite as handsome as he’d been before parts of him were scarred for life, but to see anything but admiration in Hester’s face was a surprise—and one that bothered him more than he liked.
Did she only have regard for me when I was whole and unmarked?
The idea rang unpleasantly in his ears and he determined at once to set it aside—although not before it stoked the embers of the shame he carried constantly. Its heat warmed him always, never letting him forget how low he’d sunk, his scars a constant reminder of the depths he’d plumbed to get them.
No doubt Hester would be appalled if she knew the extent of his dramatic fall from grace...but she didn’t, and never would—of that he would make certain. A man ought to be proud and upright, not scrabbling in the mud, and even if he was as tainted as he felt his wife would never be given cause to look upon him with anything so humiliating as pity.
She had turned away, moving to leave the room, and Nathaniel called to her before he knew what he was doing. ‘We haven’t seen each other in five years, Hester. Are you in such a hurry to run away from me again so soon?’
The moment the words left his mouth Nathaniel wished he could call them back. Why had he spoken at all? There was no real answer, but even if there had been he would have forgotten at the slow half-turn of Hester’s head. She didn’t look him in the eye, instead keeping her face carefully angled away.
‘It wasn’t me that did the running away, Nathaniel,’ Hester replied, her voice as cold as the frosted lawns outside. ‘That was you.’
She stepped out, slipping from the room and pulling the door closed behind her. All Nathaniel could do was watch her go, an uncomfortable realisation beginning to unfurl in the pit of his stomach.
It seems I was wrong. Perhaps my homecoming isn’t quite as welcome as I thought.