INTRODUCTION

IN THE SCIENCE FICTION CLASSIC THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams joked that Earth is “mostly harmless.”

A lot has changed since he wrote that back in the seventies. We’ve seen sharknados demolish Los Angeles. We’ve seen meteorites reverse the Earth’s polarity. We’ve seen an eighty-yard mega python swallow one of the Monkees.

Mostly harmless? It’s time we upgraded the planet to “mostly harmful.”

Mother Nature is angry. Can you blame her? We treat the planet like a rental car with full coverage. Look at our track record over just the past decade. New drilling techniques have exposed hidden dangers below the Earth’s surface. Genetic engineers have meddled with the building blocks of life itself, producing terrifying creatures. Don’t just blame big business and mad scientists, though. From well-meaning preservationists to bumbling college students on holiday, we’re all to blame for Mother Nature’s tantrums.

While politicians waste time debating the dangers of fracking and environmentalists wring their hands over our planet’s rapid deforestation, we’re left with one seriously pissed-off planet.

That’s where this book comes in. How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters provides you with the knowledge necessary to survive dozens of unnatural threats. Whether you’re standing face-to-face with a Mongolian death worm or stuck outdoors during a bataclysm, we have you covered.

“But,” you say, “I don’t need this book. I’ve seen monster movies. The people who get killed are usually asking for it. All they do is stand there, screaming at the top of their lungs and flailing their arms like those inflatable windsocks at car dealerships.”

Put yourself in their shoes. What if you suddenly saw a two-ton great white shark barreling through the air toward your face? Such a sight defies all logic. “That’s fake,” you mumble. Your brain shorts out. Your legs won’t move. Without this book, the best you can hope for is to be killed in a dry pair of underwear.

No matter what we do, it’s too late to stop unnatural disasters and monsters. All we can do is survive them.

STUDY—AVOID—SURVIVE

FOR EACH ENTRY, YOU’LL GET A SHORT DESCRIPTION AND VITALS upfront. We follow April Wexler’s trademark SAS (Study, Avoid, Survive) methodology. Don’t confuse it with Lofty Wiseman’s SAS Survival Guide—even the vaunted Special Air Service might not be ready for the dangers Mother Nature presents nowadays.

•  Study the documented incidents.

•  Avoid the common pitfalls that can put you in harm’s way. And when you can’t avoid the disaster or monster through preparation…

•  Survive by using tips from Fin Shepard as well as others who faced the threats and lived to tell their stories.

A NOTE ON THE USUAL SUSPECTS

We assume you already know how to defend yourself against commonplace disasters. If you need a refresher on what to do when a tornado siren goes off, the Red Cross has you covered. What about supernatural threats? Frankly, zombies, vampires, and werewolves are now as prevalent as the common cold. We all know about stakes and silver bullets, right? If only fighting Mother Nature were so simple.

HOW THE RATINGS WORK

HOW LIKELY ARE YOU TO ENCOUNTER A SHARKNADO? HOW WIDESPREAD will casualties be? And just how badly will your mind be blown? Use the guides below to quickly visualize the magnitude of the threats you’ll be reading about.

Threat to Humanity Scale

	= Minimal casualties and damage.
	= Serious casualties and damage.
	= Major casualties and damage on a local scale.
	= Major casualties and damage on a global scale.
	= Extinction Level Event.

Risk of Encounter Scale

	= Negligible. No conclusive evidence.
	= Low. At least one verified sighting, but no indication of how widespread it is.
	= Moderate. Multiple reports, or repeats expected.
	= High. Frequent occurrences.
	= Extreme. Under the proper conditions, you will encounter these threats.

Fin Shepard’s WTF (Wow, That’s Freaky) Factor

	= Gnarly. Cool. Righteous.
	= Radical. Excellent. Primo.
	= Bodacious. Incredible.
	= Heavy. Epic.
	= Far Out. Beyond human comprehension.