RULES OF ORDER/APPLY THE BRAKES
Deborahwasfriendly,cheerfulandself-assured. In her mid-thirties and the happily married mother of two children, she and her husband had a house in the suburbs of Boston, with a big backyard and a great home entertainment system. She was the class mom at her children’s elementary school, she drove the kids to their soccer matches and music lessons and she tried to make healthy meals and keep the house warm and welcoming.
And to round out this picture of suburban bliss, Deborah and her family had a cute little terrier named Snickers.
What, I wondered, brought her into my office?
“I’m having trouble getting things done,” she explained, apologetically.
No need to apologize, I told her. And it seemed as if she was doing a pretty good job of raising a family based on the smiling wallet photos I’d just been shown. Even Snickers looked content. What exactly was going on?
Deborah calmly explained the problem she was having.
“I’m struggling to get the things done that I need to,” she said. “I start out planning to do A-B-C, and I never get past A.”
I asked her for an example.
“I’ve got a doozy,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Last weekend, we were going to clean out the garage.”
Alarm bells rang and red lights flashed in my mind. The garage! Uh-oh. I’m not sure why this is—although I am certain someone could probably earn a doctoral degree finding out—but I hear about the garage a lot in my line of work. Whenever I do, I know there’s going to be a problem. People seem to go out to the garage and never come back—or at least not in the same frame of mind.
I listened, wondering what the insidious garage had done this time.
“We went out there to organize it,” Deborah said. “And we had tons of old toys and sporting equipment and some of my husband’s tools and boxes. Let me tell you, there was a lot of junk out there.”
Sounds like most garages. Probably a good idea to get it sorted out. What happened?
“Well, let me just say I’m a person who likes to finish what I start,” Deborah said and then looked at me quizzically. “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
I nodded, hesitantly. “It can be....”
She went on. “So we started after lunch, I think it was about one o’clock. I said I’d work on it for an hour, and my husband was going to help.”
At 3:00 pm, Deborah was in the garage.
At 4:00 pm, Deborah was still in the garage.
At 5:00 pm, yup...you guessed it. In the garage.
Deborah ended up being out there for over four hours. She said she had gotten caught up in the cleaning and organizing process—and just didn’t stop. She looked through some of the stuff she was supposed to be throwing out: she began reading old letters, inspecting old clothes, perusing old books. Then she decided to pull apart some of the shelving that she’d noticed after rummaging through some boxes. She saw that the garage needed sweeping out. She climbed up to investigate what she thought was a squirrel’s nest in the rafters.
“I’m a go-go type,” she said, as she recited the list of what she’d accomplished in the garage. “Once I get going, I can’t stop, especially when I see something else that needs to be done.”
That’s fine, but not when it means that a lot of other important things don’t get done. Other appointments, other chores, other parental duties...all, she admitted, had been forgotten during her extended sojourn in the garage.
She even forgot to feed Snickers.
Had this happened once, or even once in awhile, it wouldn’t have been an issue. But, Deborah acknowledged, this kind of thing was happening “all the time.”
And what exactly was the problem? Let’s walk through our Rules of Order up to this point.
Rule 1: Tame the frenzy.
Okay, here, Deborah seemed to be doing well. She was not emotionally distraught. Certainly she was annoyed and a bit frustrated by the fact that she couldn’t seem to get from A to B, but in terms of her overall emotional state, she seemed quite stable and in control.
Rule 2: Sustain focus.
Again, Deborah seemed to be doing well, meaning she could stay focused on one activity: organizing the garage.
Her problem involved our next “step.”
Rule 3: Apply the brakes.
Applying the brakes means exercising “inhibitory control.” That has nothing to do with being inhibited, which in the common use of the word refers to a sense of repression, an inability to express feelings openly or behave spontaneously (as in, when a shy child is inhibited in the presence of a strict, disciplinarian teacher).
Inhibition, as we refer to it here, means an ability to restrain or regulate or control your attention. Those individuals who have difficulty doing this, who find it hard to stop some activity that is no longer effective or productive, just plow ahead without stopping to think (such as people with ADHD). It was telling that Deborah labeled herself a “go-go” person. One of the common cognitive tasks used by psychologists to study inhibitory control is called the “go/no-go” task, in which a subject is asked to respond to “go” signals and not to respond to “no-go” signals.
Deborah needed to exercise a little more “no-go” instead of just “go-go”—as do we all if we wish to become better organized in our lives, both at work and at home.
NOT INHIBITED BUT IN CONTROL
Your ability to apply the cognitive (or physical) brakes—to thoughtfully “inhibit” an action that may lead you down a rabbit hole of trouble and confusion—is a hallmark of an organized mind.
It’s akin to the importance of a good set of brakes on a very expensive car. In Deborah’s case, it would have been the ability to stop, think and walk away from a not-yet-totally-clean garage instead of attending to more pressing tasks. Inhibition allows us to be adaptable and to stop behaviors that are not needed and, in so doing, further supports our ability to stay organized and on top of our game in the face of a changing, evolving environment.
Researchers who study ADHD and cognitive problems consider inhibition as a self-regulatory act, critical in successful functioning. ADHD guru Dr. Russell Barkley has written that the inability to regulate oneself is an essential characteristic of the disorder. He elaborates on the ways that this can be seen in those with ADHD:
Impaired response inhibition, impulse control, or the capacity to delay gratification...is often noted in the individual’s inability to stop and think before acting; to wait one’s turn while playing games, conversing with others, or having to wait in line; to interrupt their responding quickly when it becomes evident that their actions are no longer effective; to resist distractions while concentrating or working; to work for larger, longer-term rewards rather than opting for smaller, more immediate ones; and inhibiting the dominant or immediate reaction to an event, as the situation may demand.
Even without ADHD, the inability to apply the cognitive or physical brakes can be seen in various aspects of our lives as well. Although Dr. Barkley is focusing on the behavior of children in that passage, adult examples of this lack of inhibitory control can be strikingly similar. Think about the guy at Dunkin Donuts who tries to cut to the front of the line in order to be served immediately, those who constantly interrupt conversations because what they have to say has to be addressed now, or the drivers who like to lean on the horn in traffic or who, rather than sit patiently at a light, will impulsively wheel their cars around and find an alternate route—one that may ultimately cost them more time than had they simply waited for the light to turn green—simply because they couldn’t control the urge to keep moving.
Let’s face it (and most of us have had to learn this from hard experience): sometimes the most important action is nonaction. Stand in line for a minute or two, and you’ll get your hot cup of coffee and muffin anyway. Let other people finish their sentences, and they might be more likely to listen to yours. Wait for the light to turn green, and you’ll probably get home faster. Our ability to resist the competing demands of the world around us, to regulate our responses to them and to delay gratification—this is another key building block of success and of organization. Yet many of us keeping falling into the same trap. As Deborah’s long afternoon in the garage demonstrates, even with a cool head and sustained focus we can be left with the most important tasks undone if we don’t learn how to stay on task. It can feel puzzling, as it did to Deborah, given her clear ability to accomplish things. How can it be, that a person like her—or maybe like you—can be disorganized?
To find out, let’s deconstruct inhibition—or “nonaction”—from a scientific perspective. As noted above, cognitive research suggests that several processes may be at work in effective inhibition. Keep in mind that our Rules of Order are like building blocks, laid one on top of another. One of the most important of these processes should be familiar from our last chapter: the ability to pay attention and handle distractions—that ability to block interference from irrelevant stimuli (remember the stimulus-driven attentional system we talked about in the last chapter?) in order to keep our goal-directed attention functioning well. Our ability to apply the brakes of our car begins with having brakes that are lubricated, balanced and ready to go. An effective pair of cognitive brakes keeps you prepared for distractions and ready to take them in stride. In so doing, your interference control system is primed and ready to be able to do two things:
These are two key aspects of good inhibitory control. Let’s look at each a little more closely.
In the first situation, you are challenged by not reacting in a situation in which you might have reacted in the past, a situation in which it might seem quite reasonable to react. Maybe a friend calls on the phone. “Hi,” she says. “I’m stuck here at work, and I’m wondering if I could ask you a favor? Could you pick up my daughter from her soccer practice?” It seems reasonable to react with an automatic “yes” and grab your keys. But the organized mind pauses and thinks for a moment and then inhibits the instinctual “I’m on my way!” action and reminds your friend that today is an extended practice and she still has an hour to get there, thus saving you both a lot of time and stress. This is exactly the sort of “small” issue that can happen repeatedly throughout the day and week when inhibitory control is not working well. It can lead to wasted time, frustration and unnecessary stress. It can take a toll, like it has for Deborah.
In the second situation, you are again challenged, but this time you’re in the midst of doing something. You are acting or moving, and you must come to an abrupt halt. Let’s say you’re at work, filing some important papers, when a new colleague comes in and ask one of those irritating but strikingly insightful questions, which often only come from a new set of objective eyes in the office. “Wow, you’re still using a filing cabinet?” the newly minted college grad asks perkily. “That’s, like, so 2000. I’m surprised you don’t have a totally paperless office.”
The organized mind is quickly on top of this situation. Brakes are applied to a possible response questioning the age and maturity level of this colleague—or to snarky remarks to the effect of “Why don’t you go listen to that new Love album by Taylor Swift and let the adults do the work?” Inhibited, as well, are defensive comments such as “This is way I’ve been doing it for years, and it’s worked fine. So what’s your problem?” No, the well-primed cognitive brakes bring that to a screeching stop. Instead, the organized mind remains calm, rational and focused and stops your “so-2000” activity. You consider that the person has a very good point; this activity really is inefficient and is perhaps no longer the right approach for the office. Maybe it would indeed be a good idea to learn how to scan documents and make an ally in the process, so you suggest something mature and savvy like “You know, with my experience and your new eyes on the scene and tech know-how, we can make some real improvements here. Let’s meet next week about how we can make some changes.”
Does some of this just sound like exercising good judgment—the admonitions to “bite your tongue,” “keep your eye on the ball” or the equally old adage to “look before you leap?” To some extent, yes. Those hoary words of wisdom instinctually recognized this complex process that modern neuroscience labels “inhibitory control” and also recognized the fact that there are lots of times in our lives when that kind of control must be exercised. But however you verbalize it, it’s a real human phenomenon that is very relevant to how we live and function and organize ourselves on a daily basis.
How important? In a study by a well-known group of researchers in the Netherlands, including the eminent Joseph Sergeant, a series of cognitive tests were presented to adults with and without ADHD. The greatest difference between groups was seen in tasks reflecting inhibition; adults with ADHD performed worse. IQ didn’t matter. Gender didn’t matter. This study supports the idea of ADHD as a disorder of self-regulation. Considering again that our contention in this book is that we have much to learn about organization from people with ADHD—those who can struggle mightily with disorganization—the idea that inhibition may be the fundamental deficit in ADHD makes this an important process to consider in our pursuit to be organized.
However, the roots of inhibitory control are less understood. A study in The American Journal of Psychiatry by a Canadian research group found that poor inhibitory control in children can be predicted by the abilities of their parents. At this point, we don’t know the influence of genes or the environment on deficits in inhibitory control—is it genetic or can you “learn” poor organization from the environment and from people around you? It’s an interesting question, and if those who seem to lack the well-lubricated cognitive brakes choose to blame it on their parents, go ahead. The truth is, regardless of the cause of your weakness in inhibitory control, it can be improved, as suggested by yet another recent study involving people with and without ADHD.
In this study, subjects were asked to perform a series of tasks that tested inhibitory control. The researchers then used neuroimaging to look at the brain activation patterns of the adults with ADHD, as compared to control subjects. While performing tasks, the subjects with ADHD used alternate brain activities to compensate for their inability to regulate. The implication here is that even for those with a disorder such as ADHD, the brain can perform, or at least muster the effort to attempt to perform, tasks involving inhibitory control.
THERE’S NO STOPPING THESE STUDIES
No one seems to be putting the brakes on the study of inhibition. It has really emerged as a focal point of research as more scientists and mental health professionals begin to realize its importance in understanding a whole host of healthy human behaviors—including our topic: the ability to stay organized.
So how do the scientists study this process? They use tasks that involve applying the cognitive and behavioral brakes. Two common tasks have quite appropriate, intuitive names: the “go/no-go” and “stop-signal” tasks.
In these tasks, subjects sit in front of a computer screen and have to respond to noises or pictures that emit and flash in front of them. Simple instructions are given to isolate a specific brain function—such as sustained attention or inhibitory control.
In the stop-signal task, subjects are asked to identify a target as quickly as they can but then to cancel or inhibit their response with a so-called stop signal. Stop signals happen randomly, and as you can imagine, the closer one is to the point of no return—your hand is on the button, you are milliseconds away from pushing down on it—the harder it is to inhibit that response. Healthy persons usually need about 200 milliseconds of lead time in order to stop the response. So to subjects taking the test, the commands come across as “respond...respond...respond...respond...STOP!” Perhaps it’s not unlike the boss who says “yes, that’s right, that’s good, excellent, thanks,” and then suddenly, “no, that’s not it at all, you’ve done it all wrong!”
A similar test of inhibitory control is the go/no-go test, in which subjects respond quickly to specific “go” target letters on a computer screen and don’t respond or inhibit a response to alternate “no-go” letters. These tasks assess one’s ability to stop, to inhibit a response—whether it’s in the process or has not yet begun. Think of the game “Red Light, Green Light” you used to play as a child. You would line up with a bunch of friends, and then someone would shout “Green light!” You would all walk forward as fast as you could until you heard the command “Red light!” and you would all try to stop on a dime. Perhaps you can remember some kids falling over, twitching and giggling as they tried to “freeze” and remain perfectly still. Whereas others reacted instantly and stood still as statues—and still others disregarded the signals altogether and forged ahead.
These cognitive tasks are similar to this classic childhood game—and the true victory is won by the person who can stop as quickly and effectively and efficiently as they can go.
Scientists use these cognitive tasks in concert with the latest in neuroimaging tools to test a person’s ability to stop, thereby learning about the brain activity that is responsible for this skill. Studies using a host of neuroimaging techniques have identified specific brain networks as critical in inhibition. Signals can move from one brain region to another—such as the frontal cortical region and the basal ganglia—in order to coordinate a successful “stop” response. Research is also considering how other factors, such as motivation or emotions, might influence inhibition.
Some researchers have likened this process of inhibition to a horse race. Imagine two horses jumping out of the gate and heading down the track. One is carrying the “go” signal, the other the “stop” signal. The “race” (the neural processes) is triggered by a possible “stop/go” situation. It’s 6:00 pm; you’re about to head home, and the phone in your office rings. You don’t recognize the number on the caller ID. Should you pick it up or not? It’s tempting. This could be something good...but on the other hand, you promised your spouse that you would stop on the way home to pick up some things for dinner tonight. Could it wait until tomorrow? Or must you pick up that phone now? The race inside your brain is on! The “go” horse takes the early lead as your hand begins to move to the phone. But another nerve circuit—the “stop” horse—is gaining. Each bears a different message:
“Go...because you really want to know who’s calling, don’t you?”
Or:
“Stop, because if you get embroiled in a call now, you’ll mess up your family’s dinner plans, and you can still get the message tomorrow.”
They’re neck and neck; who’s got the most cognitive juice to win this race? They come around the backstretch; it’s going to be close. And the winner is...
Well, the winner is up to you. But in a sense it is a competition between brain signals racing through a circuit, between inhibitory control and no control.
If you want to get better organized, you must learn to obey the “stop” sign. But life is complex. Stopping at one time may be easier than another, depending on the context. For example, it may be easier to say “no” at work but not socially—or it may be influenced by your emotions at the moment, in which case frenzy can dictate the winner. So don’t beat yourself up if you make a “go” decision that you realize later should have been “no-go.” Success in inhibitory control is not a one-horse race; it’s how you manage it in the long run that counts.
CONTROLLED SWING
Let’s take these cognitive tasks out of the controlled environment of the lab with subjects reacting to prompts while having their brain activity imaged. Sure, you push buttons at work all day and people push your buttons at home, but life is more complex than a series of “stop/go” signals, isn’t it? You need to be able to inhibit more than a prompt on a computer screen, yes?
One group of researchers at Arizona State University examined inhibitory control as it applies to a more complex task: swinging a baseball bat. Think for a moment about the brain skill needed when you’re up at the plate and a pitcher winds up to fire the ball in your direction. The fastball seems to be coming right over the plate. It looks like a pitch you could knock over the fence. Do you swing? Not so fast. It could be that the ball is about to tail off low and out of the strike zone. It could also be that this pitcher may throw high. Here comes the ball: do you swing or “stop swing”? Or perhaps you “check” swing—meaning a halfway swing that you try to stop in midmotion once you determine that the pitch is out of the strike zone?
This interesting study, which examined what the researcher called this “complex, multistage” act of swinging a bat—and the circumstances that could lead one to stop fully, partially or not at all—reminds us that everyday life is a bit like being up at bat. It’s rarely just “stop” or “go.” It’s more like a long at-bat. There are check swings; there are hits and misses. You hesitate; you evaluate the situation and quickly assess the pros and cons of action versus inaction. It’s also an evolving process; sometimes, new information becomes available. For the batter, it could be the motion or a look from the pitcher, a breeze that suddenly picks up or the signals flashed by the third-base coach. We’re all getting such signals that have to be evaluated as we decide “go” or “no-go.”
Here’s an example: the phone rings in your office, and as you reach to answer, a colleague passing by says “Don’t pick it up. It’s that pain-in-the-neck client from Acme Diagnostics. I know why he’s calling...he just rang me, as well...and it’s nothing you can help with.” You freeze. Should you pay attention to this signal? Why is that colleague telling you this? Is he certain it’s the same caller? Do you pick up or not?
The batting experiment reminds us that inhibitory control is not necessarily an open-and-shut case—or to use baseball terminology, a case of balls and strikes. We need to pay attention to the signals. They may be complicated, but you can learn from them. We also need to be adaptable as circumstances change. Just because we chose “go” the last time in this situation doesn’t mean we should the next time around.
Stop. Go. Answer the phone. Let it ring. Swing at the pitch. Don’t swing. Check swing. Apply the brakes. Hit the gas. However we try to conceptualize it, the underlying concept—that your ability to know when to avoid jumping off task, to hold back, to temper the action with thought and to avoid a ready-fire-aim response—is critical to getting through the busy days of your life.
Let’s find out now how to do it better.
COACH MEG’S TIPS
When we succumb to our impulses, we are allowing our emotions to respond unchecked to a request for our attention and then to drive our behavior without stopping to think about our options and make a thoughtful choice. While our brain machinery is complicated, a simple formulation is that we are each unique when it comes to our natural and learned abilities to catch our impulses, activate a thinking process, appreciate the signals our emotions are sending us and make a conscious choice of what to do about this request for our attention.
The field of emotional intelligence has taught us much about how to self-regulate or self-manage our emotions—how to get into control, learn and direct our emotions in the most productive fashion. People vary widely in their abilities to be aware of and manage their emotions. Those with a lower level of ability will succumb more often to impulses, making an unhealthy choice like eating too many cookies, getting sidetracked by phone calls or texts, or lashing out prematurely or angrily at a slight by another.
Our ability to put on the mental brakes and regulate our emotions and behaviors also declines when our energy flags or when we are tired, hungry or stressed out. It can evaporate completely when we are gripped by strong emotions or feel helpless or vulnerable. So what can we do to put our brains in charge, honor our emotions and make the best choices?
Earlier in the chapter, Dr. Hammerness used a horse-racing metaphor to describe the “go/stop” circuits of the brain. We’d like to return to the track to underscore an important point about how you can help manage those circuits and impulses to become better organized.
At our best, our thoughts and emotions work together like a well-trained team—like a world-class jockey and his horse. The jockey (thinking) is exquisitely present and sensitive to the needs of the horse (emotions) and how to make the most of the animal’s talents. The horse feels the respect and sensitivity, doesn’t take charge or rebel, and responds beautifully to support the jockey’s drive to win a race.
When we overthink—when we ride or apply a lead foot to the cognitive brakes—we are like the jockey who holds back on the reins, denying his horse’s desire to run and run fast. When, on the other hand, we allow our emotions to control us, without cognitive brakes, we are letting the thoroughbred run wild without the guidance and control of the jockey. Our thoughts, like the jockey, must stay in the saddle and work with the emotions in a sensitive, kind, respectful way, while sometimes asserting a firm hand, reining in the horse and applying the cognitive brakes.
Imagine a conversation with your teenage daughter about the colossal mess in her bedroom. She’s upset because she has lost her cell phone, which is not surprising given the clutter and disorder in her room. You’ve lost count of the gazillion times you have asked her to clean it up. You walk into her room today and face not only the mess once again but also your daughter crying about the lost cell phone, which she swears she had last night when she came home. Your emotions heat up and feel unmanageable. You are about to unleash a stream of vitriol. “How many times have I told you to clean up this room? What are you thinking? Of course you can’t find your phone in this chaos! How can you ever find anything? Meanwhile, you have no problem bringing in new stuff, new clothes, to add to the mess. I can’t stand this irresponsible behavior anymore.”
But hold on—pull back on those reins. The jockey—your thinking brain—now enters the process and steps on the brakes. Here, your brain needs to have a quick chat with your emotions. “Yes, we’re very frustrated, and yes, we did tell her so. But all this yelling hasn’t worked in the past and isn’t likely to work now. It’s only damaging the relationship with our daughter. She’ll go off to college soon...do we want her to remember us as loving, supporting parents or as constant nags? So let’s hold our tongue and instead help her locate the cell phone. And maybe at some point later, when everyone’s cooled down, we can revisit this issue with her.”
Be careful about applying the brakes to impulses without acknowledging the emotions and sending them elsewhere in your brain to sit and fester. Don’t try to be a robot. Those impulses aren’t your enemy; they are your teammate, like having a colleague who is creative and spontaneous while you are prudent and self-controlled. Like that colleague—or like the jockey and his horse—you need each other for optimal success.
What the jockey really can’t do is have a conversation with his horse. But your thinking brain and your emotional brain can and should have a brief tête-à-tête, especially in a potentially volatile situation.
Let’s go to Dr. Hammerness’s favorite place—the garage. You need to clear it out, and you’ve allocated sixty minutes because you have other things to attend to. But once you get involved in the job, you realize just how long you’ve neglected this chore and how much stuff there is out here, and your heart sinks. And as it does, it sends a message:
Heart: I feel sick and tired about the mess in the garage. I really want this feeling to go away, so I’d like to just keep working out here and clean it all up so I’ll feel better.
Head: I’m sorry to hear that the mess is distressing, and I empathize with your desire to get it over with once and for all. However, we must be realistic: it will probably take several more sessions and many more hours to complete the job...and do it right. So it seems to me that it would be best to stop after one hour, feel good that we’ve made some real progress out here, and then move on to the other important tasks we’ve planned for today. That way, by tonight, we’ll feel good about our overall accomplishments and not just be miserable because the other things were neglected and the garage still isn’t where you want it to be.
Heart: Thank you for your wise counsel, oh brainy one, but I don’t think I’m going to feel good about anything if so little is accomplished in tidying up the garage.
Head: Now, now. Let’s not get snippy. How about this: I’ll remind you before bedtime that we had this conversation and that we made the best decision? By then, we will have made a small but meaningful dent in the garage...and the other tasks will have gotten done as well. In a way, we will have accomplished even more. Think about how good you’ll feel then!
Heart: You make a good point. Okay. Let’s tell the lungs now to take a deep breath, and I’ll leave the garage and move on to the other stuff we have to do today. And hey...I’m glad we had this little chat. We should do it more often.
As you can probably tell by now, one of the best ways to help get better organized is to become more aware of the situations and circumstances in which we are not. Seeing patterns, whether they’re with our sense of frenzy, in our ability to sustain focus or (in the current Rule of Order) to apply those brakes, is a key step toward starting new habits.
Keep a journal for a day or two and make a note when you respond to an impulse without thinking, without braking. What was the trigger? What did you do without thinking? Did you think a little but not enough? The time spent noticing how impulsive you are and when and what led you to ignore the impulses is a first step to training your brain to better manage your emotional impulses.
You may notice that you do a great job managing your impulses with work colleagues but fall apart during a tricky conversation with your spouse or child. Or you may see that some colleagues seem to be able to activate your emotional impulses instantly and inactivate your thinking brakes by implying that you are underperforming in some way. Or as we say, they know how to “push your buttons.” Instead of pushing back, maybe you learn to apply the brakes instead. Other patterns may emerge: you may be able to exert your inhibitory control better on Monday morning than Friday afternoon. Being aware of that may help you next Friday!
Remember, your ability to manage your impulses isn’t a constant, and being curious about the variability will help you find ideas to improve and situations to work on.
Appreciate that it is harder to apply the cognitive brakes when the car is out of gas, when you’re driving on empty in terms of physical and mental energy. Typically we are best at regulating our thoughts and emotions early in the day after a good rest and breakfast. Our worst periods are at the end of the workday when our brains and bodies are depleted.
Your brain doesn’t have a way to store energy, which means that if your blood sugar is depleted so is your brain. Keep your blood sugar at a steady level by eating lean protein with every meal and snack. Avoid high doses of carbs, which lead to a spike and crash in energy.
Personally, I haven’t discovered a better way to process and tame my impulses than to exercise; whether vigorous or not, even five minutes can calm down my emotions and make it easier to handle emotional impulses. Next best is a good night’s sleep, allowing the brain’s machinery to do its work in processing emotions. There are studies that confirm the energy-enhancing, emotional-calming effects of both physical activity and sleep.
When in doubt, take a walk. Or sleep on it and tackle it again in the morning, when you’re well rested.
Remember the famous pilot who landed a crippled plane in the Hudson River and saved 155 lives? Imagine what it was like for US Airways captain Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger on that frigid morning of January 15, 2009. Think about how many impulses he had to manage and how he had to put the brakes on paralyzing fear and the terrifying thought that his life and the lives of his passengers and crew were in grave danger—and then summon himself to think clearly.
Talk about being able to tune out distraction! Sully showed us all that it can be done in the most extreme circumstances.
In fact, sometimes the extreme impulses call us to be our best selves and we are at our peak in terms of handling our impulses. While Sully may be one of the most famous recent examples, many of those who handle emergencies—doctors and nurses who work in emergency-room wards, firefighters and police officers, soldiers and those in command—are outstanding models of impulse control.
But while you might not have the coolness to land a plane safely in a river, command a platoon in combat or work in an emergency room, don’t sell yourself short. If you’ve been through a crisis or a period of danger, you probably noticed that during those moments or hours you became a little more adept at handling impulses. Many of us do—we just haven’t been tested. Not that we’re looking to put you or anyone into such a situation. The point is that you may be better at impulse control than you realize. It could be the daily “minicrises” of day-to-day life: a crying child, a rude store clerk, an inconsiderate colleague. These are all crucibles for developing impulse control. Rise to the occasion. I know you can do it.
Years ago I coached a woman, a freelance journalist, who was struggling with anxious outbursts caused by her relationship with her overbearing boss. She would sit down to write an article with a tight deadline. She’d make a good start and then she would get a call from her boss, who was typically in an agitated and impatient state. For an hour or more after his call, her emotions would interrupt her task as she thought about what she wished she had said to him. Her agitation would steal her attention so that she wasn’t productive or creative, making her feel like she was in a sailboat tossed around by waves of frustration, not getting anywhere.
Although she didn’t work for a broadcast network, we created what we called an “ABC” process where she worked on practicing three steps.
Other tools used in the training of emotional intelligence are quite similar: the STOP tool—Step back, Think, Organize your thoughts, then Proceed, or PRO—Pause, Relax and Open.
No matter what acronym you apply, the process is the same. Instead of grimacing or cringing when the impulsive interruption arrives and your emotions take over, welcome your emotions. Try to understand what they are trying to say to you. Thank them for registering an opinion and for taking a stand. Then decide what’s best for the team.
I like to think of people as leaning toward one of two camps much of the time.
The first one is Camp Spontaneity: Here we live in the moment. We’re spontaneous and creative; we allow our impulses to drive us. Want to go skinny dipping in the lake? Sure, why not? Roast marshmallows by the fire and stay up all night? Let’s do it! We indulge in the invitations around us, unconcerned about the future.
On the other side of the lake is Camp Sobriety: Here we look to the future. We conserve our firewood; we look before we leap. We are like the industrious ants as compared to our live-for-today grasshopper friends at the other camp. We are happy to forgo the instant pleasure of following an impulse for the opportunity to feel satisfied with our accomplishments down the road.
Most of us spend our lives between both camps. We tamp down our impulses much of the time and then once in a while we have the strong urge to be impulsive about something. The key is to welcome the impulse and decide whether and when to indulge it. Have an ice cream cone once in a while, steal away from work for a couple of hours to meet a friend or spend a little extra to get a special sweater.
Let go of the brakes—unless of course (and this is the thinking part of the brain talking) your doctor has put you on a strict diet, your impulsive get-together with your friend means you have to miss a very important work meeting or your financial pinch is significant enough that you really don’t have that little extra to spend on the sweater.
The impulse to visit Camp Spontaneity often comes knocking at the door of your cabin. Come on in; the water’s fine! Don’t worry, be happy. Enjoy a treat, do something special and take your foot off of the brakes for a bit.
Don’t shut the door in the face of these impulses. Just don’t go running down the street with them.
Here’s an example: there may be a coworker who really annoys you—really presses your buttons. Applying the brakes—impulse or, as Dr. Hammerness would put it, “inhibitory” control does not necessarily mean that you try to suppress those emotions completely. Neglected emotions may come back to bite you or may lead you to, say, lash out at your spouse or child inappropriately instead of the coworker.
On the other hand, don’t let the impulse urging you to tell the coworker to stuff it lead you to a rash action that will undoubtedly complicate and further disorganize your life.
Listen to your rational thoughts; let the skilled rider within you pull back on those reins. Besides, you may have a chance to achieve your objectives in other ways. The right time may come to demonstrate your displeasure with these people or address the situation. Remember, as the jockey would tell you, the race is won in the long run! And it is the long run—the future—that we are looking toward here as you work to learn better control and, through it, achieve a more organized life. Meeting face to face with our impulses brings to life the creative tension between living for today and living for tomorrow.
Today is less enjoyable if we don’t listen to our hearts and follow our impulses in a conscious way.
Tomorrow will be better if we invest in making it so.