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Jax’s hand goes lax, the flowers and gift dropping to the ground.
“Don’t,” he says, jaw clenched and finger pointing in my face. “Ever come near me again.”
He turns his back on me, and I chase after him and grab onto his shirt. He whips around, knocking me off.
“I can explain,” I beg.
“Just stay away from me.”
“I didn’t mean to lie,” I continue, trying to get out everything I want to say before he runs away. “And I respected your privacy, didn’t I? I could’ve alerted the media.”
“I risked my neck to come here and see you!” he yells. “You have no idea what it’s like to be a celebrity.”
I cannot lose him. I will not. “You’re right,” I say slapping my palms together and rubbing them, hoping he can see my apology. “I don’t know what it’s like. Please. Can we just talk?”
“There’s nothing to say.” He balls his fists. “I even let you take me out to a movie. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”
I fall to my knees, still rubbing my hands together. I’ve been so reckless. It was never my job to help him come out into the open. I only needed to love him, and I’ve now my worst fears are happening. “Please Jax. This isn’t what you think.”
His gaze connects to mine, fully. “Then you never would’ve kept something like that from me.”
He turns on me again, but I stay there hoping he’ll look back. Praying he’ll give me one more chance, but he doesn’t, and then he’s gone. Out of my life as suddenly as he came into it.
I lose my balance and tilt to the side, only catching myself with a hand. Big panicky breaths try to escape, but my lungs are constricted. My skin hardens as I remember our last touch, but there’s only a chilly fall wind where warmth once was. Giant tears form behind my eyes, but they can’t drop, not with the absolute deadness enveloping me. It’s like I’m being coated in cement as he gets in his car and left to harden and dry as he zooms away.
At some point my friends are there. I don’t remember them helping me to me feet. I can’t recall when they took my keys and drove me home. I do know my little sister comes into our shared room, but all of her words sound like blurred echoes.
I must’ve fallen asleep because morning light burns my eyes. My mom’s gentle voice floats to me, asking if I have work today.
Work! Maybe I can go and find Jax and figure something out. Surely, it’s been enough time for him to cool down.
I thank my mom, throw on clean clothes and brush my hair and teeth, but don’t bother to take too much time with my appearance. The music shop opens at ten, and it’s already nine-thirty.
Every red light is a knife to the heart, every stop sign an obstacle between me and Jax. When I pull up to the shop at nine forty-three, the lights are off, and I don’t see anyone inside. But I can wait. I’ll wait all day if I have to.
I sit on the curb, picking at my shoes, and kicking around rocks. At ten, there’s still no one, so I pick up my phone. I call Jax’s number first, but it goes immediately to voicemail. Penny is next on the list, and although it rings, there’s no answer.
Please, Jax, I text, give me one more chance.
He probably won’t get the text. I imagine his phone is off since it went to voicemail earlier, so I text Penny as well. If Jax is around, will you please ask him to look at his phone?
There’s nothing else I can do except wait. My stomach grumbles as I sit there hour after hour, but food means nothing in the face of this.
It isn’t until well after one that my phone dings. It’s a text from Penny. Jax has asked that you don’t contact us anymore, and I agree with him.
Knowing Penny doesn’t want to hear from me either is the straw that completely breaks my back. What can I do when even Jax’s mom doesn’t want to talk? To think of losing not only Jax, but his family that I had grown to love so deeply is the greatest pain I’ve felt yet.
My knees crack as I stand and drag myself to my van to go home. By the time I pull up, I hate the thought of facing my family inside, so I don’t.
Instead, I lean the driver’s seat back, curl up, and let the pain stab at my heart until I’m so numb I’m not sure if I’m living.
I avoid the cake on my birthday, avoid the whispers of my family, avoid all the texts from Gracie and Alyssa.
Missing school isn’t an option on Monday, but being there or not doesn’t matter much when I’m just a warm body with no brain to work.
“What’s up with Jackie?” someone asks Gracie in third period.
“Don’t ask,” Gracie says. “She’s just going through some stuff.”
I pretend not to hear and fold my arms on the desk, burying my head inside.
It takes a week before the denial starts to fade, but that denial ebbs into anger. What right did he have to leave me like that without giving me the chance? How could he just disappear from my life? It wasn’t like he didn’t have any secrets.
I keep snipping at my family when I’m home and pushing my friends away. My mom grounds me, but it’s not like it matters.
After another week, the what ifs start following me around. What if I had opened up to him sooner? What if I had kept my mouth shut at school? What if I had continued to run after him until he listened to me? If only I hadn’t been a Kpop fan, and we’d met another way.
But then, none of it works. I can’t go back and change the past, and I truly loved every moment I shared with him.
More times passes and I find myself searching through the pictures on my phone. I stay late at school and practice the drums while thinking of him. I hold on to those gifts he gave me and try to imagine what it would be like if I didn’t screw everything up.
A dark cloud follows me around all the time. I try to focus on school, but I no longer hang out with my friends. I spend my free time lying in bed. I take up babysitting again from time to time, but I don’t have the will to look for a new job or get involved in things.
Everything is gray. Food has lost its taste. Colors are no longer as bright. And even though it’s California, it starts to get cold at night and in the morning. The darkness seems to match my mood.
The grass stops growing and turns brown, leaves fall from the trees until they’re bare and scraggly. Only the palm trees are still green, but their drooping leaves don’t make me feel anything.
One day I drive to Jax’s house. The lights are all off, and no cars are in the driveway. Music to My Ears is completely shut down, and I can’t even find their website anymore. What I predicated about Jax’s reaction was spot on.
I wonder if they moved to Australia to be with Jax’s brother. It makes the most sense. Wherever they are, they’re no longer here, and that’s the saddest feel of all.
The Breakup