The New Gig

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By the time spring comes around, I begin to feel better, but I haven’t forgotten Jax, and I never will. This pain is now part of who I am, and I can’t stop living because of it.

It took some work to repair my relationship with Gracie and Alyssa, and it wasn’t until I wrote a couple new songs for Trumpethead that things look up again.

Now that I understand the drums, I write Alyssa better parts, and Gracie catches my vision with the guitar faster than I expect her too. We practice every weekend and look for gigs again.

We end up booking two gigs, one at a local coffee shop and one at a street fair, which is better than we’ve ever done before.

“This is how it should be,” Gracie says after one of our practices. “All of us lifting each other and working towards our dreams. Who needs boys?”

“Not me,” I say, and it’s the truth. I don’t need boys. I just need Jax, but he’s something I’ll never have. #foreveralone.

The day of the fair, we’re setting up and checking our instruments when my phone dings. It’s a text from my brother Simon, which is the weirdest since he never texts me.

Hey, it says, isn’t this that guy you dated?

There’s a link to an article with Jax’s name on the headline, but I can’t read it now. I ruined our last gig because I chased after Jax, and I won’t be making the same mistake. I can read about him later. He’s probably in Australia anyway.

We step out with our most upbeat song to get the crowd warmed up, then move into a few mid-tempo tunes. Some people actually hang around and listen, which is pretty awesome. A few kids stop their parents and point at me banging on the trumpet.

It feels amazing to be spotlighted like that. Towards the end we get to our newest song. It’s a bit I wrote to help me get over Jax. I didn’t make it sad or slow, because that wasn’t the life he gave me.

How it ended was where all the pain was, but our relationship was truly beautiful.

I thought I would be afraid.

Sometimes the light hurt.

But with you I could be me.

You told me to speak my mind.

Empowered me to stand.

With you I was carefree.

The crowd lets out a huge cheer at the end, more people than ever gathered around. The smile on my face feels like it’ll crack my cheeks. That was a thrill like no other.

We take a bow and try to leave the stage, but the people shout for an encore.

“What do we do?” Gracie says, covering the microphone. “Nobody has ever asked for an encore.”

“We have to give them something,” I answer.

Gracie nudges me. “You should do it.”

“What?”

“There’s that other song you sang for us,” Alyssa answers. “I remember the drum part, and I’m sure Gracie remembers the guitar.”

“We haven’t practiced it that much,” I retort. It’s true, but I know we can play it. What I’m not sure of is if I’m ready to bare this much of my soul to a crowd.

“We have to do something,” Alyssa says, echoing my earlier statement. She gestures to a couple of people who are leaving the audience.

I take the mic stand and look out over the faces of all the people. I try to picture Jax smiling, that dorky laugh of his that I like so much, and the way he made me feel whole.

Gracie starts strumming the guitar, and more people from the festival flock to the sound.

There was a time I thought I had it all.

I watched you from afar, feeling tall.

As long as I saw you, my world was right.

Even the sunshine felt all the more bright.

Then you disappeared, and my world was black.

It was clear you were what I lacked.

When you were there, when you were there. My heart could beat.

When you were there, when you were there. So candy sweet.

I put my soul into the song, the upbeat tune pushing my adrenaline, and close my eyes, allowing myself to get lost in the feel.

As the last notes come to an end I smile, tilting my head back to take it all in. That was a rush like I’ve never experienced before. When I finally look forward, my focus locks on a man standing at the back away from everyone else.

It has to be a dream, because he moved to the other side of the world. There’s no way he could be here. Maybe I’m hallucinating after the high I had from being on stage.

“Jax?” I say into the microphone, hoping I’ll see him react.

I do, but I don’t like what I see. He’s shaking his head and waving his hands like I shouldn’t be noticing him, but there’s nothing for it. I see him in everything.

Our set is over, and I can’t help it. I jump off stage and run after him, but he disappears into the milling people, and no matter how much my lungs burn and legs cramp, I can’t catch up.

“Jackie!” Gracie calls.

“You saw him, too, right?” I say to her as she tries to get hold of me.

“Yes,” Alyssa answers, huffing at Gracie’s side. “We saw him.”

“It’s been four months why would he come back like that?” Gracie asks.

Everything I tried to suppress rushes to the surface, crippling me. I don’t know why he’s back, but I do know that my un-healed wound is bleeding more than ever.

By the time I get home, my funk has completely taken over.

“Hey, Jackie,” Simon says as I walk in the door. “Did you see my text?”

I run up the stair and slam the door behind me. The last thing I need is Simon bugging me about Jax.

I climb into my bottom bunk and hide under the covers. For the first time since Jax left, I allow myself to cry.

For so long I tried to push down my emotions and forget everything, but that didn’t make me feel any better. Seeing Jax again and having him run from me was too much for my heart to handle.

There’s a knock on the door, and Simon’s voice comes through. “Jackie?”

“I don’t want to talk right now!”

“Geeze, PMS much?”

Why do men always assume if a girl is having a bad day, it’s a menstrual problem?

I throw a pillow at the door. “Go away!”

“I just came to tell you,” Simon starts, but I try to ignore him because, like...is he deaf? “Gracie and Alyssa are here to see you.”

What? But I just took them home...

I lift my head and see the door crack open with Alyssa and Gracie peeking through. This is so embarrassing. I’ll have to kill Simon later.

“Can we come in?” Alyssa’s voice is small, so they must know what a mess I am.

The guilt of breaking down in front of them so many times hits me. I don’t want to push them away anymore. I would sit up in my bed, but since it’s a bunk bed, I’d hit my head.

“Why don’t you wait downstairs?” I say. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Okay,” they answer, closing the door behind them.

I climb off the bunk and make my way downstairs. I really don’t want the company, but what can I do when they came over here? Simon stands in the kitchen. I know he’s eavesdropping, but I pretend not to know.

“Hey, guys,” I say, my voice heavy.

Gracie and Alyssa exchange a look of concern, but I ignore it.

Alyssa sets down a little black box and slides it across. “Sorry we didn’t give this to you earlier.”

I reach to pick it up, but Gracie stops me. “You were so far gone,” she says, “and that’s why we never handed it over. Then when we got you back, we thought it might ruin things. But after what happened today...” She releases the box, and I yank it towards myself.

There’s a beautiful silver necklace inside with two simple letters hanging from the bottom. J & J. For Jackie and Jax.

The day Jax left, he’d been holding this box. It was my final birthday present.

“There’s a note, too,” Alyssa points out.

I lift the black velvet perch the necklace sits on and see a piece of paper underneath. I pull it out and look to Gracie and Alyssa as I unfold it. Alyssa knocks her knees together while she stares at them, and Gracie has her focus on a picture on the wall.

Smoothing out the folds, I take in Jax’s comic-like handwriting and imagine how he once held this while thinking of me.

Jackie,

Happy Birthday! Since I couldn’t take you out, I wanted to make this day special. I hope you like your gifts. I have to tell you...there were so many times I wish I could’ve taken you out in public, but I can’t. I’m not sure if you’ll totally understand, but I abandoned a job I had in Korea for my mom, and my bosses were hunting for me. If anyone recognized me and told the media...I’d be extradited and face legal charges. If that happened, I’m not sure I could see my mom again. So I’ve been running from it. I almost got caught once when I was listening to music in Santa Monica, and since then, I’ve been paranoid to even go out. The only risk I took after that was to the movies with you, and even though it was fine, I was scared to do it again. Just...I really appreciate you being so patient with me.

XOXO

Jax

I crumple the paper and throw it to the ground, then storm up the stairs, leaving Jax’s gift where it was.

No wonder he ran from me so fast. I was the reason he was afraid, and I sent him into deeper hiding. I should’ve figured there were legal repercussions for his abandonment of Take5, and yet, I didn’t take that into account. Honestly, everyone knows Kpop stars sign slave contracts, including me. It wasn’t that I didn’t know. It was that I didn’t want it to be the truth.

Which left everything exactly as messy as it had been before.

I lean against the door and dissolve into the floor, knees tucked to my chest. So that was it then. There would be no getting Jax back. It was time to let him go.

A knock sounds behind me, but I don’t say anything.

“Jackie!” Simon calls. The last person I want to hear from. I ignore him.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Simon mutters. He bangs on the door harder. “I know you’re in there!”

“I’m not interested!” I yell back. I don’t need him rubbing it all in my face.

“Jackie, please. You’re really going to want to hear what I have to say.”

Ugh. He’d never give up pestering me. I’d have to face him head on.

I force myself to stand, and my legs are half-asleep as I tug the door open.

“I’m not in the mood for this.”

“You still haven’t read that text, have you?” he says.

I roll my eyes. “The last person I want to hear about right now is Jax.”

“Where’s your phone?” He barges into my room and starts turning over my pillows.

“Stop it!” I climb all over him. “That’s my stuff!”

He flips around, arm triumphant in the air. “Found it!”

“Give that to me!”

He’s stupid tall, which is annoying because I can’t get my phone. I try wrenching his arm and jumping for the phone, but there’s no way I can get it back. Worse yet, he’s not even ticklish like I am, so he keeps making me laugh when I’m just trying to get my property.

“Fine!” I say. “Keep my phone. I don’t even want to read that article anyway.”

I stomp out of the room, but Gracie and Alyssa are blocking my way down.

“I think you should read it,” Alyssa says.

Even my friends are conspiring against me? How dare they?

“Why should I?” I snap, my voice choked up. All that note did was bring me pain. This can’t be any different.

“Please.” Simon groans, loud as he can. “I don’t want to admit this, but I’m trying to help you.”

Yeah right, all Simon ever did was tease me. Why would he change his ways now?

I push my lips together, gaze on the ceiling.

“Seriously,” Simon says. “I know I’ve made fun of your Kpop obsession in the past.”

Understatement of the century.

“But this is different.”

I turn around to look at him, because for once he doesn’t sound like he’s joking.

“How so?”

Simon groans again, rubbing his eyes. “Are you really going to make me say it?”

I cross my arms. “How else am I supposed to know?”

He cracks his knuckles. “Fine!”

When he looks at me again, there’s something I’ve never seen in his expression before. Sympathy maybe?

“When we met Jax...I’ll admit he was kind of cool.”

Whoa, I was not expecting that.

“So?” I ask, not ready to let my defenses down yet.

“So...” Simon shuffles his feet, tearing at his hair. “When he broke your heart, I got really mad.”

My arms begin to uncross. Why would Simon be mad about that? He’s never really shown he cares, other than to poke fun.

“I tried to find the guy after he left because he promised me he would treat you well.”

“You did what?” I scream.

“Come on, Jackie,” he pleads. “You should’ve seen yourself. He needed to know what a mess he made.”

I lower my eyes, feeling small. I really was broken.

“I couldn’t find him, anyway,” Simon continues, “but, I did ask around online if anyone knew about him.”

He really went that far? I face Simon again. He’s still acting annoyed as heck, even if his words are suggesting otherwise.

“Then someone sent me that article I texted you. I wasn’t going to send it on, but I thought you deserved to know. I hoped it would help you heal.”

He holds out my phone. “Please, just read it.”

My fingers shake as I take it from his hands and unlock it, then open my texts.

Take5’s Jax comes forward about contract evasion, plans for the future, the headline reads.

I click on the link, more curious than ever.

It’s been almost two years since Jax from Take5 has last been seen. Despite the paparazzi’s best efforts, Jax has been able to avoid the spotlight, but now he’s speaking out in a statement released by entertainment company YPJ today. Read the full statement below.

Jax is very sorry for not contacting his fans sooner. His mother fell ill, and he felt he had to leave the company to watch over his family. He asks his fans for their forgiveness in this matter. Contract renegotiations are taking place. Please continue to be patient while Jax, Take5, and YPJ work through this issue.

Will Jax return to Take5? Take the poll!

I turn the screen black and stuff the phone in my pocket. I’m still not sure what this all means, but I’m happy Jax is going back. I hope he lives a wonderful life without me.