“‘YOUR HEAD IS so far up your arse, that lump in your throat must be your fucking nose.’
“‘You can’t leave, Dior.’
“‘Well, I sure as hell can’t stay, Gabriel!’
“We were stood in my bedchamber, glowering at each other. A fire was blazing in the hearth, the curtains open to the night outside. Through the window, I could see the chapel in the courtyard where I’d been wed, and beyond, braziers burning on the walls of Aveléne, illuminating the brave souls standing watch. But every now and then, one would cast their gaze up toward the keep, scowling black or muttering to a comrade. I knew the words they spoke. The fear they fought. But I didn’t care.
“‘You leave the shelter of these walls, you’re giving that sonofabitch exactly what he wants. You might as well tie a bow around your throat and deliver yourself to the Forever King!’
“‘I can’t ask these people to die for me, Gabe!’
“‘You’re not asking! Aaron’s commanding! They’re soldiers, that’s what they do!’
“‘They’re not soldiers!’ she shouted. ‘They’re fathers and mothers! Sons and daughters! You heard what Danton will to do to them if they stand against him!’
“‘He’s saying that to get inside their heads. The Beast won’t fight a battle when he can have you handed over without him risking his skin! I’ve been killing vampires half my life, and I tell you now, there is no one more afraid of dying than things who live forever!’
“‘Tell that to the people who are going to die on those walls.’
“‘Mighty fucking Redeemer, will you listen to me? You’ve seen the defenses Aaron and Baptiste have built. Every single one of those deathless bastards is shitting blood at the thought of hitting these walls. Danton wants you to blink! He wants someone to break!’
“‘And who says someone won’t? You think I matter more to those people than their own children? Who says they’re not gearing up right now to give me over?’
“‘Let them try,’ I growled, hand on Ashdrinker’s hilt. ‘Let them fucking try.’
“‘I am not going to hide up here like a rabbit while strangers risk their lives for me!’
“‘So where will you go, then?’ I demanded. ‘Out into the snow on foot? San Michon is two hundred miles up the Mère, and they’d run you down before you got twenty!’
“‘I don’t know, I didn’t kill these things for a living!’
“‘That’s right, I did! And I say the safest place for you is exactly where you are!’
“‘I won’t have it! Enough blood has been spilled on my account! Saoirse, Chloe, Bel, Rafa.’ Her voice broke then, and Dior turned away from me, eyes on the flames. ‘Sweet Mothermaid … didn’t you see what they d-did to him?’
“My voice fell, my temper with it. ‘… Of course I did.’
“I looked out beyond the window, and saw a pale shadow moving in the dark. The scent of rosewater and silverbell hung in the air with my whisper.
“‘It’s what they do, Dior. They hurt you through the people you care about.’
“I saw her outside now, waiting for me. Floating, as if submerged beneath black water, arms open wide as she trailed her fingernails across the glass. Pale as moonlight. Cold as death. No breath on the window as she drifted closer.
“‘My lion.’
“I turned my back, looking instead to the girl by the fire. ‘I can’t have more blood on my hands, Gabriel,’ she declared. ‘I can’t ask these people to die for me. I won’t.’
“‘This is war, Dior. Peasants starve so soldiers can eat. Soldiers bleed so generals can win. Generals fall so emperors can keep their thrones. It’s the way it’s always been.’
“‘I’m not a soldier, or a general, or an emperor.’
“‘You’re the Holy Grail of San Michon.’
“‘You don’t even believe that! That’s not what this is about, Gabe, and you know it!’
“‘I know you need to grow the fuck up!’ I roared. ‘Because if you are what Chloe believed, this is only the start of it! And it may not be just, it may not be right, but some pieces on the board just count for more than others! It’s no matter how many pawns were lost when the game is done! All that matters is who fucking won!’
“Dior looked at me hard, firelight gleaming in her eyes.
“‘I’m sure that’s poor solace for the pawn’s wife. Or husband.’
“She glanced down at the ink on my hands, swallowing hard.
“‘… Or father.’
“I scowled at that. ‘What are you—’
“‘I heard you and Aaron talking in the chapel.’ She’d stopped her pacing now, standing etched against the dancing firelight. ‘And I know what Danton was trying to say to you when he found out I was a girl…’ She shook her head, tears shining in her eyes. ‘Oh, Gabriel, you’re not destined to lose another?’
“‘Dead tongues heeded are Dead tongues tasted,’ I growled.
“‘You told Aaron they were at home. Astrid and Patience.’
“‘They are.’
“‘Then why would you leave them?’
“‘If you were eavesdropping, you already know.’
“‘You’re going to kill the Forever King.’
“‘That’s right.’
“‘But why? You left this war behind half a lifetime ago.’ She clenched her teeth, lips trembling. ‘I’m sorry, Gabriel. I truly am. But what you’re doing isn’t fair.’
“‘Fair, what’s not f—’
“‘I know why you want to protect me now, when you never gave a damn about me before. I know why you treat me different now you know I’m a girl.’ The tears were falling now, streaming down her face as she glanced to the ink below my knuckles. ‘And I’m sorry, but you can’t ask me to do this. I’m not her. I’m not them. I can’t fill that hole. I never will.’
“My hands were fists at my sides. Her pale shadow pressed against the glass behind me. Her soft whisper inside my head.
“‘Don’t listen, love…’
“‘I don’t—’
“‘You lied to Aaron,’ Dior said, her voice breaking. ‘I know what happened to them.’
“‘Don’t go someplace I can’t follow…’
“I turned back to the window, the shadow floating in the night beyond. Her skin was pale as the stars in a yesterday sky, her beauty of edgeless winters and lightless dawns, and my heart hurt to see her—that fearful kind of hurt you couldn’t hope to bear, save for the emptiness it would leave if you put it behind you.
“‘Tell me you love me,’ she begged.
“I turned to look at the girl, jaw clenched. ‘You stop this now.’
“‘The Worst Day,’ she insisted. ‘The day he found you. That’s why you left home, why you’ve come all this way. Why you drink. Why you don’t believe anymore. All of it. This isn’t about me, none of it is. It’s about them, Gabe. Astrid and Patience.’
“‘Promise you’ll never leave me.’
“‘Astrid and Patience are at home, Dior.’
“‘I know. I know they are.’
“She breathed deep, tears spilling down her cheeks. Eyes that saw the hurts of the world, and a heart that wanted to fix them. But she couldn’t fix this. No one could.
“‘That’s where you buried them, Gabriel.’
“The words were a knife to my chest. I felt my teeth clench so hard I feared they’d crack. A war drum beat in my temples, heart rushing as I turned to that shadow watching me from beyond the glass. She looked at me with pleading eyes, long hair floating about her like ribbons of silk, tearing now between my fingertips.
“‘Don’t,’ she begged me. ‘Don’t let me go, love…’
“The taste of betrayal was venom in my mouth, my fury white-hot in my chest. I looked down to the blade at my waist, that silver dame on the crossguard. And I tore Ashdrinker from her sheath, starsteel glittering in the firelight.
“‘You told her?’
“Gabriel, n-never.
“‘You talk about them in the past tense, Gabe,’ Dior whispered. ‘You talk in your sleep. All the time. About that day. The Worst Day.’
“‘Shut up,’ I whispered.
“Gabriel, p-put me down. Ye are upset, upset.
“‘Gabe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you…’
“‘My lion … please…’
“‘Shut up.’
“Think now, what ye do. Think of what she—
“‘I hear you talking to her sometimes. I know it hel—’
“‘You promised you’d never leave me. You—’
“‘SHUT UP!’
“I roared at the top of my lungs, turning and hurling the blade through the window. The glass blew outward, a million glittering pieces falling like snow as the sword sailed through the empty black outside. The wind blew through the shattered panes, and I slipped to my knees. Looking into the dark where she’d never been.
“Because she was at home.
“Where else would she be?
“I felt it rising inside me, pressing the walls of the dam I’d built. The denial, the drink, the smoke—all of it, anything to keep it at bay. But still, I stared out that broken window, that hole they’d left behind. I felt Dior kneel beside me, heedless of the broken glass as her fingers slipped into mine. My fangs had torn my lips, blood in my mouth, hair about my face as I bent double and tried to hold it inside.
“‘I don’t want to hurt you, Gabriel,’ Dior whispered. ‘I know what they meant to you. I can’t let other people die for me because you’re afraid to lose someone else you care about. I can’t be what you want me to be. But I am your friend. And I can be more than just a hill to die on.’
“‘What else is there?’ I whispered.
“‘A shoulder to cry on.’
“She shrugged as if it were the simplest thing in the world.
“‘If you want. I’ll not judge you ill for it.’
“I felt the words behind my teeth. Trying in vain to swallow them.
“To speak it would make it real.
“To speak it would be to live it again.
“But still …
“But still.
“I spoke.”