Once Thom shows Sarah the note, and tells her about his beliefs, his investigation seems to spill out of him. One tiny incision and Sarah has unleashed a waterfall. Unknown to him, Sarah has struck at exactly the right time and will easily gain the knowledge she thought she would have to work much harder to attain.
From the front step, Thom takes Sarah upstairs and shows her the notebook (but doesn’t let her read it), he shows her the collection of items he took from the lock up, he tells her about the lock up and how Daniel left it specifically for him, he tells her he met someone who has proof Daniel knew about his own death in advance.
Despite Thom’s disclosures, Sarah doesn’t reveal her own clues; such as the combination she discovered last night. She makes the noises of someone who is surprised to learn about Daniel and the prior knowledge of his own death. Yet there are some surprises. After all, Sarah has no idea there were such a multitude of clues and taunting items that had been left behind.
Thom can’t help drawing parallels between Sarah and Emma, in particular the way he has responded to both asking the same questions. What does that mean for him and Emma? What does it mean for him and Sarah? Thom feels he might already know the answer but he shrugs his thoughts away.
Sarah seems fascinated by his discoveries. He imagines he is a detective again, revealing all the answers to a less superior counter-part, and he delights in showing her some of his findings and delights equally in holding parts back.
He lets Sarah touch the objects from the lock up but it physically pains him. With each fingerprint she leaves on them, he feels his muscles tensing. Eventually he has to collect them up and put them away again without explanation. She begins moving towards the notebook but Thom snatches it up.
“I’d rather you didn’t”, he says and shoves it into a drawer. Sarah tosses her hair, unconcerned and runs her hand over the note, which is still on the bed in front of her.
“So this was your first clue?” Sarah questions, not looking up.
“Yes. I found it in Daniel’s room just before his funeral”.
“I thought nobody was supposed to go in there?” Sarah half-mocks him but he doesn’t appreciate it.
“Well I have more of a right than you do”, Thom snaps and throws himself down on the end of the bed. Sarah instantly apologises. Silence fills the room like a flood and Thom closes his eyes, letting it conquer him.
“Have you told Val or Richard about this?” Sarah asks after a few minutes. Thom reluctantly reopens his eyes and turns towards her.
“Would you?”
“It would be pretty devastating for them”.
“Do you think I should tell them?”
“No”, Sarah answers harshly, and then coughs gently, “I mean… it probably wouldn’t help anyone if you did”. Thom nods grate-fully but doesn’t realise Sarah is only protecting herself. Yet, Thom also knows he is running on a stopwatch, sooner or later Aunty Val or Richard will start asking questions about his behaviour and actions. If the positions were reversed, he would’ve asked ages ago.
“It feels good to share some of this”, Thom tells Sarah, who smiles whilst wrapping her hair around one of her fingers. It does feel good but, equally, Thom feels as though it’s been easier than it should’ve been. How can the words slip off the tongue like soft butter, yet have such a heavy impact like a bludgeoning? Thom feels betrayed by his secrets.
“I’m so happy you decided to tell me what you’ve been thinking”.
This troubles Thom. Has he really told her what he’s ‘thinking’? No, he has shown her some physical things that he’s been consumed with. Has he told her how he feels isolated? Has he told her how he feels guilty and sad about Daniel? Has he told her he can’t stop thinking about her red underwear and her black curls? No to all the above. She thinks she has submerged her head in his mind but she has only dipped a finger in.
“What are you going to do now?” Sarah persists.
What a question. Thom thinks and thinks more. He imagines he is in an interview and tries to think of an answer rapidly but it’s not possible. After several minutes of bending his fingers backwards and forwards he says, “I’m going to keep trying. I don’t know how but I’ll keep trying”.
As Thom speaks, he studies Sarah. At his words, he notices an odd flick of her head, a jut or a tick. Her chest is rising rapidly. Her forehead looks clammy. If he saw her in a lift now, he would guess she is having a panic attack. Yet she isn’t in a lift, she’s sitting on his bed having a quiet discussion. What is happening?
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine”, Sarah answers hastily. She gives Thom a wide- eyed look, pleading for him not to assault her and suddenly he thinks of her being attacked by the man in the street. He doesn’t want to make her feel afraid. Why is he always so suspicious? Perhaps she is just hot or feeling a little ill, what business is it of his?
“Sarah, tell me about your family”. Thom changes the subject, hoping this will relax her. Instead her face goes through several expressions in succession and Thom wants to kick himself. Her family were probably killed in some freak accident, he sighs inside.
“What do you want to know?” Sarah attempts a smile and Thom gets a sense she is stalling. More paranoia? Probably.
“Anything. I don’t mind”.
“Okay”. Sarah pretends to be selecting information or memories but really she is constructing lies. Thom waits patiently, allowing her more time than he should.
“I have a brother called Peter who’s three years older. He lives in Scotland now”, she pauses and hastily adds, “my Mum and Dad live in the country so I don’t see them much either”.
“When is the last time you saw them?”
“Probably one of their birthdays, I can’t remember exactly”.
“Do you all get on?” Thom is getting nothing from the quest-ions. What he wants to ask is; did the stranger tell the truth about you? Why haven’t you mentioned your family before?
“Yes, mostly. All families have their problems sometimes”, Sarah dismisses him confidently; anyone would’ve believed her.
“When you were having problems with your rent, couldn’t you have asked them for help?”
“I was embarrassed really”. She shrugs. It’s moments like these she’s had recently, when Sarah has begun to feel like a ‘normal’ person, who can have a conversation, who can answer unpredictable questions. Other times, she regresses and implicates herself without even trying.
“I understand. Sometimes it’s hard to ask for help, especially from those closest to you”.
“I’m glad I didn’t ask them because I wouldn’t have met you otherwise”, Sarah says quietly, bowing her head as though she has just told him the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to her. She is a frightened innocent in this moment and her hushed confession makes Thom’s obsession with Daniel thaw, for a few moments at least.
Thom gets up and moves next to her. She doesn’t look up as he scratches her cheek with his thumbnail. He wishes he didn’t have these bandages on anymore. He wants to press his palm against her warm cheek. Thom moves his thumb over her lips and she opens her mouth slightly, still keeping her eyes down. Thom wonders if she is only complying with his touch out of fear. Should he stop?
He can hear her swallowing, frozen except for her tongue brushing a layer of moistness over her lips. Thom touches the wetness with his thumb and imagines it is his tongue instead. Sarah hasn’t met his gaze yet and Thom worries briefly, she is staring at his erection. Yet with most thoughts in this area, the worry quickly disperses.
Thom is about to boil over with tension, her icy ignorance acting in reverse. Hoping she won’t scream, he kisses her. She finally meets his eyes, wide but not afraid, and grabs onto him. They kiss like they are grappling; it is hard, oddly diamagnetic. He finds, although she tries so hard to seem cold, her skin is as warm as other women’s.
Thom isn’t sure who pushes back first; he is still kissing her in his mind. His unfounded obsession with her has been partly indulged; he has felt those lips again and crushed her bouncy curls between his fingers. Strangely he also feels the desire to do it again turning his stomach like a violent urge to vomit.
They stare at each other for a few seconds, perhaps unsure that what they have done is ‘right’, perhaps still shocked that it has occurred, perhaps wanting more. Sarah stands up, smoothing her top as she does. As she passes Thom, she grazes the side of his neck with her fingers. Thom closes his eyes and a second later hears the door being closed with the same tenderness.