Boss’s Second Chance

Chapter One

Oliver

Three years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I’m not usually the type to exaggerate about things, so when I say it was the biggest mistake of my life, I truly mean it. I let the love of my life get on a plane and leave. I let her walk away, thinking it was for the best, thinking that it would all work out for the better. But it didn’t. And now I have to live with that.

To understand where I’m coming from, starting from the beginning is probably the best course of action. My father started a publishing company when he was a few years younger than I currently am. You don’t start a company without stepping on a few toes, and to really secure his place with money, fame and power, he befriended some not so nice people.

These people have kept him in power. He has used them to take down his enemies. He has used them to keep his competition in place. It started off with simple bribes, small threats...and then it grew.

I was clueless about this secret world that my father was a part of growing up. All I knew was that my family had money and fame, that we were different. I thought I was special because of all the hard work my father had put in over the years. I never realized how wrong I was.

Until I ended up caught in the same vicious cycle. My father started to act through me. He had me commanding things and I ended up getting lost in the power. I understand why my father went the route that he did. Because power is addictive. Once you get a taste of it...it’s so hard to let it go. You want to keep it, savor it, at any cost possible.

Twice now, that taste of power has cost me the woman that I love. This time, my child as well. I ended up in over my head and now I’m drowning in the waves of my choices. I’m drowning in the misery that I caused myself, and likely many others.

I’m so far in the deep end that I don’t know how to get out.

Despite claiming he would step down from his position in the company after being acquitted for a murder that I caused, my father never did. He has remained in power. I think it’s because he has nothing if he doesn’t have the company under his fingertips. My sister is living all the way on the West Coast, his last wife divorced him, and our relationship is rocky at best. Windsor Publishing is all that he has.

I step through the doors of the building, greeted by the white marble tiles of the lobby, the jungle of plants in the center, and the like-new black leather chairs. The lobby of the building is full of people chatting, speaking of business deals, and happy hours later.

People stop to stare as I enter the room, something I used to enjoy. I used to love being the center of attention. It’s unexplainable how powerful one feels in that situation. Now, I wish they’d look at anything but me.

Nobody speaks. The receptionist sitting behind the desk, an older woman with a mahogany brown ponytail doesn’t even smile in my direction. I give her the same attention that she gives me as I step into the elevator.

Instead of stepping into a leadership role, like I was promised when I stepped up the first time, I’ve become just a pretty face. My father uses me to make deals and to keep the authors happy. I’m just the face, saying whatever he wants me to.

The elevator ‘dings’ and I step out, facing the door of my father’s office.

I used to admire the man. I used to want to be just like him. That admiration turned into indifference, which quickly turned into hatred. I hate this man for his influence over me. I hate myself for falling for his twists and lies again and again. I hate that I ever trusted him.

His assistant is sitting at her desk by his door, blonde hair in a bun, pen cap between red lips as she stares down at a desk calendar. I clear my throat, warning her of my approach.

“Good morning, Noelle!” I greet her.

Noelle looks up from the desk, taking the pen cap from her lips and placing it on the desk.

She hates me.

She has every right to.

She doesn’t even hate me because of our past fling, the one where I left her high and dry without so much of a warning. She hates me because I made her best friend leave. She hates me for likely the same reasons I hate myself.

I haven’t tried to salvage a relationship between the two of us. I don’t see a point in doing so, knowing that there’s a more valuable relationship that I could save. I just don’t know how to. I don’t even know where to start.

She blinks in my direction, finally opening her mouth to speak.

“Oliver,” is all she says.

“Is my father in?”

She nods, takes her eyes off of me, and goes back to looking over the desk calendar.

I don’t bother her any further, stepping forward to knock on my father’s office door.

After the second knock, he calls out.

“Come in.”

So I push it open and enter. The office hasn’t changed in all of the years that I’ve been coming to it. It’s like he’s never seen the need to change any of it up. He looks up from the stack of papers on his desk, eying me up.

“Are you ready for your meeting today, Oliver? Jordan Lindsey is an important contract for us. I can’t risk you messing it up.”

Like I would. I know better.

I take a seat in one of the leather chairs across from his desk.

“I’m ready. I’ve already reviewed our issues with the contract and figured out exactly how to bypass them. Jordan will be signed by the end of the day.”

He looks at me, hard. His grey eyes remind me of looking into a mirror. They’re stormy, like a midnight sea. Unreadable.

“Good,” is all he says.

I wait for something else. I wait for him to tell me about how important signing Jordan is for us, to go on a tirade about it like he usually does. Instead, he’s just silent.

That makes me feel more uncomfortable than his rants do. Silence means something is on his mind, and that’s never a good thing.

Deciding against sitting in silence, I stand and turn to leave the room. That’s when he stops me, speaking again to break the silence.

“Oliver?”

“Yes?” I slowly turn to look at him.

“I trust you.”

I don’t know why he does.

The meeting with Jordan goes as well as I hoped it would. She signs the contract, officially becoming Windsor Publishing’s newest author. Her book, originally self-published, broke site records when it launched. Windsor wanted a piece of that, and I secured it for us.

I want to celebrate. Maybe if I had made different choices in the past, I could. If I had made all of the right choices, I would be heading home to my family, telling them to get ready because we’re going out to dinner tonight.

Cassidy would be my wife by now. I would take her and our daughter, who is now 3 years old, out on the town, wherever they wanted. Maybe I’d take them shopping because this is a moment to celebrate. It’s a big win for the company, which is a big win for us.

I’m alone. They’re somewhere else and all I have is myself.

I know I could ask almost any woman to accompany me out for a meal. All I’d have to do is say a few words and I would be able to worm my way into her bed and find comfort in not spending the night alone. I should know, I’ve done that many times before. It was practically how I lived before Cassidy walked into my office.

And it’s tempting. I’m so fucking tired of being alone. I’m so tired of constantly wallowing in this self-pity, of dealing with the repercussions for my actions, but all I can think about is her.

I wonder if she’s alone. I wonder if she’s been getting the money that I send her each month. I wonder what she told Lucy, our daughter, about me. Does she even know I exist? If she does, why does she think she’s never met me?

I’m sure I could ask Noelle and find out all the answers to the questions that haunt me, but I’m scared of the answers. I’m scared that she’s moved on. I’m scared that I let three years pass because I thought I was doing the right thing, only to lose the one chance to have what I truly want.

So, I push those thoughts aside. I decide that I’m not in the right mindset to deal with all of this. I decide that instead of going home and wallowing, I’ll go to the bar and have a drink.

Maybe I’ll be able to forget about the ghosts of my past, of the could and should be’s. Maybe for once, I won’t feel like the monster I know that I am.

Maybe I’ll drink enough to convince myself to call her, just to hear her voice again.

Chapter Two

Cassidy

I should have known I was going to be facing this alone. Maybe I was just naïve, or hopeful. I had faith that I wasn’t going to be raising a child alone. I went through with every detail of his ridiculous plans, giving up my dream job just because he thought it would be safer. He promised me that it would all be okay and like a damned fool, I believed him...

I can’t be too bitter. The bitterness gets me nowhere and despite all of it, I managed to walk away with the most beautiful thing in my life.

She sits in her tiny bear chair, her golden hair in pigtails. She’s eating pancakes, watching her favorite TV show. She’s never known him a day in her life, and she’s well-adjusted. She’s happy. 

I know that in a few years she’ll have questions, but as for right now, I’m happy not having to answer them.

I finish making my cup of coffee, getting it a nice shade of caramel before I join her in the living room. I take a seat on the couch, letting the TV show play in the background as I focus on the day ahead of me.

I’m working for Crosby Construction again, a construction company that takes on local and national projects. A few years ago, they got into a bit of a scandal and I was the one who saved the company’s reputation. They were thrilled to hire me back and I needed the job. I definitely had the leverage.

My attention goes back to Lucy, who’s just picking at the pancake on her plate, no longer taking bites from it, just picking it apart. I sigh.

“Lucy, I need you to either eat it or give it to me. We have to get you to your grandmother’s before I go to work.”

Every morning isn’t like this. Some mornings I have to pick up fast food or ask my mom to make her breakfast. Some mornings I don’t get the chance to even think about a cup of coffee. 

Another blessing in disguise about leaving New York and returning home to Georgia is having my mom close by. The fact she can watch Lucy whenever I need her to saves me thousands on trying to figure out childcare. 

“I’m eating,” Lucy says defiantly. As if to prove a point, she picks off another piece of blueberry pancake and stuffs it into her mouth.

I sigh again. Some mornings are more difficult than others.

“Don’t you want to go to your grandmother’s today, Lucy?”

“No.”

“And why not?”

“I want to stay home with mama.”

I work more than I should. I get weekends off, but I can get called in at a moment’s notice. I often do. Working in PR, I need to be able to be there at the drop of a hat to fix whatever problems arise. These days, it’s usually just the need to shut down the old prostitute rumors, but other things pop up from time to time. 

“I know.” 

I place my cup on the coffee table, relenting to the fact that I’m going to be getting to work a bit late today. I get off the couch and walk over to where Lucy is sitting. I squat down next to her, reaching up and giving one of the pigtails a playful tug to make her look at me.

“How about...we go to the petting zoo on Saturday?” I offer, “We can go see the goats and the pigs and maybe ride a pony?”

It’s the best thing I can offer her.

I don’t think Lucy was into it at first but as soon as I mention a pony ride, her grey eyes light up. They’re so much different from her father’s. Her eyes are expressive, a lighter shade of grey.

“Promise?” she asks, bottom lip jutting out in the most adorable of pouts.

Reaching out, I tap the tip of her nose.

“Promise. Now, let’s clean up a bit and go see grandma. I’ll make sure she plans something fun for you today, alright?”

I’m only fifteen minutes late to work. Not late enough for them to notice or even care. After I promised Lucy a trip to the petting zoo this weekend, she started to listen a lot better. 

Crosby Construction is located in a small office building. It’s reminiscent of a small-town doctor’s office. Based inside a small white building, you enter through a small lobby with roughly five chairs and a faded blue carpet. Barb, the receptionist, is an older woman who hardly smiles and grunts when you speak to her.

I miss Noelle so much.

I walk right past Barb and into the back with the rest of the offices. Neil, the current owner’s office is right up front. The door is closed, and I can hear him speaking loudly on the phone. 

My office is towards the back, roughly the size of a small cubicle. It fits a desk and a single chair, with faded white walls and the same faded blue carpet as the rest of the building. It’s never really felt like ‘mine’, but I make it work. I’ve decorated my desk with personal photos and trinkets I’ve collected over the years.

I think the best part about working at Crosby is there are no memories associated here. I’ve never had a personal connection to any of my coworkers. I’ve never made out with them in a supply closet or cried in their arms on a sofa.

I’ve never fallen in love in this building, and that makes work a hell of a lot easier. 

I log onto my computer, waiting for the slow dial-up to connect me. As soon as I’m on, I start checking emails. So far, so good this morning. Nobody’s bringing up the fact the old owner, Neil’s father, used to solicit prostitutes while in the building, which ultimately ended his marriage and almost burned the company to the ground.

As I continue to sort through my emails, there’s a knock on my office door. Looking up, I see Neil. 

“Everything alright?” I ask.

A part of me is expecting to get a lecture about showing up late for work, instead, Neil offers a smile.

“Paula was wondering what size Lucy currently is. We have some clothes that Amy never fit into and were wondering if Lucy could use them.” 

I don’t need hand-me-downs. I’m paid enough to clothe myself and my daughter, pay our bills and let us live a pretty comfortable life. It’s nothing like the life I could give her if her father was still involved...but it’s a good life. 

But I also know they’re not asking because I’m struggling. It’s the mountain town hospitality. Neighbors helping neighbors. I was expecting more people down here to look down on a single mother, but instead, I’ve found people are more willing to help.

“She’s in a 3T,”

Neil nods, “Got it. I’ll send Paula a message and let her know. Would you like to come over for dinner tonight? Amy’s been wanting to play with Lucy something awful.”

“Probably not tonight...” I trail off before scrunching my lips to the side, realization hitting me like a brick wall.

“Neil, are you trying to hook me up with somebody again?” I make sure the last word is particularly exasperated.

The last time I had dinner with Neil and Paula, he invited over one of his employees, a sweetheart named Michael, and suggested that we go to dinner together. They even offered a double-date provided we could find childcare.

“Well, Michael’s still waiting on a phone call from you.”

“I’m not dating, Michael, Neil. I’m not interested in dating.”

“Paula and I just think it would be good for you.”

Would dating be good for me? I doubt it. Do I really need more stress in my life? Do I really need all the drama that dating involves? Personally, I don’t think so. I tried dating and it just didn’t pan out.

Who wants to deal with all of that heartbreak?

“That’s great. You and Paula can date Michael. He seems like a nice guy,” I grin playfully.

Another plus to working at Crosby is that I’m not scared to death of my boss. Alan Windsor always left me unsettled, always kept me on edge like I was waiting for his approval at every turn. And I hated that feeling. I understand there’s supposed to be some respect between a boss and his employee, but respect and fear are two different things.

Neil feels like family. He makes the office feel warm. Maybe it’s not where I want to be, but I’m okay here. 

He makes a face at me before rolling his eyes. “Fine. Michael isn’t good enough for you. Give me a week and I’ll find another fine gentleman to sweep you off your feet.”

“If you can manage to do that, Neil, I will be completely impressed.”

“You have to be open to love, Cassidy,” he says in a singsong before leaving me alone.

I roll my eyes even after he’s gone. If only he knew the hell that Oliver Windsor put me through, he’d understand why I’m not eager to let somebody in like that again. At least not until the wound heals.

I turn my attention back to cleaning out my inbox and emailing marketing back with some feedback on current commercial ideas, what we should touch on, and what we shouldn’t. 

I think about giving Noelle a call during my lunch break, asking what she thinks about going out to lunch with Michael.

It wouldn’t hurt anything...would it?

Chapter Three

Oliver

The bar is downtown, swank, new. The music playing is soft jazz that begins to sound like the same song playing on repeat. I sit alone at the bar, sipping from my second glass of whiskey. I don’t interact with the people around me. I ignore the cute blonde bartender who winks at me when she brings me refills. She’s always here, always telling me my drinks are on the house. I know exactly what she’s after...but I don’t care.

Younger me would be all for it. I would accept her offer, stick around until close, and invite her somewhere. Now I hardly look at her. I want to say that I’ve changed, but have I really? 

Before I can wave her down to ask for my third drink, my phone begins to buzz in my pocket. I consider ignoring it...but there’s always a chance that it’s her. I don’t know why it would be. She hasn’t tried contacting me in at least a couple years, but what if? I reach into the pocket of my slacks and grab my phone, seeing Noelle’s name pop up on the screen. 

That’s even stranger than Cassidy calling me. I click the button to answer and bring the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Oliver,” she says my name hurriedly, worry clear in her voice. “I need you to come to the hospital in lower Manhattan.”

I forget the glass of whiskey sitting in front of me. I straighten up in the bar chair, reaching behind me and putting my suit jacket on as quickly as I can manage while still balancing the phone.

“What’s going on, Noelle?”

“Look, just get here,” she says, and I can tell that something’s really wrong. “Please,” she adds quickly before hanging up.

Reaching into my back pocket, I retrieve my wallet and slam some cash on the bar in hopes that it’s enough to cover my tab. After that, I leave the bar and hail a taxi, worry building in my chest.

I don’t know what’s going on – and that’s the scariest part. Noelle’s phone call was so cryptic that it left me in the dark. I instruct the taxi driver to head towards the Lower Manhattan Hospital and tell him I’ll pay more the quicker he gets me there.

The buildings and people zoom past us as we drive. I pull my phone out of my pocket, debating on texting Noelle to see what’s going on. Maybe I could get a better answer through text messages.

Before I can, the driver stops in front of the emergency entrance to the hospital. I pull the remaining cash out of my wallet and force it into his hand. Getting out of the car, I step through the sliding doors of the hospital, searching wildly for a sign of Noelle or something familiar. The anxiety is coming to a breaking point in my chest.

“Oliver!” Noelle calls to me from around the corner.

I feel relief when I see her. I rush over to where she stands, searching her face to see if I can see what’s going on. She’s a blank slate of worry.

“What’s wrong?”

She looks down at the ground before looking back up at me.

“Your father collapsed.”

“And?”

I don’t know why that’s my first reaction. Maybe it’s the child in me, constantly viewing my father as someone invincible. Over the past few years of my life, I think I’ve truly come to believe that he is. He weaseled his way out of a murder charge, saved his company from the brink of bankruptcy. 

“I don’t know,” she says, “I’m not family, so I’m not privy to any information. I didn’t want to bother Alan with questions, so I’ve just stayed out here, waiting for you to come.”

“Where is he?”

“I’ll show you.”

I follow Noelle down a hallway and into one of the elevators. She presses the button for the fifth floor, and we ride up in silence. I don’t know what I’d even say to her if I were to strike up a conversation. We’ve never been friends. The one thing that brought us together is the one thing I completely ruined in my life.

We step out of the elevator and she points me to room 523. I take a deep breath, feeling some of the anxiety in me begin to quell. He was probably just dehydrated, probably overworked himself, or forgot to eat lunch. It wouldn’t be the first time, but he’s older now. It likely takes more of a toll on his body.

I knock on the door and step inside.

Nothing ever prepares you to see your parent lying in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of them. Even if your relationship with that parent is rocky...it’s still a hard thing to process.

He looks up when I enter the room, something softer about his eyes.

“I told Noelle not to worry you.”

“She didn’t,” I lie. I step further into the room, coming around to stand by his bedside, “I just wanted to see if it was true.”

“That something finally took me down?”

“Exactly.”

Our relationship has always been complicated. Likely more complicated than I can even comprehend. I’ve always wanted to appease him, wanted to be his golden child. I followed in his footsteps, followed all of his advice. I did whatever he needed of me, but I still feel like I’ve never quite earned his approval.

Lying in the hospital bed, I realize just how old he looks. His formerly brown hair is greying, quicker than I ever realized. His face is more wrinkled than I imagined. My father no longer looks invincible. He looks frail.

“Heard anything from a doctor?” I ask, stuffing my hands into my front pockets.

“Yeah,” he shifts in bed. “He said something about a heart attack. Something minor. Nothing to worry about. I should be out of here by tomorrow.”

“A heart attack? Minor?” I raise my eyebrows. “That sounds serious.”

“I realize that it does, but it’s not. The doctor assured me that I just need to start taking heart medicine daily, lessen my stress, the usual. Like I said, nothing to worry about. So, don’t you dare go calling your sister.”

I hadn’t even thought of telling Allison. I haven’t seen her in a few years. She’s been off on the West Coast, living her California dreams or something. She pulled away when she realized just who our father was, and I’ve always wondered if she made the right decision.

Maybe I should have done the same thing.

“Alright,” I say, realizing that there’s not much else left to say between us.

We’re not a family of sentiments. We’ve never been open emotionally and there’s no point in starting now. He’s fine. No need to worry. 

“You should go get some rest. You’re going to have to step in for me tomorrow. I doubt the doctor will let me go back to work immediately.”

“Right,” I nod, looking around the room. “Alright then. I’ll see you tomorrow. Call if you need anything, okay?”

My father does something out of character. He reaches out and takes my wrist, pulling me a few steps closer to him.

“I will, Oliver,” he says. “Have a good night.”

“Night dad,” I reach out and give his hand a squeeze before stepping back and leaving the room. 

I find Noelle in the small waiting room, legs crossed, and bouncing as she sits in one of the chairs.

“He’s fine,” I tell her. “Small heart attack, but he’ll be fine.”

I watch the expression on her face turn into one of relief.

“I was scared to death. He was talking to me and then he just collapsed.

I didn’t know what to do.”

“Thank you for coming with him, Noelle. And thank you for calling me. It’s appreciated.”

“He’s your father.”

I go home and try to get some sleep, just like my father requested me to do. I don’t know what to expect when I walk into the office tomorrow, but if it’s anything like it was when I took over for him last time, it’s always a challenge.

I shower, crawl into bed, and force myself to fall asleep. I try not to think about my own self-pity sorrows, my mistakes, or the upcoming stress of the next day.

I’m awoken around five in the morning, someone knocking on my bedroom door. I sit up slowly, running a hand through my hair and turning on my bedside light. 

“Come in?” I call out.

The door cracks open and I see Edward standing there.

“Oliver,” he says my name softly, “I need to tell you something.”

Edward practically raised me. Hired as the family’s valet before I was even born, he became a father-like figure in my life while my own father spent most of his time at the office. He steps further into the room. His face is hard to read in the dim lighting of the room.

A part of me wants to demand to know why he woke me up, but I also know Edward. He wouldn’t wake me up without a reason to. 

“Yes?”

I see the expressionless look on his face start to melt away. It reveals stress and worries hidden behind it.

“Well.”

“What is it, Edward?”

He swallows, “I just received a call from the hospital.”

Shit. What did my father do? Did he harass a nurse? Throw a hissy fit when they wouldn’t let him get his way? Or maybe he’s had a reaction to one of the medications and they need someone to go calm him down. 

“What has he done?” I ask. “I suppose I have to go clean up his mess.”

Again.

“Oliver,” he says my name again, reaching out for my arm. He grabs it.

“Your father passed away an hour ago.”

“What?”

I don’t think I fully process what Edward’s telling me. It doesn’t make sense. A few hours ago, he was talking about how it wasn’t anything huge. This is a weird dream, a sick joke. I look past Edward, toward my door, expecting my dad to come walking through it with a grin on his face.

“The heart attack wasn’t minor. He knew last night that he likely wouldn’t make it through the night.”

That doesn’t make sense. Why would he lie about something like that? 

My world feels like it’s now moving in slow motion. My mind can’t keep up. He’s dead. I know Edward wouldn’t joke about it. I know Edward wouldn’t tell me that without being sure, but I can’t accept it. My father is dead.

I expect to feel the warm sting of tears at the corners of my eyes. I expect to feel my heart fall in my chest or nausea to overtake me. Instead, all I feel is this empty blankness. I feel like something just isn’t right in the world like a piece is missing.

He’s dead – and I never imagined a world without him in it.

Chapter Four

Cassidy

My alarm wakes me up, blaring in the darkness of my bedroom. Groggily I roll over, grabbing for my phone blindly until my hands grasp it. I’m surprised I slept until my alarm went off. Normally, Lucy wakes me as she crawls into my bed, saying that she didn’t want to sleep alone.

I guess she’s worn out from yesterday. Mom said something about taking her to the park. Once my phone is in my hands, I cut the alarm off immediately, thankful when the alert sound stops. I clear out my notifications and check emails. Finally, I check the news.

It’s a habit that developed back when I was working as the Windsor’s PR representative. I was always checking, waiting for the next scandal to sneak up on me. Working for Crosby is a lot less stressful of a job, but I still check the news. Just in case.

The headline that I see before me takes me by surprise. My eyes open wide. No coffee necessary this morning. Right there, in a bold headline, ‘Alan Windsor, dead at 59.’

I click the article, scanning through it. His assistant reported that he collapsed the night before and was rushed to the hospital. He had a heart attack, evidently, and that’s what did him in. Not many details are known.

Immediately, I feel torn. 

Alan was a thorn in my side from the beginning. He was always conniving behind my back. Alan was always pushing Oliver away from me, pushing him to do whatever he thought was for the best. He pushed Oliver down a road that I couldn’t follow and while Oliver is an adult and can choose his own path, I know that his father influenced it heavily. I know that if his father weren’t telling him what he should or shouldn’t do, the issues never would have arisen. 

If it weren’t for Alan, I would still be in New York. Lucy would have her father in her life. I wouldn’t have given up my dream job because he wouldn’t have pressured Oliver into getting himself into the mess that he had. 

I don’t think I ever really knew Alan Windsor. I don’t think a lot of people did. I remember him saying he was excited to be a grandfather, but he never met Lucy. He never even tried. I remember the small smiles of approval that I found myself seeking while working for him and the realization that that’s what his children felt growing up with him.

I wonder if I should reach out to Oliver, check on him. I wonder how he’s holding up. Is he a mess or is he holding strong? But I tell myself not to. He hasn’t bothered to reach out to me about his own daughter, sending checks each month as if that’s a way to make up for it.

Instead, I give myself a moment of silence to mourn for Alan and feel the worry and pain that I feel for Oliver.

I don’t have the time to mull it over. I can’t stay in bed all day caught up in my own emotions. I have a daughter that I need to take care of.

She takes priority.

I think Lucy knows that something is off. She’s not a hassle this morning like she normally is. I’m able to get her up and dressed with ease. She watches TV quietly and eats her breakfast. When I tell her that I’m taking her to her grandmother’s, she doesn’t object. She just grabs what toys she wants to bring with her and reaches out for me to pick her up.

I drop her off at my mom’s house, as she runs inside to go find my mother’s dog to play with. My mom looks at me with softened eyes. 

“Are you okay?” she asks.

It’s not my loss. I’m not really mourning it. I feel strange, more worry for Oliver despite wishing I didn’t give a damn about him.

“I’m fine,” I tell her. “I was sorry to hear it, but I’m doing alright. We weren’t close.”

“Have you heard from –”

She doesn’t have to finish her sentence, I know what she’s going to ask. I shake my head.

“No. Haven’t heard from him in three years. Do you really think his father’s death is what’s going to make him reach out?”

I lean against the doorway, crossing my arms over my chest.

“I know he was a big proponent as to why you two broke up.”

Nobody except Oliver and I know the whole story about why we’re no longer together, why I left New York to come back home. Nobody truly knows how twisted Alan Windsor is – was. It’s a secret I can’t let out because it’ll affect Oliver.

I don’t know why I’m still protecting him, but I am.

“Yeah, but if he truly wanted us to be together, he would have said to hell with his father. We both know that. Oliver never tried to fight for us.”

It’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to accept. Oliver never cared as much as I thought that he did, because he never tried to fight. He let me walk away time and time again, once while I was pregnant with his daughter. He promised me the world and then tossed me to the side, thinking money would hush me so I wouldn’t tell the world what I know.

I see the sadness in my mother’s eyes. This isn’t what she wanted. She raised me as a single mother, she had to deal with it all by herself. She didn’t want me to know the struggle. Maybe I’m a little better off than she was, but not by much.

“It’s his loss, Cassidy. Lucy is a beautiful, bright little girl. He’s the one missing out.”

“I know, doesn’t mean it’s not hard. It’s hard to accept that he wants to miss out on her entire life.”

“I know, sweetheart,” she reaches out and pulls me into a hug, and I return it.

The best part of all of this is having my mom near to help me through all of this. I can’t imagine trying to make it through without any support at all. When we part, I look past her to see Lucy sitting on the hallway floor playing with my mom’s dog. A smile pulls over my face when I see her, and I realize I can’t dwell on any of the struggles.

I have to keep moving forward with her in mind.

“I gotta get to work,” I say. “I’ll see you when I come to pick her up, alright?”

Chapter Five

Oliver

I don’t know what I’m doing. I walk through the doors of Windsor and everybody looks at me. I feel like they’re expecting something out of me, and I don’t know what. Should I be crying? Should I look more distraught? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

I haven’t had time to process my emotions, but like my father used to always say, ‘The show must go on.’ I used to think about how cheesy and idiotic it sounded, but I understand where it comes from. Once a weakness is shown, everything will start to collapse.

So, without a word to anybody, I step into the elevator and press the button to go up to my office. That’s going to be hard to get used to. It was my office at one point before, but I knew that time it was going to be going back to him. Now, I’m going to have to figure out how to handle this on my own.

I step out of the elevator and see Noelle, fiddling with her phone at her desk. When she sees me, her eyes grow wide. 

“I didn’t know you would be coming in today.”

“I have to. I told him I would.”

She nods, putting her phone down on the desk.

“What do you need from me then?” she asks. 

I don’t know what I need from anybody. I need somebody to tell me what in the hell to do. I approach the door, my hand lingering on the knob. I don’t want to step inside; I don’t want to do this. A part of me keeps thinking that this is all a dream. I’m going to wake up in a cold sweat and be thankful that it’s not true.

“Tell me if he has any appointments. We’ll reschedule them for later this week. I’m going to need an up to date on all of his paperwork as well. Thank you, Noelle.”

I hope I seem like I know what I’m doing. 

I turn the office door and step inside.

I spend the morning writing emails, letting people know about the power change after Alan’s death. I assure them that everything will stay the same with their contracts and the functions of Windsor Publishing. 

I spend the afternoon sorting through his paperwork, finding what’s relevant and what isn’t. I skip lunch, continuing to try and find what I can to keep myself distracted. I don’t check the news or reply to any messages about interviews. The last thing I want to do right now is make a statement. 

What would I even say? 

‘My dad’s dead. It sucks. I’m taking over now. Thank you all for coming’.

I just need to keep focusing on moving Windsor forward. That’s what he would have wanted. 

I feel utterly alone, a feeling I’m not entirely used to. I’m used to having somebody around to lead me in the right direction, or a direction at least. Usually Cassidy or my father. Both of them are gone now and honestly, I’ve never felt more hopeless.

My father’s funeral is everything he could have wanted. An expensive casket, a church full of people who all likely wanted him dead at some point, and press coverage. Allison flew in from the West Coast, an emotional mess. She’s been blaming herself for not being here, for putting him under so much stress throughout the years. I’ve done my best to assure her that I’ve put him under far more stress than she ever has. If anything, it would be my fault.

I’m not ridiculous enough to believe that this is my fault. My father was under a lot of stress, he had a family history of heart problems, he didn’t take as good of care of himself as he should have. It was only a matter of time. 

I just wish that it wasn’t.

Allison and I both speak at his funeral. We say the typical things one says. ‘My father was a great person’, ‘we know everybody loved him’. We both tell stories about times that he was a great father...and a part of me wonders if these are the only stories that we have representing it. 

Alan Windsor was a lot of things, but I don’t think either of us would call him a ‘great father’.

As the funeral comes to an end, the pews of the church begin to clear out. People file out, chattering among themselves, onto the rainy New York sidewalk. We’ll be having a private burial tomorrow morning, in the same cemetery his father and mother are buried in.

I know I need to stand and leave the church, but I can’t urge myself to move. Next to me, Allison reaches out for my hand. 

“We should go,” she says.

“I know.”

But neither of us moves. We sit, staring blankly ahead at the coffin that houses what used to be our father. Now just a corpse, a memory. 

“I can’t believe he’s dead,” Allison’s voice is soft, threatening to break at any moment. 

I don’t know if I have it in me to comfort her.

“Neither can I.”

“I never imagined that he would actually die.”

“Neither did I.”

“He always seemed so invincible,” she falls silent and I’m thankful for that.

I want quiet. I want peace. But I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts. I’ve been alone with my thoughts since Edward told me my father was dead. All I can think of is how utterly alone I feel, how I don’t know what to do or where to go now. Forward, is all I can think about, but how? How does one move forward after this?

Never one to let the silence linger for long, Allison speaks again.

“I expected to see Cassidy here.”

“Why?”

“He’s the grandfather to her child. I thought she would be here to support you.”

“She’d be an idiot if she was.”

“Ollie!”

“It’s true, Allison. I let her walk away. I’ve let her raise a child by herself. I’ve let her do all of this alone because he’s consistently made me choose between family and her. Because I wanted to keep her safe from him.”

“He’s dead,” she says, and I feel annoyance wash over me. 

It’s a white-hot feeling, one that makes my hands want to tremor. I want to reach over and grab her by the shoulders, shake her until she realizes that yes, he’s dead. There’s nothing we can do about it.

Instead, I quietly agree, “I know.”

“That means he’s not in the way anymore, Oliver. It means that you’re out from underneath his thumb. You can always fix things.”

Of course, I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about fixing things for years now. I’ve imagined numerous scenarios where Cassidy and I fall back together again, but I don’t see how that’s possible. I think the gap between us is too large, the wound too deep. 

“I don’t think fixing things is possible, Allison. It’s nice in theory, but I think the time for that is over now.”

“You’ll never know until you try. And maybe things are rough between you and Cassidy, but what about your daughter? I’ve seen pictures, she’s adorable.”

That gets my attention. My head whips around to look at Allison, I’m sure my face is shocked. 

“You’ve seen photos?”

“Yeah? Cassidy and I are friends on social media. She posts pictures of Lucy every now and then.”

I haven’t seen my daughter since she was born. Cassidy sent me one photo the day she was born. After that, I haven’t seen anything else. I never tried to look either, knowing it would only be another stab in the gut. Why should I be allowed to see her when I haven’t been in her life? 

It’s another one of those things that I don’t have a good reason for. I can’t justify what I’ve done, the choices that I’ve made. I think they’ve all been made out of fear and necessity, not truly following my heart and how I feel.

I swallow, “I haven’t seen her in years.”

Allison blinks, slowly, as if she doesn’t completely process what I’m telling her.

“Are you serious?” she finally asks.

“Dead.”

She reaches into the purse on her side, pulling her phone out. I watch as she presses a few buttons, types a thing or two, and then extends her phone towards me. 

Right before my eyes, I see a beautiful little girl. She has golden blonde hair, so reminiscent of my own, and the brightest smile like Allison’s. She also has the most striking light grey eyes. In the photo, she looks towards the camera and is smiling widely. She’s wearing a red and black plaid dress with a little black bow in her hair. Next to her is a brown and white horse and Lucy is petting her nose.

I stare at Lucy for a minute, trying to process how I helped to create this beautiful thing. I can’t believe how she’s grown. She looks happy and healthy, which is all I could ask for.

When I finally pull my eyes off of Lucy, I look to her other side. I see Cassidy standing there, her arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly so she can pet the horse. It looks like the last three years, and motherhood hasn’t changed Cassidy in the least. Her hair is cut to her shoulders now, curling at the ends. She’s smiling widely as she holds Lucy, clearly proud.

When I see her, my heart skips a beat before falling in my chest. I realize how much I miss her, how much I’m missing out on. I should be in this photo, standing next to the two of them, but I made the choice to forget that. I chose to let all of this go.

“She’s beautiful,” I finally say, forcing myself to look away from the photo. I know that if I don’t, I’ll continue to just stare at it.

“Evidently she’s super smart too. It’s not a surprise when you think of who her parents are,” she smiles, putting her phone back into her purse. 

“I’m not surprised. I’m sure Cassidy is doing a great job raising her.”

“Especially since she’s doing it alone.” 

“Allison...I didn’t have a choice.”

“Maybe not when our father was alive, but he’s dead now,” she says it and starts to sniffle. I watch as she wipes at her eyes, trying to straighten herself out. “Nobody’s standing in your way now though. Except yourself. Maybe it would be the best time to make amends.”

“I don’t think ‘amends’ is something Cassidy and I can make. I doubt she’ll ever forgive me.”

“You don’t know that. Isn’t it worth trying? Maybe you can’t repair your relationship with Cassidy, but what if you can develop a relationship with Lucy? What if you get the opportunity to be in your daughter’s life? Isn’t that worth trying?”

I find myself staring at my younger sister, the one who I used to have to drag out of nightclubs because she couldn’t stand, the one who I never used to see sober. How is she so mature now? Have I missed out on her growing just like I’m doing with Lucy? I know it’s comparing apples to oranges, but it feels similar. 

The world around me is changing and all I’ve done is stay in the same place, listen to my father’s advice, and realize that it was getting me nowhere, but I stayed too scared to change.

Maybe Allison is right. Maybe I should take the chance and try to repair things between Cassidy and myself. Maybe not to move forward in a relationship, but truly co-parent like our original plan was. Maybe I should try to be an actual father, instead of somebody who just sends a check each month.

I’m terrified. The very thought of it all scares me to death. I’ve never placed myself in a situation where I could be seen as vulnerable before, but this is it. In doing this, I could risk having my heart shattered. If Cassidy won’t even let me see Lucy...I won’t blame her...but it would hurt.

But if I don’t try, I’ll forever be haunted by my past mistakes, by all of these demons.

I straighten in the pew, raking a hand through my hair. Now that I don’t have to be presentable, I don’t care how messy it gets. I feel the semi-gelled pieces of it fall out of place. 

“I should try,” I tell her. “You’re right.”

“I know,” Allison pulls her purse strap over her arm, preparing to slide out of the pew. “So, let’s bury our father tomorrow morning and then you take a flight down to Georgia. Meet your daughter or die trying.”

“Little dramatic considering what we’re going through right now.”

“We’re Windsors, Ollie. We’ve always had a flair for drama.”

“I hate how right you are.” 

She slides out of the pew and I follow behind her. I take a deep breath before the two of us walk out of the church, cameras flashing. Reporters try to approach us, asking questions about how we feel, about the state of the company. Thankfully, the light at the end of the tunnel is Edward, with the door to the backseat of the car open.

I slide in next to Allison, my mind made up about what I’m going to do.

Chapter Six

Cassidy

“I really appreciate this,” I mutter, sitting in the passenger’s seat of Michael Wilson’s car.

I don’t know Michael too well, aside from an awkward attempt at a set up over dinner at Neil’s house. The set up didn’t work, we didn’t really get along that way, but I found a friend in him. So, at least that’s a win.

About an hour ago, on the way home from my mother’s house, my car came to a complete stop on the side of a mountain backroad. So, I was stuck, with a toddler who hadn’t had dinner yet and was getting fussy. My mom was unable to come to get us because she’s been having car issues as well, so I called the only other person I could, Michael.

Within ten minutes, Michael was there. He made the call for a tow truck for me, stayed by my side until it came, and then offered to drive Lucy and me home, picking up fast food for dinner on the way. 

I am unbelievably thankful for this man.

Keeping one hand on the wheel, he looks over at me with a smile.

“Don’t mention it. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep if I left you and Miss Lucy sitting on the side of some curvy backroad. Have you seen how teenagers drive down those roads?”

“I was a teenager once here, I remember how I drove down those roads,” I laugh.

Being with Michael is easy because there are no expectations. I don’t sit here, wondering what to do or say that will impress him. I don’t wonder what he’s thinking of me, because I don’t care. He’s just a friend, and that’s what I really need right now. I don’t think I’m ready to start dating again.

“Oh?” he raises an eyebrow, “Are you telling me that Cassidy had a wild streak?”

“I wouldn’t call it wild,” I laugh. “I would just refer to it as being a reckless kid. Weren’t we all as teenagers?”

“Not me.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Luckily for you, you don’t have to,” Michael grins over to me. He pulls into the driveway of my home, turning the car off.

“Let me help you get Lucy inside and settled.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know that.”

He doesn’t give me a chance to argue any further. He puts the keys into his pocket and gets out of the car. He walks around to the backseat, helping Lucy out and then grabs the car seat. 

I get my food out of the car and walk to the front door, unlocking it so Lucy can run inside with her kid’s meal. Michael places the car seat in the entryway of my house, before turning back to me.

“Do you need anything else tonight?”

“I don’t think so,” I shake my head. 

Why am I so touched at this kindness? It’s not like people haven’t been nice to me in the past three years. I’ve been surrounded by amazing people since I arrived back home, people eager to help me move forward with my life. I think it’s just because of how easy this all is. How I don’t feel pressured to put on a façade or be somebody that I’m not. Instead, I’m blessed to have met somebody like Michael.

“Alright. Let me know what the mechanics say about your car. You know how they can be sometimes, trying to rip off women who don’t know any better –”

I cut him off.

“Are you suggesting I don’t know a thing about cars?” Then, I watch in amusement as Michael tries to backtrack.

His eyebrows shoot up, and I think I notice his cheeks turn red in the porchlight.

“D-do you?” he stutters out, “Because if you do, I’m sorry for assuming.”

“No.” I smile, shaking my head. “I know nothing about cars. I just wanted to see you sweat a bit.”

“That’s mean, Cassidy,” he laughs.

Maybe in another world, a different lifetime, Michael and I could be something more. Maybe if we met under different circumstances, maybe if I wasn’t so damaged. I try not to dwell on it, but at times like this, it’s hard.

It’s entirely possible that I’m overthinking all of it. Maybe Michael and I would be disastrous in a relationship. Maybe he would mess me up more than Oliver did. Or maybe I could be in a relationship with Michael and everything would be fine. 

It wouldn’t be the first time I focused on the possible doom and gloom of a situation. 

But I know myself better than that. I know that I’m not ready for that and Michael understands. We’re just better off as friends and that’s okay.

“Should I apologize?”

“No,” he laughs. “I like that you keep me on my toes. Anyway, like I was saying before you decided to scare me to death, let me know what they say, and I’ll go talk to them for you. Let me know if you and Lucy need a ride anywhere, I got you.”

“You know, I really appreciate all of this, Michael.”

“Don’t mention it, Cassidy.” 

Reaching out, I wrap my arms around Michael in a hug. I lean into him and he pulls me in tightly. He’s warm, a comforting figure, something I haven’t had in my life in a while. We part after a few seconds and Michael steps back towards his car. I offer a little wave as he climbs in the driver’s seat.

I stand on the front porch, watching as he drives away. I linger outside in the cool mountain air for a moment. I hear the TV on behind me in the house, playing one of Lucy’s favorite shows. 

I need to get inside, eat, get Lucy ready for bed, and get myself ready as well. I have work again in the morning. I curse silently, realizing I forgot to mention that to Michael. Hopefully, he’s able to give me a ride...or maybe Neil will let me work from home tomorrow.

I turn on my heel, hand lingering on the black metal handle to open the door. Before I can pull it open, I hear the crunching of gravel behind me, signaling that a car has pulled into my driveway. I turn around, expecting to see Michael’s car in the driveway. Maybe I forgot something, and he realized that after he left?

But when I turn around, I feel my heart start to pound in my chest. I feel a cold sweat wash over my skin, nausea growing in my stomach. I don’t feel okay.

Because it’s not Michael’s old red car, it’s a sleek black one. One that only someone with money would be able to afford. I watch as the car turns off, as the door opens and the ghost that I’ve been running from for three years steps out.

I’ve thought about how I would react to seeing Oliver again after all these years. In some instances, I run into his arms and everything is okay again. Those thoughts only came to me in the first year after Lucy was born, when I thought that I couldn’t do it without him.

After that, I wanted nothing more than to slap him, to scream at him. I felt such a white-hot rage towards him. He left me alone to raise a child after promising that it would all be okay. He promised me and I believe him. Maybe that’s on me.

Now, I see him standing in my driveway. It takes longer than I’d like to admit that for me to fully realize that it’s him.

He looks so much like he did before. Perfectly styled blonde hair, perfectly tailored clothes that fit him as they should. He closes the car door, walking around to the hood of his car. He shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. Our eyes meet, but I don’t know what to say.

I feel frozen solid. I want to run into the house, shut the door, and act like I don’t see him. I can’t make myself move.

I feel sick.

He looks at the ground for a minute, before looking back at me. He opens his mouth and I know that no matter what he says, it’s going to piss me off. Whatever words come out of his mouth, they’re going to sound stupid. Nothing’s going to make up for all this time apart. For making me do this alone.

“I’m surprised you haven’t walked into the house.”

That’s it. That’s what he tells me after everything. Not a ‘hi’, not an ‘I’m sorry’, but just a stupid quip about how much I hate him.

Because I should hate him.

I debate whether I’m going to respond to him or not, finally deciding to go with the former. 

“I’m about to.”

With that, I turn around and walk through my front door, slamming it behind me and leaving him outside.

We’re not doing this.

Chapter Seven

Oliver

It was a spur of the moment decision. As soon as we buried my father, I took the jet to Atlanta, rented a car, and drove up to Blairsville. It was a now or never moment.

The whole flight down, I spent the time trying to figure out what I was going to say or do. It’s not like we had a fight where I could show up with flowers and promises of doing better that would soothe everything over between the two of us. I couldn’t think of any words. I just had to show up and see.

That’s exactly what I did, and it went up in flames. My stupid brain wasn’t working, so I said the first thing that came to mind. Cassidy walked away from me and I couldn’t stop her. She did the right thing. I don’t deserve her falling into my arms all over again, but I still need to try. 

I want to see Lucy. Even if Cassidy won’t give me a chance to talk to her, to apologize over and over again, I want the chance to see my daughter. She doesn’t have to introduce me to her as her father. That’s fine. I just need a single chance to try and make up for everything that I’ve done. 

I stand in the driveway for a few seconds longer after Cassidy leaves. A part of me is wondering whether she’s going to come back outside. A part of me is hoping that she will. 

It hits me that it’s not going to happen like that. I’m lucky she didn’t call the cops on me for trespassing. I get back into the rented car and drive to the cabin that I’m renting not too far outside of the small town.

I unpack my things, planning to stay here a bit longer than planned. I need the time to prove to Cassidy that I’m here to change, to prove that I’ve changed. I have an interim CEO in charge of Windsor, acting under my advice and the advice from a business advisor that I brought on this morning. I want to finally do things the right way.

I sit down in front of the fireplace, attempting to relax on the couch. I pull my phone out of the pocket of my jeans, finding a text message from Noelle.

‘What in the hell are you doing? Cassidy texted me. Don’t be stupid.’

She’s right. Maybe I’m being stupid, but this is the only chance that I have. I ignore Noelle’s text and go straight to texting Cassidy.

‘I apologize for showing up unannounced. I’m sure that it caught you by surprise tonight. I shouldn’t have done that. I want a chance to speak with you, a chance to apologize in person for what I’ve done. If you’re willing, I’d like to meet my daughter. If not, it’s understood. I’m in town for a few weeks, so please, just let me know either way.’

I put my phone on the coffee table and wait. Minutes past and I get no reply – and I can’t help but feel disappointed. I know this is a bed of my own making. I know that Cassidy owes me nothing while I owe her everything but talking with Allison got my hopes up. It made me feel like as long as I tried, everything would work out, as necessary.

By the time I go to bed, I still don’t have a reply from Cassidy. I begin trying to accept that I’m going to leave here empty-handed. That this is a lost cause.

I sleep terribly.

When I wake up, the sun is breaking through the blinds. I’m not used to sleeping until I wake up naturally, with no assistance from an alarm. While I’m not completely shirking my responsibilities at Windsor, I’m not completely in control either. It feels incredibly freeing to not have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I reach onto the nightstand and grab my phone, planning to get back to emails and make a quick call to our interim CEO. Instead, I see a text message from Cassidy.

Nervousness begins to build within me. I don’t have high hopes. I’ve never really had high hopes for reparations or even a civil relationship. The fact she even texted me back speaks volumes. My thumb is trembling as it hovers over the message, scared of what she’s going to say. Finally, I click it.

‘I don’t appreciate you showing up without warning. I know that I don’t owe you a thing and honestly, I don’t wish to speak with you. This is the first time you’ve made an effort in three years and I have a feeling it’s because you’re going through a personal crisis. However, you are the father of my child and we have history. I’ll give you a single chance to speak your piece. We can grab lunch around noon. I can’t make any promises on how we’ll move forward from there.’

I feel relieved. I feel...grateful. I don’t know what I’m going to say or how she’s going to react, but it’s a step forward and that’s all I can ask for. I text her back, asking where to meet and she texts me an address. 

Knowing that I’ve made some progress gets me out of bed, I rush to shower and make myself presentable, trying to fit in a conference call with the business advisor and the person I left in charge about how we’re moving forward with the company and what we need to enact.

I can’t focus throughout the entire call. All I can think about is Cassidy and our lunch meeting, curious as to what’s to come out of it. 

I only hope it’s something that’ll be for the better of us and Lucy.

I leave the cabin a little before noon, finding the address that she gave me. 

It’s a little white building that appears to be an old Victorian house that has been repurposed into a restaurant called ‘Hole in the Wall’. It looks a little worse for wear with stains on the white paneling and a sage green awning that’s weather torn. Outside of the restaurant are two outdoor dining tables with red umbrellas. 

I step into the restaurant, feeling like it’s an out of body experience. The small wooden tables inside are packed tightly together, most of them full of people. When I step inside, people turn to look at me – but not in the way that I’m used to. 

I realize that I’m likely overdressed for this restaurant. The blue button-up that I wore paired with khakis, something I thought was ‘casual’, is far from it. The patrons of the restaurants are wearing blue jeans and t-shirts, they have baseball hats on at the table. It’s nothing like I’m used to.

My attention is pulled away by a perky waitress, wearing a white crop top and a pair of jean shorts. Her blonde hair falls to her waist, not tied back. 

“Afternoon. Table for one?” she greets me with a smile. 

Her accent is strong, and I realize how likely it is that she’s never been outside of this town.

“I’m actually supposed to be meeting somebody.”

Now is when I begin to panic. What if Cassidy stood me up? What if this was a final ‘fuck you’ from her? 

“Oh,” the blonde’s nose wrinkles. “Well, I don’t know of anybody waitin’ to meet somebody.”

I feel embarrassed. Extremely embarrassed. I’ve never been stood up before.

“Apologies. Maybe I’ve got the wrong address. I’ll head back outside to double-check and wait for the person I’m meeting. Thank you for your help.”

I make a quick exit out to the front of the restaurant, pulling my phone out of my pocket. It's entirely possible that the GPS led me to the wrong place. It often gets confused on the mountain backroads. 

I double-check. This is the right place. That must mean that she’s stood me up. I decide to wait just a little while longer, in case she does show up. 

I take a seat at one of the outdoor dining tables and pull out my phone, going through emails to keep me from rereading our text messages. I hear the sound of a car and look up, seeing a beat-up red car pull up next to my own.

Through the front window, I make out a man in his early thirties. He gets out and I take in his appearance, wearing a dirty white t-shirt and a pair of mud-stained jeans. His dark hair is buzzed, likely the neatest part of his appearance. He walks around to the passenger’s side of the car and opens the door.

Cassidy steps out. She looks at this mysterious man and smiles. I feel my stomach turn, a mixture of pain and rage building up inside of me. They talk quickly and she smiles at him again, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. It’s painful to look at and I force myself to look away.

I hear the sound of a car door closing and an engine start. That’s when I allow myself to look again. 

It feels like Cassidy hasn’t aged a day. Her dark hair is pulled back. She’s wearing a pair of sunglasses, a white button-up shirt, and a blue and white print skirt. Her heels click on the sidewalk as she walks towards me and I find myself not knowing what to say.

“You want to get something to eat?” she asks. 

I notice now that her southern accent is thicker than it used to be. Either it’s a result of her being back home or she was hiding her true voice while living in New York.

“Yeah, sure. I was just waiting for you.”

She doesn’t say anything, so I stand, following her inside of the restaurant. The perky blonde hostess is back, smiling at us, and leads us to a table towards the back, dropping off two plastic-covered menus. 

I sit across from Cassidy, looking at the menu full of simple meals. I don’t have an appetite. I’m too damned nervous, unsure of what I should or shouldn’t say.

A waitress appears, perky and brunette, wearing the same white crop top and short shorts as the hostess. I wonder if that’s the official uniform of ‘Hole in the Wall’. She takes our order. I stay safe with a burger and then she disappears.

Cassidy takes off her sunglasses, looking at me for what feels like the first time. Her gaze feels colder than it ever has before, nothing like the eyes that used to look at me with adoration. 

“You wanted to talk?”

Right. I did, but I don’t know what to say. I’m scared I’m going to say the wrong thing and throw away this opportunity that’s presented itself to me.

“I don’t know if anything I say is going to come out right or convey my message properly, but I have to try. Cassidy, I want to apologize first and foremost. For lying to you, for leaving you alone, for never showing up. I don’t expect you to accept this apology, but I do owe it to you. I also know you likely don’t believe me, but I want to express it anyway,”

She looks at me, blinking as if she’s waiting for me to continue. She didn’t immediately cut me off, so I figure that I haven’t messed it up too badly yet.

“I have my reasons for what I did, but nothing justifies them. I’ve missed three years of our daughter’s life. She’s never known me and that’s not what I ever wanted. I know I’ve made a mistake and I want a chance to try and right that wrong. Not for us, but for Lucy.”

Cassidy’s lips are pursed. She’s looking anywhere else in the restaurant but at me.

Finally, she says, “It’s more than a mistake, Oliver. You haven’t been a part of your daughter’s life. She’s never asked about you and I’m thankful, because what would I say? How could I tell her why her father doesn’t want anything to do with her? I know the questions will come as she gets older though and I’m not prepared for that.”

“So, give me that chance.”

Her words rip a hole in my heart, realization dawning over me. I owe Cassidy and Lucy so much, more than I can ever give them. This is all my fault, so where do I go from here?

“You don’t even have to introduce me as her father if you don’t trust me. Let me meet her. I’m here now and I’m ready to step it up as I should have in the beginning,”

This is the hardest part. How do I convince her without sounding like I’m just manipulating her? What words do I say that don’t just sound like me trying to put a band-aid on a broken relationship? 

“I don’t trust you.” She doesn’t hesitate to say it and it pains me.

Trust has always been a crucial part of our relationship. We’ve always bounced between her trusting me or not. It’s always resulted in Cassidy putting her faith in me and then me proceeding to ruin it for her. I’ve always ended up making her regret her choice, and I can’t change that.

“I know.”

It’s all I can say. Nothing I say is going to change that fact.

“If we weren’t somewhere public, I would really let you have it. You don’t deserve to meet Lucy, you don’t deserve me sitting across from you right now. You’ve been nothing in her life. You lied. You washed your hands of us like we meant nothing. Like I said in that text, your life is in a crisis right now, so you run back to something to make you feel good and safe.”

If this isn’t Cassidy letting me have it, I’m scared of what it would be. I want to argue back, but I have no right to. 

“You two have always meant something to me, Cassidy. This isn’t because of my own personal crisis. It’s because I realized I can’t keep living like this.”

“Which you woke up about because your father died. You had nothing left to cling to.”

She’s right. 

Cassidy has always had this ability to see right through me. She can call my bluff without hesitation. She can realize what I mean without a second thought. She sees who I really am underneath the bravado and that’s always scared me. She shakes me to my core sometimes.

“I have regretted my choices since the minute I let you walk away, since the minute I realized that I wouldn’t be able to let my promise stay true.”

“You should have told me the minute you realized you wouldn’t be able to be what you said you would. Instead, you led me on with hope and false promises for months. You crushed me, Oliver. Again. This time Lucy’s involved, and I don’t want you getting close to her. I don’t want you to let her down like you always seem to do me.”

Right to the heart. I can’t argue against it. I can’t say anything that will make me look better. I practically have an 0-2 track record with letting Cassidy down. Every chance she gives me, I squander. 

“I understand.”

She finally looks at me, eyes filled with rage. Once again, I find myself missing how she used to look at me, back when she believed in me.

“But this is about Lucy, it’s not about how I feel towards you. If Lucy wasn’t a factor, I would have never texted you back because I want you out of my life. But I want to give her the opportunity I never had. I want to allow her a chance to meet her father. That way, when you fuck it up again, she won’t be able to blame me for keeping you away.”

“I won’t fuck it up, Cassidy.”

“Actions speak louder than words, Oliver, and so far, your previous actions prove that you will.” She stops talking, the waitress appearing with our drinks. 

I think she senses that something is off with our conversation, or maybe our hushed argument was extremely obvious. She drops our drinks off quickly and disappears, leaving us to go back to our fighting.

Cassidy continues, “So, with that said, I’ll give you an opportunity to meet her. I’m taking her to the petting zoo on Saturday and you can come. However, she won’t know that you’re her father. You’re just a friend. We can go from there, does that work?”

It’s more than I expected and it’s more than I could have asked for. As much as it hurts, I couldn’t expect to just slide into the role that I so badly want to. It’s enough to try and form a relationship with Lucy. 

I nod, “Absolutely,” a pause, “thank you, Cassidy.”

She shakes her head, “Just don’t make me regret it, Oliver, understood?”

I nod again, “Understood. I won’t make you regret it. I promise this time.”

“Just prove it to me.”

After that, I don’t know what to say. What do you talk about to fill the void of silence after so many years? What can I say to make up for what I’ve done to her? How can I expect to walk in here and act as nothing has happened? How can we carry on a normal conversation?

Luckily for me, Cassidy solves that problem.

“I’m sorry about Alan, by the way,” Cassidy says. 

I’ve heard this time and time again since it happened. Everyone apologies but I’m left unsure if anybody truly means it. I know that my father wasn’t liked by many, it makes no sense for them to be sorry about his death.

What I think they really mean is that they feel sorry for me, unsure of where to go, drifting aimlessly. 

But, like always, I look her in the eyes and offer my best smile.

“Thank you, Cassidy. I appreciate it.”

Chapter Eight

Cassidy

This was a mistake. Agreeing to meet him was a complete and utter mistake. The entire drive here, I was telling Michael the same thing. I shouldn’t have replied to his text message, I should have just left him wondering as he left me. But I know that this isn’t for me. It’s for Lucy. She deserves the chance to know her father and not be left wondering who he is and why he never cared.

Sitting across from him, my trust in Oliver is at an all-time low. Hell, a part of me expects him to disappear after this lunch and I’ll never see him again, but I’m giving him one chance. Not for me, but her. 

I chose a public place so I wouldn’t go off on him, so I wouldn’t tell him every single thing that I wanted to, so I wouldn’t tell him what I really think of him. But even in public, I’m finding it nearly impossible. The entire time he was talking, I just wanted to tell him exactly what I thought. I wanted to tell him that I’m not going to fall for his pretty words that he’s trying to placate me with. I know his game – never again.

But I have kept my mouth shut, I even extended an olive branch and offered for him to join Lucy and I on Saturday. It’s not what I wanted – but I know that I have to.

The waitress returns with our food, placing it in front of us. I look down, thankful for the distraction, thankful for something to look at that isn’t him. I find myself wondering just how we got this way. How did we get from ‘I love you’ to ‘I can’t stand you’? And how was he the one who undid all of it?

I pick at my fries, plopping them into my mouth one by one when he breaks the silence between us again.

He’s never been one to be uncomfortable in silence before, but I guess he doesn’t know how to get out of the mess that he got us into.

“Where are you working now?” he asks.

I know that he means this as casual conversation, but it feels like a stab in the gut. It feels like he’s rubbing it in that I lost my dream job because of him, because of his plan and what he thought was for the best.

“I’m back at my original place. Crosby Construction,” I say without looking at him, continuing to eat my fries one by one.

“I guess that’s a breath of fresh air compared to what you dealt with at Windsor?”

It really feels like he’s rubbing salt in the wound. Windsor was my dream. I loved the hustle and bustle, constantly being kept on my toes. I loved the part of never really knowing what I would be getting into when I stepped into work. 

My job now is predictable. Neil keeps his nose clean. He’s an easy client. I don’t hate my job, but I hate that I had a taste of what I really wanted, and it got taken from me so easily. 

“It’s a job,” I finally say, wanting to cut the conversation off. 

I don’t want to sit here and talk to him about work like everything is normal between us. 

Luckily enough, Oliver catches on that I’m not in the mood for conversation. We continue the rest of our meal in silence. 

When we’re done, the waitress appears again and I make sure to ask for separate checks, not giving him the chance to speak. As she walks away to retrieve them, Oliver speaks again, this time softly.

“I could pay for it. It’s the least I could do, Cassidy.”

I make sure he sees me roll my eyes before I put my sunglasses back on.

“I’ve been fine without your money for three years, Oliver. I don’t need to start now.”

It comes out incredibly snappy and I don’t feel bad about it.

It does its job and shuts him the hell up, which is all I wanted.

I pay for my meal before I break the silence this time.

“I’ll text you the address and the time for the petting zoo on Saturday.”

I see something behind his eyes when I speak, something akin to a glimpse of hope.

A piece of me wonders if I’m being too harsh on him, but then I’m reminded of all the pain I’ve been through these last few years.

“Alright. Thank you,” he says.

I nod, “I’ll see you then.”

With that, I stand and leave, thankful that Michael was waiting outside to pick me up. When I get outside, I breathe a sigh of relief. The fresh air is nice, I feel free. I feel so much better than I did inside of that building, looking at him.

I can’t believe I did that.

I get into the passenger’s side of Michael’s car, my heart pounding in my chest. 

“How did it go?” he asks, “Do I need to say something to him?”

I shake my head, “No. It went as well as it could. I’m going to give him one chance to be involved in Lucy’s life. He better not blow it.”

“His track record proves that he will.”

I haven’t told my mom about Oliver being back yet. I know her automatic assumption is going to be that I’m eager to let him crawl back in. She has never been his biggest fan, and the time she gave him a chance, he royally messed it all up. 

But she’s going to find out sooner or later. 

After work, Michael promises that he’s going to go check on my car and see if it’s ready. He drops me off at my mom’s house to spend some time with her and I make a mental note to bake him some cookies of gratitude or something of that sort. 

I know that I’ll never be able to repay him for doing what he’s doing for me, acting as my own personal chauffeur, but I appreciate it so much.

Stepping into my mom’s house, I’m flooded with memories from my past. It still hasn’t changed since I was a senior in high school. The same decorations, the same paint colors. I think she still uses the same candles. 

Lucy’s toys are scattered throughout the living room. She’s sitting in the middle of the floor, building with blocks. I think she’s trying to see if she can make a tower taller than herself, but she hasn’t yet figured out how to do that.

My mom looks up from the couch, a smile on her face.

“I hardly heard you come in.”

“Sorry, I figured that you were busy.”

“We’re just building.”

“Michael went to check on my car, so I’m here for a bit.”

My mom just nods, and I turn my attention to Lucy. I have to tell my mom what’s going on. I’ve always been open and honest with her. 

I reach out and take the controller off the arm of the couch, flipping it onto Lucy’s favorite channel. My mom looks up at me then, eyebrows raised.

“Everything alright, Cass?”

I shake my head.

“Let’s go talk in the dining room.”

After we both assure Lucy that we’ll be right back, my mom and I walk to the dining room and take a seat.

She looks at me, eyes narrowed. “What’s up?”

I search for the words to tell her without making it sound as huge as it is. I don’t know exactly what to tell her, but I have to get it out.

“Oliver’s in town,” I just get it out. I put it into the universe and then watch my mother’s face change.

It goes from the gentle understanding to one that’s mixed with confusion and anger.

“Why?”

“He wants to be in Lucy’s life now.”

“After three years?”

She’s as bitter as I am, and I feel justified. She knows exactly what it’s like to have to raise a child alone. She’s had years to process how it feels and her feelings toward my father and she’s still bitter. I always said that I didn’t want to be that way...but now I understand why she is.

“That’s what I was thinking.”

“So, he just skipped out on all the late nights, the doctor visits, the birth, diaper changes, and so many other things and now he just pops up?”

“That’s exactly what I said.”

“I hope you told him to go fuck himself.”

My mother hardly cusses so when she does, it’s clear how she feels. She spits the words with such bitterness and poison that it feels like it’s radiating through me. She looks at me, eyes narrowed, expecting.

“I almost did.”

“Almost?”

“I told him he has one chance.”

“For God’s sake, Cassidy. I thought I raised you better. You can’t keep letting him walk all over you! Because he’s going to do it every single time and—”

“Mom, mom. Wait!”

I hold a hand before she can start going on a tirade. I know that she will if given a chance.

“I get where you’re coming from, but I gave him a chance to meet Lucy, to prove that he can step it up. Not to come back into my life like nothing ever happened. I’m not that dumb.” 

My mom sighs and narrows her eyes. Diana Hanson has this look that she does not agree. It’s one that doesn’t scream disappointment or anger, but it still makes you feel on the edge of your seat. It makes you feel like you’ve done or said something wrong – that’s the look that she’s giving me right now.

“I never said that you were dumb, Cassidy. That’s the last thing I think of you, but I know what it’s like. Remember, I was there. Right now, you’re just letting him come around to see Lucy. You’re doing it for her, not yourself. But soon, he’s going to be staying late after Lucy goes to bed and the two of you will start to drink and feelings will get involved. It’s a slippery slope and I just want you to be careful.”

Maybe it is a slippery slope, but I know where I stand. I know that I can’t allow Oliver to get under my skin anymore. I know now that he’s always going to disappoint me, but that doesn’t mean he’ll always disappoint Lucy.

“Mom,” I sigh, “I never got the chance to meet my father. I appreciate everything you did for me growing up, but as a kid, I was always envious of other kids having dads around. I know that it was his choice to stay away, but I also know that you wouldn’t have deprived me of a chance for a relationship with him. I can raise Lucy without Oliver, not an issue, but I want to give them the opportunity to know one another. Is that so wrong?”

“It’s not,” It’s Diana’s turn to sigh reluctantly. “I just worry, sweetheart. I want you to be happy, to have the life that I never had the chance to. I want you to fall in love and have a family, I just don’t think Oliver is that person for you.”

“He’s not, mom. He had his chance and he mucked it all up. Again, and again. He’s not the one for me, but he’s still Lucy’s father. I want to do this for her, not for me.”

She reaches across the table, taking my hand in her own.

“That’s fine, just be careful, okay?” Her voice is gentle, concern echoing across.

I nod. “I promise that I will.”

Saturday morning is a hectic mess, not that I expect anything less in our home. Life with a three-year-old is always hectic. I wake up before Lucy, hopping in the shower to get myself ready for the day. As soon as I’m ready, I go wake Lucy up and give her a quick bath. 

My child is always grumpy in the mornings, especially if I have to wake her up. During the entirety of her bath, Lucy whines about everything. Her shampoo stinks (it doesn’t), the water is cold (it isn’t), and so on. 

I finally get her clean and get her dressed, letting her hair air-dry into its natural waves. I usher her into the living room and put on cartoons while I make breakfast. I just whip together a quick yogurt parfait, adding some apples and bananas. It’s enough that Lucy won’t be cranky throughout the morning until lunchtime, but not too much that she’ll feel sick.

While she eats, I debate on texting Oliver. I already sent him the address to the petting zoo, telling him to meet us there...but a part of me is scared he’s not going to show up. I know that if he doesn’t, it has nothing to do with me. If he doesn’t show up, that’s on him. But I don’t want to be let down.

The logical side of me ultimately loses as I send him another text.

‘Letting you know that we’re leaving in ten.’

Within seconds, I get a response.

‘Grabbing breakfast now and then I’ll be on my way.’

I have no real reason to trust him, but I do. Putting my phone away, I scarf down the leftovers of Lucy’s parfait and fill my to-go cup with coffee. 

At least breakfast seemed to make Lucy a little less grumpy because now she’s excitedly chatting about all the animals she’s going to pet today.

Chapter Nine

Oliver

I spent most of my morning on the phone with Allison, asking her far too many questions. What should I wear? What should I say? What should I do? My poor half-asleep sister did her best to answer the questions I plowed her with but ultimately told me to figure it out because it was early there.

I may or may not have forgotten about the three-hour time difference between us.

I decide on just a t-shirt and jeans before I leave the cabin, going to the little breakfast place I’ve been frequenting since arriving in town. 

These last few days, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, so I’ve ventured out to explore what I could. I’ve checked out local shops, local eating places, I’ve visited all the touristy places and even hiked to a waterfall – something I never imagined doing.

And it’s been amazing. The fresh air is nothing like the city air I’m so used to breathing in, the people are incredibly polite, answering any dumb question that I pose towards them.

As I’m eating breakfast, Cassidy texts me, telling me they’re about to leave. My heart is pounding in my chest, nervousness building up inside of me. I’m going to meet Lucy for the first time. I’m going to see my daughter. Not just in a photo, but in real life. She’s not even going to know who I am.

I pay for breakfast, get in the car, and start to head towards the petting zoo that Cassidy sent me the address to. My hands grip tightly to the steering wheel, sweating as I drive. God, what if I mess this up? What if Cassidy hates me? I pull into the parking lot, turn the car off, and try to piece myself together.

I have to remember that she’s just a child. She probably doesn’t like strangers. She’s probably going to be shy. I just have to be thankful that I even get to see her. I get to try and that’s the best thing that could come out of this trip.

In the distance, I see Cassidy holding the hand of a skipping child. That’s my daughter. My heart floods with joy, almost overwhelmingly so. I get out of the car, take a final breath, and start to approach them.

By the time I reach them, they’re in line at the ticket booth. Cassidy has let go of Lucy’s hand and the toddler is climbing all over the animal statues that sit outside of the gates. Cassidy’s dark hair is pulled back into a ponytail, she’s just in a pair of jean shorts and a black shirt, sunglasses on. Her gaze is zoned in on Lucy and I don’t want to interrupt, but I also don’t know how we’re supposed to do this.

Am I supposed to just meet them inside? Or am I supposed to meet them outside?

I take a chance and approach her, hoping I look as calm as possible on the outside. 

“Good morning,” I greet.

Cassidy turns to look at me and I think I see a small smile pulling at her lips. It disappears quickly, her head turning to glance back at Lucy.

“Good morning,” she responds.

And that’s it for our conversation. I come to stand by her side, watching as Lucy plays. 

It’s amazing to look at her and realize that that’s my daughter. I helped make her – and I’ve missed watching her grow. I missed the chance to watch her learn to walk and talk and become the little human that she is now.

As the line moves forward, Cassidy calls out for Lucy to come back over.

She perks her head up, hops off the pig statue that she was climbing on, and runs over to where we stand. Reaching up, Lucy shoves her hand into Cassidy’s.

“I’m here,” she says, smiling up at her.

“I know, thank you for listening.” Cassidy smiles down at her, her head flicking back towards me.

“Do you wanna meet my friend Oliver?” she asks.

Now my heart is pounding. God, what do I say? How do I keep from messing this all up? What if Lucy hates me? What if I say or do something wrong and Cassidy never lets me see her again?

Lucy, still holding her mother’s hand, turns around to look at me. She looks up at me with a lighter version of my own eyes, the same cheekbones, the same eyebrows. Her nose wrinkles, just like her mother’s when she’s thinking about something.

“Hi.” 

She says it quickly and then turns back around, pulling on Cassidy’s hand to move forward in line. I’m long forgotten to her, the idea of petting ponies and goats far more important than the stranger behind her.

“Hi Lucy,” I say back, but her attention is long gone.

And I’m incredibly thankful. At least she spoke to me. It’s a step forward. She didn’t hate me the minute her eyes landed on me. She didn’t start crying or hide when she saw my face.

Cassidy turns to look at me, “It takes her a bit to warm up to strangers. I should have warned you.”

I shake my head, “I expected it. She doesn’t know me. Give her time.”

Cassidy smiles again. This time, I catch it. She smiles in my direction and nods.

“Exactly. Give her time.”

Maybe this isn’t going to be as impossible as I originally thought.

It kills me to, but I don’t say a word as Cassidy pays for herself and Lucy to get into the petting zoo. I want nothing more than to pay for both of them, but I know how that’ll look to Cassidy. She doesn’t want my money. She’s handled everything for the two of them these three years without an issue. So, I bite my tongue and pay for myself, following the two of them inside.

Cassidy bends down so she’s at eye level with Lucy.

“Where do you want to go first?” she asks.

Lucy looks around us, her excitement is clear. She’s bouncing on her heels, eyes darting around at every enclosure around us.

“Goats!” she says before darting off toward the fenced-in area where the goats are kept.

Cassidy turns towards me, offers a small smile. “Guess we’re going to go see the goats first.”

We follow after Lucy, and I can’t help but feel hope flooding over me. It feels so easy when we’re like this. Cassidy isn’t glaring at me, acting like I don’t exist. She’s smiling in my direction, she looks happy. I know that I can’t chalk that up to me. She would be happy whether I’m here or not...but this all feels like a step forward.

Lucy sticks her little hands through the holes in the fence, reaching out to pet one of the animals that have gathered by the fence, assuming there’s food in her hand. They sniff, look disappointed, but give Lucy a chance to pet them anyway.

That doesn’t seem to satisfy her long. She steps away from the fence and walks to the gate, reaching up for the latch to enter the enclosure.

“Lucy!” Cassidy catches her quickly. “Let’s not do that right now.”

With her hand still on the latch, Lucy turns to look at her. 

“But we’re allowed to! And I want to!”

I see the first look of defeat cross Cassidy’s face. It’s there briefly, hardly noticeable unless you’re looking for a change in her expression.

“I can go with her,” I step forward, glancing between the two of them, “if that’s okay?”

The defeat fades from Cassidy’s features, becoming replaced by something akin to relief. She nods slowly.

“It’s fine with me as long as that’s okay with Lucy.” Her gaze turns towards Lucy, who’s still eagerly holding on to the latch.

“Can Oliver come with you instead of me?”

Lucy turns her attention to me for the first time since we were introduced. She looks at me – hard. I feel like I’m being judged, eyed up to see if I’m good enough. It’s incredibly unsettling, especially coming from a three-year-old. 

“Okay!” she finally agrees. “Let’s go!”

I look back at Cassidy before walking forward, stepping up to the gate. 

This is probably the right time to mention I hardly have experience with children. I wasn’t raised with cousins or neighbors. Allison, while I cared for her, is only a few years younger than myself. 

I don’t remember the last time I ever held a child. I don’t hate children, I’ve just never had the experience of being around them, so I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to interact with children. Hell, sometimes I hardly know how to interact with adults.

So, I’m nervous, extremely so. I decide to let Lucy make all the moves. I’m just here as Cassidy’s friend, an extra set of eyes to supervise her.

Lucy doesn’t pay me any mind as she manages to get the gate unlatched. I reach out to catch it, stopping it from swinging open completely and just letting the goats run free. Lucy squeezes through. Instantly, the goats start to swarm around her, looking for food.

She’s not afraid. She laughs as they nudge at her side and hands.

I slide through the gate after her, making sure to latch it behind me. The goats leave Lucy, realizing that she doesn’t have any food, and head towards me.

Just like children, I have no experience with farm animals. I went to the zoo plenty of times as a child, but we didn’t visit petting zoos or farms. I know nothing about goats besides they like to eat, and they scream. 

They poke at me just like they did Lucy, searching my pockets and hands for food. I reach out, petting the head of a black and white one. Their fur is coarse, the stench coming from their enclosure awful, but Lucy looks so very happy as she chases one of them around, trying to reach out and pet it.

Stealing a quick glance back, I see Cassidy leaning against the fence, watching Lucy with a smile on her face.

When I glance back, Lucy is standing at my feet. Every time I look at her, I find myself taken aback. It’s always like looking into a mirror. It throws me off. She looks up at me, still bouncing on her heels, excitement still racing through her.

“Oliver?”

When she says my name, she pronounces the ‘v’ like a ‘b’. 

“Yes, Lucy?”

“Will you pick up the baby goat? I wanna pet it but it keeps runnin’.”

It’s the most that I’ve ever heard her talk. She has a southern accent, just like her mother. It’s probably the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard.

I go to answer her question and then realize that it falls back to me having absolutely no experience with farm animals. The person manning the gate said that we were allowed to pick them up...but how? Do I just grab one? What if it bites?

Still, my daughter is asking me to do this. I have to.

I see the baby goat that she’s talking about. It’s tiny, black and white. 

“Okay,” is all I can say to Lucy.

I walk further into the enclosure, stepping carefully. Goats surround us, although they’re mostly ignoring us at this point. They’ve learned that we don’t have any food, so they no longer care about us. 

I get close to the baby goat and slow my walk, not wanting to scare it. I hear Lucy’s little footsteps behind me, trying to walk just as carefully as I am. 

Then, hopefully, in what I think is a swift, graceful motion, I lean down and scoop the baby goat into my arms. I put both hands underneath its stomach, holding it tightly to my chest to keep it feeling safe.

I turn around to see where Lucy is and squat down with the goat in my arm. 

“Alright. Be gentle with it, Lucy. It’s just a baby,” I say.

She nods, approaching me and the goat slowly. She reaches out, petting it on the head, right between its budding horns. 

“Hi baby,” she says softly, petting it again, “you’re a little baby.”

My heart feels full. I’ve never felt this warmness wash over me, at least not like this. She pets the baby goat a few more times and it stops squirming in my arms, either accepting its fate or relaxing.

Lucy pets it a few more times before stopping and stepping away.

“Are you done?” I ask, adjusting my grip on the goat.

She nods.

I lean down and gently place the goat on the ground. It takes one last look at us before racing off towards the other goats.

“Lucy!” Cassidy calls and Lucy turns to look at her almost immediately. “Are you done with the goats? If you are, come on back.”

Lucy doesn’t respond so I take it upon myself to ask, still squatted down in front of her.

“Are you done with the goats? What do you want to see next?”

She looks at me and I expect her to ignore me. Cassidy said that it takes her time to adjust to strangers so there’s no reason for her to want to speak to me. 

But Lucy smiles up at me.

“Sheep!” she says and starts to race back towards the gate, causing the goats to scatter to the side, clearing a path for her. 

I smile and follow after her. I feel good. She chose to interact with me.

We spend hours at the petting zoo, taking in each enclosure. Lucy has to pet everything she can, and Cassidy and I let her. About halfway through the zoo, I buy her a cup of animal food and she gets even more excited. 

We pet sheep, pigs, llamas, ponies, cows, and one horse that Lucy absolutely adores. When I lift her up so she can pet the horse, she tells me that horses are her favorite animal.

If I could, I would buy her a farm with plenty of room for as many horses as she wants. 

If only I hadn’t messed this all up.

When we finish with the petting zoo, I expect to say goodbye to Cassidy and Lucy in the parking lot. This was my chance and I think I did well. I showed up, I interacted. I tried not to step on any toes or speak out of line. I did everything that I could, so hopefully, I get more chances in my future.

But Cassidy turns towards me after getting Lucy into her car seat. 

“Do you want to get lunch with us?” she asks.

I smile. I try to fight it back, but I can’t.

“Are you okay with that?”

“I think she likes you. So, do you want to grab lunch?”

I want to open my mouth and ask what this means, but I don’t want to ruin my chances. So, instead, I just nod.

“Yeah, absolutely.”

“I’ll text you the address and you can meet us there,” she tells me before adding, “we’ll talk about everything else later, alright?”

“Alright,” I agree, unable to hide my smile.

We’re moving forward. I’m incredibly happy to be doing so. 

Chapter Ten

Cassidy

I’m not a pessimist, but I’m surprised he even showed up. It’s not that I really doubt Oliver’s intentions, but I know him. He makes a lot of promises, but he never quite meets them. I used to describe it as he had good intentions but didn’t know how to enact them. Now, I find that I’m not so sure. I want to believe that Oliver is a good person who was raised under garbage circumstances, but I can’t keep making excuses for him.

But he showed up. He interacted with Lucy and he respected my wishes. It’s all I could ask from him. That’s why I asked if he wanted to join us for lunch. Everything went smoothly at the petting zoo, so I figured Oliver would want to spend a little extra time with Lucy. I don’t want to deprive him of chances.

Lucy and I pull out of the parking lot for the petting zoo when she speaks.

“I like Oliver,” she says, adorably pronouncing the ‘v’ as a ‘b’. “He’s nice.”

She’s probably the only person in the world to meet Oliver Windsor for the first time and refer to him as ‘nice’. I hold back a snicker, instead, I respond to her.

“Yeah? I’m glad you like him, sweetheart.”

“Is he coming to lunch with us?”

“Yes, is that okay?”

“Yeah!”

Then she falls quiet, listening to the music playing quietly in the background. I pull up to the restaurant that we’re going to and park in a parking spot, turning the car off and getting out to help Lucy out of her car seat.

I see Oliver pull into a parking space a little further away, on the phone. He looks frustrated, running a hand through his hair repeatedly as he speaks. I try to ignore it. Oliver’s emotions are none of my business anymore. I shouldn’t care, but I do.

He looks up, pulled from whatever conversation he’s having. We make eye contact and for a minute, Oliver looks relieved. He looks less frustrated. He waves me on, gesturing towards the restaurant.

My stomach falls. Why do I have a feeling this is going to go like so many times before? He’s going to be called away because of work, having to take care of something else. He’s going to give a quick apology and disappear from our lives as quickly as he walked back in. I know Oliver and I know how he usually works. 

I’m used to the disappointment, but Lucy isn’t. I think that’s why I want to protect her from him. Because Oliver, while a good person, a nice person...is full of disappointments. He’s single-focused, often forgetting the ones around him. It’s painful – it sucks. 

I got used to it, but I don’t want my daughter to.

Especially after she mentioned that she likes him.

I get Lucy out and carry her into the restaurant, grab a table in the back and a booster seat for Lucy. I list out her lunch options, occasionally glancing up towards the door. I’m just waiting...I know what’s going to happen.

Oliver walks through the doors of the restaurant, sees us, and beelines toward us. As ridiculous as it sounds, I try to judge what he’s going to say from his walk. Oliver doesn’t have an expressive face, but he has his tells. I can always tell when he’s upset by the way he runs his hands through his hair excessively, or when he’s angry because he storms instead of walks. 

Right now, though, he looks okay.

He reaches the table and slides in across from where Lucy and I sit. 

“Everything alright?” I ask, quirking an eyebrow in his direction.

“Yeah. I hired an expert to get things running again at work, but evidently, our acting CEO doesn’t want to listen to the expert. It’s just a mess,” he says, waving a dismissive hand like he doesn’t wish to discuss it any further.

“Alright,” I say, deciding not to question it any further. “As long as everything is okay.”

“It’s fine.” He says and smiles in my direction.

There’s something magical about his smile. I’ve always thought that. They’re rare, for starters. He doesn’t just smile, I mean really smile, at anyone. When Oliver smiles in your direction, it makes you feel like the only person in the world. It makes you feel special like nobody ever has before.

They used to make me weak in the knees. I used to live for the little smiles that Oliver would flash in my direction. Even now, they make me happy. Not in the way that they did before...but happy, nonetheless.

Next to me, Lucy is coloring on the activity paper the hostess gave her. Oliver falls silent, looking over the menu I passed over to him and I feel a peace wash over me. Like this is what my life should’ve been all along.

I know I can’t get comfortable or used to this...but I can savor the moment, right?

That’s not a bad thing.

“Oliver?” Lucy breaks the silence that has washed between all of us. 

He looks up, “Yes Lucy?”

She pushes the green crayon and half of the activity sheet in his direction.

“Will you color with me?”

I watch as something beautiful happens. Oliver’s usual un-expressive face changes and I’m pretty sure I see his heart melt. He instantly takes the green crayon from her and nods.

“I would love to color with you, Lucy,” he says, “just tell me where you want me to color.”

She points at a little flower on his side of the paper.

“Color that,” she says.

Oliver just nods and begins to color, clearly wrapped around her little finger already in the most endearing way possible.

If only it had been like this since the beginning.

We have a great lunch together, the end to our first outing as whatever we are. I get Lucy wrangled into her car seat, which isn’t much of a fight. Thankfully, she’s ready for a nap.

Oliver waves to her as I close the door and it’s just the two of us.

I hate that I didn’t stick to my guns. I should still hate him, but I don’t. I don’t feel that seething anger that I felt, at least not now. Today has been too good for me to just be blinded by anger.

“Thank you for giving me a chance today, Cassidy,” Oliver says. “It meant a lot to me. You are doing...an amazing job raising her.”

It’s meant as a compliment and I take it as one...but I can’t help but feel a bit of that bitterness return. It would have been so much easier if I didn’t have to raise her alone if he would’ve decided to stick around. I had no choice but to raise her the way that I have and I’m forever grateful that she’s turned out the way that she has. 

“I’ve done my best,” I say.

The bitterness is sneaking back up in me, never quite going away. I want to tell him ‘no thanks to you’. I want to tell him that he could’ve helped. I want to tell him about all the sleepless nights I’ve endured, unsure if I was making right or wrong choices.

I don’t spit the venom that has settled on the tip of my tongue. I hold it back, wanting to keep things civil. It’s been such a good day – I can’t ruin this just because of past wounds.

“Thank you.”

Neither of us knows what to say next. He shoves his hands in his front pockets, looking between the ground and his car. Should we leave it at this? Should I extend another invitation?

I swallow the venom and my pride.

“How long are you in town again?”

“I have my cabin rented for a few weeks. I can always extend that.” 

We’re not jumping forward that quickly. A few weeks is good. I don’t want to jump the gun.

“Alright. Maybe you can come over for dinner one night next week? I’ll have to check my schedule and see when I can fit it all in.” 

Meaning: I have to emotionally prepare for more interaction with him. I have to figure out how to swallow the mixture of anger and bitterness and the little bit of affection I still hold for him. I’ve never had closure – I’ve never really had the chance to get over what happened between us. I had to jump straight from that to being a mother.

Oliver smiles, nods his head. “That sounds great, just text me whenever you want me over. I’ll be there.”

“Will do.”

Before he can turn and leave, Oliver speaks again. 

“Cassidy, I want to thank you for today. I appreciate the chance you gave me.”

My hand is on the handle of my car door, pulling at it to get inside. I slowly turn to look at him, unable to bite my tongue any longer.

“I appreciate you actually showing up.”

I expect anger, annoyance to cross his features. Instead, he shakes his head and offers a small half-smile. He walks away and gets in his car as I get in mine.

I don’t know where we’re going from here. I don’t know how I’m going to process any of this, but at least I can feel confident that I’m making the right decisions for Lucy. She seems happy to have him around – and at least I’m giving him a chance. 

That’s more than I ever planned to give him.

When I go to pick Lucy up from my mom’s Monday afternoon, the air between the two of us is tense. This morning, I thought maybe it was because it was early and everything is always off on a Monday morning, but the tension is still there.

That’s when realization dawns on me. 

I know she’s definitely not happy that I’m giving Oliver a chance...but it’s just for Lucy. I don’t see why she doesn’t understand that. I know I need to have another conversation with her, but I’m not sure what she wants me to say. 

Luckily, or maybe unluckily for me, she strikes up the conversation.

“Did you have a nice weekend?” she asks as she gathers the toys that Lucy brought over today.

“It was fine,” I say, hands shoved in the pockets of my work pants.

“How did the petting zoo go?”

I knew she was getting there. While I love my mom to death, I wish she was just a bit more direct. I wish she would just ask me whatever is on her mind, not just treat me with silence and awkwardness until she can no longer take it.

“It was fine,” I answer again, leaning against the wall. “Honestly, it went better than I expected.”

She hums and I wait for it. I wait for her to say something passive about how it was a bad idea or how I probably shouldn’t have done it. 

Finally, she speaks, “How did Lucy take it?”

“She likes him.”

“Was it a one-time thing? Or is he actually going to keep up this charade of involvement?”

She’s just as bitter as I am – I get it. Oliver has done nothing but let us all down. I think my mom is even more bitter because she’s never liked him from the start. When she finally gave him a chance, he messed it all up even worse. She feels betrayed by him too.  

“He seems to want to keep being involved, that’s all I know. I told him we could probably do dinner sometime this week.”

My mom turns to look at me, and I can’t read her face. It bothers me because I don’t know what to prepare myself for. Snark? Anger? 

“What are you going to tell Lucy when he leaves again? If she gets used to him being around and he leaves...what are you going to say?”

I haven’t thought of that. I know I probably should have, but it just hadn’t crossed my mind. The entire time, I’ve been trying to figure out if and when I’m going to tell Lucy that Oliver is her father. I hadn’t thought of how she’ll react if they get close and he goes back to New York.

He’s inevitably going to go back home. His life is there. 

“I don’t know,” I tell her quietly, looking at the ground. “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“Well, before you let her get too used to him being around, you should probably think about that. That’s all I’m saying. It’s your life, Cassidy, but Lucy is my granddaughter. I’m going to tell you when I think you’re doing something wrong by her.”

But am I really doing something wrong by letting her get to know her father? Plenty of children survive divorce.

Chapter Eleven

Oliver

I’m probably too used to being in a big city. I’ve been in Blairsville a week and I’m incredibly bored. I’ve checked out all of the tourist spots, hiked, ate, walked the downtown strip...but there’s not a lot to do. I can’t imagine being a teenager in a town like this. What could they possibly do for fun?

I’ve taken to taking small day trips, driving to the other nearby mountain towns, and looking at the things there to do. The entire time, I wait for Cassidy to text me.

Saturday went amazingly, I think. Lucy seemed to like me, and Cassidy and I got along rather well. She said that she would invite me to dinner sometime this week, and all I can do is wait. I don’t want to barge in and make everything uncomfortable. I know that I have to do this on her time.

That’s the hard part for me. I’m used to doing whatever I want whenever I want. I’m used to knocking on Cassidy’s apartment door when we need to talk, but it’s not how it used to be. She needs space and I have to give it to her. I have to let her take the lead.

I wake up Thursday morning to a text from Cassidy.

‘Dinner tonight? Sorry for the short notice, but I had to make sure my schedule was clear at work. Just let me know.’

She knows that I have no other plans – or she should. I’m down here to try to be involved in my daughter’s life, my schedule is clear. 

I text back before I get a chance to down any coffee.

‘Yeah. What time? I’ll be there. Need me to bring anything?’

She texts back a time and tells me that I don’t need to bring a thing – but I wonder if I should. Wine? A gift for Lucy? Flowers? The pressure isn’t off after our trip on Saturday, I have to keep showing up and showing that I’m trying.

When I pull up to Cassidy’s house that evening, I have a stuffed whale that I saw at the grocery store when I was buying Cassidy flowers. It’s not me trying to weasel my way into their hearts and home with gifts...it’s just because I want to do something nice.

Once again, I find myself nervous as I turn the car off and step out. I take a breath as I walk towards the front door, knocking softly. I hear noise coming from inside of the house before the door swings open.

Cassidy’s hair is up in a bun. She’s still in what I’m assuming is her work clothes, a white button-up shirt, and a black pencil skirt. It’s reminiscence of what she used to wear at Windsor – and she still looks amazing. 

“Hey, come on in,” she offers, stepping aside for me. “It’s a little bit of chaos in here right now, so sorry for the mess.”

“Don’t worry about a mess, Cassidy,” I tell her, stepping into the house.

Before she can turn, I hold out the bouquet of flowers – just some colorful daisies – that I bought for her. I didn’t want a flower that screams something romantic or overbearing. I just wanted to get her something nice.

She looks at me and then looks at the flowers, taking them from me and offering a smile.

“Thank you, Oliver. They’re gorgeous.”

“I also got this for Lucy,” I say, holding up the stuffed whale. “I hope that’s alright.”

“The last thing she needs is another stuffed animal,” Cassidy laughs, shaking her head. “She’ll love it though. You can find her in the living room, I’ll finish up dinner.”

“Do you need any help?”

“I’m good. Promise. You go see Lucy flip over her new stuffed animal.”

I nod, following after Cassidy down the thin hallway. The house is small, but it’s nice. It seems like it’s meant for raising a child. It feels like a home, not the long empty hallways of my childhood that screamed of loneliness. 

The kitchen and the living room are connected, a little overlook from the kitchen counter peers into the living room. 

The furniture in the living room is older, not the sleek leather that I’m used to. Lucy sits in the middle of the living floor, on top of a rose-colored rug. Toys are scattered around her; the TV plays a children’s show with music I know that will get stuck in my head.

“Hey Lucy,” I greet her.

She looks up from the blocks scattered around her and I see a smile cross her face. She lights up and it warms my heart. I want her to forever react to seeing me that way.

“Oliver!” she seems excited to see me, jumping up from the floor.

I don’t know whether I should hug her or not. I’ve never done that before and I don’t know what boundaries we’re keeping. Instead, I hold out the stuffed animal that I bought her. Her smile widens again as she sees it, reaching up to take it from me.

“That’s for you,” I tell her.

“Thank you!” she squeals. 

She takes the whale from me and squeezes it to her chest. 

Instead of awkwardly standing there to watch her, I take a seat on the couch. It’s plusher than I imagine, feeling like I’m sinking into it. 

Lucy drops back down to the floor, keeping the whale by her side. She goes back to the blocks, appearing to be trying to build something but quickly getting frustrated.

The silence is more than I want to deal with.

“Watcha tryin' to make Lucy?” I ask, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees.

“A castle,” she turns to look at me, her nose wrinkled just like her mother’s when something isn’t pleasing to her, “I can’t get it to stay though.”

I slide off of the couch, crawling over to where she sits on the floor. I’ve never done this before. I still don’t know how to interact with children or how to approach them. I’m going off of what feels natural, what I’ve seen on TV and in movies.

“Do you want me to help?” I ask.

She looks at the blocks and then back at me, “Maybe.”

I don’t know what ‘maybe’ means to a toddler. So, carefully, I reach out and take one of the blocks that she isn’t using. Lucy’s initial reaction isn’t negative, so I figure that I should be okay to continue. I reach out and take another block, starting to build a base for her castle.

Her attention turns to me, watching what I’m doing. After I build a base, I gesture for her to put a block on top of the ones that I have laid out.

Soon enough, I find myself explaining to Lucy that you need a solid base to build anything. I don’t think she’s paying much attention, instead, her focus is on stacking the blocks as high as she can. I don’t know if she really understands what I’m talking about. But she seems happy, so I continue to jabber on and help her build.

Before we’re able to finish the castle, Cassidy announces that dinner is ready. The block castle is long forgotten by Lucy, who jumps up and races towards the dining room.

The entire time that we’re eating, I find myself wondering if this is what a real family is like. Lucy tells Cassidy all about what she did at her grandmother’s house that day, and Cassidy sits and listens patiently. 

I don’t remember ever eating dinner with my father as a child. He was always too busy. After my mom left, it was usually just Allison, myself, and Edward. Then, none of us really knew what to say to one another so we just ate in silence. I never had a normal family life; maybe that’s why I’m so surprised by it now.

After dinner, despite Cassidy’s insistence for me not to, I clean the table off and do the dishes, giving her time to go play with Lucy before it’s her bedtime. I know that all the choices that led up to this were my own...but God, I wish things were different.

For the first time since being down in Georgia, I find myself desperately wishing that this was my family. I’ve longed for it before. I’ve known that the pieces were missing...but now it’s a melancholic ache in my chest. I wish this was my life.

I finish the dishes, leaving them to dry before finding Cassidy and Lucy in the living room. Together, the three of us finish off Lucy’s tower before bed. When the final block is placed by Cassidy, she declares that it’s bedtime and Lucy starts to pout.

“I don’t wanna,” she says, stomping her little foot on the ground.

It shakes the tower of blocks, but they don’t topple over.

“Too bad. We can’t always get what we want, Luc,” Cassidy says.

She sounds exasperated like this isn’t the first time that they’ve had this fight.

“But Oliver is here. I wanna stay with Oliver.”

My heart melts in my chest. I wish that I could stay with her too, but I don’t say that. Cassidy is the parent here, I’m a visitor. I don’t want to overstep and cause myself to never be invited over again.

“You can see Oliver again later, Lucy,” Cassidy says, bending down to scoop up the toddler who’s clearly not going to go to bed under her own power.

“I promise.”

Lucy doesn’t look at her mother. She looks at me with eyes that mirror my own.

“Promise?’

I steal a glance at Cassidy, making sure she doesn’t look against me saying anything.

“As soon as your mama has time for me to come back over, I’ll come over, Lucy. I promise.”

I hope that that was good enough to calm Lucy, but not put too much pressure on Cassidy. I don’t want her to feel obligated to spend more time with me.

Lucy’s eyes narrow before she decides that my promise was good enough.

“Okay,” she says, the reluctance still clear in her voice.

With that, Cassidy carries Lucy off to her bedroom, leaving me in the living room with our block castle. I stand there, raking a hand through my hair, unsure of what I’m supposed to say or do now. I assume with Lucy going to bed that it’s time for me to head out.

I don’t know how much time passes when Cassidy enters the living room again. Now that Lucy is in bed, I see exhaustion taking over her features. She looks like she could use a day at the spa – or a vacation. I wonder when the last time she really got to relax was. 

“Sorry about that. Usually, I have to fight to get her up in the morning, not to get her in bed,” she says, wrapping her arms around her midsection. 

We stand on opposite sides of the living room, keeping a space between the two of us. If one wanted to get philosophical, they could say that the space between us is where all the unspoken words between us float around, waiting to be said.

“She’s a kid, Cassidy. It’s fine.”

A beat. More silence. I speak again.

“I guess I should get going then. Dinner was delicious and I appreciate the invitation.”

Before I can turn to walk towards the door, Cassidy speaks. Her voice is quiet. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s trying not to wake up Lucy or if she doesn’t want me to hear her.

“You could stay for wine if you’d like. I don’t get a lot of adult company these days.”

I don’t hesitate to say ‘yes’. I’ve been in love with this woman since she walked into my office about four years ago. I let her walk away and my feelings never died. She could ask me to walk on hot coals and I would without a second thought. I would give anything to have her by my side again, to fall back into place with her...but I know that she doesn’t want that. I haven’t earned her love back yet, and I don’t know if I ever will.

For now, I’ll be happy to just share a glass of wine with her. 

Cassidy sits in the recliner in the living room, legs tucked underneath her, making herself seem smaller. I take the end of the couch furthest from her. 

I’d give anything to close the distance between the two of us, I don’t know how many times I can express that. I just want to be close to her again. But I also respect her so much more than that. She wanted adult conversation, not her garbage ex to lust after her all night.

The wine we’re sipping on tastes more like juice than actual wine. Cassidy told me that it’s from a local winery. I’m not convinced she didn’t get ripped off. 

I’m here for conversation, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what she wants to talk about, what wouldn’t be bothersome to her. So, I let her take the lead. 

“Noelle’s been wanting to come down to visit,” she says, swirling the wine around in her glass.

I’ve started to notice that most times when Cassidy speaks to me, she doesn’t look at me. She looks past me like there’s something just beyond my face that’s more interesting. Or she just doesn’t look in my direction.

Before I get a chance to respond, she continues, “But your father would never give her a day off. After he promoted her to his assistant, he worked Noelle to the bone.” 

“I can’t argue there. It’s part of the role she took on when becoming an assistant,” I say, hoping those are the right words. “But, when I get back, I’ll make sure that Noelle gets a break.”

“Don’t do me any favors, Oliver.”

Her words don’t yet spit venom, but I know they have the possibility too. 

“I’m not doing you any favors, Cassidy. Noelle’s worked hard over the last few years. She’s also the one who found my father and called me to the hospital. I probably should have given her a break before taking one myself. She’ll get a break. Not because of you, but because she’s earned it.”

Cassidy’s lips purse to the side before she nods slowly, taking another sip from her glass of wine.

“Thank you.”

Silence threatens to lull between the two of us again, but I won’t allow for that to happen. I decide to take a risk and break it, hoping that my topic of choice doesn’t result in actual venom being spit in my direction.

“Are you seeing anybody?” I ask her. Before giving her time to answer, I elaborate. “Because I saw someone drop you off that day at the restaurant. It’s none of my business, I know that, but I’d like to know in case someone angrily shows up at my door one day.”

She looks towards me – and I think she actually looks at me this time.

“You mean like you did to Gavin Panton that one time?”

“That’s different.”

“Is it?”

No, but I don’t want to lose this argument.

Gavin Panton was a reporter that Cassidy casually saw after we broke up for the first time. She didn’t show up for work one day after going on a date with him, and Noelle was beginning to get worried. I knew that it wasn’t like Cassidy not to call, and she wasn’t answering her phone, so I went to see Panton for answers. If I hadn’t, nobody would have known that she was in bed sick with her first bout of morning sickness.

“Yes,” I lie. 

I take another sip of wine. 

“That’s the hill you want to die on, Oliver?”

“I’ve died on dumber ones, Cassidy.”

“That’s true.”

In the dim-lighting of the living room, among Lucy’s scattered toys and the few family photos that Cassidy has plastered on the walls, I think I see a smile on her face. An actual smile toward me that doesn’t involve Lucy being around.

I sigh, finally conceding. I don’t want to test my luck too much.

“You’re right. It’s completely different. You can forget that I asked.”

“No, you asked. I’ll give you the answer...” She pauses before finishing the sentence and my heart is going to beat out of my chest. 

I don’t know what to expect. If she is dating somebody, what can I do about it? It’s not like anything can be changed, the damage between the two of us has already been done. I know that finding out she’s dating someone will be a fresh stab in my heart, but I can’t help the curiosity. 

So, I take another sip of my wine and wait on bated breath for Cassidy to give me her answer.

“I’m not dating anybody,” she says, “you just saw me with Michael, who’s a friend. Our boss tried to set us up, but I think we work better as friends.”

I don’t know why I feel so relieved. It’s not like there’s a future for Cassidy and myself. I ruined that. Right now, I’m lucky she’s even giving me a chance to be in her life, to try and build a relationship with my daughter.

“Ah,” I say, taking another sip of wine. 

I eye the bottle resting on the end table between the recliner Cassidy’s in and the other end of the couch. I stand, walking over to that side and pouring more into my glass. Before I put the bottle back down, I offer it to Cassidy, who eyes it for a moment before extending her glass towards me.

I pour just a little bit more into her glass before sitting the bottle back on the table. Instead of walking all the way back to the other side of the couch, I sit on the end closest to Cassidy. 

The familiar sense of longing fills my heart. I want her...I want her so damned badly. I love this woman so unbelievably much – and I screwed it all up to the point of no return.

Cassidy takes a sip out of her glass, before letting her gaze settle on me. “What about you?” she asks, “Are you seeing anybody?”

“No,” I don’t hesitate with my answer. “I haven’t really been looking to date, after everything,”

“I’m shocked.”

Cassidy doesn’t need to elaborate. I know exactly what she means. My reputation precedes me. I’m a womanizer, a playboy. I can’t settle down for the life of me, I need a woman on my arm at all times. That was true for past Oliver, who made too many mistakes to count. But I changed when Cassidy walked into my life, I found something worth caring about. I found something worth sticking around for, and I still blew it.

“Yeah, I think a lot of people are,”

“It makes sense. I guess you don’t want to go through the same drama.”

“What drama?”

“The drama your father always seemed to create in your life, which always seemed to upturn our lives. His connections with not so savory characters that always risked getting you in trouble.”

She takes another sip of wine. I don’t know whether the wine is making Cassidy feel a bit bolder or if this is something that’s been on her mind for a while. 

“You’re not wrong,” I tell her.

“I know that I’m not.”

She turns to look at me, swinging her legs over the arm of the chair. 

This is the most intimate we’ve been in years, not in a physical sense, but an emotional one. The dim lighting, the few feet of distance between the two of us, the fact that she’s now looking at me while we talk. 

Cassidy continues, “Your father is the reason that I left because you were going to disobey one of his orders and feared I wouldn’t be safe –”

“You wouldn’t have been.” I cut her off.

Annoyance crosses over Cassidy’s face. Her brows wrinkle together in the center, nose scrunching up.

“How did that ever turn out?” she finally asks. “Was there a point in all of this?” There’s a pause where she gestures around her.

“Or did you blow it out of proportion?”

She’s staring at me now, hard, direct eye contact. She’s searching my eyes for the truth, trying to make sure I don’t let a lie spill from my lips. 

While she was still pregnant, my father wanted me to work with some of the ‘unsavory’ characters that Cassidy referenced to make sure that Windsor would be able to sign an author. He wanted me to make sure that the author signed in whatever way necessary, even if it meant some not so perfectly hid threats.

I didn’t want to be that person, not anymore. Cassidy, and our future child, made me want to be a better man. I told her that I would just give the unsavory characters the wrong information and let them work it out with my father. When the author signed with a competing publishing company the next week, my father knew what I’d done immediately.

It was hell for a good few weeks. He threatened to fire me, cut my inheritance, disown me. He threatened to tell the press that I was the one who arranged a hit on the man he was accused of murdering. Never once did he threaten Cassidy. 

But, by the time I recovered from the dent in my own pride, it was too late, and the damage was already done. How am I supposed to tell her that my father wasn’t the thing that kept us apart this time...it was me. 

I could lie. I could tell her some elaborate story about how scary things were for a while, but I want to repair our damaged relationship, not build it up on even more lies. 

“He found out I lied almost immediately,” I tell her, trying to maintain that eye contact. “For a few months, he made sure that my life was a living hell. I couldn’t sleep at the house. He threatened to fire me, threatened to cut my inheritance, threatened to disown me, but he didn’t do any of it. He just treated me like trash until he got over it.” 

As I utter the last line, I find myself no longer able to make eye contact. 

I know exactly what I would find if I were to look into Cassidy’s eyes. 

That’s why I’m so surprised when I hear her laughing.

Chapter Twelve

Cassidy

I’m laughing, and it’s hard to put into words ‘why’ exactly. I clamp a hand over my mouth, trying not to disturb Lucy. The last thing I want is to have to lull her back to sleep right now.

I’m not laughing because what Oliver told me is particularly funny or because I’m drunk on wine. 

I’m laughing because I uprooted my entire life due to Oliver just overthinking, due to him being overdramatic about what consequences he would face if he didn’t act as his father’s lap dog. I don’t know why I ever believed that I was in danger. Alan Windsor was a lot of things, but I doubt he would have lashed out towards me and his grandchild. 

I doubt the unsavory people who he worked with would have lashed out in my direction too, now that I think about it.

I feel like an utter idiot. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I uprooted my life. My child has grown up without a father. I gave up my dream job...all because Oliver was being overdramatic.

“Please tell me you’re lying,” I finally say as I unclamp my hand over my mouth.

“Cassidy.”

“Oliver, tell me that you’re lying. Tell me all of this isn’t because of what you thought would happen. Tell me that you didn’t even show up to your daughter’s birth because of your damaged pride. Please tell me that.”

He looks down before chugging the rest of his wine.

“I know how stupid it sounds, but I was genuinely concerned, Cassidy. I didn’t know what he would or wouldn’t do. I didn’t want anything to happen to you.”

“You didn’t know what would happen, fine. I get it. Your father wasn’t somebody to trifle with, but what about after? Did you seriously stay away because of pride? Oliver, if you would have just told me what had happened back then...I would have laughed but I wouldn’t have been so fucking angry at you.”

I can’t hold back the bitterness that starts to leak through. As unironic as it all is, I’ve had to do all of this alone because of his damn pride. I find it hard to wrap my head around that. All of this is because of Oliver’s pride. Nothing more, nothing less.

“I know. I’ve told you before, I know that I messed up, Cassidy. That’s why I’m here now, to do what I can to fix it. I want to repent for the things that I’ve done to you. I’m trying to make steps forward.”

I believe him. I hate that I do, but I do. My mom’s right about one thing, I’m so weak for this man. However, I can usually tell when Oliver is lying to me. Right now, he isn’t. 

Just because I believe him doesn’t mean that I forgive him. Those are two separate things. I don’t forgive him, and I don’t know if I ever will. Right now, I’m just taking baby steps.

“And that’s fine. I’m okay with giving you that chance because Lucy deserves to know her father. That doesn’t mean I’m not still angry with you Oliver. It definitely doesn’t mean we’re anywhere close to where we used to be. I doubt we’ll ever be like that again.”

I can tell that hurts him because it hurts me too. In a perfect world, we would be able to fall back together so easily, but things are far from perfect.

Oliver downs the rest of the wine in his glass.

“I just want the opportunity to know my daughter. That’s it. I want an okay enough relationship between the two of us that things are close to normal for Lucy growing up. We both grew up in households lacking one parent and I don’t want my daughter to have to do the same.” 

I know. It’s exactly why I’m doing so. It’s why I let him in in the first place. 

Now that I’m grown, I don’t feel like I’m lacking anything from not having a childhood with a father in it. But as a kid, it kind of sucked. It was hard to grow up, seeing my friends spend time with their dads, and being left wondering why my father wouldn’t even call me. 

I don’t want Lucy to feel the same way.

“I get it,” I tell him, “that’s why we’re here.”

I can tell the conversation swung to a point where it’s too much for him. Oliver’s never been one for deep conversation and baring his emotions for someone else to see is likely a form of torture for him. The fact that he’s been so open since he’s been here has been a miracle. Now, I know that we’ve crossed a line.

He stands from the couch and stretches before turning his body towards me.

“I assume you have to get up early for work tomorrow?”

“I do.”

I’m not upset. Secretly, I think that I’m thankful that the conversation has ended. We’ve moved a few steps forward tonight, especially now that I know more of the truth about why things ended up dissolving between us, why he never showed up after promising that he would.

“I’ll let you get to bed then,” he pauses. “Is there any chance I’ll be able to see Lucy anytime soon?”

“How long do you have left in town?”

“That wasn’t the question, Cassidy. I can stay as long as I need to. I’m taking care of the company from here. Our daughter is more important to me.”

I want to question that. Is she really that important to you? Why did it take three years to show up? Is your pride the only reason you stayed away? Because that’s pathetic. But we’ve reached a comfort with each other again and I don’t want to go backward from there. I want to keep moving forward, so I swallow my bitterness down like a pill.

My lips press into a line, hopefully, a signal that I’m not going to deal with his attitude.

“Probably this weekend. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” he starts to walk towards the door, spinning on his heel to look at me before opening the front door.

“Good night Cassidy.”

I feel like this is all new again. I feel brought back to years before when we were just getting to know one another. 

Good nights from Oliver always ended up with kisses, or the desire to kiss him. There’s something about the way the words leave his lips, coming out in a purr rather than a simple sentence. I could chalk that up to his flirty nature, or I could just take the time to swoon over it. 

It’s ironic. Despite how much I know we cannot get back together, despite the lack of trust and the lack of well, everything else between the two of us, I still want to kiss him. I want to close the distance between the two of us and feel his lips on mine once again.

Instead, I make sure my feet are firmly planted on the floor, that way they can’t tempt me to close this gap between the two of us.

“Good night, Oliver.” 

I’ve never been more thankful that I didn’t kiss somebody. Despite how prevalent the temptation was last night, I defeated it, and I’m a better person because of it. I know that if I were to kiss Oliver, it would just make things so much messier than they already were. It wouldn’t be good for Lucy to get wrapped up in the drama that usually follows Oliver and myself.

I’m sitting at my desk at work, counting the minutes on the clock until the work day is over and I’m free for the weekend. I’ve been trying to think of a reason Oliver could see Lucy again this weekend, but I don’t want it to become too commonplace. I don’t want to see him every day, but he deserves time with his daughter.

My nails tap against the bottom of my keyboard, lost in thought as I rack my brain for something we could do this weekend, something that would make sense for Oliver to come with us. 

“You know, normally you type on the keys.”

I look up to see Neil leaning in the doorway of my office, arms crossed over his chest.

“I’m not having dinner with Michael, Neil. We’ve already spoken. We’re just friends. Don’t you get that?”

“This isn’t about Michael, Cassidy.”

I’m suddenly paying attention. If it’s not about Michael, perhaps it’s about work. Maybe my job isn’t going to be utterly boring for once. Maybe there’s some scandal that I’m going to have to fix. 

“I’m listening,” I say as I swirl my chair to face him.

“We just hired a new guy. Not a construction worker. He’s going to be working in our marketing department, his name’s Elias. Are you interested?”

I’m dumbfounded. At any other workplace, the boss constantly trying to set up his employee would be seen as weird, maybe even borderline harassment. I’m not offended by what Neil’s trying to do, but I am a little tired of it. I can find my own date if I so choose.

“Neil.”

“Before you say ‘no’ Cassidy, give it a chance. It’ll be one dinner date and that’s it. If you don’t like the guy, I promise that I’ll stop completely. Paula made me promise. I just want to see you happy. Plus, I really think you’ll like Elias. He seems like your type.”

“Neil, how in the hell do you know what my type is?”

“Cassidy, we all know who your ex is. You clearly have a type. Trust me when I say Elias matches that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask but get no answer as Neil pushes off the wall and walks away.

Well, this sucks.

Neil arranged for my ‘blind date’ with Elias to be Saturday night. 

Saturday night is when my mom goes out with her friends for her weekly girl’s night.

I know that if I were to ask, she would give it up immediately. Anything to get to spend more time with her granddaughter and to ensure that I wouldn’t be getting back together with Oliver. 

But my mom deserves all the time in the world to herself. Realization dawns on me that I have one other option, one other person that I trust to watch Lucy.

So, Friday evening, as I sit in my mom’s driveway, about to pick up Lucy, I send a text that I don’t want to send.

‘What’s the address to your cabin?’

I don’t know why this date is so important to me. Maybe it’s to prove to myself that I am over Oliver. Maybe it’s to prove that I’m willing to give love a shot if it were to walk in my direction. 

Maybe I’m just being stubborn, trying to convince myself that love is out there for me and it’s not in the form of Oliver Windsor.

I get a text back from Oliver a few seconds later, the address to his cabin and a simple ‘why?’

‘I’m coming over.’

I plug the address into my GPS and pull out of my mom’s driveway, heading in that direction. On the way, I call my mom and tell her that something came up at work and I had to head back to the office for a little bit.

I make a mental note to pick her up a gift for dealing with me as she does.

The cabin that Oliver has rented isn’t too far out of the city. It’s not even on the worst backroads that the area has to offer. It’s a pretty easy drive. I find it without a problem, pulling into the driveway and getting out of the car.

I don’t know how I’m going to ask this of him. It’s a ridiculous request, especially to my ex, but I think it works out for the best for both of us. It gives him time to spend with Lucy, and it gives me a chance to do something for myself.

I just hope it doesn’t start an argument.

As soon as I’m out of the car, the front door to the cabin swings open. Oliver stands there in a white t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants, his hair hasn’t been brushed all day.

“Everything alright?” he asks, worry crossing his features.

“Everything is fine,” I assure him. “I just have to ask you for a favor.”

“Do you want to come in first?”

“Yeah, yeah. I think that’s a good idea.”

I shove my car keys into my purse and follow him into his cabin. 

The cabin is huge. The living room has black leather furniture, a sleek fireplace, an updated flat-screen TV, and a brick accent wall. It feels home-ier than any cabin that I’ve been in before. 

Oliver falls onto one end of the couch and I allow myself to fall back on the other end.

“What’s up, Cassidy?” he asks.

I notice that he doesn’t quite make eye contact when he asks like he’s worried about something. And I get it. I came over here unannounced after a night that didn’t end entirely pleasantly. 

It looks like I took a page out of Oliver’s playbook.

“It’s nothing huge. At least, nothing bad. I was just wondering...would you be willing to watch Lucy tomorrow night? She likes you and I wouldn’t leave her with just any stranger, but you’re her father.”

Oliver’s eyes are wide. He blinks slowly at me before repeating what I just said.

“You want me to babysit Lucy tomorrow night?”

For a moment, I think he’s going to tell me ‘no’. I know that it’s a huge step from where we’ve been sitting with this relationship. It’ll be his first time alone with Lucy. 

Finally, Oliver continues what he was saying, “Absolutely.”

That was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I lean back onto the plush couch, feeling the stress melt off of me. Going on this date isn’t that important to me...or it shouldn’t be. I don’t even know the guy that Neil set me up with.

“Thank you.” 

“Can I ask why? Is everything alright?”

Now, I can choose to tell Oliver the truth, or I could choose to make up some lie about why I need a babysitter. But we’re trying to rebuild our relationship for Lucy’s sake. I shouldn’t start the foundation for that on lies.

“Everything’s fine. It’s just...my boss set me up on a blind date.”

I realize how ridiculous that sounds when I say that out loud.

I try to read Oliver’s face when I tell him the truth, but it’s an unreadable mask. I hate that about him, but I know that means something is on his mind. Whenever Oliver doesn’t want to reveal his emotions, he goes straight to being unreadable to everyone around him.

“Oh,” he says.

“Yeah. He promised that this is the last time he’ll try to set me up with someone if this doesn’t pan out, so I figured I’d take him up on the offer.” 

Why am I telling him all of this information? He just asked a simple question.

Oliver shakes his head, “Yeah, I get it. Don’t you find it a bit weird that your boss is trying to set you up on blind dates? Imagine if I did that. Or worse, what if Alan did that?”

“Alan did convince me to pretend that we were in a relationship to make my pregnancy more palatable for the public.” 

“That’s different.”

“Is it? Because I think that’s a little bit weirder than just setting me up on a date.”

“Touché, I guess. Anyway, yeah, I’ll watch her tomorrow. Just let me know when and I’ll be ready.”

I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Thank you, Oliver. I truly appreciate it.”

“Not a problem, Cassidy. I’m just excited to spend some time with Lucy.”

When I leave Oliver’s, I can’t help but feel ridiculously guilty, like I’ve done something wrong. He seemed alright with it, and I have to move on sometime, right? Besides, it’s just one date. 

What harm could that do?

Chapter Thirteen

Oliver

I shouldn’t be bothered by Cassidy going on a date, but I am. I wanted to repair our relationship, I wanted a chance to prove that I’m a better man now. But it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get that chance. She’s ready to move on without me, and I just have to accept that.

At least I get a chance to spend time with Lucy. And now I’m extremely nervous. It goes back to me having no experience of being around a child before. Especially when that child is my own. I’ve had no part in raising her. I only know the Lucy that I’ve seen for a few hours at a time, not one I’ve had to be in charge of.

I spend the whole day making sure the cabin is clean. I set one of the spare bedrooms up for her, in case Cassidy’s date is longer than expected. I try not to think about what that means.

It’s a little before five when Cassidy’s car pulls into my driveway. I open the front door, walking out to greet them and I’m blown away.

Cassidy looks gorgeous. Not that she normally doesn’t, but this time it’s clearly something special. She’s curled her hair, letting it fall around her shoulders. She’s wearing a light pink skirt and a white lace long-sleeved top. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so beautiful – it takes me a good second to get my thoughts together.

“Let me help you with that,” I say, rushing forward.

She hands me two bags and then one shopping bag as she wrangles Lucy out of the car.

“I grabbed some snacks and dinner that she likes from the store. I think I packed her favorite toys, some movies, a change of clothes and pajamas, and everything she needs for a bath.”

Now that panic begins to settle in again. It’s a lot of responsibility.

The press often likes to rant on about how I’ve never known responsibility in my life, how everything has always been handed to me. I’ve fought against that for years, determined to prove that I’m more than they think I am. I’ve dealt with responsibility before.

Now, I’m realizing that maybe I haven’t. Because I’ve never been left as the one in charge of a three-year-old.

I’m scared to death.

Instead of responding, I walk with Cassidy and Lucy into the cabin. I place the bags on the countertop, watching as Cassidy hugs Lucy.

“I promise that I’ll be back soon, okay? Until then, you’re going to hang out with Oliver. Is that okay?”

Lucy has already made herself at home in my cabin, climbing up onto the couch and making herself comfortable.

“Okay, mama!” she exclaims, waving as Cassidy starts to walk back towards the door.

Cassidy stops by where I stand in the kitchen, making sure to make eye contact with me.

“Call me immediately if anything happens,” she says.

I can tell from the tone of her voice that she’s not joking. She’s dead serious.

“I wouldn’t think of doing anything else,” I promise, “I’ll see you when you get back. Enjoy your night, Cassidy.”

She offers a little half-smile and a wave before stepping out the front door.

I find myself watching her go – and I feel a white-hot feeling beginning to bubble in my stomach. It’s a feeling that while I’m familiar enough with, I haven’t felt often in my lifetime. It’s nothing but pure jealousy, wishing that I was the one who would be able to sweep Cassidy off her feet tonight.

I turn back to where our daughter sits on the couch, grey eyes looking towards me. I realize that she’s where my attention should lie for the rest of the evening. I can always focus on that jealousy later.

“Alright Lucy,” I say, beginning to open the bags that Cassidy brought. I find the snacks that she provided and move to put the refrigerated ones in the fridge.

“What should we do first? Are you hungry? Do you want to play? Watch a movie?”

She’s silent. She’s just staring at me, shrugging when I ask her a question. That’s nothing like the child I saw the other night, or on the day that we went to the petting zoo. She seems smaller somehow and it takes me by surprise.

“Are you alright?” I ask, walking around the counter.

Once again, Lucy is silent. She sits on the couch and stares at me in wide-eyed shock.

I realize exactly what it is.

Cassidy has been with us every time we’ve been together. We’ve never been left alone. To her, I’m still just a nice stranger with whom her mom is friends. Despite that, I’m still a stranger.

I walk towards the living room. Instead of sitting on the couch next to Lucy, I take a seat in the recliner next to it. I give her space, not wanting her to feel overcrowded.

“Alright,” I softly say, “I get it. You’re scared. I’m a stranger and your mom’s gone right now.”

When I say that, she whimpers quietly, and I feel even worse.

“But hey, it’s okay. Your mom’s going to come back and we’re going to have fun until then, okay? I’ll make you dinner, we can watch a movie and go from there. So, why don’t I hand you your toys while I cook and give you some time to get used to being around here?”

I feel strange. I don’t know if Lucy is processing anything that I’m saying or if I used words that don’t make sense. I don’t know if I’m giving her too many options. Maybe I should have done some research before I agreed to babysit.

I walk back over to the counter and grab the bag full of toys. Still being mindful of giving Lucy space, I place the bag on the opposite end of the couch from where she sits. I go back to the kitchen and go through the rest of the groceries that Cassidy brought over.

I’m left with a box of macaroni and cheese mix and a pack of hotdogs. Now, I’m not an expert on cuisine for a toddler, but I’m assuming she wants mac and cheese with hotdogs mixed in. Simple enough, doesn’t require culinary skills that I don’t possess.

Doable.

I set about getting everything ready, searching the cabin for cooking utensils. I’ve been eating more of my meals at local places or getting takeout, not wanting to cook myself a meal in the cabin. But this changes everything, it’s for Lucy.

I look up from my preparations and see her sitting on the floor, the stuffed whale that I bought her the other day tucked underneath her arm. She’s going through the bag of toys carefully, finally pulling out a bag of what appears to be little props and accessories for her stuffed animals.

I smile to myself. Seeing that is much better than seeing her sit on the couch alone.

She looks much more like the Lucy that I’ve grown used to.

Dinner prep isn’t challenging. I get everything whipped up rather quickly and mix it all into a little bowl for Lucy, sitting it on the four-person dining table by the kitchen and setting a fork by it.

“Hey, dinner’s ready,” I call out to her, going back to the fridge to get her a cup of water to go with her dinner. “You wanna come to eat?”

Lucy looks up at me, stopping whatever she’s doing with her stuffed animals and their props to stand up and rush over to the dinner table. She climbs up into the chair where her bowl is set and looks at the dinner.

For what isn’t the first time today, anxiety rises in me. I hope I made it right. I hope this is what she wanted. The last thing I know how to handle is a meltdown over dinner with limited materials on hand.

“Everything okay?” I ask.

She picks up the fork in that clumsy way that children do, using both hands to grip on to it as she scoops a bite into her mouth.

She doesn’t even swallow before saying, “Good!”

I let out a breath that I hadn’t realized that I was holding. “Okay...just don’t eat too fast, alright?”

I sit across from her, watching as she eats.

“Feeling a little bit better about being here?”

She nods.

“Okay, good. I don’t know if you know this or not, but I’m a little scared too Lucy.”

She takes another forkful of mac and cheese.

“What are you scared of?” she asks it in disbelief like she’s unsure how an adult could be scared of something.

“I’ve never hung out with a kid before,” I tell her. “I’m scared I’m going to do something that’ll make you not want to be my friend anymore,”

I say it in a way that I hope she understands.

She takes another bite of her food before shaking her head.

“I like being your friend, Oliver.”

Once again, I feel relieved. All I want is to get along with Lucy, for her to one day be able to view me as her father. I want to earn that title, in her eyes and Cassidy’s.

“I like being your friend too, Lucy.”

Chapter Fourteen

Cassidy

The restaurant that Elias decided we should go to is a cute little German place that has a deck overlooking the river. When I step inside, checking in on our reservation, I feel like I’m extremely overdressed.

I’d gotten used to the fancy New York restaurants where I always felt underdressed. I forgot how different it is down here.

The hostess leads me towards the reserved table, one right by the side of the deck that has a perfect view of the river, and I find myself waiting. I’ve never had to wait on a date before and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

While I wait, I start to worry about Lucy. I’ve never left her with someone other than my mother before. I wonder if she’s adjusting okay, whether she’s eating dinner or not. I wonder if Oliver’s handling it all okay. I remember that I didn’t tell him how much she hates getting water in her face when someone washes her hair.

Just as I go to pull my phone out of my bag to text him, I see the hostess leading someone in my direction. I assume that it’s Elias. He’s taller than I expected, with short blonde hair, so light that it almost looks like it was bleached.

“Cassidy,” he introduces himself as the hostess walks away, extending a polite hand in my direction. When he speaks, I don’t notice the tell-tale southern accent, and I’m instantly curious as to where he’s from.

“Elias, I presume,” I say, taking his hand in my own. I shake it gently before we both sit down at the table.

“That’s me. Neil and Paula told me that you were pretty, but God, did they undersell you,” he lays the charm on thick and I feel myself falling for it.

Maybe it’s because it’s been a while since I’ve been charmed, or maybe I’m just blinded by his good looks.

I know nothing about Elias other than the fact he’s gorgeous and works in marketing. Neil didn’t give me a quick rundown of his personality, so I don’t know what is or isn’t off the table.

I try my luck and make a joke, “Neil didn’t tell me you had a thing for showing up late. Like all the attention on you?”

And then I brace myself.

Men can be fragile. I brace myself for Elias taking the joke the wrong way or thinking I’m being rude. While I’m not used to being the first one at a restaurant, it’s not an absolute deal breaker.

He offers a sheepish smile, “I promise I’m not usually late. Would you believe me if I told you I stopped to help this poor old widow who was broken down on the side of the road?”

Laughing, I respond, “Lying doesn’t earn you any brownie points, Elias.”

“You’re right. I’ll just be honest then. I haven’t been on a date in ages and I was nervous, so I probably spent too long getting ready.”

“Honesty earns you brownie points, keep that in mind.” I wink at him.

Conversation over dinner ebbs and flows as we begin to learn about one another. I find out that Elias is actually from Ohio and moved down here when Neil reached out to him personally to offer him a position at Crosby. I learn that he still has issues driving around mountain curves and has a habit of tapping the bottom of his wine glass as he listens to somebody talk.

I don’t hold back on anything. I tell him all about Lucy and that I worked in New York for a bit. I admit that if you search me on the internet, you’ll probably come up with some interesting articles. I tell him how much I hate Italian food because I had a bad experience with it before Lucy was born and Elias says he finds the way I scrunch my nose up when I’m thinking about something adorable.

I don’t remember what it’s like to be on a first date where things feel easy, but that’s how this all feels. So easy. I don’t feel pressured to be something that I’m not and Elias doesn’t make me feel unnerved when he looks at me.

Dinner goes so well that after he pays, he looks at me and asks, “Do you want to walk along the river? Just for a bit? I don’t think I’m ready for this night to be over yet.”

A smile finds its way onto my face as I nod,

“I’m so glad you said something because I wasn’t either.” 

Chapter Fifteen

Oliver

After dinner, I grab some blankets from the storage closet in the hallway and toss them onto the couch. I put one of the movies that Cassidy brought over for Lucy to watch on and I take a seat on the couch, giving Lucy plenty of time to decide whether or not she wants to watch with me.

I don’t have much time to watch movies. I don’t know if what we’re watching is a new release or not, but as soon as the theme music starts to play, Lucy hops up onto the couch, stuffed whale in hand.

I try not to think about who Cassidy is with or what she’s doing. I’ve dealt with her dating someone else before, but Lucy wasn’t in the picture. I hadn’t realized what an idiot I was then for letting her walk away. I felt like I had more control over that situation.

Now, I definitely don’t. I feel completely out of control. What am I supposed to do? Tell her that I’m not okay with her dating somebody else? I was out of her life for three years. I’m surprised she’s not engaged or married.

Halfway through the movie, which has held my interest more than I expected, I feel small hands maneuvering the blanket around me. Lucy has crawled across the couch and has curled herself into my side.

My heart flutters in my chest. For the first time, I really feel like her father. Careful, as not to make her uncomfortable, I reach out and wrap my arm around her, pulling her close. Lucy seems to relax against me, and we continue to watch the movie. I let the worries about Cassidy and whatever she’s doing on her date disappear from my mind.

Just as the movie’s coming to a close, I hear a soft snore coming from my side. Looking down, Lucy has clearly fallen asleep and I feel my heart go weak all over again. The longer I’m around her, the easier I feel myself falling into the role of being a father.

I let the credits play out, waiting to see if Lucy’s going to stir awake – she doesn’t. I shift carefully, moving as to not disturb her. I scoop her up into my arms and Lucy’s still snoring. She’s out.

I hope Cassidy can forgive me if I let bath time slide or if I don’t get her into pajamas, but she’s clearly tired. I’d feel awful if I were to disturb her. I walk to one of the guest rooms with a twin size bed and maneuver everything as carefully as possible. Still holding Lucy, moving carefully not to disturb her, and turn down the covers at the same time.

I tuck her in, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. I dim the lights in the room but refuse to turn them off completely, not wanting Lucy to wake up in a fright. I walk back out to the living room and settle back on the couch.

I think I could get used to this.

About two hours later, I hear the gravel crunch in the driveway, signaling Cassidy’s arrival. Lucy hasn’t stirred since I put her down, but I’ve been checking on her every twenty minutes or so. A car door closes, and I feel anxiety rise in my chest again.

I’m out of my element here. I’m scared that Cassidy is going to hate the way that I’ve handled Lucy. What if she’s upset that I put her to bed so early? Or what if dinner wasn’t healthy enough?

And then the fears about her date come back into the picture. I don’t want to hear about it, but is it rude not to ask? What if it went awful? Or even worse, what if it went well?

I hate that I feel out of character. I’m not insecure. I’m not jealous. I’m not anxious – but Cassidy changes me. She stirs things within me that I don’t recall feeling before. That’s how I know how real things are between the two of us.

The front door creaks as it opens, high heels clicking against the wooden floor of the cabin. I turn to look at her and Cassidy is glowing. She looks happier than she did when she left. It’s like a stab in the gut, a hot knife twisting into the skin.

“Hey,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper. “Lucy asleep?”

I turn my body on the couch, arm draping over the back as I look at her.

“She knocked out about two hours ago. We were watching a movie and she was snoring before it finished.”

She laughs, “Yeah, she struggles to make it through movies this late. It’s my usual go-to when she doesn’t want to go to bed.”

“We didn’t get bath time in; I hope that’s okay.”

She waves a hand dismissively, “Yeah, I can handle that in the morning.”

Silence settles over the room and I know that I should ask how her evening was. I know that I’m supposed to ask how the date went, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to hear all about it.

But I’m not here for me. I’m here for Cassidy, I’m here for Lucy, I’m here to prove that I’m a better man than I’ve been.

“How did the date go?” I ask, hoping I don’t sound too indifferent.

Cassidy walks over to the couch, sitting on the end opposite of me. It feels familiar, yet not at the same time. She puts her face in her hands for a minute and I instantly assume the worst. She got stood up, the guy was an asshole. But then I remember that glow she had about her, the look that things were all magical tonight.

The knife twists inside of me again.

When she looks up, running a hand through her curls and brushing them from her face, I see that smile. It’s the same smile that I always hoped was reserved for me. It’s the smile that can light up a room, or make a man feel like everything is right in the world. It’s the smile that tells me I’ve lost every chance I wish I had with her.

“It was...amazing,” she finally says. Her voice has that dreamy quality about it, the one that some women take on when they’re swooning over somebody. “I didn’t expect a lot, honestly. I didn’t expect to even like the guy...but I was pleasantly surprised.”

Am I a bad person because I would have preferred it all to go horribly?

I don’t wish bad things for Cassidy, but I wish that I could magically fix things between the two of us. I wish I had a proper chance before she moved on.

I try to keep a straight face, try to smile at her like I’m happy. Because despite my own misery, I am. I’m happy that she’s happy. That’s all that matters, right?

“I’m glad you had a good night,” I tell her. “Honestly. He’s a good guy, right?”

“I mean, I’ve been on one blind date with him, Oliver. There’s only so much you can learn, but I think he is. I think he’s a good one,”

“Good, you deserve it.”

That awkwardness settles between the two of us again. This time I don’t think there are words that can fix that. I don’t think anything I say will feel right at the moment. I think I have to settle with this awkward silence between the two of us.

“Mind helping me get Lucy out to the car? I can pick up her stuff if you want to get her...”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

I’m thankful for the escape from the conversation that we’re having. I stand from the couch and walk to the spare bedroom where Lucy is still curled up on the bed, tucked tightly underneath the blankets.

I reach down and scoop her up carefully.

She stirs in my arms, looking up at me with barely open eyes and heavy eyelids.

“Oliver?”

“Your mom’s back, kiddo. We’re going to get you in your car seat and on your way home, alright?”

“Okay, Oliver,” she says, leaning into my chest.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more love for anyone in my life. This is the first time I’m really realizing it. I love Lucy. I’ve loved her before I even met her and despite me being away for so long, nothing has ever changed. I love her. She’s what’s been missing from my life for so long.

I take a second to linger in the bedroom, staring down as her hands grip my shirt. I want to remember this moment forever. Savor it. Keep it with me for when I ultimately have to go back to New York, alone and empty-handed.

I carry Lucy out of the bedroom, back out to where Cassidy is waiting by the front door.

“She’s only slightly awake,” I tell her, walking her out to where the car is waiting.

“That’s perfectly fine. It just means that hopefully, she’ll crash when we get home and she’ll sleep in tomorrow.”

Cassidy opens the car door, making it easier to put Lucy into her car seat. I buckle her in, taking time to look back at Cassidy to double-check that I did it right. When she nods, I take it as I did and step back.

“Thank you for watching her tonight, Oliver. It means a lot to me.”

I shake my head. I want to mention how she’s my daughter. It’s part of my job to watch her, but I know that it’s not my place to mention it right now. Especially where Lucy could hear.

“Don’t mention it, Cassidy. Any time.”

“I’ll be in touch,” she promises with a smile.

“I’ll be counting on it.”

I watch as she drives away, wishing that things could have been different.

Chapter Sixteen

Cassidy

I feel like I’m on such a high. It’s been so long since I felt that magical connection with another person. When I’m with Elias, I feel like I’m the only girl in the world. He makes me feel special. We text constantly during the day, always trying to steal a moment together. We usually grab lunch together at work, he stops by my office just to say ‘hi’ and sometimes we go out before I pick Lucy up from my mom’s.

I know it hasn’t been long, but I feel like I’m really falling for the guy. It all feels so new, I’ve never had to navigate motherhood and a relationship before, but I think I’m managing pretty well. Elias and I are getting serious, fast. I think I’m going to have to take the step of introducing Lucy to him sometime soon.

Is that something I should talk to Oliver about? He’s still Lucy’s father and I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable if he were to bring a random woman around her, but he hasn’t really been a part of her life. Lucy doesn’t even know that he’s her father yet.

It’s a Friday night and Elias and I are at a small brewery downtown, sitting on their rooftop patio. He’s bought a pitcher for our table, and we’re just sitting around, chatting.

“I’m working on pitching a new commercial,” he says, casually talking about work. “I have a good idea about what will interest people, but I’m still waiting on Neil’s approval before I progress it. Does he always take forever?”

“Sometimes,” I say, taking a sip from my glass.

I’m not a beer drinker, but it’s not bad. This was Elias’ idea of a date spot. Now that I think about it, he chooses most dates.

“I’m not used to that. My last boss approved things within a day. I guess things go a bit slower in a small town,” he says as he pours more beer into his glass.

“Yeah. People usually aren’t in a hurry around here. I know things moved quickly in New York too.”

“I’m still jealous that you got to work in New York, it’s the dream.”

“You don’t plan on sticking around here long?”

He shrugs, “As long as Neil keeps paying well, I think I’ll stick around but if an opportunity comes up...I can’t say that I won’t take it.”

I don’t blame him. I know we’re still new. I know that we’re still learning about one another, but I hope that opportunity doesn’t come up. I haven’t met a guy that gets me as Elias does in a long time. I don’t want that taken from me because of New York.

“I get it. That’s why I jumped on that job offer as quickly as I did.”

Elias goes up to get us another pitcher. I brace myself to continue drinking more beer that I’m not a huge fan of. 

When he returns to our table, he sits the pitcher between the two of us.

“So, does your mom have your daughter for just a bit tonight or all night?”

“She’s just watching her for a little,” I say.

Elias nods, things fall silent between us.

I’m sitting on a very serious question, but I find that I’m unsure of how exactly to ask it. I want to know if he thinks we’re in the place where he should meet Lucy. We’re clearly getting serious and she’s a big part of my life. I need to know if she can be a part of his life as well.

“So, Elias, I was wondering...do you want to grab breakfast with Lucy and me tomorrow? It’d give you two a chance to meet one another and –”

He cuts me off. His expression is something that I’ve never really seen on his face before.  

“Cassidy, I really like you,” he says. “I like being around you. I mean, you’re funny, you’re smart, you’re a knockout. I think what we have is special but...I’m not looking to be a stepfather.”

“But...you knew that I had a kid, from the very beginning, Neil even told you when he set us up.”

“Yeah...I knew you have a daughter. I love kids. I respect your choice to raise her alone, but I want to keep things fun between the two of us. I don’t want to make things all messy and try to be something I’m not.”

I feel like I’ve wasted the last few weeks of my life. All the lunches, the extra time I’ve spent away from Lucy. All of it has been a waste because this wasn’t as serious to Elias. This was just fun.

I pick up my glass of beer, chugging the rest of it. It turns my stomach, but I force it down.

“Gotcha. Fun. Well, this was fun, Elias, but I think I should get going.”

“Cassidy?”

I stand up from the table, forcing myself to look at him. It’s like the rose-colored glasses melt away. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I liked him, a lot. I spent the time I could have been spending with my daughter with him. I took a damn chance and clearly that was a mistake.

“We’ll keep it fun, Elias, like you said. I should get going though. Have a good night.” I snap as I gather my things. 

I’m overreacting. I have to be overreacting. The worst part is that I’m aware that I’m likely overreacting. I hardly know Elias. But it was the inference that I’m just with him to try to give Lucy a stepfather or that I automatically want him to jump into her life. I just thought that they should meet.

Is that so wrong?

I hear Elias calling my name as I storm down the stairs of the brewery, but I ignore him. I storm through the rest of the building and to my car, getting inside and slamming the door behind me. 

The first thing that I do is slam my hands on the wheel and let out a frustrated scream, likely looking insane to everyone walking by. I have to admit...I feel a little better after the scream.

Reaching into my purse, I grab my phone and call my mom. I ask if she can just watch Lucy for the night. 

“Is everything alright?” she asks, concern clear in her voice.

I don’t often leave Lucy for sleepovers. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had my mom watch her for a night. It feels awful like I’m just pawning my child off so I can catch a break. But I deserve a break. Especially after tonight.

“I just...I need a night to myself.” I find myself admitting, feeling ashamed.

On the other end, Diana breathes a sigh of relief.

“You take all the time to yourself that you need. My baby girl and I are going to have the best sleepover ever. Don’t you dare worry about us tonight.”

I can hear the smile in her tone. I’ll forever be grateful that my mom adjusted to being a grandmother so quickly. It’s like she was born for the role. 

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too, Cass,” she says before we hang up.

I’m left in the parking lot, trying to figure out my next move. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I want to scream or cry or do something. 

I think about calling Michael, asking if he wants to come over and drink. But while we’re just friends, I worry he’d get the wrong picture. Don’t get me wrong. I like Michael, I trust him. I just don’t know him that well. 

Instead, I decide to do something that’s likely an even worse decision.

I text Oliver.

I’m beginning to memorize the path from town to Oliver’s cabin on the outskirts. I pull up the gravel driveway, hearing the rocks crunch underneath the tires. I come to a stop right behind his black rental car and get out, grabbing my things and bringing them with me. 

I don’t have to knock on the door, he’s already standing on the stairs.

His blonde hair is messy like he hasn’t bothered to fix it all day. He’s wearing a pair of dark grey sweatpants and an olive-green thermal shirt. He’s barefoot, concern on his face.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

The worst part of having a history is that Oliver knows me. He can tell when something is wrong with me, when something is on my mind. He can read my emotions. It makes me regret having such an expressional face. Sometimes I can hide it, but usually, not around him.

“I had a really shitty day,” I answer.

“Want to talk about it?”

“I want to drink.” I push past him, our bodies brushing one another’s as I do so.

Oliver closes the door behind me, walking with me into the kitchen. He’s silent as he watches me make myself at home in the kitchen. I place my purse and the bag I picked up from the liquor store on the counter and begin to search the cabinets for glasses.

“You had to come over to drink?”

“I don’t want to drink alone,” I say, pausing what I’m doing to turn to look at him, “is that a problem?”

“Not a problem. Just making sure I’m aware of what’s going on here.”

He walks over to the cabinet, pulling out a bottle of whiskey.

“I bought this in case things went sour down here and I needed to drown my sorrows.”

“Oh,” I make a little face. Reaching into the bag, I pull out another bottle of whiskey. “I bought you some in case you didn’t have anything,”

A smile pulls over his lips, “I appreciate it, Cassidy.”

We fix our drinks in silence. I pour some pineapple juice into a glass and add some tequila with it. It’s a hell of a lot harder than what I generally drink. I don’t remember the last time I drank something this strong, but I feel like I deserve it. Even if I don’t deserve it, I definitely need it tonight.

Once our glasses are fixed, we walk out to the back deck of Oliver’s cabin. It overlooks a little stream that cuts through this side of the mountain. In the distance, there’s a perfect view of the other mountains that surround us. 

We take our first sips in silence. The alcohol stings the back of my throat, making me cough. Around anyone else, I’d be embarrassed. Around Oliver, I don’t care. I see him glance over at me with an amused grin, but he doesn’t say a thing.

“Are we going to talk about what’s going on?” he asks, breaking the silence as I’m halfway through my drink. “Or am I not supposed to ask about it?”

I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to tell Oliver about how something that was going so well for me turned sour so quickly. It’s embarrassing. I feel ashamed, but who else am I going to tell this to?

“You’re not going to get it,” I finally mutter.

“Obviously I won’t unless you give me a chance to, so, give me a chance.”

I down the rest of the drink in my cup before extending it in his direction. 

“Make me another drink and I will.”

He looks at me, looks at the glass, and then shakes his head.

“Whatever you want, Cassidy.”

He sets his glass down on the table before he takes mine and stands, walking back into the house.

It gives me a moment of silence to think about what I’m going to say, how much I’m willing to tell him. It also gives me a moment to realize how strongly the alcohol is already flooding through my system. My skin feels hot, my head feels a little spinny.

I’m not drunk, but I know that I’ll be there shortly.

Oliver returns with his bottle of whiskey in one hand and a refilled cup of tequila and pineapple juice for me. He hands me the cup before sitting back down, refilling his own glass.

“So, are we going to talk about it?”

“I was out with Elias.”

Talking about dating and whatnot with Oliver feels awkward. It feels like I’m discussing something that I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to rub things in his face or make him feel weird. Hell, our entire situation has always been ‘weird’, I guess.

“Uh-huh,” he says, trying to appear nonchalant.

“Things have been going really well between the two of us,” I say, refusing to make eye contact. I stare out at the mountain range in the distance, taking a sip out of my glass. “Like a lot better than I ever expected them to.”

“Okay, so what’s the problem?”

“Well,” I lean back in the chair, closing my eyes. I wonder if Oliver is going to think I’m crazy. What if I really am overreacting and I threw away something really great tonight? What if he gets upset that I’m proposing introducing our daughter to somebody?

“I was thinking it may be time to introduce him to Lucy,” I speak softly, finally stealing a glance over in his direction to see his reaction to my confession.

It’s brief, but I catch it. It’s pain. He takes a long drink from his glass, no longer looking in my eyes. Once he puts his glass down, he runs a hand through his hair, a very typical stress response from Oliver Windsor. 

As quickly as the pain was apparent on his face, it’s gone. Replaced with a stone-cold expression, nothing on his face.

“Right. Well, if that’s your choice, Cassidy. I can’t tell you not to. I don’t have a right.”

I swallow, taking another drink from my glass. I’m going to need a refill before I continue with the story.

“You have a right to feel something, Oliver. You’re still her father, no matter what.” I run a hand through my hair. “However, that’s not the point. So, I brought it up to Elias. I told him that since we’ve been spending a lot of time together that maybe it would be a good time to introduce him to Lucy. No pressure. No expectations. Just like breakfast together or something.”

“Right,” Oliver isn’t looking at me any longer. He’s staring off in the distance, sipping from his glass. He’s almost on the verge of needing a refill, as am I.

Maybe this was a dumb choice.

I sigh, taking a deep breath.

“Well, Elias said he didn’t think it was a good idea. He’s not looking to be a stepfather. He wants to keep things between us ‘fun’ and something about it just rubbed me the wrong way. Like, if he were to say something like ‘not yet’ or ‘I’m not ready for that step’, I would have taken it better but...” I trail off.

Oliver still isn’t looking at me. He places his cup down on the table and pours more whiskey into it.

“So, he just didn’t take it well? I do agree that he could have worded things better.”

I nod.

“He made me feel like I’m just dating to find a stepfather for Lucy. He made me like just a ‘mom’. And...I know that I’m a mom. I love being a mom, but I’m more than a mom. I’m a person. I’m a woman. I want to date to find companionship. But Lucy is a part of my life. Lucy is my life. If they can’t accept Lucy, they can’t accept me. I don’t want things to just be ‘fun’.” 

I down the rest of my drink, my head feeling even more swimmy now. I definitely need another one.

Oliver sighs, “I don’t know what to say, Cassidy. I don’t know the words that will make you feel better. Because a deep, dark part of me is selfish and I don’t want you to find love with somebody else. But I know that’s not what you need or want to hear so...I’m sorry. I’m sorry you thought you found something, but you didn’t. I’m sorry Elias was kind of an ass,” he says, running another hand through his hair.

“It’s not your fault.”

I’m glad he’s honest with me. I’m glad he’s not forcing himself to say or be something that he isn’t because I know how Oliver is. 

“It just makes me feel like I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. Like somehow being a mom negates me ever finding someone else in my life again. I know how dumb it sounds. I know it’s not likely...but I just thought I found something,” I add on.

Maybe I’m being dramatic. Maybe I just put too much hope in a relationship with Elias, got too excited about finding someone that I was interested in and who seemed to be interested in me.

“You’re not unwanted, Cassidy. You being a mom shouldn’t negate anything about your femininity, and it doesn’t. Some men just don’t want to accept responsibility. Take it from me, a guy who’s been around a lot. In the past, I would’ve had no problem sleeping with a single mom. I probably wouldn’t have wanted to step up and be a stepfather though. That’s because I’m a selfish ass, we both know this. What you need to do is find a guy who isn’t a selfish ass.”

It feels weird, talking to Oliver like this. We’ve never quite spoken about past relationships or his past of being a playboy. It’s never been something I cared to hear about. The very idea of it always made me feel uncomfortable. But I guess all of that is off the table now that Oliver and I are...whatever we are.

“Easier said than done. I guess selfish asses are just my type in men.”

“You should probably do something about that,” Oliver grins over at me like we’re on this level of joking. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I stand up from my chair. “I’m going to go get a refill. You need anything?”

“I think I’m good.”

I step back into the house, stumbling slightly. I’m unsure of how I feel now. I don’t know if talking to Oliver about Elias fixed anything. I don’t know if listening to Oliver tell me that he would’ve done the same thing helped at all.

I guess I can just be thankful that I hadn’t slept with Elias before I learned he wasn’t all that I thought he was.

In the kitchen, I start to mix another drink. I know that this should be my last, but I don’t have any plans of slowing down tonight. I just need this. I need something to make me feel better.

I step back outside, sliding back into my chair. 

“I know that I should focus on being Lucy’s mom, y’know? She’s still young. I can start dating when she’s in school...but I don’t want to ruin the last few good years of my life. I want to still be able to be young. Is that wrong?”

“Cassidy, you have many ‘good’ years left. You’re still young. And it’s not wrong for you to want to date,” he sighs.

I’m kind of starting to feel guilty. I feel like I’m rubbing salt in old wounds for Oliver. I feel like I’m just throwing it in his face that we don’t have a chance for a romantic relationship any longer. But...should I feel guilty about it? He’s the one who’s practically been single for three years, nothing holding him back from doing whatever he wants. How do I know what he has or hasn’t done?

I shouldn’t feel guilty at all.

I take a sip from my drink, using it as an opportunity to dwell on what to say next.

“It definitely feels like it. This feeling just really sucks, Oliver.”

“I’m sorry, Cassidy. You deserve better than you’ve been dealt these past few years.”

He has a far-off look in his eyes, staring at the views on the horizon.

It leaves me wondering. How does he really feel? I know what he says, but I know one can’t take Oliver at face value. What he says isn’t always what he feels. I’ve noticed a change in him lately and I hate to say that I can’t tell whether it’s just a show, or if it’s an actual change.

How does one even ask that?

“How have you been?” I ask, deciding to broach the question lightly. “Have you been okay?”

He sighs again, a deeper one this time. He finishes off what is left in his glass and then places it on the table, not going for an immediate refill.

“Okay’s the best way to describe it. It’s been rough lately, but I can’t complain. Most of this mess is just things that I got involved in by myself. Losing my father just feels weird. It feels like he should be here.” 

Oliver still isn’t making eye contact, staring away from me. I’m racking my brain, trying to figure out what the right thing to say would be. I don’t know what the best way to comfort him is. Before I can say anything, Oliver continues to speak.

“I know that he and I never really saw eye-to-eye, but he was a major form of support in my life. Maybe to a fault. He led me down many wrong roads, but all the choices were still my own. I wish that I had always been strong enough to make my own choices, to do what I thought was right and not fear his response. That’s a lesson I learned a little too late, and it’s my own fault.”

I’m taken aback. Part of me is wondering if I drank way too much and this is a hallucination. I’ve never heard Oliver admit anything like this. A lot of the time, everything has always been his father’s fault. His father was always forcing his hand, he never meant to do ‘x’, ‘y’, or ‘z’. But this is a breakthrough for him.

“I think it’s good to acknowledge that your relationship with him was unhealthy at times,” I say, stealing a glance over at him, “but he is still your father. He still cared and I think that a lot of the time, he truly had your best interest in mind.”

I think a lot of what Alan did was to protect the family name. Alan was always worried about image, keeping the family empire secure. He put that pressure on Oliver for his entire life, that the family empire was the most important thing. It raised a heartless, cold future CEO who struggled with personal relationships a lot more than most people do. 

“I know he did,” Oliver says. “But...I wish that he would have been able to meet Lucy. I know that he would have loved her. I think he always wanted to be a grandfather, and I think that he was excited about it. I know it’s not my place to want to introduce Lucy to anyone but –”

I cut him off.

“Oliver, I would have loved for Alan to be able to meet Lucy. I know that he and I were never on the same page. I definitely wasn’t his biggest fan most days, but I could tell he was excited when he found out it was going to be a girl, so I wish that we could have given him a chance to be a grandfather.”

I don’t believe that Alan would purposely manipulate his own granddaughter, at least not until she was older.

The silence lulls between us again. Oliver refills his glass, continuing to sip from it. By now, I can tell that we’re both really feeling the alcohol flowing through our systems. It’s been a while since I’ve been this close to drunk – and I don’t think that I’ve ever seen Oliver drunk before.

Just before I can take the last sip of my drink, I feel water hit the bare skin of my arms. It starts as a light mist, but as mountain storms typically do, it turns into a complete downpour. Within seconds of feeling the first misting, the storm is pounding raindrops down on us.

I hear Oliver curse as we both rush to get up from our chairs and gather our drinks, while the rain plummets down and we stumble around drunkenly. Oliver gets the patio door open and we get inside, our hair and clothing dripping onto the hardwood floor.

The first thing we do is look at each other and laugh because this feels like a completely ridiculous situation. Oliver sets his glass and bottle down on a table and reaches out, taking my glass from me. He sets it next to his. 

“I should go get us towels,” he says. “And warm clothing. The last thing I want is for you to get sick.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Cassidy,” he says my name in a deep voice, almost close to a growl. It sends a shiver down my spine – one that I know isn’t because of the cold rain dripping off of my skin.

“Fine. You’re right.”

“I know, stay here.” 

With that, he disappears, leaving me standing there, shivering. He returns moments later, multiple towels draped over his arm.

“Try to dry off the best that you can, and we’ll go from there,” he instructs as he dries off his hair. It’s soaked, sticking to his forehead in ways that I’ve never seen before. His thermal is soaked through, sticking to his sculpted frame. 

I have to tear my eyes off of him so I can grab a towel and proceed to dry my own self off. I start with my drenched hair, knowing that any of the previous style that it held is long gone. I then focus on my skin before quickly realizing that it’s a loss. My clothes are soaked, sticking to my skin, and I feel completely uncomfortable.

“Do you have anything I can change into?” I ask, dropping the towel on top of the one he just finished drying himself off with.

“Probably.”

“Well, it’s going to be extremely uncomfortable to drive home wearing wet clothes.”

Oliver’s eyes narrow in my direction, his amusement from the situation vanishing from his face. 

“Cassidy,” his voice is now stern. It’s demanding, once again like nothing I’ve ever heard from him. I don’t know whether it’s the alcohol or his attitude, but I feel a familiar feeling beginning to form in the pit of my stomach.

“Do you really think I’m going to allow you to drive home after drinking as much as you have? Have you seen these backroads? There’s no possible way you’d make it home safe.”

My nose wrinkles and I try to think of what to say in an act of defiance. I try to think of what to say to invalidate his point. The truth is that Oliver is completely right. I feel like I could drive, but the combination of the winding backroads and the storm hitting us would make it close to impossible with the amount I’ve drunk tonight.

Plus, my mom has Lucy for the night. It’ll be fine.

...That also means I’m having a sleepover with my ex.

“Fine,” I grumble. I’m not going to fight him on it when he’s completely right. “I still need something to change into. I’m not wearing cold wet clothes all night.”

“Let’s find you something then,” he gestures with his head to follow him and I have no choice but to.

I walk through the rest of the cabin, completely aware of the water trail I’m leaving behind me. Oliver guides me to his bedroom, surprisingly clean for somebody who’s lived a life filled with butlers and maids to clean up after his every mess.

“I know everything that I have will be too big for you, but it’ll have to work,” he says, opening up a dresser drawer.

He sorts through it for a moment before tossing me one of his white button-up shirts.

“Will this do?”

I take it, turning it over in my hands. I try not to think too much into what this all seems like, or what it could mean. We’re just two friends, two people co-parenting and trying to figure all of this out. That’s it.

“It’ll work,” I say.

“I’ll step out so you can change.”

He leaves me alone just as I realize that he still hasn’t changed out of his wet clothes. I make quick work of discarding my soaked work clothes and sliding into his dress shirt. As predicted, it’s loose...but it’ll work. It fits me more like a dress than a shirt.

I toss my wet clothes into a pile in his room before stepping out, Oliver completely out of sight.

When I find him, he’s in the kitchen – shirtless, making two more drinks for us.

“Figured there’s no point in letting the party stop now,” he grins to me.

I feel like a teenager, finding it nearly impossible to focus. All I can see is him. I’ve always stated that Oliver reminds me of a Greek god. His body is perfectly sculpted. I’ve never questioned his workout routine but I’m sure it has to be something serious.

My cheeks heat up when I think he catches me staring. I shake the thought from my head, tearing my eyes off of him and try to focus on the question.

“You’re right,” I say.

I’m mesmerized. 

I’m pathetic.

In silence, Oliver finishes making our drinks. 

“I’m going to go change,” he says before he vanishes, leaving me alone in the kitchen.

I wonder just how much trouble I’ve gotten myself into.

I’ve lost track of how many drinks we’ve had, although I have a feeling that Oliver has started to make them a little lighter on the tequila. I feel warm, and not just because there’s a fireplace going in front of us. My skin is thoroughly heated. I feel light and loose.

I feel good.

Oliver sits on the opposite end of the couch, now wearing a pair of pajama pants and a black t-shirt. I’m still struggling to take my eyes off of him, but I can tell that I’m not alone. Occasionally, I watch his eyes make their way up the curve of my calf, up to my thigh.

This was a mistake.

The conversation has gone from serious to idle chatter. He tells me about work, about the authors they’ve signed recently, and how they haven’t been able to keep a PR rep since I left.

“Maybe a part of me has wanted to keep the spot open for you, in case you ever wanted your job back, so I make it intentionally hard on them,” he admits, and I know that he wouldn’t say a damn thing if he wasn’t close to drunk.

“I miss it.”

Something I wouldn’t admit without the alcohol in my system. At least, not to Oliver.

“I miss the excitement of the job. Working for Crosby is nice. They treat me well, pay me what I ask but it’s incredibly boring. I fixed the one scandal that they had and now it’s like they’ll never have another.”

“I won ’t ask you to come back to New York. I know what your answer would be, and I don’t want to embarrass myself more than I already have lately. But just know that the job is always yours, whenever and if you ever decide that you want it.”

“That means a lot to me, Oliver.”

I love my hometown. I love the people. I love being close to nature. I love the food and how nothing is ever rushed. But I was just getting used to being in the big city. My mom is here, which makes parenting a hell of a lot easier, but my life was slowly becoming in New York. I miss Noelle and her ever-present ability to make me laugh or feel better about a garbage situation.

Maybe one day...

When the conversation reaches that lull, I stand and decide to go grab another drink. I try to make a mental note that it’ll be the last of the evening, but I don’t think I’ll remember that in a few minutes.

I stumble my way to the kitchen, placing my cup on the counter and making myself another drink. I’m so entranced in the process that I hardly realize that I’m not alone in the kitchen until I see Oliver place his glass down beside mine.

“A refill sounded like a good idea,” he says.

I don’t respond as I finish making my drink. When I go to step around him, something happens. Either Oliver steps back or I stumble forward. Either way, our skin brushes against one another’s. 

Just a small brush sends electric shocks through my body, turning my skin red hot. The feeling stirs something within me that I want nothing more than to suppress. I think Oliver feels it too. We both stop what we’re doing, our eyes meet.

I see it then. The lust in his eyes, the want, the need. I’m sure that my eyes match his.

I try to think nothing of it. It’s the alcohol in our systems. It’s loneliness. 

This was a terrible idea on my part.

In one swift motion, Oliver reaches out and grabs my wrist. Not enough to hurt me, but enough to swing us around. The small of my back is now pressed against the kitchen counter. He pins me against it, one hand on the counter by my side and the other still holding my wrist.

“Oliver,” I say his name, expecting some profound words to follow. Something about how we know we can’t do this. However, nothing comes out.

“Cassidy,” he responds.

Neither of us moves. Our eyes are locked, bodies pressed together. I feel the heat between the two of us rising. I feel the want and the need starting to swirl between the two of us, creating something indescribable. 

“You know that we shouldn’t,” I convince myself to say. Convince me because I want this. I want him. I only say it because it’s the right thing to say.

“Why not?”

He asks it like it’s not an obvious question like there are not years of history and evidence stacked against us that illustrate why exactly this is a bad idea. The frustrating part is that I know he knows why. 

Either he wants me to say it, or neither of us wants to admit it.

I don’t answer.

Oliver leans in closer. I can smell the alcohol on his breath now, I can feel the heat radiating between the two of us. 

My eyes seem to focus on his lips, the same lips that I fantasized about kissing every day for the rest of my life so long again. The same lips that I always longed to kiss during my workday. 

This man is a weakness of mine. There’s no way around it.

“Cassidy,” the way he says my name sends a shiver down my spine. He doesn’t need to ask for my attention, he has it.

“If you don’t want this, tell me ‘no’ and we’ll forget it ever happened. Just tell me ‘no’ and I’ll back off. But if you don’t say anything, I’m just going to assume—”

I cut him off. For what feels like the first time, I’m the one who ends his sentence by crashing our lips together. 

It’s hard to describe what the kiss is like, what the kiss triggers inside of me, or what exactly it means to me. It’s the first real kiss I’ve shared with somebody since I left New York. It’s passionate and warm, but it feels like coming home at the same time. The kiss wraps me in warmth, envelopes me in all the feelings I try to fight back when I’m around Oliver.

His hand lets go of my wrist, coming to wrap around me, pulling me flusher against him. The kiss deepens without hesitation. It’s like once our bodies remembered each other, remembered the feeling of the other, how good it could be at times, the hesitation vanished. Now, it just feels natural.

When the kiss breaks between the two of us, Oliver rests his forehead against mine. No words are exchanged as we breathe each other in. 

His hands come down to my waist, gripping it tightly as he lifts me, sitting me atop the counter. Oliver pushes his way between my thighs and locks my calves together behind him.

There’s nothing else that needs to be said between us. Either we’re going to follow through with it or not, and I think our minds have been made up from the minute we both felt that spark. He kisses me again, deeper this time. I feel myself melt into the kiss, my legs pulling him closer to me until there’s no space between the two of us.

My hands start to wander first, moving to the hem of his t-shirt. They slide underneath, fingertips finally touching skin. They run up the dip of his abs and up to his broad chest, over his shoulders. They dip back down to the hem of his shirt and I tug at it. 

Oliver knows what I want immediately. The kiss breaks, only long enough for him to pull his shirt over his head and drop it onto the floor. 

My hands are back on skin, touching, scratching. I want to get as much of him as possible. It’s been so damn long. He’s always been my weakness.

He leans in, places a kiss right below my ear. He starts to work his way down from there, kissing down the crook of my neck, to the little bit of collarbone exposed by the sag of his dress shirt. 

His hands come up, starting to slowly unbutton the shirt. He does it at a tantalizing pace, not at all the one of someone blinded by lust and passion. Each button he undoes reveals more skin. The more skin that’s revealed, the more he can kiss. He kisses every inch of skin that appears to him, stopping with the final button.

With the shirt unbuttoned, I shrug it off of my shoulders and let it fall onto the counter. We make eye contact again, only for a brief moment before Oliver is reaching behind me and unhooking my bra. It falls onto the floor unceremoniously.

His hands slide down my body, stopping at my thigh. He grips onto the skin firmly, pushing my thighs open even further.

“I have missed you, Cassidy,” he growls, his hand moving to my inner thigh.

My body shivers at the very idea of what will come next. I’m close to shaking in anticipation. I want him so damned badly. Oliver doesn’t tease me; he doesn’t make me wait. A definite change from how slowly he removed my shirt earlier.

With my thighs open, Oliver’s thumb presses against the center of my panties. I lean back on the counter, using my arms to support me. I succumb to him and everything that he is. There’s no fighting it – and right now, I don’t want to.

His thumb rubs small circles, right over my core. It makes me whimper. It’s been far too long. And Oliver is still extremely masterful at what he does. He continues to rub small circles, watching with a slightly amused smile as I squirm on the counter.

When he seems to be done toying with me, his hand leaves my core. I make a noise of annoyance, already missing his touch. He chuckles, reaching up to hook his thumbs underneath the waistband of my panties. He pulls them off, letting them fall to the floor with his long-forgotten shirt.

His hand goes back to my core, making direct contact at this point.  

The minute he touches me, it feels like my body has been lit on fire. Warmth floods over me, more so than it previously had with the alcohol in my system. I arch into his touch, desperate for more. Desperate for him. Oliver’s fingers move skillfully, delicately. It’s like no time has passed since the last time we’ve done this.

I’m thankful for my hands supporting me, keeping me upright on the counter. My hips move to meet his gentle touches. I’m unable to keep silent, letting out soft, content sighs each time he touches me.

He brings me close to the edge but doesn’t allow me to fall over. Instead, I’m kept teetering, ready to lose it all at the slightest of touches from him.

He pulls his hand away completely and I feel like I’m going to lose it. I hate how needy, how desperate this man makes me feel.

Oliver moves quickly to discard his pants and underwear, getting them down around his ankles. Reaching forward, he grabs my hips and pulls me to the edge of the counter. It’s at just the perfect height that he can pull my thighs open again and thrust himself into me.

It’s a moment of completeness. I gasp, reaching out and wrapping my arms around his neck. I hold onto him for dear life, keeping our two bodies close to one another as he thrusts into me. 

There’s a moment when our eyes meet, and I can’t decipher what’s hiding behind his steely gaze. Instead, I lean in and force our lips together. I taste the whiskey still on his lips, I savor it, savor him. He’s like a drug I thought that I could quit. One taste and I feel like I’m hooked all over again.

I feel it building within me, already close to falling over that edge. It’s been so long. He worked me up too damn well. I cry out into his mouth as I fall over the edge, my nails digging into the back of his neck, desperate to keep him close to me.

His thrusts quicken, quick enough for him to follow me down the rabbit hole. He grunts against my lips, his body shivering as he reaches his peak. He doesn’t move away from me immediately. Instead, our lips meet again in another deep kiss. 

We pull away, making eye contact.

I know in the morning I’m going to regret what I’ve done.

Chapter Seventeen

Oliver

When I wake up, Cassidy is next to me in bed. For a minute, I savor it. I think about how badly I miss this, how badly I’ve wanted this for years.

But then memories of the night before start to race back to me.

We were both drunk. We both chose to do what we did. I didn’t take advantage of her, did I?

The problem is, now I don’t know how to approach this. Do we talk about it? Do I wake her up? Let her sleep? I know she has to pick Lucy up from her mom’s house at some point this morning.

I slide out of bed; my clothes are long forgotten in the kitchen last night. I think. I try to stay quiet as I rummage through my drawers, finding something else to throw on for now. I hear a soft groan come from the bed, whipping around I realize that my attempt at silence wasn’t good enough. 

Cassidy is lying on her back, using the back of her hand to block the sun from her eyes. She looks at me, getting dressed in the middle of the bedroom floor, and I see realization dawn over her. The same realization that I was faced with when I woke up this morning.

“No,” is all she says for a moment. Cassidy sits up in bed, running a hand through her bed hair, “We...we didn’t.”

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I don’t know what the right words are. I swallow, looking at her.

“We did. I...it was mutual, right?” 

Now, I’m panicking. What if she thinks I took advantage of her? She was emotional last night. She was drinking. She’s going through a lot. 

Cassidy doesn’t reply for a minute, sending my panicked thoughts into overdrive. She grabs the sheet off the bed and wraps it around her nude body, keeping it tightly around her.

“Where are my clothes?” she asks. 

I gesture towards a chair in the corner of the room.

“I was going to throw them in the dryer for you. They’re still damp.”

She shakes her head, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it. I’ll just drive home and change before going to get Lucy. I need to shower anyway.”

“Cassidy, it’ll be just a few minutes. I can whip us up some coffee while we wait and –”

She cuts me off.

“No. We don’t need to spend another minute alone together, because clearly, we can’t.”

“Cassidy, last night was mutual, right?” I ask again because I need to know. I need to get rid of the nagging, paranoid voice in the back of my head who’s currently freaking out over what took place between us.

“Yes!” she says, exasperated. “It was mutual, Oliver, but it was a mistake,”

Mistake. 

I know that she’s right, at least to her. I know that she wants nothing to do with me, or us. I know that she no longer cares about repairing our relationship. It still stings though. I feel like this karma, coming around and biting me in the ass. How many girls have I slept with in the past, only to run out on them in the morning?

I can’t fight her on it. If this is how Cassidy feels, I’m not going to change her mind.

I finish getting dressed, swallowing back my pride.

“Alright. I’ll let you get dressed. I’ll be out here if you need anything.”

With that, I step out of the bedroom and close the door behind me. I don’t know what drunk Oliver was thinking, but it was really damn stupid. He may have messed everything up. I feel like I’ll never get another shot to prove to her that I’m better than I used to be. I feel like last night just proved to her that I’m the same.

Cassidy leaves with a quiet ‘goodbye’ and I’m left alone with my thoughts. Full of memories and regrets and not a clue where to go from here. 

I don’t know if I made a huge mess of things or not. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix what happened last night. I wish that she would have given me a second to talk, to try to smooth things over. But a conversation was the last thing Cassidy wanted. 

I make the decision to give her space, time to sort through her own thoughts. I realize that if I feel this confused, this freaked out, she has to feel double that. I’ll give her as much room as she needs.

“Oliver.”

An annoyed voice echoes from the other end of the phone. I’m sitting on the living room couch, half-trying to pay attention to this work call, half still wishing Cassidy would text me.

It’s been four days.

I’m beginning to worry, meaning I’m becoming preoccupied with the very thought of hearing from her. I can’t keep waiting to hear from her. I feel like I need to reach out and check on things, but I don’t even know what to say. Once again, I’m left in a position where I don’t know how to fix things.

“I’m still here,” I say quickly, trying to reassure Drew Gardner that I’m listening.

Drew is the ‘fixer’ that I hired. He’s the man who’s supposed to point out all of the problems with Windsor Publishing and work with our interim CEO until I get back to move towards fixing it. I’m not expecting a miracle, but I’m expecting improvement.

“What are we going to do about Jack? I know you’re on a trip to find yourself or whatever your reasoning is, but this is still your company.” 

Drew sounds exhausted. I’m unsure if it’s the lack-of-sleep type, or if it’s because this job has him on the verge of going insane. 

He called me to talk about Jack, the interim CEO. Jack has been with the company longer than I’ve been alive, a close friend of my father’s. Jack has always had a cushy, executive job at Windsor, so he felt like the natural choice when I needed someone to step in.

Drew is telling me that Jack is floundering in his new position. He refuses to make the changes that Drew requests because Alan ran things a certain way for years and it was all fine. He doesn’t see a point in changing them now. Evidently, they’ve been going back and forth on it for a few days and nothing is budging.

Yet, all I can think about is Cassidy.

“I don’t know, Drew. Jack has been with the company for years, he’s a loyal employee. He’s just old and stuck in his ways. It’ll take time for things to change.”

I hear Drew sigh on the other end.

“This is the type of thing that can ruin companies, Oliver. If the employees don’t want to move forward, it keeps the company in the past. It makes it easier for other companies to overtake them.”

“So, what options do I have? Am I supposed to call Jack and yell at him? Fire him?”

“It’s been a little over a month, Oliver. It’s none of my business, but I think it’s time that you come back and start leading your company.”

He’s right. I thought that I would be able to make the changes that I needed to during this time. I would be able to fix or at least mend my relationship with Cassidy. Instead, I think I further damaged it. 

I’m not ready to leave though. I want to spend more time with Lucy. I want to keep trying to fix things with Cassidy. Returning to New York is like admitting defeat. I’m not ready to be defeated.

Before I can respond, my phone buzzes in my hand. Looking down, I see Cassidy’s name pop up on my screen. I’m almost ashamed to admit how excited I get just from seeing her name. It’s been four days of unknowing, four days of waiting for her to assure me that she doesn’t hate me.

“Give me a second, Drew,” I say. I hear him sigh on the other end, but I think nothing of it as I open the text message.

It’s a lengthy one. My heart drops as I read it.

It’s not what I wanted to hear.

‘Oliver, I keep thinking about the other night and I keep coming to the same conclusion. As long as we’re around one another, we can’t pretend like we’re just friends or co-parents or whatever. We’ll fall into the same loop over and over again. I can’t let that happen. 

You’ve been great with Lucy, she adores you. This is nothing about you, this is all about me. I think we need some time apart again. I’m open to allowing you to be a part of Lucy’s life, but I need to think of how to move forward without falling into that loop. I thought I was over you, and I’m not. 

I hope you understand what I’m trying to tell you. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. I’m sorry things keep ending up like this for us. I just need time before I can figure out how we should proceed.’

I read her text over and over again, trying to process each and every sentence. She’s not over me? Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that a sign that I’m not the horrible person that I used to be or the horrible person that she keeps making me out to be in her head? Isn’t that a sign that we should fall back together?

I don’t get it. I knew coming down here there was a chance that I wouldn’t fix anything. I was accepting of that, but I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting her to basically tell me that she likes me too much.

I’m not ready to go back without spending more time with Lucy. I know that Cassidy will stay true to her word and give me a chance to be in Lucy’s life. I know that eventually, we’ll figure out this co-parenting thing if I can keep continuing to change and show her that I’m not who I used to be.

I guess I just have to respect her decision. That’s the only way to prove to her that I’ve changed. Old Oliver would storm over to her house, demand that we work something else out. That’s not who I am anymore...despite how tempting it is.

“Sorry about that, Drew. I was looking over some information I just received.” It’s not a straight-up lie, just not the entirety of the truth. 

“That’s fine. Like I was saying Oliver, we need to get you back to run things. Windsor is your company and it’ll look a hell of a lot better if you’re running it.”

I swallow, letting my full attention turn back to Drew. I try to let the text with Cassidy melt off my shoulders, something to focus on later.

“You’re right, Drew. I’ll arrange a flight back. How does this weekend sound? That way I can be back in the office by Monday morning and we can work together to make the changes necessary. Does that work?”

I hear another sigh from Drew on the other end of the phone. This time, I have a feeling that it’s a sigh of relief. 

“That would be amazing, Oliver. Thank you.” 

“It’s my company, right? I have to be the one who fixes it.”

It feels like it’s the only thing in my life that I can fix.

Chapter Eighteen

Cassidy

What happened between Oliver and I the other night has been playing on my mind since I left his cabin. I can’t stop thinking about everything that led up to that. Was it because I was so upset about the Elias thing? Maybe it was because I was desperate for a crumb of attention. Or maybe it’s because I’m just not over him.

Being around Oliver only worked to stir up my feelings for him again. I’ve never fully been able to get over him. I’ve never had closure with our relationship. 

But seeking out closure would be nothing but another problem. The last time I sought out closure from him, I found myself falling back into him pretty damned quickly. It’s like as long as we’re near each other, I can’t control myself. I’m drawn to him and I know that it’s going to be the death of me.

I have to figure out how to take time and be able to co-parent Lucy with him. She likes him. He adores her. I can’t keep her from him if he wants to be in her life. I know that that means having a difficult conversation with her, but I also know that that means I need to figure out how to co-exist with Oliver without being with him.

It’s far too dangerous.

He’s never replied to the text I sent about how distance would be the best option for us. I’m sure he’s pissed, I know that I would be in his shoes. 

It’s just another weeknight. I’ve picked Lucy up from my mom’s house and I’ve cooked a quick dinner for the two of us. It’s after dinner and she’s playing with her toys on the floor, waiting for me to tell her it’s bath time.

When I picked her up, my mom grilled me about Oliver. She told me that Lucy keeps talking about him and how she wants to have another playdate with him, and she asked if I told her anything about Oliver being her father. She asked how the whole thing with Oliver was going, and I couldn’t look in her eyes and tell her the truth.

I couldn’t tell her that she was right all along, that everything she thought would happen, happened.

After I let Lucy play a bit, I get her into the bath and then tuck her in. Instead of going straight to bed, I grab my phone and call Noelle. We stay in near-constant contact, but phone calls are rare. We can rarely fit in time. I just pray that she answers.

It rings on the other end, once, twice, and then I hear her voice.

“What did he do? I’ve been waiting for this call. Wait. Before you start, give me a second and let me grab some wine.”

It’s hard to focus on my struggles when Noelle is immediately on. I stifle a laugh as I walk out to my living room. I take a seat in the recliner, tucking my legs underneath myself.

“I’m waiting,” I say, hoping to convey a playful annoyance in my tone.

“Okay, okay. Wine is got. So, what did he do? He’s been gone a while and Jack said that he’s coming home tomorrow so I’m assuming he fucked it all up somehow.”

“I wouldn’t say that he fucked it up. I’d say that we fucked it up. So.....”

I don’t get a chance to finish the story, Noelle interrupts me.

“You two slept together, didn’t you?” she asks with a small sigh.

“Damn, you’re good.”

“I knew it was only a matter of time. So, let me guess the rest of the story. You two slept together and now neither of you know where to go from here. So, you’re pushing him away instead of confronting your emotions.”

“I’ve confronted my emotions, Noelle. I have feelings for Oliver, that’s never changed. But I can’t be with him. I know exactly how that’ll end up because it’ll end up the same way it does every time. I’ve fallen into this loop with him again and again. If I let the same man break me three times in a row? I’m a damned fool. That’s not what I want to teach Lucy.”

She sighs on the other end, “Yeah, having a kid makes it complicated. So, the whole time he’s been down there, has he shown any signs of change? Any signs that he’s not the same Oliver he was before?”

The truth is, yes. I can see a difference in him. But I don’t know if that difference will last. I don’t know if he’s just different because of Alan’s death or because of Lucy. I don’t know if either of these things will have a long-lasting effect on him. 

“I don’t know, Noelle. He seems different, but how do I know that it’s a difference that’s there to stay? How do I willingly put myself out there to get hurt by him again? I feel like I would look like a damn fool. I’m not ready for that.” 

“It’s a choice you gotta make, Cassidy. Are you willing to risk letting him hurt you again?”

“I don’t want to get hurt again. And this time, he wouldn’t only be hurting me, he’d be hurting Lucy. I don’t want to put my daughter in a position where she’ll get her heart broken by her father. I don’t want to introduce her to heartbreak so early.” 

She sighs on the other end, “I get it. I know that you can’t only think about yourself now. You have to think of Lucy. The truth is, I can’t tell you what to do, Cassidy. You’re the parent, you’re the one who has to make choices with Lucy and your best interests at heart, and I know that you will.”

Listening to Noelle, I realize what I have to do. I have to let Oliver walk away. I have to move on with my life. I’m too scared of how this will end up for Lucy and myself. I don’t want her first heartbreak to be her father. Knowing Oliver, that’s exactly how it’ll end up. He’s burnt me too many times for me to trust him.

I have to bury my feelings for him again, once again focus on moving on. I so badly wish that things were different, I wish that I could trust Oliver like I want to. But I can’t. The bad blood between us runs too deep.

“You’re right,” I sigh into the phone. I reposition myself in the chair, resting my hand on the back of the recliner. “I just wish that things were different. I wish I could let him in and we could live happily ever after. But I know with Oliver there will never be a happily ever after. I can’t let myself fall into that.”

“Well, I guess that tells you your answer, Cassidy. If you really believe that you’ll never find a happily ever after with Oliver, you need to let it go. Give yourself time to move on while accepting that you’re going to have to co-parent with him. Maybe get some therapy.”

“I don’t think I need therapy, Noelle.”

“It could help,” she says in a singsong.

“I’ll think about it.” 

I won’t. We both know that I won’t. It’s not like I could walk into a therapist’s office and tell them of all the hell I’ve been through with Oliver. Some of the things that I know the therapist would have to report. I won’t let him get in trouble for these things.

“Look, I love you and I miss you, Cassidy. You’re still my best friend. You need to work out this co-parenting thing with Oliver so you can come to New York and see me, okay? Do it for me. And you and Lucy, but also for me.”

Despite my current mood, I find myself laughing. Noelle has always had that quality about her. She’s always been able to make me laugh, even when I feel like my entire life is falling apart.

“Alright, alright. I’ll do it for you, Noelle. Just for you.”

“Thank you, I really appreciate it.”

“I should probably go to bed. I have to work in the morning,”

“Alright. Let me know if there are any updates with the Oliver situation, deal?”

“Always,” I promise.

With that, I hang up the phone and retreat to my bedroom. My mind is made up, I know that I made the right choice by saying that we need to distance ourselves from one another. Talking to Noelle only made me realize that more. Oliver and I just can’t co-exist.

It’s Friday after work. I pull into my mom’s driveway, ready to pick up Lucy and get on with our weekend. I finally received a response to the text that I sent to Oliver a few days ago.

‘I leave at 8 pm on Saturday. Let me know if I can see Lucy one last time before I leave.’

I know that I should let him. God knows how long it’ll be before they get to see one another again, but I can’t bring myself to respond. Oliver seeing Lucy means that I’ll be seeing Oliver. I know that if I see Oliver again, I’ll have to face all those mixed feelings when I see him walk away from me again.

I’ll have to go through losing him all over again. I don’t think I’m ready for that. It makes moving on ridiculously hard.

I get to the front door before I can knock, my mom opens it.

“You look exhausted,” she says.

“Hey, good to see you too, mom. I didn’t just spend the entire day at work or anything.”

“It looks beyond work tired, Cassidy. What’s really going on?”

“Nothing. Where’s my daughter?”

“Playing. Cassidy, talk to me.”

“Oliver’s leaving tomorrow. And I know that he needs to, but it’s hard to watch him walk away from us again. It feels like we’re being abandoned all over again by him.”

It’s not the whole truth. I feel a lot of things. A mix of emotions all because of this man. I feel like letting go is a mistake, but I also know that I can’t cling to him.

“Why don’t you take a night to yourself? You look like you need it.”

I’ve never left Lucy at mom’s this frequently, especially overnight. It’s just never been something that I’ve done. I’ve tried to be with her every night.

“I can’t, mom. She’s going to start feeling abandoned if I keep leaving her to spend time on my own. You never left me alone to have nights to yourself.”

“If I could have, I would have. I didn’t have anyone to help me out, Cassidy. You do. Take it, Lucy doesn’t mind. I think she likes sleepovers because she gets to do something different. I usually spoil her, so she doesn’t notice much.”

I sigh. A night to myself sounds nice, but I also feel guilty doing so. I feel like I need to be there for Lucy, but can I really be there for her if I’m an emotional wreck? Maybe a night to myself, a night of grieving for what could’ve been or what I wish it could be would do me some good. 

“Fine,” I give in. It doesn’t take much, “Lucy can stay with you tonight, but this will be the last night for a while.”

“That’s fine, Cassidy. Whatever you feel most comfortable with, alright?”

I hug her before I turn around and get back into my car. I pull out of her driveway and start the drive home.

Chapter Nineteen

Oliver

Cassidy didn’t respond to my text. I know she wants to create some distance between the two of us and I’m trying to make my peace with that, I’m trying to accept that this trip isn’t going to wind up how I wished for it too, but I want to see Lucy one last time.

I don’t know how long of a break she’s going to want to take before we can move forward with co-parenting. That’s been my focus since the beginning, being in my daughter’s life, making up for lost time. I got sidetracked by my feelings for Cassidy, but ultimately Lucy is the most important.

I leave tomorrow. All I want is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. Maybe I’m being an asshole, but I’m tired of waiting for her to give me an answer. So, I make the decision to just go see her. If I’m not trying to fix things with Cassidy, does it matter if I mess it all up even more? Who really cares?

I drive over to her house, worrying the entire time. How is this going to go? Am I making one hell of a mistake?

I pull into the driveway and Cassidy’s car isn’t there. I should turn around and leave. I should chalk this all up to a mistake, but I can’t. 

Just as I go to pull out of the driveway, Cassidy’s car pulls up beside mine. She looks over and sees me and I see her face change. It’s unreadable and I hate it. Is that how she feels handling me all the time? 

She gets out of the car.

I open my car door and brace myself for a verbal barrage. I expect a lecture about boundaries, something I know I need to work harder to follow. I expect a lot of things, but instead, Cassidy just walks right by me, towards the front door.

She clearly wants nothing to do with me or this conversation, but I’m not prepared to just let her walk away. This could be the last chance I see her for God knows how long.

That’s when it hits me. This is supposed to be about Lucy, but Lucy isn’t with her. She’s walking alone and my urge to talk to her is stronger than ever. As much as I want to say that this is all about our daughter, it’s not. It’s about us too. My emotions get the better of me. I get out of the car, standing by the door.

“Cassidy!” I call out her name, but she doesn’t respond to me. She continues to walk away.

Maybe I should let her go. Maybe I should let all of this go, but I can’t. I’ve never been the type of person who can let something go when I haven’t been able to speak my piece. Especially not when it involves something, I feel this strongly about...or someone I feel so strongly for.

“Cassidy!” I call her name out again.

I’m not sure what I’m expecting, since she ignored me the first time. But this time, she turns around. The expression on her face is something I haven’t seen from her before. It’s wild, infuriated. Emotions are jumbled together, leaving me speechless.

“What Oliver?” She finally snaps. She stops walking, hands hanging at her side. “What do you possibly want now?”

“I’m leaving to go back to New York tomorrow, but I can’t do that without talking to you first.”

“We have nothing left to talk about Oliver.”

“Do we not? Because the other night—”

“It was a mistake. It was a mistake because I was feeling sad and broken and you were there. I used you, which might be a new experience for you given how you’re usually the one who uses people.”

Cassidy speaks with venom, pain. 

I try not to take offense to what she’s saying.

“Cassidy, you know that I never used you. I never used you for an alibi or an excuse. I never used you because I fell in love with you. I need you to understand that.”

“How do I know?” she asks, “You’ve never made me feel anything but used. You pile on excuses for your behavior and I’m just left accepting it. Enough is enough, Oliver. Go back to New York. Go back to pretending like this part of your life doesn’t exist.”

I take a step forward. There’s still a good bit of distance between the two of us, I don’t want to overcrowd her, especially right now. 

“That’s the point, Cassidy. I don’t want to go back to how things were before. I was living like a fool. You know how I feel about you, how I feel about Lucy. The two of you are my family, whether you like it or not. I don’t want to pretend like the two of you don’t exist.”

“Oliver, stop. Stop saying what you think I want to hear,” she lifts a hand, wiping at her cheeks.

It’s hard to see in the dark but I think that she’s crying. Seeing Cassidy cry makes me feel even worse. I know that she’s not a big crier. It takes something special to make her cry, to break her down so low.

It’s hard to know that I’m the reason she’s crying; I’m the one who broke her down like this.

“I’m not, Cassidy. I’m not just trying to earn your affection back with pretty words. Haven’t you noticed that I’ve been nothing but open and honest with you these last few weeks? I’ve admitted mistakes, I’ve apologized, I’ve tried to prove to you that I’m not the bad guy that I was. Because I was a piece of shit, Cassidy. I left you alone when I shouldn’t have. I let shame and pride get in the way of our relationship, in me being involved with our child. I left you alone to do that and I’m so damn sorry.”

She’s crying harder now. I can hear it through the dim-lighting. I can see her wiping at her cheeks, hear quiet sobs. My heart is breaking. I want to go to her and wrap my arms around her. I want to bring her comfort, but how am I supposed to do that when I’m the one causing her pain?

When she speaks, it’s clear that Cassidy is trying to hide that she’s at her breaking point. It breaks me even more.

“I was so confused. I couldn’t help but wonder what did I do? Did I mess everything up by listening to you? Did you play me like a fool? Because I loved you so much, so hard, Oliver. I would’ve done anything for you, anything to keep our family together. You broke me and I was left wondering why.”

“I know, Cassidy. I know that I did that. As I said, I did something really shitty. You have to believe that I regret that and if you don’t, I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I do. Whether you decide to never speak to me again after tonight or –”

She cuts me off, “That’s the problem. I don’t want to never speak to you again. I want...I want you,” she admits it in the smallest voice, sounding weak, defeated. Like the demons that she’s been battling have won.

“If you want me, you can have me, Cassidy. I’m standing right here in front of you, letting you make all of the choices. I’ve done nothing but follow your lead this entire time and I still plan on doing so. Cassidy, if you want me, you have me. You’ve had me for years now.”

I see her slowly shake her head,

“That’s the thing, Oliver. I can’t...I can’t keep doing this. I know that if I wanted it, we’d be together, but I’m sure something in a few months from now would pull us apart again. We go around and around in a circle of being together and being apart. That’s not healthy...that’s not good. For you, or me...or for Lucy.”

“That’s the past Cassidy and maybe it’s hard to believe it, but I swear that nothing will pull us apart again. I was young and dumb back then. I would listen to those around me and allow them to make decisions for me. I didn’t know how to handle everything thrown at me and that affected you. You did nothing wrong, it was all on me. You’ve given me too many chances and I know that I’ve ruined all of them.”

“Oliver,” she sighs, “I don’t know if it’s possible to fix all of this between us.”

“Then we work on it, Cassidy. I’m not saying we should run off and get married tomorrow. I’m saying we give it a final chance. You let me continue proving to you every single day that I’m better than I was.”

“I don’t want to watch it crash and burn again. I don’t want to fall and get hurt. Don’t you get it? There’s more at stake now than just me, just us. I don’t want Lucy to watch me fall apart like I’ve done so many times because of you.”

Another stab in the gut, but I can’t argue. I’ve screwed everything up time and time again, breaking Cassidy and our relationship.

“I know, and you won’t. I swear we will take it slow. I can stay a few more weeks, we can see if it’s even possible for us to take this final jump. If not, I promise I’ll go back to New York and I won’t bother you again, at least not with feelings and second chances.”

“Don’t you get it, Oliver? I can’t trust you. I can’t trust a damn thing that you say because you’ve proven to me time and time again that you don’t mean a word that you say. Sure, you’ve been great these past few weeks, but I doubt that going forward you’re going to stay true to anything you say.”

“Cassidy –”

She cuts me off.

“No, because I can’t do it again, Oliver! I can’t! I can’t stand by and let you break my heart all over again. I’m so damn tired of crying because of you. I’m tired of having to look at your face every time you let me down. I’m tired of still caring about you when you clearly don’t care as much about me. I’m tired of loving you, Oliver. I’m just really, really tired.”

Right in front of me, Cassidy breaks. She stops fighting back the tears, letting them fall, sobs echoing in the darkness around us. Her knees buckle and before I can think about what I’m doing, I move forward.

I wrap my arms around her, keeping her from falling to the ground. Instead, I lower the two of us, keeping Cassidy wrapped tightly in my arms. At first, she’s stiff to my touch, not wanting me to hold her. But quickly, her body relaxes. Her face is buried in my shoulder, crying. I can feel the tears leaking through the fabric of my shirt.

I feel my own heart breaking. The realization of what I’ve done to her fully dawning on me. When I first met Cassidy, I would never imagine her breaking down like this. She’s always seemed strong, able to take whatever’s been thrown at her. Did I really push her to her breaking point? Did I really break the woman that I love?

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know the right words to make it all go away. All I can do is hold her, keep her close to me. I rock her as we kneel on the cool ground, hoping to provide her some sense of comfort. I’m probably the last person who should be comforting her. I’m the one who broke her.

“Cassidy, you’re the strongest person I know,” I finally say, speaking into her hair. “You’ve dealt with my shit more than anybody else ever would or should. That says a lot about you and a lot about me. You’re doing an incredible job raising Lucy. She’s amazing and I know you’re going to continue doing amazing. I know that you’re tired. There’s so much on your plate, no thanks to me.”

I’ve never really been faced with the consequences of my actions before. I’ve done dumb shit my whole life. I’ve treated people like garbage, I’ve broken hearts without caring how the other person would feel. I don’t think it’s because I just don’t care about others, I think it’s because I’ve never had to face the consequences of my actions. I could just walk away, never see the other person again. And it would all be okay.

Now, I’m looking straight at what I’ve done to somebody. It really dawns on me who I am, who I’ve been as a person. Even to somebody that I loved, love. I keep trying to downplay what I’ve done, chalking it all up to how I felt. I was ashamed. My ego had been wounded. I was scared.

But Cassidy didn’t get an opportunity to escape. Every day for the last three years she has had to deal with all of this by herself. She has had to be there for all of it, unable to escape it. She had to face it every day.

For what isn’t the first time, I realize how much better of a person she is than I am.

As she still sobs into my chest, I hold her tightly. I say the last thing that I can think of to say.

“I’m sorry, Cassidy.”

I know that I’ve apologized before, but this is different. It’s never really hit me how much I’ve messed things up. I’ve always been sorry, I’ve always meant it. I just never realized how much she needed it.

Then, I let the silence wash over us. We stay on the ground, my arms wrapped around her, rocking her back and forth in an act of comfort as she cries. I whisper into her hair, trying to hush her, trying to offer her some form of comfort.

I don’t know how much time has passed between the two of us when Cassidy finally pulls away from me. I can see her swollen, puffy eyes in the darkness. Mascara runs down her cheek, which smears even more when she tries to wipe at it.

“I’m sorry,” she finally speaks, her voice hoarse from her crying, “I shouldn’t have broken down like that.” She moves to get out of my arms, and I force myself to let her.

As much as I want to keep holding her, I know that I can’t. 

She’s not mine. I can’t keep her with me, despite how badly I want to. I’ve done nothing but speak from the heart tonight. That’s all I can do.

“Don’t apologize, Cassidy. Please don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong.” 

She nods, wipes at her knees to clean some of the dirt off.

“I should get inside. I have to pick Lucy up early tomorrow morning and –”

“Why don’t you let me do it? I leave tomorrow afternoon. I’d like to spend some more time with her. You can sleep in or have the morning to yourself. Whatever you want to do.”

Cassidy looks at me, eyebrows knitted together before finally nodding.

“Okay. I’ll text my mom tonight and let her know that you’re going to pick Lucy up in the morning.”

“Alright. Sounds good. Let me know if you need anything, alright? I’ll do what I can before I head back to New York.”

Everything inside of me wants to stay. Everything inside of me wants Cassidy to ask me to stay, to not go back to New York. I want the fantasy of us becoming a family to come true. I want to continue trying to earn my way back into her heart. I want to continue proving to her that I’m a better man.

But it really dawns on me that I’ve lost this chance. I waited too long, made too many mistakes. My heart breaks. I feel awful. But now...now I just have to be here for Cassidy. I have to move on with my life while continuing to be the co-parenting partner that she’s always wished I could have been.

“Alright. Have a good night, Oliver.”

Here’s the part where I expect something else to happen. I expect the distance between the two of us to close. I expect our arms to find each other, our lips to crash together. I expect this to lead to a happy ending...but none of that happens.

I offer a sad smile, nodding.

“Good night, Cassidy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With nothing left to be said between the two of us, I get back into my car and drive back to my cabin, cursing myself the entire drive.

When I wake up the next morning, I feel awful. I hardly slept, tossing and turning all night. I couldn’t stop thinking about Cassidy, about the mess that I made. I wonder if my showing up made it worse for her. I wonder if all of this has been a mistake.

I feel like a half-asleep creature as I stumble out of bed, shower, and get dressed for the day. When I get back from picking up with Lucy, I have to focus on packing everything up. I’ll be leaving tonight, I don’t know if I’ll ever be coming back. Not because I want to stay away, but because I know that Cassidy likely wants me to.

I leave the cabin and drive to Diana’s house to pick up Lucy. The entire time, I feel a cold sweat coming over me. Dealing with Cassidy is one thing but dealing with her mother is another. Her mother has never liked me and if we’re being honest, Diana has always scared me to death. This woman puts the fear of God in me.

I pull into her driveway and take a shaky breath. I hope that Cassidy told her that I was picking Lucy up, otherwise I think Diana will slam the door in my face.

I get to the front door and before I can lift my hand to knock on it, Diana opens the door. She looks at me, her face hard. It’s still like looking at an older version of Cassidy. The same features, the same eyes that radiate anger when they’re upset.

I swallow, “Good morning, Diana.”

“Oliver,”

“I’m here to – “

“Pick up Lucy, Cassidy told me last night. You can come in while I wait for her to gather her things.”

I’m utterly uncomfortable as I step into Diana’s house. I look around, the décor is exactly what you expect from an older southern woman. Lots of flowers and barnyard rustic décor. Pictures line the walls, and I come to realize that most of them are of a younger Cassidy. 

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of young Cassidy. Unable to stop myself, I step forward to take it in. The younger version of her looks so much like the one that I love now, except, well, young. I’m not used to the idea of family photos. They’re a rarity in my house, father always thought they were ridiculous.

Diana clears her throat, demanding my attention.

“Cassidy said that you’re flying back out to New York later today?”

I step further into the house, coming to stand by Diana’s side in what I assume is the entrance to the living room. 

“I am,” is all I say.

She doesn’t look at me, arms crossed over her chest.

“Good, you being down here has been rough for Cassidy. I can’t imagine what you were thinking would happen.”

I open my mouth to say something, but I’m at a loss for words. I don’t want to get into a verbal sparring match with the grandmother of my child and the mother of the woman that I love. I know that I deserve her quips. She has to be just as angry with me as Cassidy is.

“I understand,” is all I say, trying not to make eye contact.

I’m trying to keep my sentences short and to the point, trying not to give her any further ammo towards me.

“I know that Cassidy would never say it to your face, but she’s been struggling. She wants to let you be in Lucy’s life, for Lucy’s sake, but it also hurts her to be around you. She loved you so damn much, Oliver. She would have done anything you asked her to. Now, she just feels like a fool for ever listening to you.”

I guess I have to say more than a few words. If I just hum in agreement and nod, Diana’s going to develop an even worse opinion about me. 

“I know that I messed up, Diana. I know that I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to change what I’ve done, and I know that there isn’t a way to change that. I can just try to make it right. That’s what I’ve been trying to do since I came back down here. I just hope Cassidy sees that I’m trying to change. I’ll keep trying to prove it to her.”

Diana sighs.

“I don’t want to see my daughter, or my granddaughter hurt, Oliver. I know that you’re trying to change, but you need to think about what’s best for them. Are you sure being around is the best for both of them? Or is it just the best for you?”

Before I can answer, I hear a sound that always makes me feel better. It makes my heart feel full and a smile spread over my face, Lucy rounds the corner into the living room and squeals my name, mixing up the ‘v’ with a ‘b’ like always.

“Hey, Lucy,” I grin, squatting down so I’m at her level.

She races across the living room, her bag long forgotten. She wraps her arms around me, and I hug her back. I hug her a little tighter than usual, knowing that it could be the last time that I ever see her. I only hope that it isn’t.

When she lets go of me, I stand back up.

“You want to go get doughnuts before I take you to see your mama?”

She nods eagerly, racing back over to get her bag. This time, I follow after her. I take her bag and toss it over my shoulder before reaching down and scooping Lucy into my arms. 

Diana is watching me the entire time, as I walk past her to the front door, she says what I believe to be the nicest thing she’s ever said to me.

“I’m going to trust you to do right by both of them, Oliver. I’m not going to tell you what to say or do, but I’m going to trust you with them.”

“I promise that I’ll never hurt them again, Diana,” I say, and I swear that I’ll never break that promise.

Lucy sits in the backseat in a car seat that Diana let me borrow as long as I promised to give it back to Cassidy when I got there. We’re sitting in the parking lot of one of the local bakeries, having just got a half dozen doughnuts to share between ourselves. I don’t plan on giving her more than one, but it’s nice in theory.

“Oliver,” Lucy says my name after taking a big bite from her doughnut, “we go to the petting zoo again soon?”

I want nothing more than to be able to take her to the petting zoo again. Maybe just the two of us. I’d buy her as much food to feed the animals as she wanted. We could spend the entire day there. But what if the next time I get a chance to see her Lucy doesn’t like petting zoos anymore?

“Hopefully soon,” I say, turning around to look at her in the backseat, “but I have to go back home tonight, Lucy.”

Her nose wrinkles, “We go another time then.”

I realize that Lucy thinks that my home is the cabin that I’ve been staying at. Why would she think anything different? It’s all that she knows. 

“Lucy, my real home is far away from here. I’ve just been visiting for a bit, but now I have to leave,” I tell her, hoping that she understands what I’m trying to say.

Her nose wrinkles again, even more, this time.

“When will you come back?”

I don’t want to lie to her. Lucy has only known lies when it comes to me. I’ve never been in her life. I’ve never been around to be the father that she deserves. This whole trip has been full of lies. 

Honestly, I’m tired of the lies.

This is the one thing I choose to answer honestly.

“I don’t know. It might be a long time.”

She’s silent. She’s no longer munching on the pink sprinkled doughnut she picked out. It’s dropped to her lap and she’s looking down.

“I don’t want you to leave. I like you, Oliver.”

My heart breaks. I feel it shatter in my chest. I want to tell her that I don’t want to leave. I want to tell her that I’ll do anything to be able to stay with her, but I don’t because I can’t. This isn’t Lucy’s problem. This is between Cassidy and me. 

“I know, sweetheart. I like you too. I promise that no matter what, I’ll come back, okay? I’ll come see you again,” I promise, once again.

It’s another promise that I swear that I’ll never break.

The conversation between Lucy and myself fades away from such a serious topic. Instead, I listen to her talk about a movie she watched last night with her grandmother about a pink frog. Evidently, it’s her new favorite. 

I make a mental note of that.

Once she’s done with her doughnut, we drive back to her mother’s house. I feel anxious at the very thought of seeing Cassidy again, especially after last night. I swallow that anxiety, walking with Lucy to the front door. Her car seat is in one hand and her bag is over my shoulder. 

I knock on the door, Cassidy answering almost immediately. She’s still in her pajamas, her hair thrown up on top of her head. 

“Mama!” Lucy lets go of my hand to wrap her arms around Cassidy’s waist.

Cassidy leans down and hugs her. I notice that her eyes are puffy. Either she’s been crying, or she slept just as poorly as I did. I don’t want it to be either. I’m tired of all the emotional turmoil between the two of us. 

“Hey baby,” she says warmly, pressing a kiss to Lucy’s forehead. “Did you have a good time with your grandmother?”

“Yeah! And Oliver bought doughnuts this morning.”

Cassidy looks up at me and I offer a sheepish smile.

“I hope that’s okay?”

“It’s fine,” she says. She doesn’t seem that upset by it, so I take it as it is fine.

Lucy goes into the house and Cassidy takes the car seat and the bag from me. It leaves the two of us just staring at one another. I know that we said everything we had to say last night. I know that for sure this time that there’s nothing for us to say to one another. 

There’s no fixing it between the two of us. I’ve tried. Cassidy isn’t going to budge on it. Her mind is made up and I have to respect it.

“I should get going. I have to clean up the cabin and pack things up,” I say, taking a step away from the door.

Cassidy nods, “Right. Have a safe trip home, Oliver.”

“Take care, Cassidy.”

I steal one last look at her, at the house with Lucy inside. I give myself one last moment to hope and wish for what could be. I have to accept that it’s not going to happen. I have to accept that all it is is a dream that will never come true.

I get back in my car and drive away

Chapter Twenty

Cassidy

I hardly slept last night. All I could think about was Oliver and me and Lucy. All I could wonder is if I’m making the right choice or not. I want to say that I am...but what if I’m not?

As I watch him drive away, for what could be the last time...I realize that I love Oliver. I know it’s not the first time that I’ve realized that. I’ve loved Oliver Windsor for years, all I needed was for him to prove that he’s changed.

And he’s done that, but I don’t know if I can trust him. What if the change isn’t permanent? What if it’s just for show to make me trust him again? What if the second I let him back inside, it all goes to hell? He goes back to his old ways, proves me right.

I don’t think that he will. Call me a fool, call me desperate. Maybe I secretly enjoy the cycle of getting hurt again and again. Maybe I’ll always be weak for him.

But what if he’s being honest? What if he really has changed? What if things are going to be different this time? Am I a fool for believing him?

It’s later in the afternoon and it finally hits me, I know what I have to do. I know where my heart is and what the right choice is. 

I only hope that I’m not too late.

I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I’m acting like a damn fool, but I know that I won’t ever forgive myself if I let this go.

I leave Lucy with my mother, speeding through winding back roads and around mountain curves, desperate to find Oliver still at the cabin. I pull into the driveway and the rental car is gone. He’s nowhere to be found.

My heart drops.

I slam my hand on the wheel of the car repeatedly, triggering the horn each time. Frustration flows through me. It can’t end like this. Not again. 

I love this man. I love this man so much that I’m sure it will be the death of me. I can’t let him walk away, not again.

I know that this isn’t the last time that I’ll see Oliver, but it damn well feels like it. It feels like this is the last opportunity I have. He’s spent weeks trying to make things right between us, trying to repent for what he did. I haven’t budged at all – and the minute that I decide to, I end up missing my chance.

No. No, I’m not someone who’s easily defeated. I am Cassidy Hanson, a force to be reckoned with. I demand attention when I need it. I can manipulate the press into seeing things from my point of view. I love challenges. 

I’m not going to let it go without a fight.

I grab my phone, rechecking the text I got from Oliver. His flight leaves at eight. I check the clock. It’s a little after five. The drive to the airport is a good two hours from here. If I leave now...I might be able to make it. 

I back the car out of the driveway, turn on some music and speed back down the back roads and through the small town until I reach the highway. 

I don’t know whether I’m wasting my time or not, but I have to hope that I’m not.

After a lot of speeding and screaming in the car, praying to whoever is listening that I make it in time, I pay for the overpriced parking at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport. I don’t even know for sure what terminal Oliver is flying out of. I just have to keep trying.

I get inside the airport and make the stupid choice of buying a ticket to New York, just so I can get further inside. Just so I can find him. I make it through the security line and panic is beginning to consume me. I know that Oliver’s flight is going to be boarding at any moment.

This is all going to be for nothing.

I push past people, probably looking like the rudest person in the world. I search the boards for a flight leaving for New York at eight, finding just one that’s starting to board. I race towards it, my heart pounding in my chest. This is like the plot of some cable-network romance, where I realize my love for him is too strong and I can’t let him walk away.

Has our relationship ever been anything short of belonging in a movie though?

I find the waiting area for the flight, see people in line getting their tickets scanned. I see Oliver, close to the front of the line. I made it. I fucking made it.

“Oliver!” I call out his name, standing just a few feet back from the line. 

He hears me, starts to look around him to figure out where the voice is coming from. Finally, he turns towards me. His eyes meet mine and they widen. He looks towards the front of the line and then to the back like he’s figuring out how long he has if he steps out of line.

He does it then. He steps out of line and walks towards me.

“What are you doing here, Cassidy?”

“I went to the cabin to find you and you were gone. I couldn’t let you leave. I couldn’t—”

“Cassidy.”

“No. I couldn’t let you walk away, Oliver. Probably a little too late, but I love you. I’ve spent weeks trying to crucify you for what you did, not realizing what you’re currently doing. I haven’t been giving you credit for trying, proving to me that you’re different. Oliver...I love you. I’ve loved you for so long. I can’t deny it any longer.”

The words spill from my lips quickly, likely jumbling together at some points. I have to say it. He has to know.

He looks at me in shock, grey eyes wide. He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up even further.

“Cassidy, I’ve been down here for weeks. We’ve been together countless days during those weeks. And you realize how you feel when I’m on the verge of leaving? Like literally about to board my flight?”

I offer a sheepish smile, “I know, I know. A little late. I just...I couldn’t let you walk away without saying something. I’m so tired of one of us walking away from the other, thinking things are all said and done, but they’re not. I guess it’s never really been over for me.”

“Three years,” he says, “I’ve been waiting for you to say this for three years. I’ve dreamed of you every night. I’ve longed for you every day. Cassidy, I need you by my side, but are you sure this is what you want? You seemed pretty damn sure that it wasn’t last night.”

Last night I was a mess. Everything was weighing down on me. I was trying to do what everyone else would think is the right thing, trying to stay away from Oliver because I keep getting burned. But what everyone else wants isn’t what I want. 

I want him. That’s all there is to it. I want us to be a family, like the one I was promised in the beginning.

The only difference is this time, I believe that Oliver can stick to his word.

“Oliver, I love you.”

That’s all I can think to say. No pretty words, no perfectly sculpted sentences. I don’t need to lament the fact. I don’t need to explain it. He gets it. I love him. I’m in love with him.

He looks back to the line, dwindling down to the last few people. 

“I love you too, Cassidy,” he says.

I wait for the ‘but’, I wait for him to say he has to go anyway, I wait for him to make a promise that it won’t be long. But none of that comes. Instead, he reaches out and wraps his arms around me, pulling me close to him.

I lean into the embrace, feeling like all is right in the world. I pause, looking up at him.

“Does that mean you’re staying?”

Oliver looks back at the line waiting to board his flight. It’s towards the end by now, only a handful of people left waiting. I watch his expression turn into something thoughtful.

I know asking him to stay is asking for a lot. I know that I haven’t been the best to him recently. I know he has a life to get back to in New York, but I can’t stand the idea of one of us walking away again. I can’t stand the idea of things falling apart again, because I know that if he walks away, things likely won’t be salvageable. The distance has proved to be too much for us before.

He runs a hand through his hair, his gaze turning back to me.

“I never wanted to leave,” he admits, leaning down and pressing his lips to mine.

It feels like all is right in the world.

Epilogue

Oliver

The New York air is a lot chillier than I expected for it to be today. The weather reported cool, but not this cool. I can only hope that it doesn’t ruin the plans for today. 

I stand in front of my hotel room window, arms crossed over my chest. I thought that I would feel more nervous today, but I don’t. If anything, I feel the most relaxed that I have in years. There’s a knock on the hotel room door, a pause, and then the knock comes again,

“Come in,” I call out.

The door creaks open and footsteps echo behind me. I turn around to see Edward round the corner, entering the bedroom half of the suite. He looks at me, a warm smile spreading over his face.

“Are you ready for today, sir?” he asks.

“I’ve been ready for a long time, Edward,” I smile at him.

His smile remains, nodding his head as he crosses the room to where I stand. I’ve never realized how much taller I am than Edward, or how much older he’s seemed recently. I’ve always ignored his age when thinking about him, but now it seems to really be dawning on me.

Maybe I’m just sentimental today.

“No,” he says, shaking his head. “you haven’t been. You may think that you were ready, but you were not. Today though,” that smile returns to his lips, “today I know that you are ready.”

Sentimental moments are rare for the Windsor family. My father was never the type to want to show weakness, and it rubbed off on all of us. Edward has always been a softer presence, giving sage advice when needed, or offering a break from the realities of this world. 

“You’re right,” I admit, “I wasn’t ready for the longest time, but I’m certainly ready for today.”

He nods along in agreement before his face changes once more. “Oliver, forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn, but I want to say that if your father were here today, he would be extremely proud of you. I know he was never one to say it, but I know that he was. I think he knew that you would rise to your potential one day.”

I don’t know if Alan Windsor would be proud of me today. We never had those conversations. Most of his words were criticisms because that’s just who he was. He didn’t use affection with his children. I don’t know, maybe I’m a better man because of it.

Sometimes, I like to think that he would be proud of me though. When I took over Windsor, I had no idea what I was doing. I was a terrible student in college, managing to only get by on my family name.

There were many sleepless nights as I tried to figure out how to run a company. The hard work paid off, it all clicked together. Windsor is now back to being the top publishing company in New York, if not the world. 

“I only hope that I’m making him proud,” I tell Edward. 

“Well, even if you are not, you’ve made me proud, Oliver. I’m honored to be here with you today.”

I’m not one to be sentimental. As I’ve stated before, I wasn’t raised to be. If these last few years have taught me anything, it’s that it’s okay to be soft with the ones you care about. They’re not the ones who’re going to take you down.

The people you love aren’t your enemies.

I don’t say anything. I reach forward and pull Edward into a hug. I don’t think I’ve done this since I was a child. It feels different, the good kind. He seems shocked for a moment before he reaches forward and hugs me back. We’re quiet as we embrace, letting our silence say everything.

We part and Edward has a smile on his face.

“I should get checking on everything else. We only have a few moments left.”

I don’t feel nervous. I thought that I would, but I don’t. If anything, I feel excited. It’s been a long time coming. 

“I guess I’ll be heading down soon, won’t I?”

“I think Allison will come to get you when it’s time.”

Edward offers one last smile before he turns and begins to walk towards the door. I hear it open and then shut, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again.

I don’t have anything deep or profound to say today. I’m content. I’m happy. Everything is as it should be and that’s all I could have ever asked for. 

There’s another knock on my room, a bit louder than the previous one. I momentarily think that I should have just given everyone a key. I didn’t think I would have so many visitors today.

Before I can say anything, the door bursts open. I hear the sound of shoes, flopping off feet and pounding against the tile floor of the entryway of the suite. Behind the sound of running, I hear a sigh.

“Lucy! I told you to wait a minute,” a tired voice says.

I turn, just as Lucy rounds the corner, Noelle is chasing after her. 

Lucy’s blonde hair is up in a bun with little white flowers stuck in it, her dress is white tulle with sequins around the top part and little white flowers that match the ones in her hair among the sequins. She looks like a little princess.

Completely ignoring Noelle, she races forward and wraps herself around my legs.

“I’ve missed you, Oliver!” 

“I saw you last night, kid,” I laugh, leaning down and scooping her into my arms.

Lucy’s going on five now. She’s growing every day and being able to watch her grow has been amazing. She’s getting bigger, smarter every day. I get a true sense of pride in watching her grow.

Noelle stands in the doorway of the room. Her dress is a periwinkle color, much more breathable than the tulle mess that Lucy is in.

“She was driving Cassidy insane, so I agreed to take her on a walk. Then she decided she wanted to come to see you and well, there was no point in stopping her,” she sighs.

Cassidy and I have decided that after today, we’ll tell Lucy that I’m her father. It’ll be left up to her whether or not she’s going to call me ‘dad’ or a variant of it. We want to make this adjustment easier for her.

“She’s fine. I’ve been ready for a bit now,” I tell Noelle, still holding Lucy. I turn so she can look out at the New York skyline. “Is Cassidy ready?”

Noelle laughs at that.

“She’s a nervous mess right now if that’s what you’re asking. I tried to convince her to sneak a shot with me before we go down to the courtyard, but she refuses.”

“Noelle, please don’t get Cassidy drunk yet!”

“You said ‘yet’, you’re telling me that I have that option later?”

I sigh, rubbing at my temples with the hand that isn’t keeping Lucy secure in my arms. Before I can fire back that I’d prefer she didn’t get Cassidy drunk today, there’s another presence in the room.

Allison is now standing next to Noelle in the same periwinkle dress that she is.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting anything, but Cassidy is ready.”

My heart is pounding in my chest. I didn’t think I would be nervous. I haven’t felt nervous all day, but now it’s getting closer to the moment of truth. I go to put Lucy down, but she clings tighter to me.

Noelle sighs, “Lucy, come here honey. Oliver has to go see your mama,” she opens her arms, but Lucy stays close to me.

“It’s fine. I can carry her down. She’s as much of a part of it as we are,” I tell her, adjusting Lucy in my arms.

Noelle gives me a look as if she’s double-checking but finally nods.

“Once we get downstairs, you have to come to me, Lucy. Deal?”

“Deal,” Lucy says smugly, proud that she got her way after all.

With a deep breath, I walk out of the suite with Noelle and Allison, Lucy securely in my arms. As we walk, Allison reaches over and squeezes my arm.

“You ready for this, Ollie?”

“I’ve never been more ready.”

“There’s no backing out now,” Noelle grins over to me.

“Don’t plan on it.”

Silence washes over us as we get to the elevator. As we descend, my heart rate speeds up once again. I’m doing this. I’m really doing this. I never imagined that I would be here, especially after everything we’ve been through. It seemed almost unfathomable to me.

We reach the first floor and get out of the elevator. Before we take another step forward, I put Lucy on the ground just like I said I would. She frowns up at me but reaches out and takes Noelle’s hand as we agreed upon. 

Lucy’s well-behaved, and I’m proud of her. Maybe she just knows how important today is.

“Okay, okay! Gimme a second to make sure everything is ready!” Allison says, racing out to the courtyard, leaving Noelle, Lucy, and myself waiting.

When Allison returns, she reaches out and takes my elbow.

“Everything is ready,” she says as she pulls me to follow after her.

I stumble at first but follow as Allison drags me out to the courtyard of the hotel, Noelle and Lucy following behind us.

The courtyard is gorgeous, and that’s not an understatement. There’s a large circular pond in the center with flowers floating atop the water. Surrounding that is a jungle of greenery, giving the hotel that rustic countryside feels. That’s what Cassidy wanted. The greenery is wild, with blooming flowers and stretching vines. 

Allison positions me right in front of the pond, on top of the white brick. She turns me to face the opposite side of the hotel than the one we entered the courtyard through.

“Is this right?” she asks, turning to face the photographer.

“Perfect,” she responds.

My heart is really hammering in my chest now. I’m staring straight ahead, unaware of what’s going on around me. I hear excited giggles and coos. 

I hear Noelle whisper, “Look,” to Lucy.

Everything in me wants to turn around, but I don’t. My heart just hammers away. I feel a tap on my shoulder, the hammering picking up. Taking a breath to keep me steady, I turn around to see Cassidy standing behind me.

I’m speechless. Looking at her brings tears to my eyes, I’m unable to stop them from welling up. She’s gorgeous. There’s a single pearl barrette in hair, keeping it out of her face. Her dress is long and flowing, with off the shoulder long sleeves made of tulle. I’m blown away by how beautiful she looks.

Cassidy smiles up at me, causing my heart rate to speed up. 

“You look breathtaking,” I finally get out.

She’s still smiling, and I can tell that she’s holding back her own tears. I don’t say anything else. I reach out and wrap my arms around her. I pull her to me and plant a kiss on her lips. When we part, I look at her again.

“I can’t believe how lucky I am.”

“You’re going to make me cry my makeup off,” she laughs.

“I’ll pay them to redo it, I don’t care.”

She laughs again, a sound that makes everything feel right in the world. It’s one of my favorite sounds in the world, one that I’ll do anything to hear for the rest of my life.

She reaches out and wraps her arms around my neck, leaning in to kiss me. This time she stays, pressing her forehead against mine. 

“Are you ready to do this?” she asks. “Because once you say ‘I do’ there’s no escaping. You’re stuck with me, Oliver.”

“Cassidy, I’m more than ready. I want to be stuck with you every day for the rest of my life. That's why we’re doing this.”

Her eyes are alight, her smile contagious.

“If you’re so sure, then let’s go get married, handsome.”

THE END

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