CHAPTER 25

Cynthia didn’t want to leave just yet.

“It’s almost eleven, Cyn,” Carly said, trying to sound as firm as she could. “It’s late and we still have to drive home.”

“I know that. But we also won’t be coming here for a long time.”

“What do you mean?” Carly asked.

“The next game is in another state. We won’t drive there. I know we won’t.”

Carly and Landon both exchanged looks. The deadpan expression from Landon confirmed what Carly already knew. Swinging this escape had already been hard enough, and they were still only an hour or so away. Leaving Vermont would be absolutely impossible.

“We can still come back here to skate,” Landon said, stepping in. “I’m pretty sure Lizzie Whordon told me that the Killers were still going to use this place to practice.”

“It’s nothing when compared to the real game.”

“And real games will come through here,” Landon said. “I’m sure they will. It may not be the Serious Killers or even the Pluto Cats again, but someone will come by. And until then, we can come here and practice.”

They walked through the stadium doors and out into the parking lot. Most of the other cars had left. Carly struggled to follow after Landon’s strides, as they walked away from his car and toward the skate park.

“Like right here,” Landon pointed to a ramp. “And here and here. There are lots of places for you to hang out on. You don’t need a game, not always. Just keep practicing.”

“Yeah,” Carly added. “Think of what Lizzie said. Gain experience and nothing else will matter.”

“I know. But it’s not the same. Not the same as the game and the music and just, ahhh,” Cynthia said, clutching her chest. “I just don’t want to go right now. Please? Can I stay—just for a little bit. Just some small practice, so I don’t totally feel like I’m missing out.”

Carly exchanged a look with Ashley and Landon.

“Don’t look at me,” Ashley said, holding up her hands. “I am a mere passenger in this endeavor.”

“And you’re driving, Landon. What do you say? Just some practice?”

“I may be driving, but she’s your sister, so I default permission to you.”

Cynthia’s gaze was already on Carly. And though Carly knew she would get into trouble for keeping everyone out this late, she didn’t care. This was the one thing she could say yes to and hope that it counted for something more.

“Of course, Cyn. Knock yourself out.”

* * *

While Cynthia skated, Landon, Carly, and Ashley all sat down on the curb just outside of the stadium. The echoes of Cynthia’s skates up and down the wooden and concrete structures, along with the huffing of her breath as she pushed herself harder, soon became white noise, like water dripping in a tap.

“Should we check up on her?” Carly asked when Cynthia began coughing after taking a spill. “She sounds pretty hard-core over there.”

“Let her be,” Landon said. “She’s got some demons to work out. And really, we should just give her space. Let her come to her senses that way.”

“I agree,” Ashley said. “I think all of us need that time to just get angry without guilt for a little while.”

Carly nodded. “You’re right, I know. So, let’s move on. You guys want anything to eat?”

“From where?” Ashley asked, looking around. “I think most venues are closed.”

“Yeah, but Landon’s a walking snack cart, usually.” Carly laughed. Testosterone had made Landon’s appetite come back with a vengeance when he had started to transition. He pretty much always had some type of snack with him at all times.

“What exactly do you have?” Ashley asked.

“Don’t get your hopes up too high.” Landon pulled out a backpack from the trunk of his car. “I’m more likely to be a den mother bringing juice boxes to a soccer game than I am to have a bunch of booze in the back.”

As Landon sat down, he began to pass around a small bag of trail mix and pretzels, along with a couple cans of Coke. Ashley’s eyes lit up as she grabbed one, cracking it open right away.

“This is better, anyway,” Ashley said. “I would have had to decline the alcohol, otherwise. And no one likes a party pooper.”

“Not much of a drinker?” Landon asked.

“Nah.”

“Really?” Carly said, tilting her head. “I figured most people had a rebellious period when they were young and longed to sneak sips of beer.”

“Except for Cyn,” Landon added.

“Yeah, she merely wishes to skate into the horizon.” Carly opened one of the Cokes and took a sip, somewhat saddened by the remark. She turned around and watched, as Cynthia did a loop with her skating, going backward as she came up to a ramp.

“Well, partying used to be my scene, and drinking too,” Ashley said. “But time changes everything.”

“How so?” Landon asked.

“It’s rather complicated…” Ashley said, “but I suppose my prohibition on drinking is more of a precaution than anything. When I first got sick, I went out to bars a lot. And the first thing doctors tell you to do is to stop all types of extreme behavior.” Ashley rolled her eyes a bit as she took another sip of Coke. “They wanted to make sure I was clean and sober for most of their tests. But even then, they still didn’t find anything. So maybe I should start drinking again.”

Ashley held up her drink in a mocking cheer, which Landon and Carly also did.

“Do you mind if I ask what it was?” Landon said a few moments later. “You can totally plead the fifth on it, but I’m curious.”

“It’s nothing, really. Had a seizure and people freaked out. Then I had some more.”

“Epilepsy?”

“That’s what everyone told me. But none of my tests panned out. I’m an anomaly. A medical mystery.”

“I hear that,” Landon said. “I have been to so many doctors in the past five years that I think I’ve filled my quotient. I won’t ever need to go again.”

Ashley chuckled. “Exactly. Sometimes, I wonder if I should have studied to become a doctor. That way I could just treat myself at home, and we could save so much money on gas and ambulances.”

“What made you stop?” Carly asked.

“Other than the ridiculous amount of school I’d need for a career in medicine?”

“Oh, that would never stop you. You like learning,” Carly said with a wink.

“Truthfully, I stopped wanting to be a doctor after I saw so many and realized none of them knew what they were talking about. Yes, they have gone to school and treat a lot of people and do it really well. But they only know that from years of other people’s research and years of guessing right. Everything with doctors is guessing. And when presented with a case as wonderful and weird as mine…the guess work becomes tedious.”

“Yeah.” Landon nodded along with wide eyes. “The body is a wonderful and terrifying mystery.”

“Well, now I feel odd,” Carly said.

“Don’t,” Ashley chastised. For a moment, Carly thought Ashley was going to say something else, but she merely leaned close for comfort. Landon was also quiet. All that any of them heard was the slow whir as Cynthia moved on her skates.

“You know,” Ashley began slowly, after she turned around and watched Cynthia skate, “I wish I had a rebellious period when I was young.”

“You didn’t?” Landon asked. “What was all that talk about partying, then?”

“That was when I was older, already in my twenties. Before then, I used to have long hair and a good job and was completely quiet.”

“No,” Landon said. “You? Quiet and not full of sass?”

“Again, I know it’s hard to believe. But I used to be just like…well, your mom. Quite frankly.”

“What do you mean?” Carly said. “And why do I suddenly feel like Oedipus?”

Landon laughed. “That doesn’t quite work, you know.”

“Freud doesn’t really work. Not anymore. Anyway,” Ashley said, carrying on. “I was like Jillian in a lot of ways. I dressed very well, suited for my job. I went to work every day and was quiet. I didn’t try to stir up much trouble. I had long hair and even wore makeup.”

Carly tilted her head to the side, as if trying to decipher this. Even Carly didn’t wear makeup, not really, unless lip gloss counted. Cynthia wore more than her on a regular basis. But that was a mere style preference for Cynthia, whereas Carly knew her choices were merely lazy. She couldn’t be bothered with makeup—same with her hair. That was another reason why it was so long. She couldn’t be bothered getting it cut.

“Yeah,” Ashley added. “I had great makeup, long hair. The whole packaged deal.”

“What changed?” Landon asked. “If you don’t mind me asking again? I don’t want to make you feel like you’re seeing a shrink.”

“Nah, I’m used to it. And shrink or not, there is nothing like passing out at your desk at work, then waking up inside a hospital room, to change your perspective with what you want out of life. I cut my hair when they finally let me out of the hospital, because I was so sick of staring at my split ends. I had stopped wearing makeup in the hospital, so I figured why bother keeping up with it. I just…went out into the world a different person. Well,” Ashley said, changing her story slightly. “I don’t like that whole reborn stuff like the evangelists used. I was the same person. Just less afraid, I guess. Just more…”

“Yourself?” Landon suggested.

“Yeah, sure,” Ashley said, nodding along. “I was just so sick of the bullshit. I had only dressed that way because I thought it was expected of me. But if was going to wake up again and not remember how I got someplace, I wanted it to be a more fun experience. I didn’t want my entire life up until that point to feel like some strange dream. So I figured I would do what I wanted, and I would get better. As if my first seizure was from stress.” Ashley laughed a bit before her face fell. “Little did I know that the seizures would get worse, and I really would be waking up and not knowing how I got to a lot of places.”

“What happened?” Carly asked. “After that?”

“After I was sick?” Ashley asked and Carly nodded. “There is no real ‘after’ for when you’re sick. It’s more like, when things are quiet, calm. In some ways, I’ll always be sick, because there is always the threat of something new. I get that. I hate that, but I get it. After I cut my hair, I stopped going into that job. I got a new one. Then I had to quit that, sell my car, and focus on getting better. When there was no one left around me, I found myself changing. You learn to focus on little things to get you through the day.”

“I kind of get that,” Landon expressed. “You’re never really done with transition, either. But soon, you learn to think of something different.”

Carly nodded, but she didn’t know what to say. She had always been healthy her whole life, never so much as a broken bone or stitches. She had no idea what it was like to know her body, not as a tool that brought her pleasure, but as something foreign and fragile that caused her pain and confusion.

Carly wanted there to be a more definitive ending to Ashley’s story, but she knew it wouldn’t come. They munched on more trail mix, sipping their drinks, as a sudden crash from behind them caught their attention.

“Mother fucker,” Cynthia hissed.

Landon and Carly both rose to their feet.

“Cyn?” Carly said. “Cyn, you okay?”

“Fine. I’m fine—fuck,” she hissed again. “Go away. I’m fine.”

Carly jogged toward the skate park in time to hear Cynthia hiss again.

“Go away, I’m fine. Jesus fucking Christ. I may be hurt, but at least I’m not like you guys moping over there.”

“You heard that?” Landon asked, guffawing.

“Yeah, I could hear everything. You sometimes forget I’m here.”

“No,” Ashley said. “But we feel close to you, Cyn. That’s all.”

She rolled her eyes and tried to skate backward. Carly saw the reddish bruise forming on her leg and tried not to gawk at the sight of it. When Cynthia fell again, this time tripping backward, Carly took a step forward.

“Stop it. I am fine.”

“You are not,” Carly said. “We should go home before anyone gets too hurt.”

“Fuck off,” Cynthia said.

“Hey, hey,” Ashley said. “I know you’re fine, but I’m still coming over. I have brothers, so trust me, I’ve seen it all.”

Though Cynthia got to her feet again and tried to skate away, she didn’t call out or swear when Ashley approached. Ashley seemed to take this as a good sign and approached. Cynthia sat on the edge of the ramp and pressed her knee into her hands. Ashley lowered herself to sit by her, but didn’t immediately put her hands on the injury. She looked around first, admiring the tunnel that Cynthia had been skating through.

“This is nice,” Ashley commented. “I wish I could have skated through something like this as a kid.”

“You still could,” Cynthia said, her voice changing slightly when pain shot through her leg. “I mean, it’s not like you’re dead. Even if all the doctors tell you you’re sick. Don’t listen to them. It’s how I got this far.”

Ashley chuckled. “I suppose, you make a good point.”

“I could teach you how to skate,” Cynthia said. “I’m good at it now.”

“Even if you fall a lot?”

“That’s half the fun.”

Ashley nodded, considering it. “I may take you up on that later. First, let me look at what you have here, okay?”

“I just scraped it,” Cynthia said with a hiss of a breath, her hands still pressed into her knee. “It’s nothing.”

“Right, I figured as much. You’ve scraped it before, haven’t you?” Ashley asked, her voice strong. She wasn’t coddling Cynthia, which Carly knew from experience didn’t work at all. But she was treating her with a different attitude that Carly hadn’t seen before and had a hard time placing. “You’re pretty much made of scars and bruises now, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“You could definitely beat us all up, especially when we’re waxing poetic over there, right?”

“Totally, I mean, you guys are old.”

“Hey,” Landon said. “Technically, if we count my life as how long I’ve been Landon, then I’m like five.”

“See what I mean?” Ashley said. “You could totally give us a run for our money.”

“Obviously,” Cynthia said.

“So what’s up?” Ashley asked, looking down at her leg again. “What’s made you extra hurt?”

Cynthia looked around, from Landon, to Carly, and then the stadium they had just come from. She looked back at her legs again and then frowned, just barely.

“I wanted to play. That’s all. I don’t ask for much, really. I mean, so many kids at my school bitch for iPhones or concert tickets, but I don’t care about that. I just want to skate. But I still don’t have it.”

“Ah,” Ashley said, nodding sagely. “So this is pride that hurts more than a flesh wound?”

Cynthia huffed and rolled her eyes. “Maybe. But like I care what they think? I can just start my own skate league if I wanted to. I could crash their parties, do my own thing. That’s the heart of the revolution or whatever, right? Do it yourself. I don’t care about them. I have me.”

“I would care,” Ashley said. “If I wanted to be a big star, I would definitely care what the stars thought of me.”

“Really?” Cynthia thought for a moment about this. When she tried to get up from her seat, she reached out to Ashley for balance.

“Yes, I totally would care about what they thought,” Ashley went on. “Because they do know something, even if part of their logic is flawed. It’s not Lizzie Whordon who is preventing you from skating. It’s a league, the abstract rules. I would care what they thought, use their experience to help me, and then figure out a way to break those rules—on my own terms.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s the first rule of strategy, of playing chess, or any type of game really.”

“But skating isn’t really a game like that. Right now, at least, it’s more about me auditioning.”

“Right, but you can’t just play for yourself. You have to know the terms.” Ashley put an arm around Cynthia’s and then motioned toward the ramps. “You cannot fight a battle on your terms in their home, the stadium, because they’ll win. But what you can do is wow them and make them change those rules.”

“I can’t be on the league unless I’m over eighteen.”

“Maybe, but you may get them to make a loophole. Like parental consent,” Ashley said. Cynthia gave her a sidelong glance.

“I could tell my mom I’m going to driving school, and I need to get her consent to learn with a driver’s ed instructor. Like that? I could cover the form at the top, make it seem legit?”

“Now you’re thinking!” Ashley said, clapping Cynthia on the back again. “You have to wow the team with your skills—both on and off the court. You can’t fight the system, but you can make them think they came to the conclusion to change their minds all on their own.”

“I like it,” Cynthia declared. Letting go of Ashley’s hand, she skated a few feet ahead of them all, doing a small loop. Carly hissed at the sight of blood on her leg, but Cynthia didn’t seem to notice. When she nearly tripped, she looked down and caught her balance. When she reached the edge of the ramp and then swerved back to Ashley, she finished it all off with a small bow.

“Feeling better?” Ashley asked.

“Much better! Thank you,” Cynthia said. She prepared herself for another large takeoff. Carly followed Cynthia’s prepared trajectory and realized she was gearing up toward the biggest ramp in the practice area.

“Cyn,” Carly called. She was surprised when she felt Ashley’s hand against hers, holding her aside.

“And those same rules of strategy apply to you too.”

“What do you mean? I just wanted to warn her…”

“That’s exactly what I mean,” Ashley stated, cutting her off. “You can’t let Cyn think that this is dangerous, or the more she’ll want to do it. But if you let her think it’s her idea, then, well,” Ashley turned her attention toward Cynthia. Carly followed, and watched as she approached the ramp with speed, only to double back.

“Nah,” Cynthia said. “I’ll wait.”

“Aw, really?” Ashley said. “I could have sworn you could have done it.”

“Later,” Cynthia said. “I’ve gotta save my moves.”

“Nice work, kiddo,” Landon said. “You show them.”

Carly nodded. Okay, maybe Ashley knew what she was doing. “Thank you,” she murmured.

“Not at all. Now, come on, Cyn. Make good use of the rest of your time here.”

“Yeah,” Carly added. “Come on, Cyn.”

Cynthia gave them all a devious grin, before she geared herself up for another round on the ramps. Even when she fell down, she got back up again. All like it was nothing at all.

And maybe it was. When Carly wasn’t cheering Cyn on, she held Ashley’s hand and watched as her sister excelled. And for a while, all nagging doubts were gone.

* * *

Everyone was all packed up to go, when Landon cursed under his breath.

“What’s up, Lando?” Ashley said.

Landon didn’t remove his eyes from his cell phone. His brow knit with worry Carly hadn’t seen on him in quite some time.

“What’s wrong?” Carly asked. “Is everyone okay?”

“That was Magda,” Landon said, not looking up.

“Magda?” Ashley asked.

“She’s your next door neighbor, right?” Carly asked. “The trans woman?”

“Across the street, yeah. She runs the clothing store on weekends. She just sent me the strangest text.”

Landon handed the phone over the Carly.

Sweetie, your stuff’s on the porch. The landlord was shouting about something, but I couldn’t hear. I recognized your computer on the ground because it had paint all over it. Smart move, kiddo. The bright yellow made it easy to spot in the dark. I gathered it up for you, before anyone else could. If I were you, I would come home, see what’s going on…and if you got a lawyer friend, bring ‘em.

“What the fuck?” Ashley peered over Carly’s shoulder and read the message. A knot formed in Carly’s stomach. Oh no. No, no, no. Cynthia grabbed the cell phone before it fell on the ground as Carly moved toward Landon.

“Is this what I think it is?” Carly said. “Landon?”

Landon shrugged. His face was placid, as if he was still too shocked to react. When he lifted his gaze to Carly, though, she noticed the glassy appearance of his eyes. He was on the verge of tears.

“Do you guys mind if we make a detour to my place before dropping you off? I have a strong feeling I’m going to need as many hands as possible, since it looks like I’ve just been kicked out.”