CHAPTER 38

When Carly arrived at the hospital, Ashley was asleep. But Carly could see it was different. Ashley’s face had more color now. She still looked small in the hospital gown and with tubes in her arms, but those had decreased in number. Carly pulled up the same chair she always sat in, trying to be careful as she scuffed it across the floor. Ashley’s skin was no longer hot to the touch. She murmured in her sleep, turning over in bed, but not waking. Carly smiled. You always slept like a rock, didn’t you?

Carly took out Treasure Island from her purse. At home, she had been rereading sections of it so it would remind her of Ashley and she could feel close to her again. Carly could pinpoint where she had been when she read certain scenes aloud, where Ashley’s hand had been placed on her body, and whether or not they had kissed yet. This was really why Carly loved rereading books, because it was about the memory of reading as much as it was about the actual storyline itself.

Ashley still slept as Carly read silently. Her mind soon wandered away from the page, and the new place she had found herself. After the funeral, when everyone was back at their house for a light lunch. Her mother had finally broken the news about the house and the rest of the will to Carly. Jillian got most of Dorothy’s liquid assets while Cynthia got antique Rollerblades that even Carly didn’t know Dorothy had.

Jillian was distant as she reiterated the facts, and when Richard came up to them and laid a hand on Jillian’s waist, Carly noticed her mother moved into the touch. Things were getting better, however slowly.

Carly had no idea what she would do with a house that big. Her mother had advised selling it, since it was already paid off and would yield a good price. But Carly wasn’t sure about letting go of something that was so much a part of Dorothy. She wanted to talk to Ashley about it. She could trust her judgement.

An hour into the visit, Ashley still hadn’t woken up from her nap yet. Carly rose to her feet, kissing Ashley’s hand before she went for coffee. As she reached the doorway, a movement came from the bed.

“Carly Rogers?” Ashley said, her voice muffled. She rubbed her eyes and placed an arm behind her head. “Is that you?”

“Yes.” Carly hadn’t been called by her full name like this in what felt like a long time—and she cherished the sound. “I’m here now. Not going anywhere.”

“Ah yes,” Ashley said. “There’s that enthusiasm I’ve been missing.”

Carly wrapped her hand around Ashley’s and grinned, Ashley was weak. Tired. Small creases formed around her eyes. Her fatigue weighed down the room.

“How are you feeling?” Carly asked.

“I’m in a hospital. That should be a feeling in and of itself.”

“What’s that like?”

“Trapped. Annoying. And tired, really tired.”

“You’re pretty much better now. That’s what Darren tells me.”

“And yet, they want to keep me here for observation. I guess I’m just too popular for my own good.”

“You’re a lot of things,” Carly said. She meant the words to be playful, but Ashley’s smile was barely there.

“Yeah, I suppose I am now.” Her free hand went to her chin, as if she was thinking something over. She raised her eyebrows after a moment and shrugged. “I guess it’s a fact that I do have epilepsy, right? No beating around the bush?”

“Um.” Carly paused. She had been so consumed by Ashley just being okay that she hadn’t stopped to think anything over in the bigger picture. “Maybe. I think, because of the medication”

“Ah. I guess you know about that now, right?”

Carly nodded mutely.

“Yep. No privacy. I figured as much.”

“It’s not like that. It’s not like the NSA listening in on your phone calls.”

“I know that,” Ashley said, kissing Carly’s hand. “But I wish I hadn’t been an idiot about the pills in the first place.”

“You weren’t….” Carly started to argue and then stopped as she felt Ashley sigh against her fingers.

“Ugh,” Ashley groaned. “Now I really can’t drive. I’m never getting my license back.”

“I know. That sucks. But apparently I may be your chauffeur a lot faster than we thought.”

Ashley smiled and then burst out laughing. “Oh, man. I thought that was a dream! Darren told me you drove me to the hospital at like three in the morning, but I didn’t believe him. That really is true?”

Carly nodded and shrugged her shoulders. “What can I say?”

“Badass. That’s what you can say.”

“Really, though, I know I should be happy,” Ashley said after laughing. “At least I don’t have some weird disease they can’t diagnose. I’m just going to spaz out around bright colors and sounds. And they’re going to lecture me about going to derbies.”

Carly smiled. “You just need…”

“I know, I know. Pills. Fuck. Is there anything you don’t know now?” Ashley smiled, but Carly could sense the pain in the response.

“I can tell you my medical history,” Carly bargained. “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

“Okay,” Ashley said, sitting up with bright eyes. “I actually want to hear this. Gory details and all. It’s only fair.”

“I don’t think I have much. I broke my toe when I was thirteen, while playing with Cynthia. Even then, she was causing bumps and bruises.”

“What was she, like a baby?”

“About two years old. And then, when I was fifteen, I passed out in gym class from running a mile in heat. That was more the gym teacher’s fault, I’m pretty sure.”

“Probably. Gym class always felt like slow torture on most days.”

“Oh, yeah,” Carly agreed with a nod. “But I think that’s it—as far as injuries go.”

“Not fair. I want to know the little bits that you may be hiding.”

“Oh?”

“Like…” Ashley said, her voice a little throaty. “First period?”

“Thirteen. Terrible. It was just after the toe incident, too. I hid it from my mom for like a year.”

“How?”

She shrugged. “Bought my own pads. I finally told her one morning as I was leaving for school, when I was fourteen. I just didn’t want to tell her before that. She doesn’t exactly inspire girl talk.”

“Fair enough.” Ashley stared up at the ceiling considering all the information. “So really, no broken bones, huh? Nothing major?”

“Nope.”

“Not even sprains?”

“Uh-huh.”

“My God, you are a golden child.”

Carly laughed as she squeezed Ashley’s hand. “Ask something else and I’ll tell you.”

Ashley motioned for Carly to lean closer and then began to whisper. “First time you had sex?”

“Guy or girl?”

“Oh,” Ashley said. “Now, we’re interesting. Guy, then.”

“Never. Not really. When I was fifteen I dated someone, and we both got off with one another, but I had to do the work, you know? I realized I didn’t really like guys then.”

“Pfft, who does?” Ashley joked. “With a woman, then?”

“I was sixteen. I would like to not reveal the name, for personal reasons.”

“Okay,” Ashley said, giving another nod. Carly thought from the way Ashley tipped her head that she knew who Carly was referring to. “What was it like?”

“Great,” Carly said. “I was nervous, of course.”

“Of course, it’s you.”

“But it was good. Her breasts were huge—and I remember that being a really, really scary thing to me. I didn’t know where to put my hands and then where to touch. I didn’t know if what felt good to me felt good to her. They always say that same sex relationships are easier because hey, you already have a body like that! So you should know where things go! But it’s not like that. Not at all. Every body is so different.”

“Don’t I know it,” Ashley said with a sigh. “But tell me more about the sex.”

Carly laughed. “Well, I never came, but I got her off really easily.”

“Mouth or hands?”

“Both. I was fingering her and using my tongue.”

“Looks like you learned quickly, then.” Ashley winked. “As much as I thank you for sharing, I’m sad now because I’m horny. And that’s another thing about hospitals—you can’t masturbate or your fucking heart monitors go off and they think you’re dying.”

Carly eyed the machine and then looked back at Ashley. “Personal experience?”

Ashley made a motion of zipping her lips. “I really think you know too much about me, so I’m keeping that answer to myself.”

“Fair enough. But…Is that so bad? That I know a lot?”

“No,” Ashley said genuinely. “I just wish I had been the one to tell you.”

“I know,” Carly said. “Me too.”

They were quiet for a while before Ashley tugged on Carly’s hand. She thought she was going to ask her another question. Threesome? Personal favorite position? Instead she pulled her close. They kissed, just a little, because if they kept going it felt like too much to handle. After almost losing her, and realizing the depth of her love, Carly couldn’t handle so much touch. She could not handle that much reciprocated feeling—especially with a heart monitor next to them.

“What’s up?” Ashley asked when she pulled away. Their heads still remained close, foreheads touching. “You’re upset.”

“I have been, yeah. I was really worried about you.”

Ashley narrowed her eyes. “You should know I’m made of stronger stuff.”

“I guess I should by now. I will keep it in mind.”

“So what is it, then?” Ashley asked. Their eyes caught one another. “You can tell me, right?”

Carly’s breath hitched in her throat. Her heart skipped a beat. And that’s when she realized that Ashley already knew the answer, and was merely waiting for her to confess it.

“Dorothy died in her sleep—some complication with pneumonia. It was peaceful, really. Nothing to be upset about.”

“A death is always upsetting” she said slowly. “No matter how well or how little you think you know someone. How long ago?”

“A while…” Carly said. She hoped that would be enough of a response, but Ashley raised her eyes to Carly. She narrowed them and squeezed her hand.

“I…uh,” Carly said, stopping and restarting. “I went to her funeral yesterday. I was there…but I also wasn’t there, you know? I didn’t feel anything. Nothing like I was supposed to feel. Hell, Cyn and I cried before the service—not during it.”

“What do you think you should have done?”

“I don’t know. Made a bigger fuss? I was sad—don’t get me wrong—I just… I know that’s not what Dorothy would have wanted.”

“Why not?”

“Because you should pick bodies over ideals. She was my aunt and I loved her. But she was not made for this type of mourning.”

“Everyone’s made for mourning.”

“Not her… Not…like that. She was too good to be so simple. She…” Carly lost it then. For the second time in two days, she felt the sudden well of grief inside of her over Dorothy’s death. She thought the small cry with Cynthia had been enough, but maybe that was mourning something else entirely. Now, inside Ashley’s hospital room, she felt the emptiness, the blank space that Dorothy left. She would no longer have anyone to spend weekends with. She wouldn’t have to trade her Saturday shifts, she wouldn’t have to clean, and she wouldn’t have anyone to write poetry with anymore. The good and the bad of that life and then just the boring bits of being at her house, all fell away. She would miss the conversation, the bickering over tea, and then the eerie quiet in the middle of the afternoon when Dorothy would sleep. She would miss everything, Carly realized, because time only ever went one way. Sometimes she could barely stand up without feeling the weight of all the decisions she had to make in order to keep moving forward. Sometimes, all Carly wanted to do was to stand still, because she thought that meant she could beat time. That nothing could happen around her. But it always moved. Things always changed. And Carly was suddenly so, so sick of everything moving on without her.

As Carly cried, Ashley held onto her hand and squeezed it at the right times, murmuring small encouraging words. It was small, but Carly thought it was enough. When Ashley expressed her own condolences, and her own personal mourning for Dorothy, Carly squeezed Ashley’s hands in the same, small ways.

“I’m so sorry, Carly.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“What? Carly?”

“Yeah,” Carly said, wiping away a tear. She tried to take in a deep breath and smile. “I missed you calling me by my full name.”

Ashley grinned. “Ah, Carly Rogers. I will use your full name so long as you’re around to hear it.”

“It’s all I ask,” Carly said, squeezing hands again.

“As much as I’m willing to comply to your needs, I sometimes think you should ask for more.”

“What do you mean?”

“I…I wanted to avoid this.” Ashley looked around and motioned to all the beeping equipment. The nurses’ shoes scuffed up and down the hallway and added another din of white noise to the other hospital sounds.

“What? Me taking care of you?”

“Well, I was thinking I really wanted to avoid you driving without supervision—because really, how dangerous!”

Carly laughed. “Well, I figured since I was heading toward the hospital the worse couldn’t possibly happen. With all the adrenaline pumping through my system, I figured I was like those supermoms who could lift cars up. Really, I was practically a superhero.”

Ashley squeezed Carly’s hand again. “We’d still better get you lessons. But you know what I mean, right? I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want my illness, whatever it is, to come in the way. I didn’t want to scare you. Even if you are a superhero under all of your tight sweaters, I wanted to be the one to save you. Not the one to cause you to change.”

“I’m not. It’s not like that. Ever since I started that job, I’ve been changing. But that’s not been you. Not entirely. I’ve just been realizing how much I gave up in order to come back here. In order to take care of other people.”

“Cyn and your aunt?”

“No, my mom. And I can’t do it anymore. She’s left and gotten married so many times, but I thought I owed her something. Like I owed her to stay around…” Carly paused, putting her free hand to her mouth. “But it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. She has Richard, and I should have realized that sooner. I should have realized so many things sooner. I’ve just been thinking way too much while I’m here…”

“As if that’s different from any other day,” Ashley joked. She sat up in bed, her face serious again. She pushed her cords out of the way and took Carly’s hand in hers. “What, my dear? What is your revelation?”

“That I love you. I want to be with you, and…” Carly trailed off, then took a deep breath. “Dorothy left me her house. Her will said something about how I had cleaned it so often I may as well get to keep the fruits of my labor. I didn’t believe it…” Carly dug through her purse to find her phone. “Cyn sent me a picture of the will earlier today. I have it here if you want to see.”

“I believe you,” Ashley said. Her face softened. “Oh, trust me, I believe you. Even if I have just woken up like Sleeping Beauty and could be taken for any scam in the world.”

“Oh, right. I’m sorry. I should let you rest. Do you need food?”

“No, I need you to tell me what’s going on.” Ashley asked, her face serious and playful at the same time.

“Well.” Carly took a deep breath and tried to reorganize all her thoughts so they made sense again. “I suppose it’s kind of like Godot, I mean. I think I realized that I was staying here like those men stayed on the stage, hoping for something better, hoping for something good to come along. Only it never does. The play always goes on and on, the same thing over and over again, but they never see Godot. They never meet Godot. He’s an illusion, and you can’t fall in love with myths. You have to fall in love with bodies.” Carly laughed again. “I feel stupid not getting this until now. But there is so much homoerotic subtext in that play between Vladimir and Estragon. So. Much.”

“Even I got that when I read it, and I’m not an English major.” Ashley laughed again. “So that’s really all it is? If you’re making bad literary analogies and jokes about life, you can’t feel that badly.”

Carly laughed. “I do that, don’t I?”

“And I tolerate it. By the way—did you bring me anything good to read?”

Carly moved slightly, letting go of Ashley’s hand to pick up Treasure Island. She held it up with a smile.

“Excellent. Well done, Jolly Rogers,” Ashley said, nodding and smiling. “An oldie but a goodie. Have you been reading it aloud?”

“Half and half. Depending on who was around and how I felt.”

“No good. No wonder I’ve been having strange, pirate fantasy dreams that don’t lead anywhere. We’ll have to start from the beginning again.”

“Well, fine, Ashley Poindexter.”

Ashley smiled again. “There. I was waiting for it.”

“What?”

“My name. You only use it when you’re happy.”

“I like the way it sounds in my mouth.” Carly paused, and heard Ashley giggle again. “Wait, that didn’t sound right.”

“That sounded perfect,” Ashley said. She kissed her cheek, before pulling back. “But tell me. Finish your story from before. If we don’t wait for Godot, what do we do?”

“I’m moving,” Carly said. “I have a house now. And a job, I think, with Marshalls. This is a little bit longer of a story, but it’s easier to follow…”

Ashley nodded along as Carly began to explain the possible job at Marshalls. When Ashley had been in the hospital and Carly missed a shift, she worried that the job offer would be revoked. She had been shocked when Tim, one of the managers, had left her a heartfelt message on her machine, assuring her that not only was she a good worker—but to take the time she needed. She was most likely going to take the promotion, too, but only if Ashley came with her. Only if Ashley could still work, too. She wanted them to be together, if this was going to work. Vladimir could not leave Estragon, even if they could leave behind Godot.

“But…” Carly said. She wished that Ashley would help her out, but she no longer added commentary. She stared at Ashley, her eyes wide, waiting for Ashley to finish her story and give it the ending it needed.

“But,” Ashley finally said. “Come on, Carly, you can do this. Ask me.”

“If you already know what I’m going to say, then why should I?”

“Because I want to hear it from you.”

“Come live with me,” Carly said, sighing. “I want you, Ashley Poindexter, to live with me, Carly Rogers.”

“Yes, Carly Jolly Rogers. I will go on whatever adventure you give to me. So long,” Ashley said, kissing her knuckles and pointing to the book again, “as you start at the beginning.”

Carly nodded. She got up from her spot by the bed and wrapped her arms around Ashley, touching her frail shoulders and kissing her cheek.

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you too,” Ashley reciprocated. When they pulled their faces back toward one another, their lips met. Small and chaste, the kiss seemed more restorative to Carly than to Ashley. Carly moved her palms down Ashley’s small arms, being weary of the tubes and IV, until she sat back down on her chair. Both hands were on the bed, and for a while, they were both silent.

Then Ashley sighed. “Come on, you know how boring hospitals are.”

“Yes, yes,” Carly said. She picked up Treasure Island once again. She cracked open the first page, and with Ashley’s hand in hers, began to read.