8

The Big Design

The Way It Is

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among

things that change. But it doesn’t change.

People wonder about what you are pursuing.

You have to explain about the thread.

But it is hard for others to see.

While you hold it you can’t get lost.

Tragedies happen; people get hurt

or die; and you suffer and get old.

Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.

You don’t ever let go of the thread.

—WILLIAM STAFFORD

“We are each spinning our individual threads, lending texture, color, pattern, to the ‘big design’ that is serving us all.”

—KAREN CASEY,AMERICAN AUTHOR

“I follow the thread of true self faithfully for a while. Then I lose it and find myself back in the dark, where fear drives me to search for the thread once again.”

—FROM A HIDDEN WHOLENESS BY PARKER PALMER, QUAKER AUTHOR, EDUCATOR

The Way It Is

“You may feel far from it [true self], but it is never far from you.”

—LAMA SURYA DAS, POET, AUTHOR, BUDDHIST SPIRITUAL TEACHER

Journals provide a tapestry of your life. When you read through them, you discover so much about your path, your dreams, your stories. Each journal entry becomes a thread, connecting you to all the other journal entries, and to every event in your life. Find a thread in your journal and pull on it, and an entire story unfolds before you. Even when it may be a sad story, you feel somehow stronger by gaining this knowledge. This strength comes from the connection we experience to our real selves through our journals—we see how everything we write matters and is linked together to reveal patterns. Your journal entries can be a thread from your past to your future, a way to rediscover your most authentic feelings and insights. As you continue to write about your days and your experiences in your journals, you can see the threads of your truth weaving throughout your life.

Friday, Nov. 20, 1992

We had our football awards night last night. Those things for football take forever but it’s worth it to us players. I’m happy to say that at the end of the season I had accomplished more than just my goal. My goal was to make all-conference so I could get my name on the wall and to get a unanimous vote for most valuable Offensive Tackle. But I also earned an award for being on the first quarter honor roll while participating in football. But the most surprising thing was when I tied with Jake Deaver for Most Valuable Player. I hadn’t even thought of that. So I was quite happy with myself and I am going to miss Stillman Valley football very much. These four years just flew by!!!

—MICHAEL Z., AGE 17, SENIOR YEAR JOURNAL ENTRY

And from Michael ten years later…

I read through my senior year journal in awe. It was a time that I completely focused on training and making myself into a masterpiece. I led by example and by always striving to better myself and the team. At the end of the year I had been awarded Team Captain, All-Conference, and MVP in football and wrestling. I placed first in wrestling sectionals only after upsetting the number one, two, and three seeded wrestlers in state rankings. The state champ Danny Deavers had a record of 29–1. I was the one person he didn’t defeat. I placed fourth at state championships in wrestling. I received the Principal’s Leadership Award, and the Sons of the American Revolution award, and was voted male athlete of the year. I also made the honor roll throughout the year.

“If you gaze for a long time into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

—FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE, GERMAN PHILOSOPHER

Part of myself knew that I would never have this opportunity again so I repressed a lot of feelings such as pride in my accomplishment, enjoyment of success, and recognition of hard work. I felt it was easy to be great in a small school but knew this was just one phase of my life and I mentally rushed myself into the next as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t get stuck in identifying with my high school accomplishments. I felt like if I acknowledged them then I would be stuck in the past and not able to do comparable things later.

Instead of acknowledging the greatness of me and what I have the capability of doing when I truly focus, I deliberately separated myself from that. Reading over my journal and sharing my story with a circle of friends, I realize it is time to take pride in all that I was and am. It is important to slow down and enjoy who and what you are today, right now. I wish I hadn’t “rushed” myself through high school and had allowed myself to enjoy all my accomplishments.

• If you already have a journal, look through it and find a thread. Pull on it and write about it today. Search for repetitive dreams and look for a common thread in them.
• What difficulty keeps arising? Have you solved it yet? How does this thread connect your past, present, and possible future? What does the thread tell you about yourself today? Michael decided to appreciate himself more in the moment. Write about the new insights that arise as you read your journal.
• Write about a thread that makes you feel good.

Just an Average Girl

Below is an account of a childhood experience as I wrote about it in my young adult journal when I was nineteen, followed by my reflection on it now.

“Looking at the world with the eyes of a writer is important to me because I look at the big picture. Without that perspective, I tend to feel overwhelmed. When I see the big picture and myself as part of it, I don’t feel so small.”

—LIA JOY RUNDLE, AGE 22, POET AND JOURNAL WRITER

8 a.m., August 1976

I walked this particular route home from grade school almost every warm day. It became a familiar and safe shortcut through one corner of deep woods. My feet would usually be covered with damp grass and dirt by the time I reached home. Out of the woods I would cross a yard that in the late spring would be covered with dandelions. As they are to most children, dandelions were beautiful to me, free flowers for the picking. Mixed in with the dandelions were Indian paintbrushes. This day I grabbed a handful of both to offer my mother on my arrival home from fifth grade. In one hand I had the flowers, quickly folding over on themselves, and in the other my fifth grade report card.

It astonishes me how hopeful I felt as I picked the flowers and carried them home. I fantasized about my mother’s reaction as she received these gifts.

But that day I also carried home my report card. Covered in C’s I felt unsure of myself. C … C stands for “Can’t.” Can’t do better. Can’t expect more. The C’s seemed to scream, like a silent shout, “she’s average, just average.”

When I got home my mother was in the laundry room. I put both my hands out and she took the report card and flowers. She opened up the report card and with no disappointment on her face said, “Some of us are C people, Julie, don’t expect to do better than C’s.” Am I still that C kid, now, in my second semester of college? I feel so average. Yet not. How am I going to get by? At least she wasn’t disappointed in me. Wasn’t she good not to be disappointed in me?

Thirty Years Later

As an adult and a mother myself, I realize that in college I thought my mother correct in not being disappointed with me. And as a child and young adult I wasn’t really upset at her considering me as “average,’ just a C. Yet I remembered this incident enough to journal about it.

What does this thread tell me now? The truth is that when I pull on this thread now, throughout my thirty years of journaling I find some painful insights. I discover that even in my dreams my mother never thought of me as much more than a C person.

Following this thread I observed other strands of insight. There was my ability to trust and believe in myself even when those around me couldn’t. I saw how I had learned not to go to the hardware store for fruit salad—meaning, don’t go to someone for support and love when they don’t have it to give. Go where you will get it. I found the thread of undying curiosity for truth. I found the thread that was my search for my own truth. All these are threads weaving in and out of my journal entries involving my mother. They are all threads to my true nature. They all tell me something of value about my life and myself. As painful as it may be at times to look back on my experiences, without them I would be missing an intimate and colorful part of my tapestry, my life.

”When I don’t write, I feel my world shrinking … I feel I lose my fire, my color.”

—FROM THE DIARY OF ANAÏS NIN VOL. 2

• How are you extraordinary? What do others not know about you that makes you extraordinary? Write about this.
• Write about a memory you have about your mother.
• Do you remember bringing home a report card? What happened? What feelings and thoughts did you have when your parent(s) read your report card?
• Do you remember your walk or bus ride home on any particular day? Write about that.
• Just pull on a thread that you find in one entry, and reflect on it. Give yourself at least an hour to sit privately in your room with your journals searching for entries tied together by this thread. Yours may be connected to your mother, or your pets, or your teachers. Pull on one … and find out.

Invisible Threads

Synchronicity, defined by psychologist Carl Jung as “meaningful coincidence,” brings into focus our invisible connections to the Big Design (what some call the Tao, that invisible unifying principle that connects us all) and to one another. I have shared in my other books many synchronistic events that were threaded throughout my life. Each synchronistic encounter anchored me to something within myself, and to something greater than myself. These events allowed me to experience the bigger picture—the web of life of which we are all a part. Even seemingly small encounters become a link to that which connects us all.

“This intrinsic knowledge of our place in the greater picture is part of our spiritual DNA, our original software, or ‘heartware.’ ”

—LAMA SURYA DAS, POET, AUTHOR, BUDDHIST SPIRITUAL TEACHER

“What is known intuitively, through experience of the Tao, is that we are not lonely, isolated, insignificant, and meaningless creatures, accidentally evolved from organic rubbish on a miniscule dot in the vast cosmos. Instead, the Tao experience gives us the direct knowledge that we are linked to all others and to the universe; through that which underlies everything and which some call God. Synchronistic events are glimpses into this underlying oneness, which is the meaning conveyed through an uncanny coincidence.”

—FROM THE TAO OF PSYCHOLOGY BY JEAN SHINODA BOLEN, M.D., JUNGIAN ANALYST AND AUTHOR

One aspect of a synchronistic encounter is that the outer “accident” is connected to some emotional or psychological situation you are experiencing internally. For example, I was concerned about my future, and praying about it, when a chance encounter intervened.

I was nineteen. I had applied for admission to the University of Wisconsin in Madison and I was not accepted. The woman at the admissions office said that my application was rejected because I didn’t have enough algebra credits on my high-school transcript. I left the building very upset and confused. Up until that point I had believed that I was meant to go to college, that I was meant to become a social worker and maybe even write a book someday. Now what was I going to do?

I left the admissions office discouraged but not hopeless. I sent out a prayer to Spirit. “What now?” I asked. I walked over to a local drugstore that had one of the last remaining soda fountains and ordered a Coke. As I sat at the counter, worried but also trying to consider my options, someone took the seat next to me.

And who do you think it was?

It was my high-school algebra teacher! I told him about my situation, and he said that he would write a letter and set it straight with the university that I had taken enough algebra credits. Later that month I began my journey into higher education, ultimately going to graduate school and writing several books.

“When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.”

—JOHN MUIR, AMERICAN NATURALIST

Recording these synchronistic encounters gives me a reference to all the times the invisible thread that connects us all has become visible in my life. At these times I feel my place in the Big Design. Whenever I wonder how to keep going, I remember my repetitive dreams and encounters or the times when rejection seemed to lead me to the place I needed to be.

Three times different friends mentioned this particular book to me. And then I was sitting in the coffee shop at Barnes and Noble and I was trying to remember the name of the book but couldn’t. Two women sat down next to me and began talking about this amazing book (which, by the way, is not a big seller or that well known). I looked over and they both had the book my friends mentioned to me! I got up and had to order the book because the two women had taken the last two. I have since read the book, and yes, it was exactly what I needed at the time.

—CYN, AGE 18

• Start paying attention to meaningful coincidences—synchronicities—in your life, and record them in your journal.
• What is your internal world like right now? What meaningful coincidence can you imagine that could be connected with this?

I don’t know where to go to college. It may sound like a small thing, but I am really confused. Should I stay near home (where my ex-boyfriend is), or should I move away? Both are scary. My meaningful coincidence would be to meet up with someone who really loved staying or going… . Or, I would meet someone who graduated from the away college. Then I would know where to go. I would feel supported and less scared.

—NADINE, AGE 17, GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL IN A FEW MONTHS

In the cherry blossom’s shade there’s no such thing as a stranger.

—ISSA, JAPANESE HAIKU POET

• “There are no accidents.” Write about this.
• Write about the best unexpected encounter you have ever had with someone.

Our Threads Intertwine

“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.”

—ALBERT SCHWEITZER, GERMAN THEOLOGIAN, PHYSICIAN, MUSICIAN, AND MORALIST

You, too, are someone’s thread, his or her link to the Big Design. Through meeting up with you, they become aware of the divine connection that links us all. Just recently I received a letter from a woman who knew me during her teen years. I picked her up one late night, as she walked alone. I offered her a ride and a place to sleep. Here is how her letter (thirty years later) began:

“About a million years ago, I was a teenager—and you were a young woman of saintly patience and intense curiosity. We struck up a friendship which spanned my entire adolescence until I faded into a period of no mailing addresses. Recently, I wrote a young adult novel, which is soon to be published, and I thought: of all the people who have touched my life, Julie Johnson is the one who had the greatest impact, and I would like so much to share this book with her.”

I later found out that her novel is based on her teen journals (!) and that she has kept a journal since the age of thirteen. See the thread?

It continues to weave through my life, as her letter helped me not to give up on this book about journaling. I had reached a low point in my writing. I felt discouraged and wondered, what is the point of writing yet another book that may or may not get into the hands of teens? I lost myself in the question that arises now and again for most of us—do my life and my efforts really matter? Then this woman’s letter arrived. As I read the letter several times, I felt the heart and soul of this book, and knew that my life does matter. The message from her (and the Divine) that journaling through our teen years is worthwhile came to me loud and clear. She helped me see the thread that connects us all. I got a clear picture of the Big Design: that, for me, it only really matters that I reach one person—you. A thread exists between you and me as you read these words and hold this book in your hands.

“If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself.”

—MINQUASS WISDOM

• Your life matters. How do you know this to be true? Write about this.
• Write about someone who has had a positive impact on your life.
• Write a thank-you to someone.
• Write about what led you to this book.
• Write about a recent encounter (a nonromantic one).
• Find a spider’s web somewhere and write about what you see.
• Write about a past encounter that is significant for you today.
• Many of your encounters today will be links to your future. How? Write about one possibility.

Inside of Us

Inside this clay jug are canyons and pine mountains

And the maker of canyons and pine mountains.

All seven oceans are inside, and hundreds of millions of stars.

The acid that tests gold is there, and the one who judges jewels,

And the music from the strings no one touches, and the source of all water.

If you want the truth, I will tell you the truth,

Friend, listen: the God whom I love is inside.

—“THE CLAY JUG” BY KABIR, 15TH-CENTURY HINDU MYSTIC, SUFI POET

“Peace … comes within the souls of those who realize their relationship, their oneness, with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the Universe dwells Wakan-Tanka, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.”

—BLACK ELK, OGLALA LAKOTA MEDICINE MAN

I enjoy reading this poem over again a few times each time I read it. It reminds me of how we are connected to everything. It reminds me how deep and endless this unity is; it offers me a sense of my place and purpose. It reminds me that each life, whatever form it takes, is allied to every other living thing. The very oceans are within us; the sun, the mountains, and the moon. We each carry within us all life. Each of us is like the clay jug.

• Pick something … the clothes you wear (who made them?), or the furniture you are sitting on, or the lamp you are reading by, or the journal you are writing in—and write about what is inside of it. It can be written as a poem, a list, or simply a flow of ideas.

Inside this piece of paper is the sun and tree and the seed that made the tree. Inside the seed is the idea of the tree and the paper company who cut the tree.

• What is inside of you?

“I am myself and what is around me, and if I do not save it, it shall not save me.”

—JOSÉ ORTEGA Y GASSET, SPANISH PHILOSOPHER, SOCIAL CRITIC

• What does the above quote mean to you?

Threads Across Time

There are many days I don’t want to be fifteen. No adult really wants to hear this—they just assume we will get through it. Or worse, when we look all put together on the outside, they assume the inside is fine too. Some days my insides are a mess, other days are better. Mostly I want to be out of high school, out of this fifteen-year-old body, over my acne, and out and on my way, somewhere away from here.

—TERITIA, AGE 15

“Look, then write it down. Look again, you are everywhere.”

—FLAMING RAINBOW WOMAN, SPIRITUAL TEACHER

With our journals we can travel in time—back to our past and into our future. I can go back thirty years and read about my thoughts, feelings, intuitions, and experiences and reflect on how they led me to where I am now. I can read about how I perceived and experienced my friends, or falling in love, or how I thought others saw me.

You have a big, mysterious, and beautiful future that awaits you. Okay, okay, there will probably be times of difficulty and, for some, great challenges. Yet the future is bright—trust me on this. Not one of my difficulties or challenges stopped me from having a big, beautiful life, and yours won’t stop you either.

Meeting my future self was one of the most powerful encounters recorded in my journal. If you are having doubts about your future self, take some time to do this meditation. Have someone read it out loud, or record it and listen to the tape. Give yourself ten to fifteen minutes for this meditation. You may be seated or lying down in a comfortable position for this journey.

Close your eyes and notice your breathing. Just let the breath move by itself… . Begin to follow your breath in and out of your nostrils, noticing how it brushes against the top of your nostrils as it moves in and moves out… . With each exhalation let your body relax … relax and breathe… . Now imagine yourself in your favorite place in nature. Notice the soft white of a few clouds passing by in the blue sky… . Breathe and relax… .

Now notice that way, way off in the distance an adult is approaching you. This adult that you cannot really see yet is you. The adult you is walking toward you, has come back to visit with you and to let you know that your future awaits you… This adult you has reached his or her full potential… . Your adult self is full of wisdom, and trusts and acts on your intuition. Let this adult you come closer, and stand together in this place in nature that you so enjoy… . Notice how he or she looks … strong and beautiful, self-assured. Begin to talk with him or her, and ask whatever it is you would like to know about your future self. Notice and take in all that you are shown… . You may see scenes from your future life. Just notice and ask any questions you may have. Reach out and touch this future self, feel the texture and warmth of your adult skin… . Spend two to five minutes asking your questions, experiencing this future self.

“You don’t have to sit on top of a mountain to discover what’s right for you. You always know in your heart what you need to do.”

—LIZ DOLAN, RETIRED ENGLISH TEACHER, WRITER, POET

Then say good-bye to your future self and let her or him return to the future… . Let your adult self go, knowing you can bring her or him back anytime to visit. Now begin again to notice yourself there alone in your favorite place in nature, feeling stronger and more confident about yourself and your future… . Return your awareness to your breath, noticing how it moves in and out. Feel your body on the chair or floor and silently count to ten. Gradually open your eyes and return slowly and fully to the present moment.

Write in your journal about your visit with your future self.

Being yourself is your greatest asset. Spiritual journaling helps you create your self, your destiny, because every time you write (no matter what it is) you bring yourself to the page. You listen to yourself. You focus on who you are and what you want. When you take the time to listen to yourself, you feel connected to what is within you and to what is without.

For five years of my life, my journal was my best friend. I usually hid it under my bed or carried it around in my backpack. When I was scared, which seemed like a lot of the time, I wrote about it. I really wonder if I would be here today if I didn’t keep a journal.

I also collected all sorts of stuff in it—pictures, CD covers, leaves, notes, magazine articles. My journal was more than a friend, actually—it was a part of me, the part that I had to keep alive at all costs. It was like those model babies that they give you at school to practice parenting with. Only this was my soul, and feeding it kept me alive.

—REBEKAH, AGE 20

“We believe in the respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.”

—UNITARIAN PRINCIPLE #7

Your life experiences, your feelings and intuitions, your encounters and mistakes are all part of your soul’s journey and are all part of the Big Design. Right now, this moment, is bound to all the other moments in your life. The more we journal, the more we get a view of our life’s path, of our soul’s intentions, and of who we are and where we belong.

• Write about being fifteen (no matter what your age now).
• Write about the age you wish you were.
• Write a letter to your future self. It can be for your next birthday or some date in the next five years. It can be to yourself when you are away at college. Write about your wishes right now, and include a couple of questions you have about yourself and your life. Include those things that are getting your attention. What are you spending your time and energy on? Who are your friends, and why? Have you been disappointed lately? Try to fill at least two pages.
• Seal the envelope, and on the outside write the date when you want yourself to open it. You can simply keep it in your journal or tucked away in a drawer. Or (and this can be fun) give it to someone who you trust will send it to you on the date written on the envelope. It can be quite remarkable to get a letter from yourself.
• Write to a past self that was hurting and could have used your wisdom and love.

“All things have inner meaning and form and power.”

—HOPI WISDOM

Small Acts Make a Big Difference

A man was jogging down the beach after a major storm had just come through the area. He was dismayed by the huge number of starfish that the storm had washed up on the beach. He thought that there was nothing he could do because of the immense numbers. As he continued down the beach he saw an old man throw something into the water. As he got closer, he saw the old man walk a little farther down the beach, bend over, pick up a starfish, and throw it back into the water. As the jogger approached, the old man stopped again, bent over, picked up another starfish, and was about to throw it into the water. The jogger stopped and asked, “Why are you doing that? There are thousands of starfish on the beach. You can’t possibly make a difference.” The old man looked at the starfish, threw it back into the water, and then replied, “I made a difference to that one, didn’t I?”

—adapted from The Star Thrower by Loren Eisely (1907–77), anthropologist, writer, journal keeper

We don’t have to make a big difference to make a real difference. Consider the following true story.

One day, a depressed young woman went for a walk. She left behind in her room a suicide note, written in her journal, that expressed how unloved she felt. Recently a close friend of hers had gone into the hospital because of a drug addiction, her mother and father were considering divorce, and she was doing very poorly in school. She was in a lot of pain and wanted the pain to stop.

She decided that she was going to throw herself off a bridge. She walked for about half a mile to a bridge traveled by many cars and pedestrians. It was the end of a busy workday for most people and she passed by many stressed-out and unhappy faces. This made her feel worse and even more hopeless.

As she approached the center of the bridge, a man with a briefcase was coming toward her. He, too, looked tired. She saw that he still had his tie on as their paths were about to cross. They caught each other’s eyes and the man smiled a big, wide smile, right at her, and said, “Why, hello.” She felt his smile and greeting pour like warm sunshine right into her heart.

When she returned home that night she wrote a note in her journal: “If God could find a way to send me an angel to smile at me, I can find a way not to give up.”

“With all things and in all things, we are relatives.”

—SIOUX WISDOM

Sometimes it just takes a smile; remembering and saying someone’s name; writing a thank-you note; following through on a promise; calling a friend who is sick. Life is mostly made up of small, real differences. It is all the small ingredients that go into making our favorite dessert that make it such a treat. Without even one ingredient, it might not be edible, much less tasty. Small matters.

• Make a list of ways you can make a difference.
• Write about who has made a difference for you lately.

Off the Page

Take this idea into the world now. How can you make a small difference today? Go ahead and make this difference and then write about it tonight.