Spiritual Journaling

The beauty was dimmed when the sadness welled up. And the beauty would be there again when the sadness went. So the beauty and the sadness belonged together somehow.”

For the past twenty-five years I have been in the process of writing books. If rejection were a deterrent for me, I would not be a published author. In fact rejection and creativity go hand in hand. Rejection, as it turns out, brings to me the people, events, and places that are most crucial to my success. It can do the same for you.

“After the final no there comes a Yes and upon that Yes the future world depends.”

—WALLACE STEVENS, 20TH-CENTURY AMERICAN POET

In 1989 I went in search of a publisher for my first book. Three years later, and after hundreds of rejections (I could wallpaper my house with rejection slips), I got a nibble from a good publishing house. I worked with an editor for three months revising the manuscript. The next step was for the editorial board to approve the project. They all gave it thumbs up. They sent it on to the president of the publishing house—and he rejected the manuscript. He even went so far as to reject the entire concept of the book. So, after five years spent writing the initial manuscript, three years of rejections, and three months of rewrites, I decided to send it out just one more time. I made it clear to Spirit, the Great Unknown, that this was my last attempt. If my book was meant to be published, this was the time for a YES. If it was not accepted, then it was time to give up. Within a month, I came into my office at work and found a pink message slip that let me know Doubleday had called. They accepted my manuscript, and my life as a published author began.

Every rejection I have ever had (from boys, friends, publishers, teachers, family, organizations) led me to something greater, something bigger, something better. When we understand our rejections as pointers, as road signs directing us another way, we find ourselves in a place we are truly meant to be.

Many of my clients often mistake times of abundance as a “sure sign” that God or the universe is somehow working with them; that the spirits are pleased. In contrast, they experience lean times, or times of rejection, as the universe somehow working against them. You may not appreciate your rejections (as I have come to), but you can take the view that what appears as a rejection is only a way for you to get to that more ideal place; a way for you to connect with something greater. Rejections are a favor from the universe.

“At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done, then they begin to hope it can be done, then they see it can be done—then it is done and all the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago.”

—FROM THE SECRET GARDEN BY FRANCES HODGSON BURNETT, ENGLISH WRITER

“The night wind with the big dark curves of the night sky in it, the night wind gets inside of me and understands all my secrets.”

—CARL SANDBURG, AMERICAN POET AND AUTHOR

Offer your thanks to all those who have rejected you and to those in the future who will say no to you. If not for them, you might have lingered longer in a place that was not meant for you.

I cannot have Michael. He is going out with a good friend of mine. And I am involved with someone else, too. But Michael and I seem so perfect for one another. He respects me and I just enjoy myself when I am around him. I dream about him. I guess it is okay that I can’t have him but the not having seems to make me think of him more and more. This bothers me to write this down. What if someone reads it? It upsets me to read it even though it is in my own head. I guess it makes it more real. I can’t have a picture cell phone, either. I think I want what I can’t have instead of being happy with what I do have. I’d better burn this journal when I’m done with it!

What I want and cannot have is too much to mention and too appalling to put down in writing.

Midway on our life’s journey, I found myself In dark woods, the right road lost.

“There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.”

—WILLA CATHER, AMERICAN NOVELIST

Any time I have taken someone else’s path as my own, the mistakes I make are much more difficult to deal with. However, when I align with what feels true and right for myself, the difficulties I encounter on my own path are much more manageable. This is because when problems arise from my own choices and ideas they are truly mine to handle. When I give myself up to someone else’s choices, I end up dealing with their trouble.

Have you ever let someone else make a choice for you that didn’t really feel right? Like letting a friend make up your mind about who to go out with? Why is it so important to this other person that you do what they want? Has anyone tried to recruit you into their religious institution or their political cause? Have they used scare tactics to try to convince you? You may benefit from the ideas and suggestions of others, but in the end it is your path, your life.

I didn’t really like the guy too much. And until my friend set us up, he didn’t have much interest in me either. But she thought it would be really cool because her boyfriend and he were best friends. I cannot believe I have spent two and a half years with this guy doing things I really didn’t want to do.

Finally, my mom kept asking me why I seemed so down all the time. She was worried about me. I read through my journals from the time I started going out with Peter and read how unhappy I was. I connected the dots and decided even if it meant I would lose a friend, I was going to break up with Peter. It was easier than I thought, and I didn’t lose my girlfriend. But I am going back to doing some things I liked before, like riding lessons. And honestly, the boredom and sadness I feel at times is much better than the depression and headaches I had before. If you find yourself sad a lot or confused, read through your even if it meant I would lose a friend, I was going to break up with Peter. It was easier than I thought, and I didn’t lose my girlfriend. But I am going back to doing some things I liked before, like riding lessons. And honestly, the boredom and sadness . I feel at times is much better than the depression and headaches I had before. If you find yourself sad a lot or confused, read through your journal—you might find the answer there. And don’t let anyone else pick your friends for you.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.”

—JAMES THURBER, AMERICAN WRITER, HUMORIST, CARTOONIST

The moment I was told I would burn in hell if I didn’t join them, I dropped them. I admit to feeling a little scared—why did they push this hell thing so much? But very quickly this threat of being left alone (left behind), this threat that I wouldn’t belong anywhere good, even in the afterlife, if I didn’t follow them, was seen for what it was—scare tactics to recruit members. This just didn’t feel right. So, I ignored them and found new friends.

—LUCIA, AGE 18, WHO JOINED A CHURCH THAT DOESN’T USE FEAR TO KEEP HER COMING BACK

Off the Page

Attend the religious service of a faith other than your own, just to educate yourself on what else is available.

I don’t remember exactly what time the first plane hit the World Trade Center, because I didn’t hear about what happened until about 9 a.m. that day. I was only a freshman in high school, and first period was relatively isolated in the band hall. By the time I found out what was happening, everyone was freaking out. There had been cryptic messages over the intercom from the principal. Frantic phone calls from our teacher’s husband. My fellow students tried to explain. Everyone had a different theory. Everyone had heard part of the truth, but not the entire story. I decided that they were probably mistaken. Nothing as bad as what they were imagining could have happened. Impossible.

“The needle that pierces may carry a thread that binds you to heaven.”

—FROM THE DICTIONARY OF THE BIBLE BY JAMES HASTINGS, SCHOLAR AND PASTOR

Our teacher suddenly began to cry. Her husband was relating the news reports to her over the phone. We all watched as she found pictures on the Internet and turned her monitor around to show us. Smoke was coming out of the side of a tall building. She pointed to the middle of it and said that it was a plane.

The pictures kept coming. More smoke. A second plane. And then suddenly, no more towers. I didn’t understand. Wasn’t it an accident?

It seemed so far removed from me. I would hear people say that we should all be enraged about this attack upon our people. I sure wasn’t enraged. I didn’t know anyone who died, or who was hurt. I didn’t know anyone in New York. Texas seemed a world away from the rest of the United States. I began to wonder if I was the type of citizen that I should be. Should I care more? Was something wrong with me? Sure, I realized what a horrible thing it was, and I was sad that it happened, and I thought that we should respond.

I came to the conclusion that I’m probably not alone. I think that a lot of Americans are confused about what happened on 9/11, confused about the image our country holds in other countries. Confused about the direction we are going. 9/11 was my introduction to following current events and politics. You could say that I began to pay attention because maybe Texas isn’t all that far from everything and everyone else.

Stefanie Peters lives in Texas and is studying literature. She is currently working on her novella Lady Gypsy. More information on Stefanie and her writing can be found at www.stefaniepeters.com.

“When I dare to be powerful—to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

—AUDRE LORDE, AFRICAN-AMERICAN POET AND ACTIVIST

“There’s a lot of hope and a lot of faith and love mixed up in a miracle.”

—MEINDERT DEJONG, CHILDREN’S AUTHOR

My personal 9/11 is when my parents separated. Even though I know it happens to fifty percent of marriages, they seemed to get along okay. I thought they loved each other. Everything changed the day my dad moved into his own apartment. I felt like I was truly clueless about what was going on around me. I felt hollow but had to pretend I wasn’t surprised.

My personal 9/11? I don’t have one. Does everyone have to have one? I feel very fortunate that my life has been good, safe, no big tragedies. But I feel both a little bit guilty and a little bit scared.

“All writers, I think, are, to one extent or another, damaged people. Writing is our way of repairing ourselves.”

—J. ANTHONY LUKAS, AMERICAN AUTHOR

Sometimes it is just plain hard to be alive. Sometimes we think all we can do is give up, be discouraged. Even though the soul can (and does) go into hiding, it can never ever be destroyed completely. That is why I say never give up, because that ember that is the spark to your entire being is there (although it may be buried beneath a lot of rubble).

Sometimes instead of giving up we just need to rest, take a break, not make any big decisions. Consider this excerpt from Joseph Le Conte’s “A Journal of Ramblings through the High Sierras of California,” which relates the adventures of a university professor and a group of students on a backcountry camping trip in 1870.

Heavy clouds have been gathering for some time past. Low mutterings of thunder have also been heard. But we had already been so accustomed to the same, without rain, in the Yosemite, that we thought nothing of it. We had already saddled, and some had mounted, when the storm burst upon us. ‘Our provisions—sugar, tea, salt, flour—must be kept dry!’ shouted Hawkins. We hastily dismounted, constructed a sort of shed of blankets and Indian-rubber cloths, and threw our provisions under it. Now commenced peal after peal of thunder in an almost continuous roar, and floods of rain. We all crept under the temporary shed, but not before we had gotten pretty well soaked. So much delayed that we were now debating—after the rain—whether we had not better remain here overnight. Some were urgent for pushing on, others equally so for staying.

Just at this juncture, when the debate ran high, a shout, “Hurrah!” turned all eyes in the same direction. Hawkins and Mr. Muir had scraped up the dry leaves underneath a huge prostrate tree, set fire and piled on fuel, and already, see!—a glorious blaze! This incident decided the question at once. With a shout, we ran for fuel, and piled on log after log, until the blaze rose twenty feet high. Before, shivering, crouching, and miserable; now joyous and gloriously happy.

My thoughts and feelings are confusing … overwhelming. My spoken words, many times, just don’t seem to come out right. I’m uncertain, unclear. Some-times, when I journal, I start out just ranting, which is usually equally unclear. But most of the time, there’s that ONE CLEAR THOUGHT that jumps from the page to tell me something about my situation or myself. That thought stands out so clear that when I look back on it, it hardly seems like the words came from within ME. I think when I write I access a deeper, clearer wisdom. I think if I took away all my emotional baggage, my fears and anxieties, the people who hurt me, the procrastination, the lies I tell myself, the things I haven’t learned yet, the behaviors I need to change—if you stripped all that away, I think you’d see my core. The person I’m looking for when I try to “find myself.” I know sometimes, that person whispers these words to me and I write them down.

“Follow your image as far as you can. Push yourself.”

—NIKKI GIOVANNI, AFRICAN-AMERICAN POET

Off the Page

Find a wilderness camp you can go to, or an expedition you can join.

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

—CARL JUNG, SWISS PSYCHOANALYST

The essential characteristic of a spiritual life (no matter what the religious focus) is that our problems become the very place to discover wisdom and love. From there, all the juicy stuff comes to us, creating a way for us to improve our lives and ourselves and to open our hearts even more. It is the fire in the lotus. The difficulties in our lives often make us who we are. It is the sand in the oyster shell that makes the pearl. Everyday trials hold this gift, this potential of waking up our hearts and making our lives better. Happiness is not about having or not having problems; it is about how we respond to them.

Both the spiritual life and the writer’s life show you many ways to open up and learn from all your circumstances, rather than fight them, avoid them, or insist things progress a certain way. Typically, we think our problems are outside of ourselves … out there somewhere, caused by someone else—therefore, out of our reach to change and transform. But so often, difficulty really arises from our response to a given problem, not the problem itself.

Your difficulties require your most compassionate attention. Inner independence is born out of your ability to work with any energy or challenge that arises.

In every conflict there are dreams trying to come true. Pick a conflict that seems to repeat in your life. Do you know what it is you are wanting, dreaming about, in this situation? A conflict is two dreams of a perfect world colliding with each other. You may think that your bedroom would look fantastic in purple and black; your parents say lavender. And there is the conflict—you dream of purple and black walls; they dream of lavender. There is nothing inherently wrong here, just two different ideas of how something should look. You will find this to be the case with most conflicts: good people trying to have things go their way. It helps in such situations to spend some time considering: what might the other person’s dream be?

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

—ELEANOR ROOSEVELT (1884–1962), FORMER FIRST LADY, ACTIVIST, AND HUMANITARIAN

My mom and I fight about whether she can leave me alone at home. Her dream, I realize, is for me to be safe, to not rush into anything stupid. It is also for her not to be stressed all the time about what I am doing. The dream for me is to be trusted and to feel close to my mother while also feeling independent. Actually this exercise helps out a lot—I realize I am mostly focused on what I want, and why I want it. And I can only see that she is trying to stop me from getting what I want. I want her to trust me. And I see her dream in this conflict is to know and trust I will be safe.

“If evolution was worth its salt, it should’ve evolved something better than ‘survival of the fittest.’ I think a better idea would be ‘survival of the wittiest.’ At least, that way, creatures that didn’t survive could’ve died laughing.”

—THE CHARACTER TRUDY IN THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE BY JANE WAGNER, COMEDY WRITER

One hot summer day a lion and a boar arrived to drink at the same pool of water. They soon began to argue over who should drink first, and they ended up getting into a bloody fight. The fight became quite gruesome, with each animal receiving dreadful bites and scratches from the other.

All tired out, they stopped to catch their breath. While resting, the lion and the boar saw some vultures flying above. The vultures’ mouths were watering as they wondered which of the two would end up a corpse on the ground.

At this point the two fighting looked at each other and decided to stop their bloody battle.

“It would be better to be friends and share some water,” they said to each other, “than to become tasty morsels for vultures.”

Even on your worst day you are surrounded by things you care about. Many times I have my clients who are depressed write a list in their journal each night of things they appreciate or care about. Sometimes the list is simple, sometimes it is complex. Jessica, who is eighteen, found that she was sad about fewer things than she was happy about: “My appreciation list got bigger when I started to really take the time to journal about those things I cared about each night. It didn’t get rid of my sadness, but it definitely increased my happiness.”

Now take the images and words you’ve conjured up and write a poem. Just let yourself play with it. Add some words if you want, move around the ones that you have, as I did below:

“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience.”

—HENRY MILLER, 20TH-CENTURY AVANT-GARDE AMERICAN AUTHOR

“I put a piece of paper under my pillow, and when I could not sleep I wrote in the dark.”

Writers are told all the time, “Write about your experiences, write about what you know.” And what do we know better than the secrets we keep? It is no accident that every one of my published books, and most of the pages of my journals, hold my secrets. And it is by writing these secrets, these thoughts, these experiences, these ideas, that I am freed to live unburdened. I am set free because secrets get ugly and scary when you keep them in the dark.

“People who have no hopes are easy to control.”

—FROM THE NEVER ENDING STORY BY MICHAEL ENDE, AMERICAN CHILDREN’S AUTHOR

You may not be ready to tell anyone your secrets, so your journal can hold on to them until you are ready. When you do write a secret down or tell someone something you have carried in your heart for a long time, it is let out into the world like a butterfly out of its cocoon. Free to migrate where it wishes. Your secrets will transform right on the page, from shadows wrapped in darkness to delicate, exquisite mosaics of color breaking free and flying into the light.

Often writing a secret that may be painful just to think about is a first step toward letting it take flight. After you have written it down in your journal, you may feel ready to let it go. (See forgiveness on pages 184–89).

My mother has cancer. She has had cancer since I was five, and I am now seventeen. The doctors told her that she would be dead five years ago. She is alive and strong these days. But everything around her is tainted by her cancer, her dying. Every time we get into a fight she reminds me that she has cancer. She reminds me of the song that she is going to have played at her funeral. She reminds me that she is going to die.

This cancer has owned my life. And in so many ways it is less real than anything—something that hangs out there like a lie someone told that won’t go away. My mother runs my life, and her life, by the cancer.

She introduces herself to others with the opening line, “Hi, my name is so and so and I should be dead from cancer.” The really odd thing is, and it is just awful of me to write this, but I truly believe my mother could not live without her cancer. My whole life I’ve only known my mother as a person who has cancer. I don’t even know who my mother would be without it. I would live with my older brother if it weren’t for the cancer—or maybe I want to live with him because of the cancer. All I know is in the center of my life is my mother’s cancer. This is my dark little secret that isn’t really a secret and it really isn’t so little.

“We will wait, for God is in the waiting.”

—ERIC P. KELLY, AMERICAN CHILDREN’S AUTHOR

Off the Page

Go rock climbing (check local sport stores for rock walls). Write about the experience.

—“I FEEL AWFUL” FROM THE COLLECTED POEMS OF FREDDIE THE PIG BY WALTER R. BROOKS, AMERICAN CHILDREN’S AUTHOR

It seems only yesterday I used to believe there was nothing under my skin but light. If you cut me I would shine. But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life, I skin my knees. I bleed.

—FROM THE POEM “TURNING TEN” BY BILLY COLLINS, AMERICAN POET

Sometimes we just want to sit, alone, with our pain and difficulty. So go ahead and sit with it—but get out your pen and paper and WRITE.

Off the Page

Try this remarkable but simple exercise. Find a place in nature that is secluded and safe. Go out about an hour before dusk. Sit in this safe spot until darkness covers you completely. Notice all the sounds and the sights during this time. This time of day/night is considered “spiritually filled” by the Lakota tradition. Notice the feelings you have inside as the light shifts from shadow to dark. What is Spirit filling you with?