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SAFETY 101: HARASSMENT TO RAPE—WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE a vagina, it doesn’t mean that you are a delicate flower that needs to be protected—quite the opposite, actually. Women are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, thank you very much, but to do so you need to know potential safety pitfalls, your rights, and what to watch for so that you can speak up for yourself as well as advocate for others. We’re all in this together, and sisterhood—humanhood—can keep us interacting with one another in a respectful way that promotes safety at home, in the workplace, and beyond.

If you feel like all of this talk about responsibility sounds like we are letting guys off the hook and that the burden for making change falls on women’s shoulders, don’t misunderstand. Men need to check their behaviors, take responsibility for their actions, and speak up for the women and girls in their lives if something is going on that shouldn’t be. We won’t lie: Nothing is more attractive than a guy who says he is a feminist and instead of mansplaining to us about women’s rights, he listens to what we need and want and acts as a true ally. But since this book is primarily for women, we’ll be looking at these issues through that female lens, addressing what women can do to tackle these issues in their lives.

The sad reality is that sexual harassment and sexual assault are issues faced by women on a daily basis. Although they are never the victim’s fault, it is worth learning how you can keep yourself safe, respond appropriately, and educate those around you.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT

Sexual harassment can happen to anyone, and it can happen pretty much anywhere and anytime. It can happen in the workplace, at school, or out on the street. It can happen in the gym, in the grocery store, or at a bar or restaurant. You get the idea—there are really no safe zones.

Smiles are often viewed as a requirement for women. No matter whether she hasn’t had her morning coffee yet or it’s late after a long day, a woman who isn’t smiling will find herself constantly reminded that she is failing to meet societal standards. To add insult to injury, she is reminded to smile by some total stranger on the street. When a man tells a woman to smile, what he is essentially saying is that she needs to change her appearance to please him, regardless of her emotional state. And we are just not having that. While we are at it, can we move that the whole concept of “resting bitch face” be retired? Sure, scientists have proved it’s a real thing,1 but guys have it, too, so the whole name is just sexist. Why must women be labeled bitches if they aren’t smiling? Let’s not grin and bear this one any longer.

STREET HARASSMENT

Sadly, most women have experienced “catcalling”—random strangers on the street making comments that more often than not are sexual. In fact, a recent study that surveyed 16,000 women in 20 countries—the largest study of its kind to date—has shown that a shocking 84 percent of women have been harassed on the street before they even turn 17.2 That girls are experiencing such an invasion so young is heartbreaking. This “attention” can be anything from whistling to graphic comments about a woman’s body or what the commentator would like to do to her. Many a woman has experienced the feeling that simply walking outside invites the comments of every Tom, Dick, or Harry, of being treated like public property when she is simply on her way to work, running errands, meeting friends, or going home. It doesn’t seem to matter the time of day or the attire a woman is wearing. Although, of course, what she is wearing is often given as an excuse or the subject of the comments. Simply being on the street often makes a woman fair game to some men. A lot of guys—and some women—will say that this attention is positive and it’s a compliment to be noticed. They will insist: “Why would you be upset when someone thinks you are hot? It’s a compliment.” But for the majority of women, it feels like a violation and makes them uncomfortable, objectified, and angry. It can also be embarrassing and intimidating.

Being catcalled can get especially uncomfortable when a woman doesn’t react the way the harasser wanted, which is to respond with “Thank you” or to treat the verbal assault as a compliment. Then the guy might start calling her out for being a bitch or being stuck up, or he straight up changes his mind and now yells at her that she is ugly. It can be scary. As annoying as this situation can be, because it usually happens in public and on the street, you can simply keep walking and ignore the dude who thinks he is doing you a favor by telling you have a nice ass. Besides, you will probably never see him again. If a guy starts following you and continuing to go off, it’s time to enlist help by either entering a store and asking for help or getting the attention of those around you, then calling the cops.

The situation gets trickier when a woman knows the person making inappropriate comments and/or has to interact with him on a daily basis.

CARDS AGAINST HARASSMENT

If you have ever wanted to make a clever comeback to someone who is harassing you on the street with catcalls, but you’ve come up empty, these cards are here to come to the rescue. Created by a young woman, the cards explain that a woman being outside walking around shouldn’t be subjected to comments from random strangers. They essentially tell the guy to STFU, but in a creative and intelligent way. Check them out here at www.cardsagainstharassment.com/cards.html.

HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE

It seems like every time we turn on the television or read the news, there is yet another story about a celebrity or bigwig CEO, board member, or boss who has been sexually harassing women in the workplace. Awareness is out there—many employers require training and have strict policies in place to protect against sexual and nonsexual harassment as well, covering race, religion, or comments that are demeaning or discriminatory—but it doesn’t mean the situation has been resolved and that someday you won’t find yourself on the receiving end of unwelcome comments from a boss or coworker.

Your workplace may well hold a comprehensive seminar or training program on what sexual harassment is, lay out the company policy concerning sexual harassment, and provide information on the avenues to report a problem, but unfortunately, many women don’t report an issue for a range of reasons. Sometimes they don’t want to cause a problem or be seen as a troublemaker—after all, they would be reporting their boss, and that would put them in an uncomfortable position, and they worry they won’t be believed or that they will lose their job. People can sometimes start to second-guess themselves and, as time goes on, may begin to believe that they did something to attract the attention. We’ve all heard of so many “he said/she said” situations where what she says is not believed, or she is told she is exaggerating or that she “can’t take a joke,” that it’s easy to understand why someone may hesitate before escalating the issue.

The odd comment from a boss or coworker probably won’t fall under harassment, as the harassment needs to be extensive or severe to be actionable. Sadly, that one comment probably won’t be the last, and the unwelcome remarks or behavior will likely get worse over time. If a male colleague notices or says something about your new haircut or clothing, telling you how nice you look, it is most probably sincere and meant as a compliment. If he wonders aloud what your hair looks like after a night of sex, he’s crossed the line. Especially if he does it consistently. It’s the persistence of his perverse comments that should send you to human resources (HR). That and if he gets physical and grabs or pats your butt or other body parts. Also, if he is your boss or in a position of authority and straight up says, or hints, that you will be rewarded on the job, in terms of a raise, promotion, more interesting work, or a better assignment, if you have sex with him or engage in sexual behavior, that should send you to HR.

Note that although most sexual harassment is older male to younger female, it can also be same sex, and the ages and genders can be reversed. If someone is talking dirty to you, making sexist comments about you, putting their hands on you in a way that is uninvited, making inappropriate comments, or sending inappropriate images or e-mails to you and any or all of this behavior makes you uncomfortable, you need to speak up.

Sometimes the lines are not completely clear. What if someone makes an off-color joke? What if you don’t agree about what is, or is not, offensive? In the case of behavior or comments being up to interpretation, your company policy should lay out what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in the office or workplace. You can go to your boss with concerns or questions. You can let the person know that you don’t like that type of joke or that you find what was said offensive. They may not tell that type of joke or make those comments in your presence again, which is great, but if they continue because they know it bothers you, then there is a real problem.

We all know someone who has had an office romance, so what happens when coworkers flirt with one another? Does this mean that there is no room in this world for dating someone from the job? Not at all, although you may want to check your company’s policy regarding dating in the workplace before getting involved with a coworker. The flirting that happens in a relationship that starts on the job is usually mutual and doesn’t cause either party discomfort or make them feel unsafe at work. Although we will caution that if things don’t work out, you will need to see and work with this person after the breakup, which could be awkward—something to take into consideration before things go too far.

So what do you do if a boss, coworker, or client is harassing you? The best approach is to be calm and firm and tell them, “Please don’t talk to me like that. I find it offensive.” Or “Please don’t touch me like that.” It’s important that you make it clear that their language and behavior is unwelcome. Laughing it off or saying nothing can be interpreted as going along with the interaction. Then go back to your desk and document the who, what, when, and where of what has just occurred. Use as much detail as possible regarding the language the harasser used. If the behavior continues, add the subsequent incidents to your document; then you will have something specific to take to human resources. You want to be able to demonstrate that the way this person is treating you is a pattern that has continued over time and has made your work environment uncomfortable, if not hostile. While hostile may sound like a strong term, you don’t want to spend your days at work wondering if he is going to make some lewd comment or cause you to feel discomfort or embarrassment. It’s difficult to do your job well when you are stressed about something like this.

It’s important to make a complaint to HR with your documentation. It is their responsibility to put a stop to the behavior and protect you from the unwanted attention. And if the situation requires that you go beyond the workplace for it to be resolved—in other words: lawsuit—you will have documented the things he has said and done to you if you choose to speak to a lawyer.3 (See Resources for links to further information.)

Workplace Bullying

Being hassled at work isn’t always sexual harassment—you may simply be bullied. Unfortunately, many women find themselves in this situation on the job, and the sad news is that they are often the victim of another woman. So much for solidarity in the workplace! The boss who steals your ideas, belittles you in front of colleagues, yells, insults you, and does so on a regular basis is a bully. Being bullied is a terrible situation to be in because—on top of feeling completely beaten down and insulted—it can seem as if there is nothing you can do, particularly if it is someone who is a direct boss or your superior.

Although it can be difficult to keep your cool in the middle of a barrage of bullying, you can try to defuse situations by weathering the storm and focusing on discernable, actionable work-related issues that are being thrown at you amid the abuse and let the boss know how you will solve those problems. Try to keep coming back to these issues during your interactions. If you are being sniped at by a boss or colleague—as in she ignores you, belittles you, humiliates you in front of others, cuts you out of meetings, or engages in the type of behavior that gives you flashbacks to the mean girls of middle school—you can calmly speak to her and ask her to stop what she is doing. Calling her out on her behavior may be enough to get her to lay off. If, in either case, nothing changes, then you can go to HR—with the same sort of documentation of what’s been going on that you would bring in a sexual harassment situation—and sit down to try to talk through the issue and find a solution. Bullying is not illegal, but HR may be able to step in and clear the air between you and a coworker, and they should be able to intervene if a boss is mistreating you. If the situation is so bad you need to change teams or positions, you will need HR’s help.

HASSLED WHILE WORKING OUT

If you run or walk for exercise, you have probably experienced the same sort of catcalls that many women receive for simply being out in public. It’s unpleasant at any time, but you may feel more vulnerable when you are wearing workout clothes and someone catcalls or makes comments about your appearance. The best approach is probably to ignore the person and continue on your run or walk. Keep an eye out for your surroundings and note where you can change your path to disconnect if someone continues to hassle you or make comments. There are those who tell women never to run alone, but following that advice can set up a roadblock to your ability to exercise if you can’t find someone to go with you. Besides, you may enjoy running or walking solo. You need to decide for yourself what is safe. Yes, you should be able to exercise outside without fear of being bothered, but there are creeps out there, so keep an eye out and remember your safety is more important than getting in that last mile of your run. Keep your phone with you so if you need to call for help or just to let a friend or partner know where you are, you can.

In the gym, you may receive unwelcome comments. Some people will say that you are trying to get in shape, so what’s the big deal if someone makes a comment about the body you are obviously working so hard to get to look good? Well, much depends on how that comment makes you feel, how often it happens, and if the attention is unwelcome. Because the commenter may be someone who you see on the regular because your gym schedules are the same, it’s worth responding with a “Please don’t say that. It makes me uncomfortable.” The person may go on the defensive and claim the comment was only meant as a compliment. But if you are polite and hold your ground, you should be okay. If the person persists, then you can speak to the gym management about it. This approach of deflecting and then reporting also goes for an instructor who is inappropriate with language or touch. Certainly, personal trainers or instructors likely need to touch you to adjust your alignment or form while you are working out or to make comments on your body or fitness, but there is a difference between positive reinforcement for the work you have done and a comment that has a sexual connotation. You will also know if they are making physical contact to correct positioning or of they are lingering in that contact unnecessarily. If you don’t say something, it is likely to continue. If, when you do say something, the person continues to be inappropriate, then you need to speak to their manager. Silence can invite continued behavior. It does seem unfair that the burden to address the situation falls on your shoulders—why doesn’t anyone tell these people what is and isn’t appropriate behavior?—but if you don’t speak up, it won’t stop.

HARASSMENT ONLINE

If your workplace and gym are chill and everyone respects one another, then you are in a very good place. But let’s say that after dodging dudes on the street asking you to smile, you reach the sanctuary of your home and find that your phone is blowing up because your ex posted those tasteful nudes you took for him on Reddit when he was out of town. The breakup wasn’t super bad, but he clearly is still pissed and is trying to hurt you online. Welcome to the world of “revenge porn.” Know that if he posts naked images of you without your permission, that is called nonconsensual porn. Yes, porn. Sadly, there are sites that post revenge porn, and your photos and information may appear on these public sites without your permission. Explicit photos and images can be offered for sale on marketplaces on the Dark Web. Even worse, some sites will ask for a fee to take down photos posted without your permission—which is illegal, not to mention repulsive. Unfortunately, if the information or images go viral, the damage has probably already been done, as the naked or explicit pictures of you may have already been seen by multiple people—including employers, friends, colleagues, and family members.

If you are the victim of invasion of privacy, revenge porn, or online harassment, you should consult with a lawyer to see what steps you can take—laws vary state by state regarding these issues. In the meantime, it is best to document what has been put out there with the URL of the site, the date, and as much information as you can put together, including screen shots or printouts of the material. Your instinct will be to try to delete it, ignore it, and hope it will all go away, but it won’t. Having backup and all the information documented will help if you pursue legal action, and it will also be valuable when you take action to get the information taken down from any relevant Web site. Web sites have varying policies on content that they will not allow or that they will take down, so you’ll likely need to reach out to each site’s administrator individually.

While it can be easy to walk on by if someone on the street catcalls you, it is much harder to walk away if the harassment is online. A troll who makes a nasty comment on a public forum is easy to ignore. But someone who is targeting you can reach you via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter: anywhere and everywhere you use social media. Because being connected is usually an essential part of your work and your social life—you can’t completely disconnect from the Internet to get away from someone who is harassing you—you have to take swift action. If you are the victim of stalking, sexual harassment, or threats via e-mail on social media, you should document the material and report it to the company where the material appears (like Facebook, Twitter, etc.) as well as speak with your local law enforcement. Local laws vary, but it’s worth reaching out to the police so that you have documentation of the threats and the issue. Should you need to seek out a restraining order, you will have materials to back up your request.4 (See Resources for sources of information on the practical and legal issues for dealing with abuse online.)

If someone is heaping sexist, racist, threatening abuse on you on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram, here are some steps to take.

Another approach for documenting online abuse is to go to HeartMob, a site where you can report abuse and ask for assistance and advice (https://iheartmob.org).

Sometimes it is hard to determine who is doing the bullying online, as comments and posts can be anonymous or are put out under a pseudonym. Often, disengaging with that particular poster can stop the problem: They, like most bullies, want to get a reaction, and if their actions don’t achieve the desired effect, they move on. But it is always best to report the bullying so that the offenders can’t just target their next victim. If you speak up, you may save someone else from the type of bullying you experienced.

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Time to get super obvious, but it bears saying: No one should ever hit you, punch you, push you, grab you, or physically abuse you. No one should ever scream at you, constantly criticize you, demean you, or verbally abuse you. A healthy relationship has no room for physical or emotional abuse. None.

Unfortunately, abuse in relationships is pretty common. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), nearly one in four women (22.3 percent) and one in seven men (14.0 percent) age 18 and older have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime in the United States.5

Abuse can take an enormous toll on anyone. It affects mental and physical health, work, families, relationships, finances—essentially all aspects of life. Abusive situations can be complicated. Your partner may be all hearts and flowers at the beginning of your relationship or their intense attention can seem flattering, but it can gradually emerge that they are manipulative and controlling. While it can seem logical to cut and run, it can be difficult to extract yourself from a situation where there is or has been some good and where you have made a commitment. Abusers are often great at making their partners feel beholden to them, sometimes by controlling the finances, or their partners can feel trapped, because after all the abuser’s partner has made a choice and letting the world know they chose an abusive person would be humiliating. Some abusers are very good at manipulating the truth and denying things they have said or done. In many cases, the woman genuinely loves her partner and feels he can change or believes him when he says he won’t abuse her anymore. Some women stay in a bad situation because they fear angering their partner and worry about retaliation against them—or their children, if there are any in the relationship.

RED FLAGS

When you first meet them, abusers can be charming, intense, and attentive and seem like the greatest thing that ever happened to you. At first, the need to be with you constantly and that little bit of jealousy can be flattering, but when the intensity is turned up, your partner can turn on you. Warning signs that a partner could potentially become abusive include:6, 7

If these red flags emerge, no matter if it is early in the relationship or years into a long-term situation, you need to speak to someone and get some help—a friend; a coworker; a minister, priest, rabbi, or imam; a hotline. It can be difficult to make a break, especially if you care for the person and have been with them for a long time, but it is worth it for your safety. The most important thing to know is that, no matter what your partner says, the abuse is not your fault.

Getting safe and getting help could mean planning ahead to have money stashed or setting up in advance for a safe place to go—a friend or coworker whom your partner doesn’t know is a potential option—documenting any injuries/incidents and having duplicates of things like medications or glasses stashed at work or your friend’s in case you need to make a quick decision to leave.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

The pain emotional abuse inflicts is less visible, but it can take a major toll on your self-worth and your psyche. If your partner uses words as weapons and you are the target, you can sometimes feel as if they are justified in what they say—maybe not at first, but as time goes on, their name-calling and blaming can build up, and they can be very convincing that you are flawed and always at fault.

Emotional abuse can be silent, as in your partner giving you the silent treatment or avoiding contact of any kind as punishment for your perceived transgressions. A woman can find herself walking on eggshells so as not to set off her partner or going to great lengths to orchestrate everything—including the way she dresses, talks, or behaves as well as who she spends time with—to prevent her partner from blowing up. It may never get physical, but this sort of behavior is still abusive and toxic.

Everyone gets angry and yells once in a while. If a partner blows up on occasion, it is not necessarily verbal abuse. It’s when there is constant yelling that there is a problem. It’s the frequency that matters, not the volume. In fact, verbal abuse doesn’t have to entail yelling at all or need to be done loudly. It can be as subtle as a whisper powerful enough to undermine your confidence with constant name-calling or threats. Often, people will find themselves in a verbally abusive situation because they were verbally abused in their childhood, even if they may not realize that they were verbally abused, so any shame and criticism heaped on them by a partner feels familiar and possibly deserved—except that it isn’t. The legacy can be passed on to children as well. Someone who is verbally abused is prone to suffering from anxiety or depression. The impact of the abuse can be far-reaching into all relationships and work situations—the abuse can make a woman feel as if she is not worthy of love, friendships, or success. The good news is that you can get beyond the abuse, learn what a healthy relationship is like, and develop new positive relationships.

Breaking free will take effort as well as support from friends or a women’s shelter or therapist. It’s not easy—especially if the messages of inadequacy have been internalized—but it can be done.

SEXUAL ASSAULT OR RAPE?

The two terms are often used interchangeably and sometimes sexual assault is used in place of the word rape to soften the description of what happened. Sexual assault is the general term for any unwanted sexual behavior, and rape is reserved for forced sexual penetration.

SEXUAL ASSAULT

The statistics on sexual assault do not paint a pretty picture:

Do these stats mean that you need to hide away and never go out, never have a drink, never go on a date? No. Locking yourself up in a room isn’t the solution. One thing that may help is raising awareness about what sexual assault and rape are, what consent is, what women can do to prevent themselves from being assaulted, and what actions they can take if they are raped or assaulted. Raising awareness can also empower bystanders to give assistance if a woman is in a bad situation.

The consent thing seems pretty easy, right? No means no. End of story. But as we’ve seen from multiple news reports and court cases, it’s apparently not that clear-cut. Culturally, we often engage in victim blaming (which not only keeps women from reporting assault but also makes women feel that they somehow caused what happened to them). Questions that come up after an assault are often along these lines: What was she wearing? Was she drunk? Had she been out with him before? What time was it? Did they just meet that night? The big question that isn’t often asked is: Why did he assault her? A lot more time seems to be spent on how women can avoid being raped—don’t run alone, don’t let someone get you a drink, don’t leave your drink unattended on the bar—than in teaching people what sexual assault is, what consent is, and telling them not to rape. The truth is that all nonconsensual sex is sexual assault. If someone is not able to agree to having sex or is physically forced to have sex or is pressured to have sex or is guilted into having sex—it is not right, and that person is being violated. Not only is it not right, it’s illegal. Additionally, if someone stands by, sees a sexual assault, and does nothing, that is not right. Someone who is unconscious cannot consent to sex. Someone who is completely intoxicated cannot consent to sex. If someone says yes to sex on Tuesday, they can say no on Wednesday. If someone is sexually active, it doesn’t mean that they want to have sex with anyone and everyone at any time. It’s always their choice to say yes or no, and that yes or no needs to be respected. They have the right to change their mind.

Bottom line: If consent is not or cannot be given, it is assault.

The important takeaway here is that consent is a choice that you make regarding engaging in sexual behavior with someone. If you have not given your consent, then you have been assaulted.

There is a scary form of sexual assault called “stealthing,” which is nonconsensual condom removal. In other words, you have agreed to use a condom for sex, but he sneakily removes the condom at some point during sex and continues bareback, opening you up to potential risk for STIs or pregnancy.9 Just because you said yes to sex at first, when he took off that condom, intentionally deceiving you, the act became sexual assault.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN RAPED OR ASSAULTED

Get to a safe space. A friend. Home. A doctor. A hospital. The police. Resist the urge to change your clothes, shower, or clean yourself, as you may need to have a sexual assault forensic exam, also known as a “rape kit,” taken so there is physical and medical evidence of what has happened to you on file, including DNA evidence from your body and clothing. Even if you don’t want to report the rape to police or legal authorities or you are unsure, it is a good idea to seek medical attention to assess your health, be sure you are physically okay, discuss any risk for sexually transmitted infections or for pregnancy, and preserve any evidence that might be useful in the future. Call a hotline or a friend for support and try to record as many details as you can remember so that if you do decide to take legal action, you have the incident documented carefully. As difficult as it may be to seek medical care and report the rape to the police, it is very important to do it. Women have said that they felt ashamed and scared after being assaulted, and they wanted nothing more than for it to be over and to not be reminded of it or think about it ever again, but if someone commits assault it is likely they will do it again. Women have also stated that going through the process of reporting the crime can help them move from being a victim to being a survivor.

That being said, the system does not always work in a woman’s favor. Rape culture and victim blaming can make it difficult for women to come forward and speak up and take action over what has happened to them. There have been multiple incidents in recent years where a rapist has not been prosecuted to the full extent of the law or that inaction of local law enforcement or, in the case of college campuses, administrations have not been supportive or taken decisive action when a woman has been assaulted. This lack of action certainly can take a toll on a woman who has been raped or attacked and who wants to get help and see that the attacker is found and held responsible for his actions. It can also discourage women from speaking up because they fear they will be blamed, not believed, and will be retraumatized if they have to go through the courts or report the attack to campus administrators.

Unfortunately, lack of funding, lack of time, and lack of resources have left many rape kits untested in storage in police departments and crime labs across the country. This limits the ability of a woman to prosecute an attacker, and it also diminishes the ability of law enforcement to find a repeat offender. An organization called End the Backlog (www.endthebacklog.org) seeks to raise awareness for the issue as well as to promote legislation and policies that will get the kits tested and get the evidence that the kits will provide.

Many women, following an assault or rape, are fearful of intimacy, being alone, being in a crowd, going near the location of their assault. Many suffer from PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder). The stress of the attack can cause anxiety, sleep disorders, or panic attacks, and these can be triggered by being in an intimate situation, seeing someone who looks like the attacker, or being near where the assault took place. Some women turn to alcohol or drugs to numb their feelings or to blot out their intrusive memories of what happened.

Rape or assault takes a devastating toll. But there is help. Multiple hotlines and groups specialize in information and support for women (see Resources). For some women, simply talking about what happened to them helps. With the statistics about assault and rape the way they are, the odds point to a woman finding a friend who has been assaulted or who knows someone who has been assaulted.

Talking about assault and rape and bringing these issues out into the open can help reduce the shame and stigma surrounding sexual assault. And it can help clear the air for conversations about how these assaults can be prevented. It can encourage and support education and discussion about how to keep these incidents from happening. Confiding in someone and finding support can also be extremely helpful in working through the aftermath of the trauma. Healing from any trauma can take time, and a trauma that is so physically and emotionally violating will need ample time and support for healing to take place. Seeking out help is not a sign of weakness; rather, it is a sign that you are strong enough to take the necessary steps to help yourself.

HELPING A FRIEND

If a friend has been raped, help her get the medical attention she needs. Listen, believe, and encourage her to speak with someone—a hotline or support group—but do not force her to do so. Maintain her confidentiality, and don’t tell anyone unless she says it is okay. If she wants to report the incident, support her and help her do so, but do not push her if she does not want to make a report. Keep listening. Let her tell you what she needs and when, even if it’s hard and her decision is not the one you think that you would make in her place.

INTIMACY AFTER AN ASSAULT

Feeling sexual or deriving pleasure from sex can be challenging if you are a survivor of assault or rape. You may need to relearn how to allow yourself to feel pleasure. One thing you can to is to put yourself in control of how you experience pleasure by masturbating and to allow yourself to feel pleasure from self-love. You can explore safely without any outside pressure or judgment.

If you have been assaulted or raped, then the idea of being intimate with a partner can be difficult. As with all things in relationships, communication can help clear the way to making a healthy connection with your partner and one that feels safe for you. Letting a new partner know that you are a survivor of rape is a first step in being straightforward and clear in the relationship. You may also want to share if there are ways that you do not want to be touched or positions or situations you are going to pass on because they will remind you of your assault. You will heal, but it can take some time for you to feel safe and fulfilled in your sex life.

If you are fortunate enough to never have been bullied, catcalled, abused, or assaulted, there is still much you can do for friends, family, or strangers who have been through the unthinkable. Volunteer, vote, and lend your time and, if possible, your financial support to organizations that give shelter, advice, and assistance to women who need it.