But the other people who helped inspire and motivate me are priceless. Except for my agents and lawyer. They cost about 15 percent. Still not as much as my food bill though. Instead of just listing all the people who I want to thank, I decided it would be more fun if I gave their name, their role in the process, and what celebrity they remind me of. So here we go. Let’s hope I don’t end up offending everyone I’m thankful for. I already do enough of that at Thanksgiving when I let everyone know that “I’m most thankful I live an hour away from most of my family members.” Ya, doesn’t always get the laugh I’m going for.
Sarah Branham |
My Editor |
Nicole Kidman if she was younger and could move her face. |
Judith Curr |
My Publisher |
Rachael Zoe if she had a healthy BMI and an accent. Judith has a great wardrobe. |
Carolyn Reidy |
President & CEO of Simon & Schuster |
Hillary Clinton. She’s so powerful. So smart. I want to be her. |
Haley Weaver |
Editorial Assistant |
Lindsay Lohan if she made better choices. |
Ariele Fredman |
My Publicist |
That dog from Air Bud. Not the looks, just the essence. Hopeful. Loyal. A LOT of energy. |
Jackie Jou |
My Marketing Manager |
Simba from The Lion King. Once again, not the looks. Just the essence. Feisty. Sweet. Spontaneous dancing. |
Brent Weinstein |
My Agent |
A guy from the Food Network, but I don’t remember his name at the moment. I think it’s a show where he cooks for people in prison. |
Natalie Novak |
My Agent |
Not that girl from The Hills who was super-fucking-annoying. Her friend. |
Ali Barash |
My Agent |
I’m gonna be honest. It’s a porn star. But not a fake-looking one, a “homemade” one. Trust me, it’s a compliment. |
Matthew Saver |
My Lawyer |
Richard Gere without all the butt rumors. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Google it. You’ll fall into a dark hole. Pun intended. |
Chris Worthington |
My Assistant |
A grown-up version of Daniel Radcliffe. I know he’s technically a grown-up, but he still looks twelve. Maybe he has a disorder. In that case, I apologize for my insensitivity. |
Jerid Yaw |
My Brother |
The guy from MythBusters. Spot-on. It’s actually uncanny. |
Teresa Yaw |
My Mother |
Like Julianne Moore if she smiled more. I’m not sure what’s wrong with her. I hope she’s ok. |
Chad Morgan |
My First Boyfriend |
Chris Pratt but when he was still a human and not a sex robot. Seriously, who made him? Apple? Can someone terminate him so other guys can have a chance? |
Lisa Schwartz |
My First Girlfriend |
The perfect blend of Hilary Duff and the pig from Babe. Not the pig’s body, just its personality. |