When people ask me what my dream vacation is I always give the same answer: sleeping pills and a hole in my mattress that I can pee into. Traveling has never been a passion. There’s nothing intriguing to me about packing up all my crap and sitting in a hot, sweaty death trap for five hours while hundreds of people fart simultaneously into sticky pleather chairs. I don’t need to pay $500 for a plane ticket to sit in a room full of farts. I can just do that at home for the low cost of one Chipotle bowl.
One of the biggest differences between me and my last girlfriend, Lisa, was her love of traveling and my love of sitting on the couch all weekend twisting my pubic hair into small balls so they were easier to pull out. She should have known what she was in for on our first date when our conversation went a little something like this:
LISA: So, what’s the one place you want to visit before you die?
ME: Wow, that’s hard! I’d say it’s a toss-up between the donut shop in Texas that puts the icing and sprinkles INSIDE the donut or the Full House house.
LISA: You’re kidding, right?
ME: No! It’s 100 percent real! I don’t know how the icing and sprinkles don’t completely disintegrate after being put in the deep fryer, but honestly, I’ve just decided to stop questioning shit. Life is just crazy, you know? Let’s embrace it.
I go in for a cheers with my drink. She just stares at me confused for a good three minutes.
ME: Side note, do you think Kimmy Gibbler is based on a real person? And part two, who in your life do you consider to be a total Gibbler? Discuss.
Ya, my first-date conversation skills weren’t great. But for whatever reason, Lisa didn’t go to the bathroom and jump out the window. About a year into our relationship she asked me if I ever wanted to take a trip to Europe with her. I knew the correct answer was yes, but I didn’t want to lie to her. It didn’t sound fun to me. I don’t have a problem with Europe or with going to other countries. My main problem is being trapped on a plane for ten or more hours having to watch shitty movies that literally nobody would ever choose to watch in the real world. I was once so desperate for entertainment on a long plane ride that I watched a documentary about people who were in love with inanimate objects. A lady married a roller coaster, and I actually cried. This is what planes do to me.
LISA: Come on! Let’s go to Europe!
ME: I don’t know. Can’t we just find something cool to do around here?
LISA: Like what? The only thing close to us is the beach and you refuse to go there.
ME: It’s not my fault! The sand freaks me out. Why is there SO much of it? And how long has it been there?! Like a million years? You know how gross that is?
LISA: This coming from a guy who asked me the other day what the purpose of shower soap was.
ME: What’s the point of it when the shampoo is just going to drip down my body anyways?!
LISA: Please, let’s just go! We can go to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower! And then we can go to Amsterdam and see a sex show! And then we can go to Rome and see the ruins!
ME: What’s a sex show?
LISA: It’s a theater where there’s a couple having sex onstage and the audience watches!
ME: Well, here in America we just call that porn, and we can watch it from the comfort of our own homes.
LISA: You watch porn?
ME: NO! NEVER! You’re the only porn I need, baby!
LISA: Just tell me at some point we will leave the country together?
ME: Of course.
Two lies in a row. Not only did I have no intention of leaving the country, I also watched porn EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. But sometimes in relationships you have to tell a little lie to keep your partner happy. Or maybe you shouldn’t do that and that’s the reason relationships don’t work? Whatever, I’m not a therapist.
So to my surprise, a year later we ended up taking a trip to another country, even though we weren’t planning on it. Except it wasn’t a trip as much as it was a horrible mistake that almost got us arrested and killed.
One weekend Lisa and I decided to go down to San Diego to visit some of her friends. I’ve always been a fan of San Diego, mainly because it is the mecca for Mexican food, since it is so close to the Mexican border. After a fun couple of days eating tacos and wandering around a cute little beach town we decided to get in our car and head back to Los Angeles. On the car ride back home we got into a really heated discussion that made us lose track of the direction we were headed. But we couldn’t help it. It was a VERY serious debate.
LISA: No, he didn’t!
ME: Yes, he did! The guy from Blue’s Clues killed himself !
LISA: If he killed himself, I think more people would have heard about it.
ME: It was a cover-up! They replaced him with some random guy that looked nothing like him, and all the kids watching were too stupid to catch it!
LISA: That makes no sense. Why would he have killed himself anyway?
ME: One word: “illuminate.”
LISA: What the fuck is that?
ME: Umm . . . only the biggest underground organization in the world that is controlling everything using their powers that they have gained through deals with the devil.
LISA: No, not that. The sign coming up!
We both looked straight ahead and didn’t see the “Welcome to Los Angeles” sign we were expecting. Instead we saw something truly frightening.
ME: WELCOME TO MEXICO?!
That’s right. We had gotten so engrossed in our Blue’s Clues conspiracy theory that we didn’t notice that we were going in the opposite direction. In the words of the country we were entering, this was NO BUENO.
LISA: Turn around!!
ME: I can’t! All the cars are going in this direction!
LISA: Is there an exit?!
ME: Um, YES! The HUGE exit from America to Mexico!
LISA: Oh my God!
As we passed the Welcome to Mexico sign we saw a sea of taillights in front of us. There were huge lines of cars waiting to get through the border.
LISA: Oh no. We don’t have our passports!
ME: Ok, don’t panic! We can get through this! Remember that one time we went to Disneyland and they ran out of Fastpasses?
LISA: Shane, pretending you have a fake leg isn’t going to help us in this situation!
ME: Well, do you have a better idea?!
LISA: Let’s just say we got lost and want to go home.
ME: Do you WANT to get your head chopped off ?
LISA: Ok, let’s just talk to the person at the gate and maybe they will help us.
ME: Oh no.
LISA: What?
ME: My friend was in my car last weekend.
LISA: So?
You know how we all have that friend who is so full of pot that their body just leaks it? Well, that friend had been in my car the weekend before, and I was about 99 percent sure there were traces of marijuana in my backseat.
ME: There might be pot in the car.
LISA: Are you fucking kidding me??
I’d never wanted to be the guy from Blue’s Clues more in my life. I was about to be trapped in Mexico with no passport, no money, and a car full of weed. I wished someone would kill me and replace me with a look-alike. But hoped he had good hair. My fear is that someone tells me I look like someone with a receding hairline.
LISA: Where’s the pot?!
ME: I don’t know! I just know she probably dropped some of it somewhere or hid it in a seat cushion.
LISA: Who the hell is this friend?! The fuckin’ Easter bunny?!
We were next in line, and the gatekeeper waved us forward. It was the moment of truth. Time to act super casual and be really rational and explain that this was all just a giant misunderstanding.
GATE WOMAN: Next!
ME: Hi! We’re Americans and we’re scared!!
I instantly started bawling my eyes out.
LISA: What are you doing?!
ME: I don’t know! I don’t want to go to jail!
GATE WOMAN: Next!
ME: Wait, don’t you want to check our passports? Or look in our car?!
Lisa punched me in the side to shut me up. The gatekeeper waved us through and didn’t want anything to do with us. We got in with no problem! What a relief !
I pulled the car over, and we started laughing hysterically. All the adrenaline had caused us to go into some kind of insane mental state where everything was hilarious to us.
ME: Did you see how much I was crying?!
LISA: Ya! That was the most unattractive you’ve ever been to me! I would rather fuck my own brother than fuck you right now!
We laughed for a few minutes, and then reality set back in.
ME: Wait . . . how do we get out?
LISA: Well, we just go to the exit side of the border and tell them what happened. I’m sure they will just let us through. Just start crying again. You’re good at that.
As I pulled the car back into the street I noticed a long line of cars that extended farther than the eye could see.
ME: Wow, I wonder what that line is for?
As I followed the line with my eyes I saw it led all the way up to where we were. And that’s when it hit me.
ME: Oh my God. That’s the line to GET OUT!
And in that moment it wasn’t just me who turned on the waterworks, it was both of us. Lisa and I started wailing like children who just got slapped in the grocery store for stealing too many grapes. I could barely understand what she was saying through all her tears and gasps.
LISA: That . . . line . . . is . . . gonna take . . . forever!
ME: And we’re almost out of gas!! And our money doesn’t work here!!!!
Not only were we trapped in Mexico with no passport and no money, we had about an hour’s worth of gas left before we were totally stranded.
ME: Maybe the line goes fast?! Let’s ask someone!
I drove over to another car near the front of the line. I asked the driver to roll down his window.
ME: Excuse me! How long did it take you to get to the front?
STRANGER: Tres días!
LISA: What did he say?
ME: I don’t know. It sounded like “quesadillas.”
LISA: Ask again.
ME: What??
STRANGER: TRES DÍAS!
LISA: Wow. He really is saying “quesadillas.” How bizarre. Maybe it’s slang here?
ME: English, please? Sorry, we’re not from here!
A woman popped out from the passenger seat with a plastic fan in her hand, looking like she was near death.
WOMAN: He said THREE DAYS!
At that moment I could hear my heart stop beating. I turned to Lisa, and she was white as a ghost. We were screwed. The crying came back.
ME: It’s gonna be ok! We can get through this!
LISA: How??
I looked around the exit of the border and noticed an empty lane next to the full one.
ME: Ok, let’s go through that empty lane and just play stupid when we get to the gatekeeper.
LISA: I think that’s a lane for cops only.
ME: Well, what’s the worst that can happen? They aren’t gonna shoot us!
LISA: How do you know that?
ME: Because cops are here to help us!
ME: So?
LISA: You really need to read more.
I pulled my car into the cop line and drove up to the gatekeeper. Lisa grabbed my hand and gave it a kiss. My body started trembling with fear. I have never been good at breaking the rules. Even in school if a teacher told me I did something wrong, I would have a full-on panic attack. The thought of a cop yelling at me while holding a gun was making me borderline pee my pants. Pun intended. About that time, a cop approached my window.
COP: Are you aware that this is a police lane only?
ME: It is?! Whaaaaaaat?
Usually I’m a good actor, but that day I was giving a high school play performance and the cop was about to throw some serious tomatoes. And by tomatoes I mean bullets.
COP: Can I see some passports and ID?
ME: So the thing is, we actually got lost on the freeway and then we ended up in Mexico. So we don’t have passports.
COP: You ended up in Mexico?
ME: Ya. Funny, huh?!
Lisa and I started cracking up hysterically. But because of the tears and the incredible amount of fear pulsating through our veins, we looked like actual psychopaths having a nervous breakdown.
COP: Are you two ok?
I stopped laughing and went back to crying.
ME: I’m sorry. We’re just really scared. Can you please help us?
COP: You know, driving through this lane is a federal offense. You know what happens to people who go through this lane without permission?
ME: They are really sorry?
COP: Oh ya. And they go to prison.
ME: Please don’t send us to jail! We have children!
COP: You do?
ME: No. But we have a dog! And if we don’t come home, she’s gonna be so confused and probably shit EVERYWHERE!
COP: Pull your car over to the side and turn it off. I will deal with you two soon.
The cop walked away, and Lisa started hyperventilating. I pulled the car to the side of the road and turned it off like the cop told me to. I tried to calm down so I could be strong for Lisa.
ME: Everything is gonna be fine. He’s just going to give us a warning and let us go home.
LISA: You think so?
ME: I know so.
And at that moment we saw the same cop make another car pull over to the side of the road in front of us.
ME: See, he’s doing it to everyone. He probably just likes to scare people.
LISA: Ya, that’s probably it.
Then I heard a bloodcurdling SCREAM and witnessed the cop RIP the driver out of the car and THROW him to the ground. The wife in the passenger seat jumped out of the car to save him while another cop ran over and TACKLED her to the ground like a football player from hell. Then four enormous bear-size dogs stampeded over and searched the entire car for drugs while cops handcuffed the couple and threw them into a cage!
LISA: Oh my God!!!
ME: Don’t panic!
BUZZZZZ!!!! The cop Tasered the driver who was in the cage screaming in Spanish. The wife was crying and clawing at the cage until blood began dripping down her hands onto her arms. It was like the world was ending right in front of us.
LISA: Oh my God! We’re gonna die!!!
ME: No! We’re gonna be ok! Call your brother right now!
Lisa’s brother spent years living in Mexico and knew a lot about the country. If anyone could help us figure out what to do, it was him. Lisa told him what happened and he started to laugh on the other line.
LISA: It’s not funny! We are literally about to get thrown in a cage!
LISA’S BROTHER: No, you aren’t. You guys are fine. They probably had drugs in their car.
Lisa looks over at me with a pissed look on her face. I mouth “I’m sorry” back at her.
LISA’S BROTHER: Listen, I’ve been through that line before. Just play dumb and act really scared and they will let you go with a warning.
LISA: Are you sure?
LISA’S BROTHER: Positive.
We both let out sighs of relief. I leaned over into my backseat to double-check that there wasn’t any weed anywhere. After feeling around for a few seconds, I was relieved to find nothing except a three-week-old, half-eaten Weight Watchers bar that luckily wasn’t illegal, just disgusting and kind of sad.
The cop walked back over to our window and leaned in with an angry look on his face.
COP: What were you looking for in the backseat, boy?
ME: Nothing! Just my Weight Watchers bar!
COP: That looks old.
ME: Ya, I’ve been having a kind of cheat month. You know what I mean?
COP: No.
ME: Right. You’re in shape. You don’t need to diet. Look at those muscles! You’re like the fuckin’ Rock!
I go to touch his huge arm. He stops me.
COP: Don’t touch me.
ME: Sorry.
COP: I’m going to let you go with a warning. But just know. Nothing would give me more pleasure than throwing your asses in prison right now. Especially you.
He took off his sunglasses and looked me up and down.
COP: I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I feel really bad for her.
LISA: Thank you, Officer. I’ll be ok.
COP: You sure? I can throw this idiot in jail and protect and serve you if you want.
Lisa blushed and chuckled.
LISA: Oh, Officer! You’re too sweet.
ME: Wait, what?
COP: Alright, get the hell out of here before I change my mind.
As we headed back to Los Angeles, Lisa and I couldn’t stop laughing. We were still in shock from the entire experience and could barely process what had happened. A few hours later we pulled into our driveway and turned off the car and sat in silence for a few minutes. It was all hitting us.
ME: Wow. That was insane.
LISA: Ya. Do you think that couple died?
ME: 100 percent.
LISA: Do you think that cop was serious about arresting you and hooking up with me?
ME: 110 percent.
LISA: You know I wouldn’t have let him, right?
ME: Oh really? What would you have done?
LISA: I would have punched him in the face so he would have arrested me too. I’m not letting you go to jail alone.
ME: You know we would be in separate jails, right?
LISA: Nah, you could pass for a woman.
We laughed, and then I realized something.
LISA: What?
ME: We took a trip out of the country together.
LISA: Hey, I guess we did.
We gave each other a kiss and then sat in the car watching the sun go down. It might not have been the ideal vacation, but it definitely was unforgettable. Or as they say in Mexico, inolvidable. I had to Google that. You’re welcome.