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COLIN
I jerked awake, gasping for air with tears streaming down my face. Anchoring myself, I focused on the softness of my sheets and the cool air puffing in and out of my mouth.
Why? Why couldn’t I escape the darkness of the pain? Just when I was busy enough to think I was covered and could let down my guard, the nightmares came, or a reminder blipped up somewhere in my day.
I was so ready to be over my grief.
Reaching up, I rubbed my eyes. I was tired. I needed sleep. Constant insomnia wasn’t good for anyone.
One of the first steps in grief was accepting the truth. I had no problem accepting my reality. None.
Mathias was dead. He was gone. I accepted the loss. It didn’t matter how many times I cried, begged the universe, turned to my left to find him, or even called his phone number, he wasn’t coming back.
There was nothing I could do to change my past. After years of being alone, I had finally accepted that living single was my fate. I couldn’t handle that. Then why did the nightmares continue to plague me? Why did Mathias look at me with his upper body lying in my arms and ask when I was going to be happy?
I was happy. My schedule didn’t allow for anything else.
A fine layer of perspiration cooled my skin. I slumped back on my nest of pillows and pulled the comforter up to my chest. Try as I might, I couldn’t avoid recapping what I could remember of the dream. Where there were holes in the nightmare, my memories filled in.
Mathias in my arms, taking his last breath and staring over my shoulder after asking me why I wasn’t happy. Except that’s not what he’d asked me then. In both real life and in my dream, though, he’d left me.
Why had he left me? I hadn’t even had a scratch or whiplash. Nothing. Why couldn’t I have been the one to go? Nothing was fair about the last time I’d seen him. Even then, when he’d died in my arms, I’d been astounded at the depth to his blue eyes.
If I hadn’t called him, if we hadn’t been fighting...
We wouldn’t be apart.
My breathing didn’t slow enough to fall back to sleep. Pushing my long brown hair behind me, I shoved myself from the bed which was entirely too big for just one person. Size didn’t matter when I tossed and turned – nothing was big enough.
Glancing at the clock on the wall, I groaned. It was only three A.M.
Carlisle wouldn’t be on his way to the office for another handful of hours. As my assistant, he was used to my erratic hours, but I never expected him to keep pace. The man had his own life and a new bride to keep happy. A happy office manager was a kept office manager. Or something like that.
I grabbed my laptop and cuddled on the couch with a leg throw and a cup of tea. The sun would come up over the hill in a couple hours and I would get to face the day.
Alone.
My computer booted up. I rolled my head on my shoulders and closed my eyes as my naturally tense muscles fought against my attempts to relax. Even the simple decorating of my house wasn’t enough to calm me.
After checking some work, I’d head out for a run. Maybe the cool spring air would snap me from my funk.
Sighing, I typed in my password and pulled up my email. My inbox was perpetually full, but I’d filtered enough things that the important messages got to the top of the inbox list.
An email from the ClickandWed.com members app. The subject read: An Update
I loved updates. Especially from past couples my website matched.
This one was from Rachel and Logan. The two were my first ClickandWed.com matched couple. I’d paired numerous couples before, even an aunt and uncle who were stuck in their own dating drama and couldn’t unstick from the barroom meetups.
When Rachel and Logan had been matched, I’d felt like I could do anything. If I could match them, then why couldn’t I match people all over the world?
Hi Colin!
We wanted to let you know our next baby is on the way!
Number three and we couldn’t be happier.
Today is our ClickandWed.com anniversary and I just wanted to thank you again for everything you’ve done for us.
Hugs,
Rachel and Logan
A picture attached to the email loaded at the bottom of the message. The blonde woman smiled beatifically at the camera with a rounded belly and a baby in one arm and a husband in her other. Logan grinned beside Rachel with his other arm cradling a small toddler with blond curls like his mother.
The picture reeked of happiness. To be honest, it made me a little nauseous at that early hour. The cheeky grins of the children though were hard to glower at. I smiled and typed some asinine well-wishes in reply and clicked send.
Back in the inbox, I perused the other subjects while sipping my chai tea. Chai was my newest obsession. I loved tea, but I needed a change once in a while and coffee and I didn’t get along.
A subject line caught my attention and I narrowed my eyes.
Interested investor for CnW
Investor? I hadn’t mentioned the possibility of selling or opening to a partner to anyone but Carlisle, oh and Jeremy, one of the other clients I’d matched toward the beginning of the matches. He was a businessman himself and I’d asked him a while back how to get backing without selling the company... or your soul. He’d responded with the suggestion that I get a silent partner.
Research on Google and in business forums gave me more information than I needed and pretty much pushed me away from the idea. I wasn’t sure a partner situation was for me. I didn’t need someone to tell me I was doing something wrong.
True, I’d been considering something, anything like that, for a while. A silent partner, someone to pretty much give me money and leave me alone. I’d share the profits but wouldn’t need to do anything else with them. That was ideal. The only reason I even wanted to consider the idea was because I needed more capital to increase my reach. Spreading ClickandWed.com around the world was my biggest dream – one of the only ones that didn’t wake me in a cold sweat.
I opened the email, curious to see what the possible investor had to say. If he’d heard I was interested, it had to have been from Jeremy. Probably a friend of his.
Mr. Davies
I snorted. Nope. Mister. That was funny and made it hard to take the interest seriously. I got the confusion a lot. My dad decided a boy name would help me in life, give me an edge. My mother had dressed me in more pinks than possible to make sure I knew I was a girl. I didn’t have any problems remembering I was girl, but she apparently thought I was in danger of forgetting my gender.
A mutual friend suggested I reach out to inquire about a possible investment opportunity.
Jeremy Akers is a colleague and he speaks very highly about your platform and the services.
I can be in your neck of the woods this weekend, if you’d be available for a consultation and some questions. We could see if we’re compatible for a partnership or other business venture.
Please, let me know if this is agreeable and I’ll work my schedule around it.
Sincerely,
Jaxon Stint
A bird could have walked up to the window and drawn on the glass in oil paints and I wouldn’t be more surprised. Jaxon Stint? He was one of the biggest business moguls from the west coast.
He didn’t strike me as an investor, more like the type of man who was in charge of everything. I wrinkled my nose at answering to anyone about my company.
The fact that he was interested in my little matchmaking company gave me a thrill, but also filled me with doubt. Why did he want to invest in my business? What had Jeremy told him? Were Jaxon’s expectations higher than I was willing to meet?
I was jumping ahead of the game before I’d even answered his initial inquiry. I would blame it on my tiredness. For all I knew, he would be perfect for ClickandWed.
All the papers and media channels reported on the amazing things he did with companies and his investments. His business intellect was daunting but it would be a boon for the company – as long as he could keep in mind the “silent” part of the partnership.
After a long drink of my tea, I set my mug on the table and leaned back to use both hands to type a reply. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was interested and he’d made it easy – so I wouldn’t have to put an ad up anywhere... yet.
Just to be on the safe side, I would be prepared to not like him.
Mr. Stint,
This weekend works fine. Please, let me know your itinerary and I’ll have a ride at the airport for you.
C. Davies
Hopefully, I wasn’t making any mistakes with something I cherished like a child. In a way, ClickandWed was my memorial for the love Mathias and I had for each other.
A love like that wasn’t replicable. I wanted to try to give that to other people.
Others deserved to be happy. I just deserved... insomnia.