| |
COLIN
I had to stop Jaxon in his tracks. He couldn’t develop feelings for me. I wouldn’t return them. I’d already confirmed that for him repeatedly, or at least I’d tried.
Hopefully, knowing my history would help him back off. I wasn’t even what he wanted. He just liked the challenge, that’s all the men ever liked. If I could make sure he knew from the beginning, maybe he’d see we could only be friends. That’s as much as I could offer him. Up to that point, I hadn’t even given him that much.
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. I didn’t flirt with him. I couldn’t. Not when it would lead him on. I’d been hurt. That didn’t mean anyone else needed to be.
The next day I skipped walking out to the beach, choosing instead to walk around the downtown area. That spot on the lake was now filled with Jaxon’s presence, and I didn’t want to face memories of Mathias alone with the memory of Jaxon sitting beside me.
Walking into the offices after taking a short tour around the small town, I smiled tightly at Carlisle. My guilt hadn’t been easy to escape as I’d realized that lately, I’d spent more time thinking about Jaxon than I did thinking about Mathias.
Hastily, I peeled my jacket off and hung it from a hook by the door. My frustration was strong and I didn’t want to be so tied up and in knots.
Carlisle’s bright expression should have warned me. His tone double-checked me as he spoke. I didn’t have time to get my guard up before he blurted, “I have to tell you, Shandie is pregnant!” His pride in his wife and his upcoming family beamed from the smile he couldn’t keep off his face.
I rubbed my neck and stared at him in disbelief. “Wow, that’s amazing.” I was happy for my friends. I was. “So soon?” It wasn’t soon. They’d been together almost a year and she wanted a baby almost as badly as Carlisle did.
“Jaxon hired her to design three websites and maintain them. She’s excited. That will cover any paternal leave I end up taking.” He was excited. Only Carlisle would be concerned with making sure he had paternity time to spend with his wife and child. I loved that about him. He had his priorities straight.
“That is amazing.” Jaxon had made that happen for my friends. I would have tried to cover Carlisle and Shandie as much as I could, but Jaxon had gone above and beyond.
I would feel churlish if I didn’t at least take the time to thank him. After our run-in at the beach the day before, I wasn’t sure he’d be open to a visit or even me reaching out in any manner. My sleepless night as I’d replayed our conversation in my mind wasn’t helping with my attitude. Maybe right then wasn’t the best time to thank him.
Opening my mouth to say something else to Carlisle, I stopped as he lifted his finger. “Hold that thought. I think Shandie is calling again.” He pulled his phone out and swiped the screen. “Hey, honey.”
Carlisle disappeared on his phone. They had some celebrating to do and now that he’d told me, Carlisle couldn’t wait to talk to her. I understood that. They were best-friends and I loved seeing them so happy, even as my jealousy cried in the back of my heart.
I shuffled my feet as I stood rooted to the floor beside my door. I had to rip the band aid off and just thank Jaxon. If I acted like nothing had happened, he would, too. At least, that was the hope. Plus, had anything happened? I mean, it’s not like we had a fight or anything. I just laid out for him what he could or couldn’t expect from me. What was so wrong with that?
Before I could change my mind, I spun, leaving my offices in a whirlwind and stomping across to his door. I jerked to a halt.
It was his office but, also, his living quarters. I stood at the door, biting my lip. Was I supposed to knock? He’d said something about an apartment and I didn’t want to just barge in. Doubts and insecurities warred with my need to thank him.
I lifted my fist to knock, then dropped it, repeatedly lifting my hand and then dropping it to my side. I raised my fingers and rubbed at my temple. What was I doing? We weren’t enemies. We were friends, or we were supposed to be trying for that. If nothing else, we were at least partners and that in itself required a level of professionalism and courtesy.
Chiding myself for acting like a lovesick – no, not lovesick, more like... nervous – yes, nervous schoolgirl, I lifted my hand and knocked before I could change my mind again. I dropped my hands into fists at my side and hoped I didn’t look like I was ready to fight anyone.
After a moment, Jaxon opened the door, a smile in place.
I hadn’t seen him in anything other than a suit. The presence of a flannel over jeans shocked me long enough to hold my tongue while I took in his rolled-up sleeves and shoeless feet. “You’ve fit into Sandpoint a little too smoothly.” I arched an eyebrow and followed his gesture to come inside. I hoped my teasing tone wasn’t lost as I realized how flattering the lumberjack style of clothing fit him, setting off the breadth of his shoulders and the strength in his stance. Dang, jeans, anyway.
He closed the door behind me, laughing. “Yeah, I was down looking for clothes at the boutique about a block up and the lady told me I had to dress like this to fit in. I honestly think she just wanted to get rid of her winter stock or something.” He chuckled, plucking at his shirt and settling onto the couch. “What can I do for you, Colin? I never see you unless I force my way in.” He smiled to take the sting out of his words. “You’re welcome to sit down. Make yourself comfortable.”
At least I was composed enough to be embarrassed at my behavior. Heat flooded my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I...”
He shook his head. “No need to apologize. I understand. Don’t worry. Tell me. Which one do you like best?” Jaxon thrust pamphlets toward me, forcing me to walk closer to the couch. He patted the cushion beside him and I sank down to claim the spot. Somehow, I’d given him the impression that I only wanted to talk to him, if I wanted something.
Which wasn’t the case.
I didn’t want anything from him. That was my point. I cleared my throat as I stared at the papers in my hands without really seeing them. “I wanted to thank you for taking a chance on Carlisle and his wife. They’re great people who have had a hard spin in life.” I slowly flipped through the offered pamphlets.
Realtor brochures on houses. The addresses were for houses in Sandpoint or just on the outskirts. I glanced at him, holding the paper like I had an allergy to wood products. “You’re looking for a house here?” If he moved to my city, I’d never be able to escape his pull. There was something safe in thinking he would be gone soon. The danger of him moving closer and on a more permanent basis quickened my breath.
What was so dangerous about him living closer to me? Before I could delve into that thought, I changed the direction of my thought process.
Keeping laughter in my tone, I teased him even as dread filled my stomach. “Aren’t you like a Seattle native, or someone who can’t leave the area for anything? What are you going to do in a town full of bumpkins?” I arched an eyebrow. If he was there long-term and nearby, it would be harder to keep him at arm’s length.
Jaxon carefully took the pamphlets from me. “I need you to hear me out.” He gripped the paper but watched me carefully.
Any conversation that started that way was bound to be filled with things you didn’t want to hear.
I eyed him, feeling like I’d been caught in a trap. Dang, a trap I’d walked into. “Um, I don’t...” I blinked rapidly. What was going on? How had we gotten to that point when he was mentioning how I needed to hear him out? I just wanted to thank him for giving more work to Carlisle and Shandie.
My mouth dried up like I’d shoved cotton balls into the sides of my cheeks. What was he going to say? Did he regret investing? Thankfully, he’d already signed the contract and the money was transferring, but that would make it very uncomfortable, if we didn’t have a good working relationship.
“It’s okay. Just hear me out.” Jaxon reached out, then pulled his hand back. He studied me. “Look, Colin, I don’t want to replace him.” He waited for that to sink in. I froze, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “That’s not my goal. I... I do want to be in your life. One day, maybe have you love me...”
Love? He hadn’t been listening to me at all. I didn’t have that part of me to give him. I pulled away, my skin feeling like it was on fire. “No. I told you, no.” Why didn’t he want to listen? Was I saying it wrong? Was there anything clearer than no? A small piece of me wished I would reconsider, at least think about it without knee-jerking a no every time the possibility came up.
“Is that what your heart wants? Or are you fighting because you feel guilty?” He’d struck something inside me. His low husky voice thrumming inside me.
Of course, I felt guilty. How dare he guess that? I cleared my throat and chuckled to save face. “Guilt?” I folded my arms, uncomfortable with the topic and the fact that my plans were being challenged.
“You’re attracted to me.” He rushed on as I widened my eyes. “I even think you like me.” He held up his hands as I shook my head emphatically. “Now, wait, Colin, don’t-"
“You’re awfully cocky, Jaxon. I don’t like you. You irritate me.” I moved to stand but he stopped me with a hand on my forearm. I was distinctly attracted to him and I had to deny it. Even to myself.
He nodded, holding my gaze with his. “I know I irritate you, but... I think it’s because of the effect I have on you.” He studied me, causing a fluttering in my stomach that made me angrier.
Wrapping my pride around me would guarantee I would be safe for a little while longer. I jerked from his hold, lifting my chin. “No. If you’re searching for honest?” I stood, determined to be convincing but not having to stretch far because I was so frustrated with my lack of control. “I can’t stand you. I keep you around because of the money. I’m no better than the other women you know, right? Isn’t that what you said? If you want someone that is a good match for you, I’d be happy to help you set up an account, but we aren’t going anywhere – not you and I.”
I hit my target and I could tell it stung as he shrank back, the pain on his face burning my nerve endings. I wanted to reach out and apologize, but I bit my tongue. I had to keep him at arm’s length – even further, if I could manage it.
Jaxon pulled back and nodded tightly, tossing the brochures on the coffee table. “Got it.” He smiled tightly. “And I like Carlisle’s work. His wife is equally talented. No thanks necessary.” He stood, heading toward the back room.
Feeling like I’d been dismissed, I stood slowly. The offensive move had been necessary, but the guilt over how I’d made him feel dwarfed the guilt I had every time I thought of him instead of Mathias.
My heart and my head fought a war I wasn’t ready to declare a victor. If I took Jaxon out of the equation, then I wouldn’t have to worry about what choice I made. The choice would be made for me. That’s what I needed. That was an assurance that would save me pain in the future.
I left the office without another word.
What else could I say to hurt him?